PLEASE NOTE: I AM NOT THE AUTHOR OF THIS FANFIC. ALL RIGHTS GO TO mental OF HARRYPOTTERFANFICTION. This story was removed from hpff, so I reposted here so that fans could have access to it. I am not mental. From this point on, all content belongs solely to mental.

Summary: Ze Meridian has a serious problem: despite the skirt, everyone seems to think she's a boy. Desperate to prove that having short hair, a bloke for a best friend, and a serious obsession with sport does not mean she's lacking in feminine wiles, Ze enlists the help of Sirius Black to set Hogwarts straight about the question of her gender. And since Sirius has just entered into a bet with his friends to see who can remain celibate the longest, he shouldn't have any trouble keeping his hands to himself…should he?

Disclaimer: I am in no way clever enough to have come up with Harry Potter or anything surrounding him - all recognisable characters, things, places, and names belong solely to JKR!

Warning: Right, so, I feel compelled to add an extra warning just in case those posted with the summary were insufficient: This story does contain adult themes, and is rated "mature" for a reason. If you are uncomfortable with crude and/or explicit sexual humour (or just sexual content in general), disapprove of the consumption of alcohol in even minor doses, are opposed to bodily exposure (all in good fun, of course), or prefer not to be party to "adult" situations, then this story is not for you. That said, there is nothing horribly offensive (I hope) or graphic planned at this point, and if that should change I will, of course, warn you. Thanks for respecting both your personal boundaries and the story. Enjoy!

Striker: football term; common name for a centre forward whose primary skill is scoring goals. the striker - usually one or at most two to a side - is mainly an offensive player known for keen footwork and excellent reflexes. some claim that a striker's skills are intrinsic and cannot be taught, that the quickness and ability are traits this player is born with.

Match.

Chapter I: Keep Your Hands to Yourself

'Ze! Ze love, you home?'

'Upstairs Mum!' Zenobia Meridian called, not bothering to go into the hall – she could already hear the clack of her mother's shoes on the stair.

'How's the packing – oh, hello Jack,' Elena Meridian smiled at the boy who was sat on her daughter's bed. Most mothers would have been concerned to walk into their daughter's bedroom and see a tall, fit blond comfortably ensconced on the pillows...but then, not every mother had a daughter like Ze. 'How'd the match go, then?'

'Three to nothing,' Jack replied happily, his grin wide and artless. 'Ze had two goals and an assist.'

'And Jacko had a total shut out,' Ze added, sticking her tongue out at her best mate.

'Excellent - well done both of you! When's the final?' Elena asked, taking a seat in her daughter's desk chair and folding the bottoms of a track suit neatly.

'Friday,' Jack and Ze chorused. 'Against Sherwood,' Jack added.

'And they're due for a right stuffing,' Ze added brightly. 'So that'll be fun.'

'Well, I'll just have to make sure I'm off work to see it then, won't I?'

Ze whirled round to face her mother. 'You're getting off work to see our match?'

'Well of course I am – it's not every day a mother gets to see her daughter's football final. And Dad's been telling me how both you and Jacko have worn yourselves ragged for it – I wouldn't miss it for the world.'

Ze swooped in and hugged her mother tight around the neck. 'You're the best, Mum,' she said proudly.

'As are you,' was the warm reply. 'Now, are you staying for supper Jack?'

'Well, I'd hate to impose –'

'Please stay,' Ze begged. 'Gran's coming over, and I can't do it alone – please don't make me…'

Jack immediately smirked and pretended to be undecided. 'I dunno – does she still think I'm your boyfriend?'

'Oh come on,' Ze groaned. 'It's not my fault she's a nosy old cow!'

'Your grandmother is a very lovely woman,' Elena said sternly as she stood, hoping she managed to sound half as if she meant it.

'Yeah, if you're married and settled,' came the snide - and predictable - reply. 'If she was trying to turn you into Cinderella, you'd be complaining too.'

Elena couldn't suppress her smile. 'You might have a point, but having her as a mother in law is trial enough, thanks. If Jack wants to stay, he's more than welcome, but if he'd rather not endure the torture then let him go peacefully. Don't let her wear you down Jacko,' she added as she made for the door. 'And if you do stay, come and give me a hand cooking? I've never managed to do it right your way…'

She clicked back down the corridor toward the stairs, and Jack shook his head. 'Your mum's fantastic.'

'That she is,' Ze agreed, shoving a large handful of black fabric into her school trunk.

'Whas'at?' Jack asked through a yawn.

