A/N: Second to last part!
Standard disclaimers apply.
Chapter Fifteen
Harry Potter look at how summer is ever so gently creeping over the grounds around the castle! The sky and lake alike are turning periwinkle blue and flowers large as cabbages are bursting into bloom! (sent from mobile)
Dursley Dudley: NO SRSLY. WTF.
Ronald Weasley: Harry, you're literally forcing me to AGREE with Dudley. This isn't cool. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hagrid was just sent to AZKABAN, Dumbledore was SUSPENDED, and there is currently a giant beast haunting the castle – without ANY form of protection we are all going to die. And you update your status about fucking periwinkle colored flowers? Really? How is that helping morale? You sound like Lockfuck.
(Gilderoy Lockhart likes this.)
Harry Potter: I said the lake was periwinkle blue not the flowers…they're as large as cabbages bursting into bloom…
Gilderoy Lockhart: A stellar comparison, Ronald, my good man! I do feel that young Harry and I are kindred spirits when it comes to raising morale! But I do believe you spelled my name incorrectly! The "f" and "h" are quite close, as I understand. I believe I heard they were having an affair not too long ago! Not too long ago at all, so it's not a mystery as to why they'd be quite intimate, getting in the way of your stubby little fingers, Ronald, and causing you to misspell the first letter of my name! And what about those nasty "u" and "a"? They're a couple of twins always getting into some dastardly deeds, switching places with their trickery and whatnot! But who could ever forget the "c" and the "r," my dear, Ronald? Practically brothers on the keyboard! An honest mistake. Oh, and not to leave out the most brain-scrambling mix-up of all – the "k" and the "t"! They're always getting in each others way, aren't they? Ah, but they're family, they're family, my dear boy! We all have our issues. Yes we do…
Ronald Weasley: Yes, YOU fucking do. I'm speechless. I'm…I'm actually fucking speechless. Do you mean to tell me you truly believe any of those keys are close together? Because I'm looking down and you couldn't have chosen any more of a BAT SHIT CRAZIER excuse as to why I typed your name "Lockfuck" instead of "Lockhart." Seriously…are you on medication? If you are – GET THE FUCK OFF OF IT. And if you're not, you better start, man.
Dudley Dursley: What…what? Wait, I fucking hate your guts Weasel but can you just tell me…that guy's a professor, isn't he? Is he…a "special" professor? You know, perhaps a "special" man on his way out, granted a last wish or something?
Ronald Weasley: I wish. He's not even fucking with us. That's his…personality.
Dudley Dursley: Shit. I'm out of here. Harry? I don't even understand how your balls are still in proper working order. I would've thought that your brain would at least send a message that it was time to haul out once it detected your fingers spelling out the word "periwinkle." You are such a fucking loser.
Harry Potter: Bite me.
Dudley Dursley: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Harry Potter: Mermermer.
Ronald Weasley: Let's just go visit Hermione, you little shit.
(Harry Potter likes this.)
Poppy Pomfrey wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Um, no effing way. Visitors are now barred from the hospital wing. We're taking no more chances! There's every change the attacker might come back to finish these people off so just git!
Ronald Weasley: Fine, whatevs. I don't even care much.
Poppy Pomfrey: So why do you keep crying outside of the hospital wing doors? Why did you slip me a knut under the door with a note attached saying, "This should ensure you take care of Hermione the mo
Harry Potter: RON! You're going to get expelled for wrestling a phone out of an authority figure's hands. Plus, we already saw all of what she said. You're bribing – poorly, but bribing – Pomfrey to take care of Hermione. It's sweet.
Ronald Weasley: It's not true!
Harry Potter: HAHAHA YES IT IS WRITTEN PROOF AND I LIED TWO SECONDS AGO ITS NOT SWEET ITS FUCKING LAME HAHAAHAHAHA
Ronald Weasley: -_- She's lying to embarrass me!
Poppy Pomfrey: Oh, yes, I live to embarrass nasty little ginger kids. Sheesh, gtfo before you start burning everyone's open retinas with your fiery red ginger soul!
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Srsly, Ron, let's go. Ginger souls are the vilest souls of all and everybody knows that. If you really care about Hermione you'll leave.
Ronald Weasley: WELL I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER. So that means I should WHAT? Let's go.
Harry Potter: ?
Poppy Pomfrey There's not enough Advil….
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Let's think…the last thing Dumbledore said to be was that he would only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to him! And help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.
Ronald Weasley: Yes, I was there, dipshit. No need to repeat every word like it's fuckin gold. I mean, where's the help, huh? If I had a nickel for every time Dumbledore made grand statements like that without coming through, I'd still be dirt poor.
Harry Potter: You're insufferable.
Ronald Weasley: Great, you let your undying love for Dumbledore cause you to sound like Hermione. Like I need that right now!
Harry Potter: Like you don't! You want some Hermione, stat. Bow chika wow woooowww
Ronald Weasley: And you want Dumbledore's dick in your mouth! How about that? But we can't all get what we want, can we, now!
Harry Potter: Hostile.
Ronald Weasley: Omg, yet you don't deny that HOPEFULLY FALSE statement!
Harry Potter: Let's not think about that now, whatever.
Ronald Weasley: Deny it right now, Harry – say that you don't kind of want to have sex with Dumbledore.
Harry Potter: Ron, I'm not even going to give you the benefit of…I mean, that's…that's outrageous
Ronald Weasley: SAY IT
Harry Potter: NO
Ronald Weasley: We're not continuing this conversation until you admit it or deny it and I know you really want to continue this conversation because it's about your good old buddy, Dumblefuck.
Harry Potter: YOU CAN'T JUST ADD FUCK TO EVERYBODY'S LAST NAME!
Ronald Weasley: Don't change the subject!
Harry Potter: FINE SOMETIMES I WONDER ABOUT IT
Ronald Weasley: WHAT?
Harry Potter: MOVING ON.
Ronald Weasley: You massacred me for worrying about Hermione and you don't think I'm going to jump all over this pedophilia-reeking pile of shit?
Harry Potter: Well, I guess you want Hermione to know how much you really care about her.
Ronald Weasley: YOU CAN NEVER TELL OR WE'RE NOT BEST FRIENDS.
Harry Potter: Then we keep each other's secrets.
Ronald Weasley: Deal. Let's continue, as I was saying…I don't know why you even rely on that old fuck he's probably rotting away somewhere. Seriously he's old as shit! He probably died, Harry. Let's just move on. Your elderly lover has passed.
Harry Potter: SHUT UP I JUST SAID I WONDERED
Ronald Weasley: Alright, fine. This is really something we CANNOT move past, but I will force myself to because you're famous and shit. And even after almost two years, that damn scar still gets me every time, no lie.
Harry Potter: ;)
Ronald Weasley: Oh, stfu. Now onto Hagrid's "hint," you know, the one about the spiders that makes me think Hagrid ripped into my brain and nicked my darkest nightmares…
Harry Potter: We just have to keep searching for spiders, that's all.
