Title: Drunken Texts, Unfortunate Misunderstandings and a Sapphic Serenade! Oh My!

Pairings: Brittana. Minor Bartie. Background Faberry, Luck, Asian Fusion, Fabrevans, Finchel, Carma and one-sided!Wilma. Mention of Suck.

AU: Santana didn't inform Rachel of her little tryst with Finnessa. So Finchel didn't break up -blegh- and Puckelberry didn't make out. I think that's the only AU-ness.

Rating: T for sex references.

A/N: Oh my god. My spellcheck recognises the word 'tits'! lmao
If you spot the not-very-well-hidden joke/message/perversion I will love you forever.

Santana's texts. Brittany's texts.

DISCLAIMER: Yeah, I own Glee. I'm also a troll with a penchant for stupid yellow hats who doesn't believer in lesbians. Also, the sky is purple and the moon really is made of cheese. Cheese, Gromit! Cheese!

It was a Friday night and Brittany was sitting at her desk attempting to do her homework when her phone buzzed.

She picked it up and flipped it open. Raising her eyebrows as she laid her eyes upon the alert that had appeared on the screen.

'1 new message from: Santana'

Normally a text from Santana would be far from surprising, but ever since Brittany had resumed dating Artie she'd noticed her friend had been growing slowly more distant with her. It was almost like the brunette was avoiding her, Brittany found the whole situation very confusing. This aside, wasn't S supposed to be with Puck? She was sure she'd heard them discussing it in glee that afternoon. The blonde shook her head, trying to rid herself of the confusing thoughts that were swirling around her brain. She opened the text.

'Well, smotimesI go out my byself nd i lokk acros th waaaaterrr

And I think of al the thingz whut yuor doin an ni my heas I pain apictuuuuure'

"What... the hell?" Brittany murmured. She had absolutely no idea what most of it was supposed to say. Only after re-reading it a couple of times was she able to decipher the jumbled text. She recognised the lyrics as she cracked it. Why is she texting me this? She wondered. She was about to text her friend the question when her phone vibrated again, the same alert as before appearing on the screen. She opened the message.

'Coz sicne Ive comeon home, well my bodies benn a mses

And ive missed your long blonde hair ndth way yo like to dresss

Wo'nt you com no over? Spto makin a flol outta meeeeeeee

Whydont yoo comeon oooooover'

Before Brittany even had a chance to make sense of gibberish she'd just received her phone vibrated yet again, she opened the message without thinking about it.

'! !'

Now, Brittany S. Pierce might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she wasn't as stupid as everyone seemed to think. So, she knew what the previous text was supposed to say even before she went to read it again.

She sighed and put the phone down; only to have it start vibrating as soon as it left her grasp. She rolled her eyes and flipped it open once more. Sure enough, there was the alert informing her of one new text from Santana. She opened the text. Still, perplexed as to why her best friend was sending her lyrics from Valerie - or should this version be Brittany? - instead of fooling around with Puck.

'Did uyo hafto go t jailpt youre house all upf or salr, did you ged a good lawyeeeer?

I hep you did'ny cach atan, hop you fin the right WOman too fix tit for yoooou

Are you shipping anywhere? Chnga th clolr offyour hair? Are yo bussy?

N id you have top ay th fine that youwere dogein all the time? Are you still dizyyyy?'

She read it again, getting more confused by the second. She was about to read the text for a third time when lo and behold she received another text!

'Cosince Ive com eon hom, weel my bodys bene a mes

And I'vw missed youre long blonde hair and teh way yuo like to drees

Wo'nt you comm o ovre? Stop makin a loof outta meeeeeeee

Whyd ont yoo come on oooooover'

Another text.

'BRIIIIIIIIIIITTANYYYYYYYYYYY! ! ! BRIIIIIIIIIIIIITANYYYYYYYYYY!'

The blonde was starting to get annoyed by this point. There'd better be a reason for this, Lopez! She thought irritably as another text rocked her phone's world.

'Well, semtimes I go out by myself and i lok acrros the waaaateeer

And I think of all te thing what yor doin andin my head I paint a pictuuuuure'

She 'patiently' awaited the next didn't take long.

'coz since I've come on hemo wlel m bodia bnen a messs

And I:ve mised yoru long blonde hair andths wau you likd to dreos

Wont you cme onover? Stop makign a fool outta meeeeeee

Why dn't you come on ooooooooooner'

Thirty seconds later.

'BRIIIIIIIIIIITTANYYYYYYYYYYY! ! ! BRIIIIIIIIIIIIITANYYYYYYYYYY!'

Brittany took this to be the end of the song as there were no new messages three minutes later. She looked upon it as a cue to inquire as to what the hell it had been about.

'are you done?'

'Yus.'

'wlel. I mgiht has one meor thing two satay.'

'oh? what's that then?'

'I luve you, man. In fatc i~m liek totes in lesbians wth you and stuuuff. For wheeeelz. Date my isted. We san liek haf swete ladykisses n thingd. An ike i'Ll be evne and whateves. Coz Im in love with you. And we can sing about makign laadybabies inglee if you still want to I mean. I knows ive been an epic bitchface atchou alla tim n leik I had a big gay panic or w/e so I understanf id yu don; wantyo... bu I hat tootlel yo mi fellins. Myb thrapisst tld me is bad to kep youre fleeingd lal botled up n crap'

'wow. youre like really really drunk right now huh?'

'that dosnt mane tits notrue! Iam in llove w/ yu! Beliiiiiiiiiieve meeeeeeeee!'

'ill see you on monday San. when youre SOBER.'

Monday rolled around and Brittany was scrupulously avoiding Santana and Artie. She spent all her time with Quinn.

"OK, what is going on with you and Santana, B?" Quinn asked her friend in a tone of exasperation and concern.

"I-I don't know what you mean!" Brittany stammered from behind the open door of Quinn's locker. She had practically tried to jump into the aforementioned storage space upon seeing a certain dark-haired cheerleader searching the hall.

"Please. You just threw yourself into my locker so she wouldn't see you – nice hiding place by the way, reeeeeeeal inconspicuous. And you're seriously trying to tell me nothing's up?" As she finished her mini-rant – Rachel would've been so proud – she gave the other blonde her trademark arched eyebrow.

Brittany looked down at her feet with an intensity no feet should ever merit. "On Friday S got drunk and started texting me the lyrics of Valerie..."

"Right. Why..?"

"I'm not sure. But, that's not really the problem."

"So what is the problem?"

She got out her phone and opened the 'confession' text Santana had sent her on Friday, showing it to Quinn.

"...Wow." Was all the shorter blonde could say upon reading the drunken ramble.

"Right?" Brittany dead-panned. Closing her phone and putting it away.

"So, what're you going to do?" Quinn inquired, linking her arm with the taller girl's and leading them down the hall.

"I really have no idea." Brittany sighed. "I mean I really like Artie, but..."

"But you love Santana." Quinn offered softly, giving the other blonde a gentle smile.

"Yeah."

"Brittany!"

The girl in question turned to see Artie wheeling toward her, a large smile on his face. She glanced at Quinn, silently begging for help, but she just shrugged and mouthed a 'sorry'. "Hi." The bubbly blonde greeted her boyfriend with an obviously forced smile.

"What's up?" He asked bluntly, frowning.

"N-nothing." The Dutch girl replied unconvincingly. "But, Quinn and I have to get to class. See you in glee." She walked away quickly pulling the other blonde along by the elbow, and leaving Artie in the hall feeling hurt and confused.

"You're going to need to talk to them at some point, you know." Quinn remarked. As they walked away.

"I know... and I will... just not yet..."