'Robes,' was the reply, issued from the depths of the trunk as she dug through the books and bits of rubbish that had been left there over the summer holiday. 'Wish I could find my tie…'

'Where's your broom?' Jack asked, standing and peering into her wardrobe.

'By the door – it needs a good polishing.'

'Got the kit?'

'Under the bed.'

Jack grabbed up the broom, unwrapping it as he crossed back to the bed. Setting it down he lay flat on the floor and dug through the mess of sport equipment and odd socks that was crammed beneath the frame. 'It's a graveyard down here,' he choked, coming back up clutching a dusty wooden chest. 'When was the last time you did a proper cleaning?'

'I dunno – 'bout five years ago?' she guessed, grinning. 'You sure you don't mind doing that?'

'Nah. So – school on Sunday, eh?'

'Yeah. You going to survive without me?'

'I always do. You ready for quidditch?'

Despite the fact that Jack was a Muggle, Ze had never seen any reason to lie to him about what she was. They'd been best friends since the tender age of four, when Jacko had moved in next door and wandered into their garden to watch Hugh Meridian teach his daughter the basics of football. Though Hugh was a Muggle with a Muggle job and clothes and car, it hadn't taken Jack long to realise that the Meridians weren't like his own family. Of course, as Elena used a wand to do almost everything from turning on the lights to patching up her daughter's bruises and scrapes (of which there were many), it hadn't exactly been difficult. The fact that the both of them were absolutely mad about football had been enough to bond them for life, and when Ze told him she'd be going to Hogwarts while he went to his dad's old school, he'd taken it relatively well…after she'd explained that she'd be back for summers.

The two were as close as brothers, and for ages that's what most people assumed they were: brothers who looked absolutely nothing alike. It wasn't until the summer she turned thirteen that their coach even noticed that Ze was a girl. He'd always assumed Zenobia was a just an odd boy's name and never stopped to think that the slight, dark haired striker who played fearlessly against players twice her size might be a decent sized girl instead of an undersized boy. It had been a minor scandal – a lot of fathers thought that girls shouldn't be allowed to play with their sons – but when the coach pointed out that without Ze they'd be much closer to the bottom of the bracket in the tournament, the naysayers had closed their mouths.

And through all of it, Jack had kept her secret, and treated her exactly as a best mate should. The both of them had made other friends at school, but summer after summer they returned home and, immediately after setting their trunks down, went off to the park to play a game or two. The Meridians had never thought twice about the wisdom of letting a boy have unrestricted access to their daughter – as Ze's dad put it "she'd never shag Jack – they're on the same football side". Jack's parents hadn't been so trusting. Once when the two had returned well after dark, sweating and covered in grass, passing the football between them, Jack's mother had sat them both down and demanded to know if they were "doing things safely". Ze had immediately explained that they'd never run across anyone dodgy in the park or on the way home, and that since there were two of them no one was likely to attack. Her naïve, pragmatic response had more or less killed off Mrs Warren's suspicions. But other people made assumptions, smirking and suggesting things, and both Ze and Jack got into violent rows the summer they turned sixteen, defending one another's honour.

They were both aware that after this summer they wouldn't be together as they had been. Once he got his exams back Jack would have to decide where to go to university, and Ze wouldn't be with him there. She'd have to get a job of some sort, likely in the magical world, and they would be separated by more than geography then. But they didn't talk about it, revelling in the last of the warm weather, the last of the clear nights when they met in the park, the last of going down to the pub to watch matches with their friends. And here was Jack, asking about quidditch, already accepting that in five days, his best mate would be gone.

'Yeah, I'm ready,' Ze sighed, chewing her lip and tipping her football up onto the top of her foot, launching it for a bit of play off her knees and chest. 'Wish you were going to be there.'

'Well take some photos for me then,' he grinned, looking up from her broomstick. 'Everyone at school thinks the one's from last year are some sort of joke – they can't figure out how you're in the air. Sort of funny, really.'

'I still can't believe you showed them – I could be in loads of trouble for that, you know.'

'I know – and I didn't show them. Someone found them in my wardrobe – stupid prying bastards.'

'I'll send you a moving one of the first match,' she promised, catching the ball between her shoulder blades and freezing for a moment, then rolling it back down her shoulder.

'In that case, I guess I'll have to stay for supper – can't leave you all alone with the evil granny.'

'Too right,' she grinned back at him.

'I'll just go tell Mum then.'

'And check on my mum will you?' she called after him as he left. 'I can smell something burning!'

*.*.*.*.*

'There she is! Ooooh, how's my Zennie?'