Ronald Weasley: OH, THAT'S ALL, THEN! I suppose next you're going to tell me ALL we're going to do is have a threesome with Dumbledore, huh? No, no, it'll be fine. It'll be cool. He's limber. WELL I CAN'T DO THAT, HARRY. I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH AND BRUSH FINGERTIPS WITH THE LIKES OF DEATH BUT I WILL NOT ENTER INTO YOUR PERVERTED, TWISTED AND PSYCHOTIC MANEFESTATION OF THE FATHERLY RELATIONSHIP YOU NEVER HAD! WELL I WON'T HAVE IT, HARRY.
Harry Potter: I thought we were talking about following spiders?
Ronald Weasley: OH, WE ARE. We're talking about following your inner demon, which is your inability to come to terms with your sexuality, which manifests itself in an inappropriate relationship with an older male. Seriously, Harry? Do you even listen to ANYTHING I say?
Harry Potter: You're totally ruining EVERYTHING for me, Ron.
Ronald Weasley: OH AM I RUINING YOUR SEXUAL FANTASIES WITH DUMBLEDORE? How how how how are we friends? Like, it's totally fine if you're into dudes, Harry! I think Dudley picked up on it long, long ago. As long as you're not hitting on me, we're cool! I'll even set you up with a nice young whippersnapper your age. But Dumbledore? That's fucking nasty, okay?
Harry Potter: Roooonnnn I'm just kidding about all of this.
Ronald Weasley: But you're not, so let's just move on until you can handle this realization in your own head. I'm here for you. Stop running from it, you'll only find pain around every corner.
Harry Potter: I'm sorry, since when did you write the book on the crises affecting gay wizards in Britain?
Ronald Weasley: Um, a million years ago, Harry. I'm not as dumb as I look.
Harry Potter: Well I don't need your help because I love girls a lot. Oh, was that just Cho Chang? Sexy. Yummerz.
Ronald Weasley: Harry, please, it's embarrassing.
Harry Potter: No, I am so totally after that hot ticket. Woot, woot. She is getting some later. And by later I mean when we are both of a consensual age, like fifteen or something.
Ronald Weasley: Fifteen, huh?
Harry Potter: Do you think it's too soon? I pictured us touching lips under a mistletoe or something super romantic like that…oh, how can I possibly wait to feel the lips of a girl? It is all that I dream about. Mmmm, her soft lady lips are calling me.
Ronald Weasley: Okay, I did not think you meant kissing. Right, so now it's just getting pathetic and sad. I have attempted to move this conversation onto…less intrusive topics for two twelve year old boys and you're not really working with me so I'm gonna go…k bye.
Harry Potter is finding it rather irksome that all of these teachers are escorting us to class! Some people have private business to attend to! (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley: Oh, geez.
Harry Potter: Looking for the spiders!
Ronald Weasley: The "spiders" or the spiders?
Harry Potter: THE SPIDERS.
Ronald Weasley: Alright, just checking. So, officially, the last twenty minutes on Facebook…didn't happen. Okay? We're ending it forrealz.
Harry Potter: What past twenty minutes on Facebook? ;)
Ronald Weasley: Omg when you wink it defeats the purpose…forget it.
Harry Potter: Anyway, the spiders…It's very difficult to search when everyone's breathing down my neck, yo.
Ronald Weasley: Well, one person is enjoying this…Dracockface Malfuck.
Harry Potter: Yeah, ik. He's strutting around like he's Percy Fucking Weasley.
Percy Weasley: There can only be one!
Ronald Weasley: *headdesk*
Draco Malfoy: You know, I always thought Father might be the one who got rid of Dumbledore!
Ronald Weasley: GTFO, MALFUCK. You actually have the NERVE to post that on here? You're not doing yourself any favors, we totally already believe you're the heir to Slytherin – you probably got rid of Dumbledore so you could continue your reign of terror more easily.
Draco Malfoy: Oh, you fucking dumbass little shit. I'm a twelve-year-old boy, but by all means, continue spewing utter nonsense across the keyboard.
Harry Potter: I guess…I don't know, Ron…he kinda has a point…
Ronald Weasley: No, no, I'd prefer that we continue along our line of absurd reasoning…
Harry Potter: Alrighty.
Severus Snape wrote on Draco Malfoy's wall: Now, now, Malfoy...Professor Dumbledore has only been suspended by the governors. I daresay he'll be back with us soon.
Harry Potter: ? Uncharacteristic of you.
Severus Snape: STFU this is an ABC conversation
Draco Malfoy: snickersnicker
Harry Potter: What?
Severus Snape: I'm A, Draco's B, so please C your way out!
Harry Potter: That is the lamest thing I've ever heard. You are so immature.
Ronald Weasley: Plus you totally stole that line from me…even lamer.
Severus Snape: GET THE FUCK OUT
Harry Potter: YOU HAVE PROBLEMS
Severus Snape: No shit! I'm arguing with a twelve year old!
(Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and 50,000 others like this.)
Draco Malfoy Well, you'd be chosen to replace Dumbldore, sir. You'd have father's vote!
Seamus Finnigan: ugh, vomit.
(Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter like this.)
Harry Potter: Kind of random Seamus, but I like it.
Draco Malfoy: Snape told you to get out! You know what, I'm quite surprised the Mudbloods haven't all packed their bags by now! Bet you five Galleons the next one dies (Pay attention, Ron, you can gather your whole dumbass ginger family together to fight to the death for the coins). Too bad it wasn't Granger though…
Ronald Weasley: I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU FOR INSULTING THE ECONOMIC STATE OF MY FAMILY IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR VILE COMMENTS ABOUT HERMIONE
Harry Potter: Oh, give it a rest. We alllll know.
Severus Snape: All of you stfu because I have to walk you to Herbology. So fucking stupid…
Harry Potter: Why don't you just do your job with a grin on your face, eh?
Severus Snape: You're going to die.
Harry Potter: Why, because you're going to release your big scary monster on me?
Severus Snape: Omg, yes, yes, yes, I am obviously the Heir. Obviously. IF I WAS YOU WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD.
Harry Potter: True…
Severus Snape: No, I'm serious. You would be the ONLY one dead. And Weasley.
Ronald Weasley: Why me?
Severus Snape: Ginger.
(Poppy Pomfrey likes this.)
Severus Snape: You know what, and Flitwick. That guy's such a weirdo.
Filius Flitwick: HAAAAY!
Harry Potter: What about Lockhart?
Severus Snape: Whatever monster I possessed would actually get food poisoning from that flamboyant little shit. Plus, I'd like to watch the light extinguish from his eyes myself.
Harry Potter: Wait that's actually really scary.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh, Severus, you little devil. Hehehe
Harry Potter: Nope, that's the scariest thing I've ever read.
Severus Snape: See? What the fuck IS that? He's mentally challenged; it's not even fair.
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Alright, everybody! Get to work on pruning the Abyssinian Shrivelfigs!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Excuse me, what?
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Just get to work; I'm too tired to explain. You know, working with these mandrakes is very time consuming and exhausting! So I just throw you guys some spinach plants and call it something magic-y. Is that alright with you, Weasley?
Ronald Weasley wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: -_-
Ernie Macmillan wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Harry, I just wanted to say that I am quite sorry that I ever suspected you. I know you'd never attack Hermione Granger, because you spend such a god awful amount of time with her – none of us can understand that, but we surely know you would've murdered her long before this present time if you'd really wanted to.
