I swear I just want to cry, but I have a final to study for so I just wrote this to get the plot bunnies to leave me alone. The death scene seriously had me in tears. Anyways. I disclaim, because obviously if I owned Nikita this fic would not be necessary.

XXXXXX

There's a moment when he wants to die.

It's overdramatic, and not realistic at all. Because he doesn't actually want to die. That would be stupid.

Alex is just a girl, she's a traitor. He pushes all the pain away, or he tries to anyway.

It doesn't work—because it hurts. So fucking much.

To know that this is it, that Alex has betrayed him, that it was all a lie . . . it breaks his heart. He doesn't want to believe it, but there's a part of him that's always wondered if there weren't something more going on with her.

When Jaden tells him that Alex is Nikita's contact he swears his world breaks apart. And even though it hasn't been very long, he still can't get over the fact that she would do this to him.

He'd believed there was something almost beautiful in their pain—in their inability to be together. Maybe it was the closet romantic in him, but he . . . couldn't finish that sentence, even in his mind.

He can't admit it, he can't admit how he felt because—because it's just wrong now. It's always been wrong.

It's all wrong—because it was all a lie.

He swears he wants to die. For a brief moment he wishes it would all go away. But the practical part of him keeps him going. He has to make sure, because Jaden isn't exactly the most trustworthy person anymore, she's been irrationally jealous since Alex came.

So he finds her, because he can't wait until after the mission, he can't . . . he just can't.

When he confronts her, it hurts. It hurts so damn much. She doesn't manage to convince him that Jaden is wrong, even though she seems to think she has.

It doesn't matter though, because they have a mission to complete.

When she "captures" Nikita he gets a bad feeling.

Somehow his heart knows, but his mind doesn't realize it'll be the beginning of the end. Later, when it's all over, he can't believe he hadn't realized it.

When he finds her obviously trying to help Nikita, he swears he just knows.

There'd been a part of him that had been in denial, but that part disappears.

All he can feel is pain.

They fight and he realizes that she was trained by Nikita, and Nikita is quite possibly the best that there is— and she's going to win.

And he's going to lose.

Thoughts run through his mind as he struggles against her—there's a part of him that can't kill her, so he really knows it's over now. But he can't give up. He keeps fighting, because otherwise he has to listen to the words, the thoughts just spinning around and around and . . . he feels nauseous.

It's split second, constant, the hurt, the pain, the betrayal runs through his mind and it's overwhelming.

Was it all a lie? Was it? The words escape him and he doesn't even realize it.

He doesn't know what's real and what's not anymore, all he knows is that it hurts.

He fights, he punches, he kicks, he—he's shot.

She shot him. He almost can't believe it, but it's true. And it's not like he expected.

That woman he'd killed—was this how she'd felt? The feeling—the dying—he wonders if he would have been able to continue on at Division anyway, if it wouldn't have just started to tear him apart.

It had already started. So maybe this is a good thing.

He sinks to the ground.

He can feel himself dying.

It's so strange.

It hurts.

Alex. She—she shot him.

She's killed him—even though he's not dead yet he can feel it coming.

He hates her—he wants to hate her.

She's saved him from himself, from the person he would become.

So at least there's that, he realizes off-handedly.

He wallows in the pain for a few seconds, but life is just . . . slipping away.

The pain starts to fade and he realizes that that is a bad thing.

He's dying.

It's over.

The pain is gone—except the pain in his heart which is overwhelming him.

It's over.

He looks at her—damn she's beautiful, he hates that that's the first thing that comes to mind—and he sees her tears.

Why is she crying?

Maybe—maybe it wasn't all an act.

That almost makes him feel better.

But there's no such thing as feeling better because he's dying.

He can hear words between Nikita and Alex, but he doesn't care what they are. He doesn't care about very much at all anymore.

This is his death scene, he really doesn't care what they do.

After Nikita disappears, he says something.

She'll see him.

He knows it.

He doesn't understand why it feels like it's taking forever to die.

He wonders why time has slowed.

This isn't right.

This isn't the way it was meant to be.

Then again, it was never meant to be.

He and Alex—they had nothing.

But his last thoughts are of her anyway.

I can't believe I fell in love with her.

And it's over. Finally.

And everything fades away.

XXXXXX

Very stream of consciousness. I was in a mood. And there we go.