What have I been up to recently? Watching and becoming obsessed with Firefly, that's what. Another one that belongs to Joss Whedon. So here's my Firefly Owner's Manual.
Jayne Cobb: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual
Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully automated JAYNE unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your mercenary, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Basic Information:
Name: Jayne Cobb
Date Of Manufacture:
Place Of Manufacture: BigDamnHeroes Creations, Serenity Division
Height: 6'4"
Weight: Unknown
Your JAYNE unit will come with the following accessories:
Four t-shirts (various designs)
Three pairs of pants
Vera
Assorted other guns
Grenades
A knitted hat
When you first open your JAYNE unit, he may look very, very angry. This is normal, so do not try to remove the gun he is holding.
Programming:
Your JAYNE unit is tough, with a bit of a dirty mind, and can carry out the following functions.
Mercenary: Yes, he will kill people for you. Matter of fact, the more you ask him to do this, the happier he will be. If there is money afterward.
Bodyguard: Well, yeah. He's intimidating. You don't even have to tell him what he's doing. Just drag him along, and scare small children.
Comic Relief: While this mode has not been tested at our factory, it is almost certain that, given the circumstances, much dirty humour can come out of your unit's mouth. WARNING: While amusing to some, this humour may offend, and jokes should be treated with caution.
Mercenary: Oh. Did we say this already?
Your JAYNE unit comes with six different modes:
Tough Guy
Dirty Mind
Angry
Intimidating
Fighting
Honest-To-God regret
Tough Guy mode is automatic to your unit, and is different from intimidating. In Tough Guy mode, Jayne is simply being himself. In intimidating mode, he is intentionally scaring someone. Maybe you.
Dirty Mind mode is activated around pretty women, or when your unit is downright bored. It's not harmful to anyone, so don't worry about it. If you happen to be aforementioned "pretty woman", however, we recommend you return your unit for, say, a SIMON or MAL unit.
Angry mode is activated when…well, when someone gets your unit angry. Your unit will cool down after a while, however, we recommend not asking him to clean up the blood until…just do it yourself.
Fighting mode is pretty obvious. Don't get in his way. Don't provoke him into this mode. Don't get in his way.
The existence of the Honest-To-God regret mode has not been proven, and it would probably take him killing your mother, but loving you at the same time, and you making him feel very badly about killing your mother. In short, you've got to be a Mary Sue for it to happen.
Relations with other units:
MALCOLM REYNOLDS: Trust may be a problem between the units, but when it comes down to it, your unit…well, MAL is going to keep a close eye on him.
ZOË WASHBURN: Being JAYNE, we all know what he thinks of Zoë. But so far, she can take care of herself. Don't let them room together, as if that wasn't obvious.
HOBAN "WASH" WASHBURN: They can get on each other's bad side, but because WASH isn't about to pick a fight, and JAYNE isn't THAT violent…we think…they can be left alone. But not TOO alone.
KAYLEE FRYE: Your unit may or may not annoy KAYLEE about SIMON to the point of one of them being hit with a wrench. But until you hear raised voices, there is no need to concern yourself too much with leaving them alone.
INARA SERRA: Relying on MAL's close eye will probably keep any issues from arising between these two. And if anything does happen, JAYNE will be in his bunk.
SIMON TAM: It's a hate/hate relationship with these two. They just come from two separate lifestyles. We suggest you keep them separate.
RIVER TAM: He thinks she's a nutball, and she thinks he looks better in red. Just don't leave them alone together. With knives.
SHEPPARD BOOK: Probably the least likely pair to argue. I mean, they work out together, for God's sake.
Cleaning: Don't. Just don't.
Energy: Your unit will enjoy three meals a day. And any snacks you are willing to offer. But if you're really poor or something, he doesn't HAVE to eat…
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My JAYNE unit told me he'd be in his bunk, and now he won't come out.
A: Just leave him be. He just needs some time alone to…well…leave him alone.
Q: I left my JAYNE unit with my new MARCUS HAMILTON unit, and they started beating each other up. I really want them to stop.
A: What would YOU do if you saw a clean shaven, suit wearing doppelganger of yourself? They'll get over it. Just…don't let them room together.
Q: I recently purchased a JAYNE unit, and was arrested for possession of firearms. When I go to trial, should I have him testify?
A: We tried to fix that…he kept flashing Vera in public, right? And what country is it you live in…no firearms…pfft. We'll send a guy out.
Q: He's got my SIMON and RIVER units tied up in the living room, and he keeps saying he's gonna take his mom on vacation with the "cash that's a'comin." I don't know what this means, and I want my units back.
A: Distract JAYNE with something. (See our WEBSITE for suggestions*). Untie the Tams. Give said Tams to good friends or trusted neighbour until things return to normal.
Q: JAYNE got this hat in the mail, and he won't take it off. I think he looks like a doofus, and I don't want to take him outside. Can I get it off him?
A: NO. Okay? Deal with it. It's pretty much his trademark. Don't take that away from him.
Q: JAYNE beat up my sister when I first got him. I don't know why, but now my mom's making me send him back. If I could explain to her WHY, she might let me keep him…so is there a reason?
A: She must've said something like "THIS is Jayne? I thought it was gonna be a girl!" As long as she doesn't say it again, they'll have a stable, albeit silent, relationship.
Q: He wants to take the grenades, but I don't think he needs them. How do I convince him?
A: Let him take them. You'd be surprised at how useful they are.
Warranty: With proper care, the JAYNE unit should live until the end of his days, or until he finally betrays Mal, and is imploded in outer space. If you should get sick of this trained ape without the training, send him back for a full refund within sixty days of purchase.