Ronald Weasley: So true.
Harry Potter: Alright, thanks, Ernie.
Ernie Macmillan: BESTIES!
(Hannah Abbott likes this.)
Harry Potter: Um…no.
(Ronald Weasley likes this.)
Ernie Macmillan: So, I kinda have this little theory about Draco Malfoy…
Ronald Weasley: You pretentious fuck, we came up with that ages ago.
Harry Potter: Sh, cool it, Ron! I mean, we're not going to be best friends with the guy, but it would be nice to have someone on my side for a change!
Ernie Macmillan: So do you think it's Draco, Harry?
Harry Potter: No.
Ernie Macmillan: ?
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Oh, shit! Look, it's the spiders!
Ronald Weasley: Would ya look at that? Well, too bad, so sad, we can't follow them now…we're in class and everything…
Harry Potter: Since when are you interested in remaining in class? You little coward.
Ernie Macmillan: Meh?
Ronald Weasley: ERNIE, WE MOVED THIS CONVERSATION TO HARRY'S WALL FOR SOME PRIVACY, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE HINT!
Harry Potter: Anyway, it looks like they're heading towards the Forbidden Forest…
Hannah Abbott: What's heading for the Forbidden Forest?
Ronald Weasley: Hannah, you nosy little shit, gtfo! And don't make me tell you twice!
Hannah Abbott: :(
Harry Potter: Ron, we're never going to have other friends.
Ronald Weasley: Who needs 'em? Anyway, they're just Hufflepuffs.
Harry Potter: True…
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Alright, off to Defense Against the Dark Arts, everyone…gotta walk you over…gah, so annoying…
Harry Potter wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Omg, you think one of the teachers would be interested in preserving our lives…
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Hay guyz! Just making sure you little dumplings are okay!
Harry Potter wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: I spoke too soon. Far too soon.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: ^_^
Harry Potter wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: You aren't REAL.
Pomona Sprout wrote on Class of '98 Herbology: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Okay, seriously, get out of here, Lockhart. This is the last time I will talk to the Headmaster about the way you hacking into all of our private groups. THE LAST TIME. The next time, you're out on the front lawn ON YOUR FLAMBOYANT ASS.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: So, anyway, we'll have to use the Invisibility Cloak again. We can take Fang with us…
Ronald Weasley: Um…er…aren't there…um, supposed to be werewolves in the forest?
(Remus J. Lupin likes this.)
Harry Potter: Um, hello? Random…person liking a common on my Facebook for no particular reason…I don't even remember Friending you…
Severus Snape: Oh fuck you.
Harry Potter: What?
Severus Snape: Not you! *He*knows I'm talking to him.
(Remus J. Lupin likes this.)
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: HELLO MY WITTLE CHOCO CHIP MUFFINS!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: No, like…you're fucking doing it on purpose at this point. You actually want to see if Snape's brain CAN explode. And if it can, I guarantee it will.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's: Don't you all realize that the danger has passed? The culprit has been taken away, y'all!
Dean Thomas wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Says who, you dumb fuck?
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Listen cool cat, the Minister of Magic wouldn't have taken Hagrid out of the hizouse if he hadn't been one hundred and pimp-tastic percent sure he was guizzizle!
Dean Thomas wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: If you're talking that way because I'm black, I'm considering this a hate crime. And in case you think I'm joking, Professor Binns has been indefinitely suspended from this school.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: I always speak like that, my black brother!
Dean Thomas wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: So wtf is up with THAT comment?
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: You're wearing a black robe!
Dean Thomas wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: WE ALL ARE.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: That's why you're my brother, obvzzzzzz. Anywho, the big bad man is gone and we're all going to live happily ever after!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Class of '98 Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: That's a load of horse shit.
Harry Potter oh, how I long so deeply to throw Gadding with Ghoulsright in Lockhart's stupid face (sent from mobile)
(Ronald Weasley, Dean Thomas, Severus Snape,and 234 others like this.)
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Let's do it tonight.
Ronald Weasley: huh?
Dudley Dursley: o_O
Harry Potter: The fucking plan! Ron, seriously. I need you to stay with me here.
Ronald Weasley: -_-
Harry Potter wastin' time before "The Plan" is set into place…playin' Exploding Snaps with Ronald Weasley, Fred Weasley, and George Weasley…Ginny Weasley creepin' much? (sent from mobile)
Ginny Weasley: I'm just watching!
Ronald Weasley: Definition of 'creeping,' dumb shit baby good for nothing brat. And also, YOU'RE SITTING IN HERMIONE'S USUAL CHAIR GTFO NOW.
Ginny Weasley: ? Hermione has a usual chair…that you were cognizant enough to notice?
Ronald Weasley: Everyone just LAY OFF.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Time to go old chap. On into the forest; the deep, dark, dank forest with all the creepy crawly spiders waiting to permeate your skin and LAY THEIR EGGS
Ronald Weasley: First of all, permeate? Really? And second of all, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OR NOT?
Harry Potter: Just havin some fun ~_^
Ronald Weasley: Mer.
Harry Potter: Let's just get to Hagrid's, Ron.
Fang wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I AM MAD WITH JOY TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOW HELLO THERE HOW ARE YOU IM GOOD JUST HANGIN OUT KEEPIN IT COOL NO I LIED IM NOT GOOD AT ALL HAGRID WAS MY BEST FRIEND MY LIFE IS OVER OMG HOLD ME PLEAAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEE
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Shit…he's fucking barking up a storm! Shove some of that treacle fudge in his mouth, it's so sticky!
Fang: SO YEAH WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT CAN I TALK WITH YOU TOO WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOISOJADADGJSOIJSDGIOAJSDADGS
Ronald Weasley: There ya go boy, there ya go.
The Whomping Willow: WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?
Harry Potter: Omg, Willow, stfu right now! Why are you even stalking my Facebook?
The Whomping Willow: For your information I like to keep tabs on you, not for any reason like my association with a super secret group bent on causing your demise…I mean I know Hedwig and I are broken up and all but I still like to troll the group and act as a spy- I mean, what? OH YEAH, YOU'RE ABUSING THAT FUCKING DOG YOU SHIT HEAD!
Harry Potter: What? No, I'm not!
The Whomping Willow: TREACLE FUDGE? *FUDGE*? WHAT KIND OF PRICK ASS WIPE ARE YOU? CHOCOLATE COULD KILL HIM! AND YOU'RE SEALING HIS MOUTH SHUT SO HE'S GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE BREATHING PROPERLY! WHAT ARE WE TO YOU, SECOND CLASS CITIZENS? I BET YOU'D SAY IT'S UNNATURAL FOR US TO MARRY WHOMEVER WE DESIRE, EH?
Harry Potter: Okay, if anything YOU'RE a second class citizen to me, as you are A TREE.
The Whomping Willow: Such ignorance, SUCH IGNORANCE.
Hedwig the Owl: WELL, IF IT ISN'T POTTER UP TO HIS OLD TRICKS?
The Whomping Willow: Oh, hello, Hedwig!
Hedwig the Owl: Whomp, I'll take over from here – thanks. It means a lot that you still dedicate yourself to the group even though we've parted ways.