'Hi Gran,' Ze said as brightly as she could, trying not to wince as her grandmother jerked her into a tight squinch, the cloud of perfume perpetually hanging round her making Ze's eyes water.

'Well, your hair's still too short,' Charlotte Meridian said as she stepped back and eyed Ze. 'But you do look a bit more like a girl, don't you? And look – you've finally got bosoms!' Before Ze could so much as grimace, Charlotte had reached out and completely violated her. Jack had to duck into the lounge and have a "coughing fit" to cover his laugher. He always seemed to have coughing fits when Gran Meridian popped by – she had commented more than once on his weakness for colds.

'Ah, Charlotte!' Elena cried, hurrying out of the kitchen and swooping in to kiss her mother in law's powdery cheek.

'Well Elena, you're looking very well,' Charlotte said, the bite in her voice barely audible as she adjusted her skirt primly. Looking at her, no one would ever guess she was a grandmother – mostly because grandmothers weren't known for caking on the rouge and wearing enormous push-up bras, or for dying their hair platinum blond and wearing long, orange false fingernails.

Charlotte had never really cared for her daughter in law, especially given the fact that Elena's dark hair and smooth golden skin had barely aged a day since she'd married Hugh twenty years before. 'Thanks,' Elena smiled in reply. 'Could I get you something to drink?'

'I'd love a gin.'

Elena's smile hitched: gin and Charlotte were a potent combination. 'Of course. Ze, why don't you and Jack show Charlotte into the lounge?'

'Oh, Jack's still around, is he – you've got yourself quite the fellow, haven't you Zennie?'

Ze winced again: she'd been trying for years, but absolutely nothing in the world could persuade her grandmother to call her anything but "Zennie". It always made Ze think of zinnias, a vile, bright little flower entirely too similar to the insipid daisy. Bad enough that she'd been landed with the old family name of Zenobia, which was archaic and difficult to pronounce at best, but Zennie? Honestly. She was just preparing to explain – yet again – that Jack was her best friend, not her chap, when Jack himself began to speak. 'Sorry Mrs M – we're still just friends.'

'Oh tosh – a girl's best friend is her boyfriend!' Charlotte said on the end of an obnoxious, trilling laugh. 'When are you going to make an honest girl out of her, eh?' she asked, accepting the gin and tonic Elena was offering.

'Well, I quite adore her, but I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate me dating a girl,' Jack replied with a perfectly straight face. Elena nearly collided with the door-frame in surprise, and it was Ze's turn to duck out of the room, her fist shoved into her mouth to stifle her laughter. She could hear Charlotte choking on her drink, and Jack emerged moments later, grinning widely. 'That should shut her up for a bit.'

And it did…for a bit.

'You know Zennie, you could get a boyfriend in a second if you'd just dress yourself up properly,' Charlotte was saying over dinner. 'You'd be quite pretty if you'd let your hair grow out, and if we got you some nice clothes. I never got to buy pretty girls' things,' she continued mistily, staring into the distance. 'Three boys – it was all trousers and sport socks. Now and then a woman does long for a dress and lacy knickers.'

Jack coughed into his napkin. Elena's knuckles were white as she gripped her fork. It was Hugh who spoke up in Ze's defence. 'Mum, Ze's happy the way she is – we're not going to pressure her to change.'

'Oh Hugh, when are you going to realise you've raised a perfectly unnatural daughter?' his mother asked, swirling the dregs of her third g&t in the glass. 'Honestly – look at her. If I hadn't seen her wrapped in a pink blanket in hospital seventeen years ago, I'd never know she was a she!'

'You know Gran,' Ze interrupted before Elena's temper could snap, 'I've always been curious: what colour was your hair before you went blond?'

It was Elena's turn to cough discreetly, and Charlotte's turn to grip her fork tightly. 'Whatever do you mean, pet?' she tittered. 'I've always been a blond!'

'Really? 'Cos I was cleaning up a bit in the attic, and I came across these photos of you and Grandad from ages ago, and it was the strangest thing – your hair was all grey – almost white, really. But they were old photos – maybe it was just a trick of the light or bad ink or something.'

'Bad ink,' Charlotte said in a strangled sort of voice, her hand going protectively to her head, the vivid orange of her nails clashing horribly with her hair. 'Must have been – I've always had blond hair, got it from my mother's side. It's really a pity you didn't inherit it.'

'Mmm,' was all Ze said, and conversation turned to football, a subject Charlotte had no choice but to remain silent on, as she had no idea what to say.