The Whomping Willow: Ay ay, captain ^_^
Harry Potter: Oh, stfu.
Hedwig the Owl: You'd like that, wouldn't you, dipshit? Yeah, you'd like that a whole fucking lot. You just wanna shut us all up, don't you? Why don't you shove some POISON into my beak, ya fuckin turd monster?
Harry Potter: Turd monster, really? Poison?
Hedwig the Owl: IT MIGHT AS WELL BE – CHOCOLATE IS POISON TO US.
Harry Potter: I'm pretty sure that's only dogs.
Hedwig the Owl: SO YOU ADMIT YOU TRIED TO POISON FANG?
Harry Potter: What? NO! I…it was just to keep him quiet for a bit.
Hedwig the Owl: Fuckin grimy ass no good douche lord. I'm reporting you.
Harry Potter: Go right ahead, Hedwig. You've earned your reputation as a psychotic loser nobody is going to take you seriously.
Hedwig the Owl: FUCK YOU.
Harry Potter: We're done here.
Harry Potter wrote on Fang's wall: Come on, Fang, we're going for a walk.
Fang: kmsdglmdsgmksdkgm
Harry Potter: Fang, you can type. Don't be so dramatic.
Fang: CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF POISON COURSING THROUGH MY BRAIN
Hedwig the Owl: New member?
Fang: You bet your sweet ass I am.
Hedwig the Owl: ;)
The Whomping Willow: T_T
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: So I see a couple spiders, let's go!
Ronald Weasley: Wah.
Harry Potter: Can you handle this?
Ronald Weasley: We've come this fuckin far…
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: WAH! WE'VE BEEN WALKING FOR HOURS!
Harry Potter: That didn't take long…
Ronald Weasley: We're sloping downwards!
Fang: BARK!
Harry Potter: Fang, what is it? Speak!
Fang: I can't MY MOUTH IS SEWN SHUT, YOU TORMENTOR.
Harry Potter: TYPE OUT WHAT YOU SEE, FANG.
Fang: No, can do. I see something alright but I ain't giving you SHIT to work with. BARK BARK BARK
Ronald Weasley: FANG! OMG!
Fang: What? What was that? I can't hear you, I'm a second class citizen. I don't DESERVE the sweet sound of your vocal cords in my primitive ears. BARKBARKBARKBAAAAAAAARK
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: K, that's clearly not getting us anywhere...there's something moving over there, I think…listen! It's something big…
Ronald Weasley: Oh, no…oh no oh no oh no
Harry Potter: SHUT UP!
Ronald Weasley: I WANNA GO HOME
Fang: BARK BARK BARK BARK
Harry Potter: Omg, everyone stfu!
Fang: BAAAAAAAAAAAAA- yelp!
Harry Potter: Shit, where did that light come from? Oh god, Fang's tangled in some thorns…
Hedwig the Owl: Like you give a shit…
(The Whomping Willow likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: Omg, Harry! It's our car!
Harry Potter: What?
Ronald Weasley: Just come on! Look – it's the Ford Anglia. It's been here the whole time! Look at it. The forest's turned it wild…yuck, all this mud…
Ford Anglia: Excuse me? Who invited this fucker?
Hedwig the Owl: Hey, Angie. I don't know. Nobody. He's a fucking tard, just like his friend four-eyes over there.
The Whomping Willow: Constantly making ignorant statements…for shame.
Fang: UH, I'M STILL TANGLED IN THORNS HERE, GUYS.
Ronald Weasley: Don't you remember me, Angie?
Ford Anglia: That's fucking *Ford* to you, Ginger. Learn some RESPECT. And no, I'm sorry you have so many fucking siblings that I can't tell any of you apart. All you Gingers look the same.
Ronald Weasley: Well, I've never!
Ford Anglia: Oh, wait…no, it's all coming back to me. YOU LEFT ME IN THE FOREST TO DIE.
Ronald Weasley: No, it wasn't like that!
Ford Anglia: You dumb shit, you WILL PAY FOR THIS – MY SPIDER FRIENDS, COME TO ME NOW, COME AND REJOICE IN THE FEAST I HAVE PROVIDED! MWAAAAAAHAHA
Ronald Weasley: Nooooooo!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Hey, Harry?
Harry Potter: Yes, Ron?
Ronald Weasley Are we…being carried to our death by a pack of mutant spiders?
Harry Potter: Yes, Ron. I believe so.
Ronald Weasley Oh, okay. Just checking.
Ronald Weasley Wait, Harry?
Harry Potter: Yes?
Ronald Weasley: AHHHHHHHH!
Harry Potter: AHHHHHHHH!
Fang: FUCK YOU TWO
Marty wrote on Aragog's wall: Hey, Aragog, get over here. We got dinnnaahhhhh
Harry Potter: Really…Marty?
Ronald Weasley: DON'T FUCK WITH THEM, HARRY, SHEESH! I'M LITERALLY PISSING IN MY PANTS RIGHT NOW AND YOU'RE QUESTIONING HIS NAME
Fang: He's such a dumb shit, Ron, I'm crying!
Ronald Weasley: I'm so sorry I glued your mouth shut, Fang. Harry made me do it!
Fang: I know, I know!
Aragog: What is it, Marty? I just ate before! You're always bothering me at the most inopportune moments.
Marty: What were you doing?
Aragog: Watching Oprah, for your information. She was about to give out a bunch of cars, so move it along!
Marty: Ok, well, are you sure you aren't hungry?
Aragog: No, and unless it's Hagrid I don't really want anything to do with this.
Marty: Oh, okay, yeah it's just some skinny ass kids and their pet dog.
Fang: I DO NOT BELONG TO THEM!
Aragog: Shut up, pooch. Marty, kill them all, k?
Harry Potter: Wait, no! We're friends of Hagrid's!
Aragog: Oh, so you're gonna pull *that* card, eh? You must think I'm some sort of chump.
Harry Potter: No, I'm serious! Have you ever had his rock cakes?
Aragog: Why, yes I have. Broken a few teeth?
Harry Potter: Got the chips to prove it.
Aragog: Ah, hahaha. Maybe you are Hagrid's friend after all. But he has never sent men into our hollow before.
Harry Potter: Well, he's in trouble. They think, up at the school, that Hagrd's been setting a…something on students. They've taken him to Azkaban.
Aragog: WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT SOONER?
Ronald Weasley: You were kind of about to eat our brains I think…
Marty: Ha, if we only ate brains we would've had to search elsewhere for food, if you catch my drift.
Ronald Weasley: Oh, I caught it alright. Your name is Marty and you're a fucking spider. That's humiliation.
Marty: My name is plenty scary, ginger! RAWR
Marty sent Ronald Weasley a menacing look.
Harry Potter wrote on Aragog's wall: Okay, now that your friend has caused Ron to pee his pants, can we please get back to Hagrid?
Aragog: Um, YES, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO. Marty, stfu. Okay, Potter, listen…that already happened many, many years ago. They thought Hagrid set something loose on the castle, and that something was me.
Harry Potter: O_O SO YOU'RE THE MONSTER FROM THE CHAMBER?
Aragog: I see you're as dumb as our friends over at good old Hogwarts fifty years ago. Figures. No, I am not. I was of no threat to *anyone* and there was no investigation, just the word of a pretentious brat and the giant's sent packing. Isn't it innocent until *proven* guilty? Fuckin' bullshit.
Harry Potter: Okay…so…so…you *didn't* come from the chamber?
Aragog: Holy shit, NO. I was not born in that god forsaken castle! A traveler gave me to Hagrid when I was an egg. Hagrid was only a boy, but he cared for me. When I was discovered, and blamed for the death of a girl, he protected me. I have lived here ever since, where Hagrid still visits. He even found me a wife, Mosag, and you see how our family has grown…
Harry Potter: What is Hagrid, ? Jesus, by the looks of this pack of spiders he chose pretty well. Maybe he can help Hermione…anyway, let me get this straight: you never hurt anyone, true?
Aragog: *No* I never hurt anyone.
Harry Potter: Do you know what *did* kill that girl, then?
Aragog: The thing that lives in the castle is an ancient creature we spiders fear about all others. We do not speak of it.
Harry Potter: What is it?
Aragog: WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT! MOSAG, I SWEAR I CANNOT TAKE ONE MORE MINUTE OF THIS SHIT.
Mosag: Sh sh sh, Aragog, please. Don't embarrass me in front of our new *friends*
Aragog: What do you care about embarrassment? They'll be gone soon anyway…
Mosag: Haha, true.
Harry Potter: Yes, er, yes, we will…be gone. Now. Thanks for the help!
Aragog: Oh, I don't think so.
Ronald Weasley: Meep?
Aragog: My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid, on my command. But I cannot deny them fresh meat, when it wanders so stupidly into our midst! Byesiez!
Ronald Weasley: THE CASUAL NATURE WITH WHICH YOU DOOM US TO DEATH UPSETS ME
Harry Potter: RON, IT'S TIME TO RUN
Aragog: You cannot run from us! You're going to die, fuckers!
Mosag: Mmmm, I want the Ginger.
Marty: You can have him, I have my eyes on that four-eyed freak…
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: OMG, HARRY WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE
Harry Potter: Say your goodbyes, Ron, it's all over.
Ronald Weasley: I love you, man. I really do. I love Hermione but I also love you a lot more than I can explain.
Harry Potter: I knew it!
Ronald Weasley: Which part?
Harry Potter: The Hermione part. You did not say anything before or after that.
Ronald Weasley: What, yes I did!
Harry Potter: No you didn't.
Aragog: SHUT UP! SHUT UP AND LET US EAT YOU!
Ronald Weasley: T_T
Ford Anglia: Hahaha, alright, alright. That's about enough. I think they got the point, Aragog.
Aragog: But you promised we could eat them!
Ford Anglia: No, I promised you could eat the Ginger. But that was just to get you to agree to the plan. Just wanted to put a scare into them – and possibly get Ron to admit his creepy love for Harry. Hahaha, good times, good times. Anyway, I'll be taking them now.
Aragog: YOU ABSOLUTELY WON'T! WE'RE HUNGRY! NOBODY EVER COMES IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST! I MEAN, IT'S CALLED THE FUCKING 'FORBIDDEN' FOREST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TYPE OF WILL POWER IT TAKES NOT TO EAT HAGRID?
Marty: Yeah! We could survive for weeks on the big oaf! But noooooo, he raised Aragog. He fed him and bathed him when he was a wittle baby…give me a fuckin' break…
Aragog: You insufferable brat! You take that back this instant!
Marty: Never! I have to survive on leaves and dirt! That's no way to live! WHEN HAGRID COMES BACK, I AM CHOWING DOWN ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER
Aragog: NOW YOU TAKE *THAT* BACK, YOU PITIFUL FUCK!
Mosag: I kind of agree with Marty…
Aragog: HOLY SHIT! YOU WILL ALL BURN IN A FIERY DEATH
Ford Anglia wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Alright, get in while you still can…
Ronald Weasley: Oh, thank god! Come on, Harry, get Fang!
Fang: Oh, someone has remembered me, eh? I thought you were going to leave me to the spiders!
Ronald Weasley: Alright, get the fuck in, Fang. I'm not the one who fed you chocolate.
Fang: I know, I know. Sorry.
Harry Potter: LET'S GO!
Ford Anglia: You're already out of the forest. I'm like lightning, motherfucker.
Harry Potter: Oh, thanks…
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, thanks, Fordy! Didn't know you cared about us that much!
Ford Anglia: I don't! Get out, bitches. I have to go back and apologize. What I go through just for a laugh…sheesh…
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Follow the spiders…fucking shit. I'll never forgive Hagrid! We're lucky to be alive!
Harry Potter: I bet he thought Aragog wouldn't hurt friends of his…
Ronald Weasley: Well, he should've confirmed that little assumption! Jesus fuck. What the fucking fuck just happened. I'll have to throw away these pants now, thank you very much. I hope Hagrid knows he's paying for new ones…
Harry Potter: Alright, well, at least we know Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets…
Ronald Weasley: Fuckin' GREAT. Just great. Hagrid had us risk our lives and ruin my pants all to find out he's innocent. We still don't know who the real monster is! And Ford just made everything a hell of a lot worse by bribing the spiders to eat us, as if they wouldn't have done it to begin with…
Harry Potter: But she did save us in the end…
Ronald Weasley: Details. Anyway, fuck.
Harry Potter: Okay, we gotta get back to Hogwarts…
Ronald Weasley is sleeping until he's old enough to die in his sleep. Not risking death by spiders EVER AGAIN. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Ron, wake up!
Ronald Weasley: Wtf?
Harry Potter: I've been thinking…that girl who died. Aragog said she was found in a bathroom! What if she never left the bathroom? What if she's still there?
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: Okay…
Harry Potter: WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE
Ronald Weasley: …OH SHIT. MOANING MYRTLE?
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Harry Potter: Righty-o
Ronald Weasley: Wait why the fuck did Hermione just like our comments just now?
Harry Potter: Holy fuck! Is she conscious again?
Ronald Weasley: No Madam Pomfrey is sending me alerts…
Harry Potter: Jesus Christ. Anyway…hm she must have like, an automatic sensor installed for our smart comments.
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: Creepy.
Harry Potter: Not surprised.
Ronald Weasley: Alright, I'm going to sleep. How we're going to get into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom tomorrow is beyond me. It's right near the site of the first attack, Harry.
Harry Potter: I knooooww -_-
Chapter Sixteen
Minerva McGonagall wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Alright, so exams a week from today everyone.
Seamus Finnigan wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: EXCUSE ME?
Minerva McGonagall wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: In case you didn't notice, your education is THE ONLY reason Hogwarts is still open. What did you think we were just keeping you safe? I trust you all have been studying hard.
Harry Potter wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Now excuse ME! How do you think we've found time to STUDY? We're focused on staying ALIVE.
Minerva McGonagall wrote on Class of '98 Transfiguration: Gryffindors + Hufflepuffs's wall: Don't take that tone with me, young man! You think just because your lives are at stake you could say whatever the fuck you want? Shame.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: This blows.