But it didn't stop her from railroading Ze again during dessert. 'You know love, I can't help but notice you only wear those horrible sports bras.' Ze nearly spat her pudding back out onto her plate, and her grandmother mistook her surprise for embarrassment over Jack's presence. 'Oh, Jack's not offended, are you Jack?'

'Er, no ma'am,' he managed, being very careful not to look at Ze for fear of laughing himself sick.

'Of course not – lovely creatures, what do they call you now? Poofters? Poofs?'

'Er, either?' Jack said, mostly through his teeth, his shoulders shaking with suppressed howls of mirth.

'Exactly. But, as I was saying, those sports bras are horrible – they flatten out what little you've got! Now if I could take you to the shop where I buy all my underthings, well, we could sort you right out. They've the sweetest little woman there who knows absolutely everything – ten minutes with her and you'd go from fried eggs to a full English breakfast! –'

'Okay, that's it,' Ze cried, standing so quickly her chair rocked on its legs, nearly tipping over. 'I'm through – my bras are not table conversation anymore and Jack is not a poof, he only said that so you'd leave us alone about being friends. And I'm bloody tired of you coming round here and upsetting everyone and nagging me about how I look. The way you go on it's like you want me to go shagging half of Yorkshire! If you want something you can dress up and call poppet then buy a bloody dog but leave me out of it, yeah?'

'Oh Zennie –'

'And don't call me Zennie!' Ze yelled, turning and stalking out of the room, hastily followed by Jack.

'Oh dear,' Charlotte sighed as the adults listened to them hurrying up the stairs to Ze's room. 'Do you think if I just bought her one of the bras and let her try it herself?'

*.*.*.*.*

'I cannot believe she said that!' Ze raged in her room, running her hands through her short hair. 'Does she even listen to herself talk?'

'Yeah,' Jack sighed. 'I think she does. Look,' he added bracingly, 'I know she's a right pain, but she means well - she honestly thinks she's helping.' Ze snorted contemptuously. 'Well at least she doesn't pinch your cheeks anymore,' he said, hoping to make her laugh.

'No, now she's on to pinching other bits.' With a groan Ze flopped down onto the bed and he sat beside her. 'I just wish she'd shut up, you know? I don't need her to be proud of me or anything – Mum and Dad do more than enough already – but if we could have one bloody dinner without her bringing it up…'

'She's gotten better,' Jack pointed out. 'She hardly mentioned any of the boys she'd like to send you out on set ups with.'

Ze snorted. 'That's only 'cos all of her bridge friends are out of eligible grandsons – Marge Somebody or Other's grandniece got the last one, or so she says. Well, not the last one – Dottie Jacobs grandson is still open, but even Gran says he's too rabbity to date, and if Gran says that…'

'Blech – Jack the Poof definitely wouldn't be interested,' Jack joked.

'You really are the best mate in the world, you know that?' Ze said, grinning at the memory of her grandmother's face at Jack's "revelation".

'Yeah, I know – and I know you owe me for it too,' he laughed.

'Anything you want.'

He grinned. 'A ride on the broom. A long one.'

She bit her lip, and then grinned to match him. 'Alright – but I've got to make us invisible.'

'Fine by me.'

She reached for her wand. 'Hold still then…'

*.*.*.*.*

'We're going to miss you,' Hugh sighed, hugging his daughter close.

'I'll miss you too Dad – but I'll write every week!' Ze promised, letting go of her father long enough to hug her mother.

'And we'll write back. Who knows, Tubbers might even decide to deliver a few of our letters,' Elena joked, referring to the notoriously lazy family owl.

'I wish you had an owl,' Ze sighed, turning to hug Jack tightly.

'But I'd have to be a wizard,' he pointed out, picking her up and dangling her in their traditional embrace.

'I know – I wish that too sometimes.'

'But then I'd beat you at quidditch, and you'd be angry,' he said with false melancholy.

'Oh shut it,' she growled, slapping his shoulder as he placed her on the platform floor once more. 'Write often?'

'Only if you write back.'

'I will.'

'Right, so I'll hear from you by Halloween.'

She rolled her eyes but grinned widely before turning back to her parents and grabbing up the handle to her trunk. 'I'll see you at Christmas,' she promised. 'And I'll write you loads before then.'

'Bye!' they called, waving to her as she turned towards the barrier.

'Bye!'

Just as she reached the barrier she heard Jack shout 'Avengers forever!' and turned over her shoulder, flashing him a grin. The last thing she saw before the barrier closed around her was her family and her best friend grinning at her widely. Seventh year couldn't have begun a better way.

A/N - read and review please!