Ronald Weasley: I don't even have a working wand.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Hey man, so it's been like three days, huh? I guess we should actually try getting into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom today…
Ronald Weasley: Yeah how the heck did we let three days just pass without doing *shit*?
Harry Potter: Beats me. Hey, what's McGonagall talking about over there?
Ronald Weasley: Dunno, trying to eat my toast.
Several People: DUMBLEDORE'S BACK!
Ravenclaw Girl: THEY'VE CAUGHT THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN!
Oliver Wood: QUIDDITCH MATCHES ARE BACK ON!
Minerva McGonagall: Stop making random guesses and stfu! Now absolutely anything I say is going to sound lackluster in comparison to everything you've wished for! Wood, your guess matters to nobody but yourself.
Oliver Wood: -_-
Harry Potter: What's the news!
Minerva McGonagall Professor Sprout has informed me that the Mandrakes are ready for cutting! Tonight, we will be able to revive those people who have been Petrified.
Harry Potter: Oh…
Dean Thomas: *shrug*
Seamus Finnigan: Cool…I guess.
Ronald Weasley: Sweet baby Jesus Hermione's going to be okay!
Harry Potter: *shakes head*
Ronald Weasley: I mean…EWWWW HERMIONE'S BACK
Minerva McGonagall: Okay, shut up! Listen: this is rather good news because they will be able to tell us who, or what attacked them!
Oliver Wood: That's almost as good as Quidditch…NOT.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: You know what the best part of this is? That we didn't even have to go snooping around Myrtle's bathroom ^_^ Hermione'll have all the answers.
Ginny Weasley sent Ronald Weasley a tense and nervous look.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Ginny Weasley's wall: What's up, Ginny?
Ginny Weasley sent Ronald Weasley a scared look that reminded Harry of someone, though he couldn't think who.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Ginny Weasley's wall: SPIT IT OUT.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: I know who she looks like! It's Dobby – exactly like the time he was teetering on the edge of revealing forbidden information!
Ronald Weasley: Great, Harry.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Ginny Weasley's wall: Either talk or get out Ginny, I'm trying to eat porridge over here incase you thought I wasn't busy & had all the time in the world to watch you rock back in forth in your seat. Stupid bitch…sheesh.
Ginny Weasley: I'vegottatellyousomething…
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, we've established that…fuckin' merlin…what is it!
Harry Potter: What is it, Ginny?
Ronald Weasley: Harry, come on! You just sent her 12 paces backwards. She hears the sound of your velvet voice and her brain goes to mush! Like this porridge I'd like to be shoveling into my face right now if everyone would just leave me alone.
Ginny Weasley: meep.
Ronald Weasley: See?
Harry Potter: Ginny, is it something about the Chamber of Secrets? Have you seen something?
Ginny Weasley: Well…
Percy Weasley: If you've finished eating, Ginny, I'll take that seat. I'm starving! I've only just come off patrol duty!
Ginny Weasley: Meep!
Ginny Weasley sent Percy Weasley a fleeting, frightened look.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Percy Weasley's wall: You're joking, right? She was just about to tell us something about the Chamber of Secrets, you pretentious fuck!
Percy Weasley: What?
Ronald Weasley: Harry had just asked her if she saw anything strange!
Percy Weasley: OH, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT – NOT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.
Ronald Weasley: And how the fuck do *you*know?
Percy Weasley: Well, um, yeah, well, Ginny walked in on me the other day…um, no, it's nothing. Just…it's nothing.
Ronald Weasley: o_O
Percy Weasley: JUST FORGET ABOUT IT
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: It's such a shame that I have to waste my energy walking you lot to Professor Binns…le sigh…we obviously have nothing more to worry about, all of those poor, poor Petrified children are going to scream the name of 'Hagrid' as soon as they awaken!
Harry Potter wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: Absolutely-deedaleedoo, Professor!
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: I like your style, Mr. Potter!
Harry Potter wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: And I like *yours*!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: Um…WHAT?
Harry Potter sent Ronald Weasley a swift kick in the shins.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: I MEAN THAT'S RIGHT, PROFESSOR, LEAVE US HERE, SIR, WE'VE ONLY GOT ON MORE CORRIDOR TO GO!
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: You know what, Weasley, I like YOUR style, as well! Wouldn't you know that I've been patrolling all night and had absolutely ZERO time to lather up my golden locks with specially formulated conditioner? Shameshameshame!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: Oh, you're not even going to like… pretend you'll use this time to prepare your next class?
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Class of '98 History of Magic: Gryffindors's wall: lololol, silly boy. Toodlez!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: omg.
Harry Potter: I know, come on!
Minerva McGonagall: And what do you boys think you're doing?
Ronald Weasley: Ermermermermerm
Harry Potter: *facepalm* Professor, we were going to see Hermione. We haven't seen her for ages and we thought we'd sneak into the hospital wing, you know, and tell her the Mandrakes are ready and, er, not to worry!
Minerva McGonagall: Of course. Of course you may visit Granger! I will inform Professor Binns of your absence. Tell Madam Pomfrey I have given my permission.
Minerva McGonagall sent Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter an outstandingly uncharacteristic tear-filled glance.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: That was awesome.
Ronald Weasley: That was kind of terrible, don't you think?
Harry Potter: Yeah, whatevs.
Ronald Weasley: Well, now we kind of have to go to the hospital wing since McGonagall will probably talk to Madam Pomfrey about letting us go…
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Harry Potter: One of those outrageous automatic 'likes' that happen when we think of something intelligent…way to go, by the way.
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, yeah…
Poppy Pomfrey wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Why are you here again? To talk to Granger? She's…passed out still. This…doesn't make any sense.
Harry Potter: It's kind of like a…a nice thing to do…you know, keep her spirits up if she's hovering above us, listening…
Poppy Pomfrey: She's not dead you nincompoop -_-
Harry Potter: Whatever same difference.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I wonder if she did see the attacker…because if he sneaked up on them all, no one'll ever know…
Harry Potter: We can only hope…alright let's get this over with.
Harry Potter wrote on Hermione Jean Granger's wall: Heeey, Hermione…what's up…um…yeah, they finished the Mandrakes and shit. So you'll be better soon…god, the dumbass nonsense I come up with to stay out of trouble…uhhh, you're not gonna answer…cauuusee you're Petrified…yep…about another minute here should do it…
Ronald Weasley: MY TURN
Harry Potter: WAIT A SECOND! THERE'S A PIECE OF PAPER IN HER FIST!
Ronald Weasley: Seriously, nobody noticed that?
Harry Potter: *rolls eyes* That's not surprising. Let's see…
Ronald Weasley: Aw man, it's just a lame scrap about something called Basilisk from a textbook…of course.
Harry Potter: No, look! She scribbled 'pipes' beneath the text…
Ronald Weasley: And that means…what?
Harry Potter: Dunno.
Ronald Weasley: Let's think for a little bit.
Poppy Pomfrey wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Alright, you've been here for almost two hours, enough is enough!
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: I'VE GOT IT! This Basilisk thing…King of the Serpents! It says here that its murderous stare will kill you! This is the monster whose been attacking everyone! And I'm the only one who hears it because I speak Parseltongue!
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: Continue…
Harry Potter: Um…okay. Well, the basilisk kills people by looking at them. But no one's died because no one looked it straight in the eye! Colin saw it through his camera, Justin must've seen it through Nearly Headless Nick – Nick got the full blast of it, but he's already dead! And Hermione and that Ravenclaw prefect were found with a mirror next to them! Hermione had just realized the monster was a basilisk! I bet you anything she wanted the first person she met to look around corners with a mirror first.
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: What about Mrs. Norris?
Harry Potter: The water…yeah! Yeah, the flood from Moaning Myrtle's bathroom! I bet you Mrs. Norris only saw the reflection!
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: But how's the basilisk getting around the place?
Harry Potter: Pipes! The pipes, Hermione wrote 'pipes'! It's been using the plumbing! That's why I've been hearing that voice inside the walls…
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: That Hermoine shit has GOT to stop…anyway, the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets must be Moaning Myrtle's bathroom!
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Ronald Weasley: YAY! I got a 'like.' Heh.
Harry Pottter: LET'S GO.
Ronald Weasley: To McGonagall?
Harry Potter: Duh.
Minerva McGonagall ALL STUDENTS MUST RETURN TO THEIR HOUSE DORMITORIES AT ONCE. ALL TEACHERS RETURN TO THE STAFF ROOM – IMMEDIATELY (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Shit! Another attack!
Ronald Weasley: What do we do? Back to the dormitory?
Harry Potter: Ron, WHEN DO WE EVER FOLLOW THE RULES! Into this wardrobe. We'll hear what the teachers are talking about and then we can tell them what we've found.
Ronald Weasley: Ugh, this sounds extremely misguided…
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Thank you all for accepting my invitation quickly. We have a HUGE problem.
Filius Flitwick wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Another attack?
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Did you read the group name, Flitwick? I said, 'shit's about to get real.' I didn't say 'Emergency Staff Meeting (shit's about to get status quo) – we've seen attacks all year! A student has actually been taken by the monster into the Chamber of Secrets!
Pomona Sprout wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Oh lordy lordy lordy!
Severus Snape wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: HOW CAN YOU BE SURE
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: The heir of Slytherin left another message. Right underneath the first one. 'Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever.'
Cuthbert Binns wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Aw hale naw!
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Binns, no. Just…no.
Rolanda Hooch wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Which student?
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Ginny Weasley.
Ronald Weasley sent Harry Potter projectile vomit.
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Don't even joke about that.
Ronald Weasley: It's not a JOKE, you best be running if you don't want me to hurl on you! My damn sister is in the Chamber of Fucking Secrets!
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: We shall have to send all the students home tomorrow. This is the end of Hogwarts. Dumbledore always said
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: SO SORRY – DOZED OFF, RECEIVED THIS INVIATION – WHAT HAVE I MISSED?
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: I was so fucking sure you were Dumbledore. Sit your ass down.
Severus Snape wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: No, no, no, Minerva! He should stay upright! Just the man, just the man for the job! Lockhart, a girl has been snatched by the monster. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last!
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: This is no time for revenge, Severus.
Pomona Sprout wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: That's right! Lockhart, weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is?
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Okay, we're not seriously entertaining the idea of sending an imbecile into the Chamber of Secrets simply to make him the laughingstock of Hogwarts? Because that would've been funny at next year's Christmas Party but now we're actually dealing with a human life – we can't pretend like we've believed all of his asinine stories and entrust him to save Miss Weasley.
Filius Flitwich wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Yes, Lockhart, you told me you were sure you knew what was inside the Chamber!
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Nobody's listening to me…peachy.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Now, now, everyone…heh heh, listen to the wonderful Minerva. I-I don't actually recall saying all those things you all seem to recall with such vivid detail…
Severus Snape wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: I certainly recall you saying you were sorry you hadn't had a crack at the monster before Hagrid was arrested!
Minvera McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: If we send Lockhart we're going to end up with two dead bodies. That's it. Shouldn't we put our efforts towards getting a team together and actually SAVING somebody?
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Yeah, I mean…I really never…you all must have misunderstood me!
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Oh, fuck it. Lockhart, we'll leave it to you! Tonight will be an excellent time to do it. We'll make sure everyone is out of your way! You'll be able to tackle the monster all by your lonesome.
Gilderoy Lockhart sent Minerva McGonagall projectile vomit.
Minerva McGonagall wrote on Gilderoy Lockhart's wall: Seriously, Lockhart? Get yourself together. This is disgusting.
Gilderoy Lockhart: I'M JUST SO EXCITED.
Minerva McGonagall: You fucking jackass. Get ready.
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Alright, so the only good thing that came from that is his absence. We can worry about informing the students and sending them home tomorrow.
Filius Flitwick wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: And…and we're just gonna leave that girl to die?
Minerva McGonagall wrote on EMERGENCY STAFF OF '98 MEETING (SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL)'s wall: Yeah, well, I had thought we could do something but…yeah, there's really no way of helping her.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS?11
Harry Potter: Looks like it's up to us…
Ronald Weasley: WE'RE ONLY TWELVE *sobs*
Harry Potter This is the worst day ever (sent from mobile)
(Fred Weasley and George Weasley like this.)
Fred Weasley: Because there's no dislike button we wanted to clarify the obvious fact that there's nothing about this day we like.
George Weasley: Yeah…we're not happy our baby sister is doomed to death.
Fred Weasley: This blows.
Harry Potter: I know, I know.
Ronald Weasley: She knew something! It wasn't some dumbass thing about Percy! It had to do with the Chamber. That's the only reason she could've been taken…she's a pure-blood!
Harry Potter: I know I heroically declared that we'd had to save the day w hen we were stuck in that wardrobe, but…yeah, we can't do shit.
Ronald Weasley: What if we go to Lockhart and tell him what we know?
Harry Potter: That sounds like the shittiest idea anyone's had all year but you know what, I don't know what the fuck else we're supposed to do. Let's go.
Harry Potter wrote on Gilderoy Lockhart's wall: Lockhart, let us in. We have some info to give you.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh…Potter, Weasley. Um…yeah it's not really…the right time…
Harry Potter: Are you *packing*?
Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh it's just terrible, Harry. Urgent call. Unavoidable…I've got to go!
Ronald Weasley: I KNOW YOU WEREN'T GOING TO BE ANY HELP WHATSOEVER BUT YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO TRY TO SAVE MY SISTER?
Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh, goodness, goodness me…that is rather unfortunate. But you have many siblings, don't you, Weasley? Yes, yes, you'll be quite fine, I suspect. One less mouth to feed, huh?
Ronald Weasley: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
Ronald Weasley sent Gilderoy Lockhart a roundhouse kick to the nose.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: WHAT THE FUCK! NOT COOL, WEASLEY! YOU'RE LUCKY I HAVE A PLASTIC SURGEON ON SPEED DIAL! JESUS CHRIST!
Ronald Weasley: YOU CAN'T BE RUNNING AWAY YOU'RE THE DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER
Harry Potter: And there's a lot of Dark shit happening!
Gilderoy Lockhart: THIS NONSENSE ABOUT A CHAMBER WAS NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION!
Harry Potter: SO YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY? WHAT ABOUT THAT STUFF YOU DID IN YOUR BOOKS?
Gilderoy Lockhart: Books can be misleading, my dear boy!
Harry Potter: YOU WROTE THEM!
Gilderoy Lockhart: My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think I'd done all those things! No one wants to read about some ugly old Armenian warlock, even if he did save a village from werewolves! He'd look dreadful on the cover! I mean come on…PRIORITIES.
Harry Potter: *jawfloor*
Ronald Weasley: So you've basically been taking credit for things other people have done?
Gilderoy Lockhart: It wasn't nearly as simple as that! I had to track these people down! I had to stomach their putrid scents and ruddy complexions! It was difficult work! If you hang around ugly people enough you risk catching the ugly gene yourself! Now THAT'S dangerous. I hold my breath every time I'm near that sack of grease you call your Potions master! Can't breathe any of his toxic fumes…I mean do any of those professors own MIRRORS?
Harry Potter: I…cant…..WHAT!
Gilderoy Lockhart: Harry, don't have a canary. Seriously. Alright, well, awfully sorry, but I'm off! My hair doesn't get this way all on its own, you know! I've got an appointment to keep and quite a long distance to travel!
Harry Potter: EXPELLIARMUS!
Gilderoy Lockhart: Ouch! Now I've gone and tripped over my suitcase, you brat. Listen, what do you want me to do? I don't know where the Chamber of Secrets is! There is NOTHING I can do!
Harry Potter: You're in luck! We think we know where it is AND what's inside of it!
Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh goody! A couple of twelve year olds have a hunch! Color me giddy! I can't. You two are utterly absurd.
Ronald Weasley: Too bad that you're actually coming, get the fuck up!
Gilderoy Lockhart: Alright, alright, hands off! I SAID HANDS OFF! These robes weren't hand woven by a pack of malnourished poor children just for the fun of it!
Ronald Weasley: Get in the bathroom!
Moaning Myrtle wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Oh, well, hello there.
Ronald Weasley: Cut the cutesie talk, Myrtle. This is important.
Harry Potter: Yeah, we want to ask how you died.
Moaning Myrtle: Well, aren't you offensive! You never ask a lady her cause of death.
Harry Potter: HOW DID YOU DIE
Moaning Myrtle: FINE! It was dreaaaaadful business. I died in this very stall. I'd hidden because Olive Hornby was teasing me about my glasses. The door was locked, and I was crying, and then I heard somebody come in. They said something funny…a different language, maybe. What really got me was that it was a *boy* speaking! So I unlocked the door to tell him to go away, and then…I just died.
Harry Potter: You…just…died. Wonderful, Myrtle. I think you're missing a couple details.
Moaning Myrtle: I don't know how it happened!
Harry Potter: DIG INTO YOUR MEMORY, MYRTLE.
Moaning Myrtle: Idk! I just remember seeing a pair of great, big, yellow eyes, then my whole body seized up, and then I was floating away…and then I came back again. I was determined to haunt Olive Horby, you see.
Harry Potter: Okay, those details were EXTREMELY NECESSARY. Annoyed that you didn't think they were. Anyway, where exactly did you see the eyes?
Moaning Myrtle: Idk, somewhere over there by the sink.
Ronald Weasley: Harry, say something in Parseltongue…
Harry Potter and Chamber of Secrets Entrance are now friends.
Harry Potter wrote on Chamber of Secrets Entrance's wall: Oh…hello there. Funny what turns up when you search Facebook. Er…open up?
Ronald Weasley: English.
Harry Potter: Oh, fuck. Um…sldkfjlsdf.
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: Hi.
Harry Potter: Hi, there.
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: What do you want? I don't normally accept friend requests willy nilly.
Harry Potter: To go inside of you.
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: Excuse me?
Harry Potter: Sorry…um, yeah, well, that's what I wanna do…sorry if it sounds a bit…idk. Rude.
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: Yeah, well, I'm sorry for being on the offense. I just had a weird break up and I take everything a little too harshly.
Harry Potter: Oh, shit. Please…please don't answer yes to this question: do you know…of a Hedwig?
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: DON'T MENTION THAT NAME!
Harry Potter: Alright, yeah, that answers that. Just let me in, okay?
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: Fine -_-
Ronald Weasley: What are you saying? I can't understand.
Harry Potter: Looks normal to me.
Ronald Weasley: That's because you can translate Parseltongue into English – I can't!
Harry Potter: She…he…its gonna let us in.
Ronald Weasley: Rad.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Well, you boys hardly seem to need me! I'll be on my way…already going to be running late for that appointment!
Ronald Weasley: No, I think you can go first.
Gilderoy Lockhart: Um, no thank you!
Ronald Weasley poked Gilderoy Lockhart.
Harry Potter GERANAMOOOOOOOOOOOOO (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: We must be miles under the school…
Ronald Weasley: Under the lake, probably…
Harry Potter: Lumos! Come on, follow me.
Ronald Weasley: Oh, god…is that it?
Harry Potter: Maybe it's sleeping…
Ronald Weasley: Ew, no…it's a giant snake skin…
Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh deaaarrrr
Ronald Weasley: Stop being a baby, Lockhart, get the fuck up, we know you haven't really fainted.
Gilderoy Lockhart sent Ronald Weasley a lunge attack.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Gilderoy Lockhart's wall: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!
Gilderoy Lockhart: Got your wand, mister. The adventure ends here! I shall take a bit of this skin back up to the school, tell them I was too late to save the girl, and that you two*magically* lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body! Say goodbye to your memories! ~_^ OBLIVIATE!
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Are you okay?
Ronald Weasley: Over here behind these rocks with Lockfuck. I'm okay. This git's not, though. He got blasted by the wand…
Ronald Weasley sent Gilderoy Lockhart a kick in the shins.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: The curse must have rebounded on him…fuckin wand is good for something, I guess. Ugh, what are we gonna do?
Harry Potter: I'll never get rid of these rocks to get your out and we're wasting time. Wait there. I'll go on…if I'm not back in an hour…
Ronald Weasley sent Harry Potter a sigh of relief.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Oh, shit, Harry. Seriously. It's not that I don't want to save my sister, but I would've been so fucking useless if I got stuck on *that* side of the rocks…oh, shit, we dodged a bullet. We'd all be screwed if that happened.
Harry Potter: Right…shift some of the rock while I'm gone…see you…in a bit…I hope…
Ronald Weasley: Try to sound a little more confident this is my sister we're talking about.
Harry Potter: Trying my best.
Harry Potter wrote on Chamber of Secrets Entrance's wall: Oh, you again. Open.
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: Yeah, I have many different levels. Are you sure you want to come all the way inside? I know that I didn't really question you before, but I didn't get a good look at you. You're super scrawny. Like, you're definitely going to die.
Harry Potter: Yeah, I know. Come on, open.
Chamber of Secrets Entrance: Don't say I didn't warn you… -_-
A/N: If you look on our profile, you'll notice that we have new icon featuring Hedwig and all his/her glory. Remember to leave a review because it will please Hedwig, and you don't want to get on his/her bad side, do you? I thought so.
Please review!
D+K