This one was suggested during a conversation with my good friend Nyre The Black Rose based on a small aside in the recent story I did called Everyone Needs A Friend. Most stories in my Deep Regrets storyline will be serious, and warm, but I want to also add some humorous stories, too, and this seemed like a great opportunity. This will have two parts. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg.

Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Bones was enjoying this particular ride in the SUV. It wasn't the FBI issue vehicle that Booth still had, but the SUV that she had bought him a couple of months before as a birthday present. As they no longer worked cases for the FBI, he because he was high up in the hierarchy now, and her because she wouldn't work cases with anyone but him, she didn't often ride in the issue vehicle. This one was a good one, though, and they'd had their fair share of moments in it, too, in the short time they'd had it. At the moment Booth was about to tear his hair out as he talked with Rebecca.

"Where the Hell did he get one of those!" Booth practically came unglued. He listened for a moment and then spoke again. "Well that's one punk he won't be around ever again!"

Bones just chuckled, which earned her a glare. Parker was 12 years old now and Rebecca had caught him looking at a Playboy in his room. Now she was telling Booth that as his Father, he was the one who was going to talk to his son about sex. As expected, Booth was not taking it too well.

"The boy doesn't even have armpit hair yet!" Booth squawked in a near pout. "Besides, you're his Mother, as you keep reminding me every possible second, so you should take on something like this. You found him with the damn thing, after all!"

Bones took the phone from Booth, who suddenly looked even more panicked. "Rebecca? It's Tempé. Booth will discuss the subject this weekend when we have Parker," Bones told her stepson's Mom. Rebecca had become a good friend since she and Booth had gotten together, so this was no problem in her opinion. She listened as Rebecca thanked her. "It's no problem, Rebecca," she told Parker's Mom. "I'll make sure that Booth does his part, and does it well. It should be rather entertaining," she added as she said goodbye and put the cell phone in the charger.

"Thanks for the support there, Bones," Booth said in a voice dripping with sarcasm. His hands clenched on the steering wheel. He had been dreading this for the last couple of years, and had told himself that the same standard he applied for Parker discussing and seeing dead bodies should apply here. No armpit hair, no talk about the birds and the bees. Last he'd seen Parker had no armpit hair to speak of. Thus there should be no talk about sex on the horizon. Unfortunately armpit hair wasn't a good enough benchmark for Bones.

"He is at the age where an informative discussion about sex is needed, Booth," Bones told him.

"Now you see, Bones, it's that word informative that has me worried," Booth debated. "I am too young to become a grandfather, and I don't want Parker to get the idea that now that he'll have some info on that particular subject that it's okay to go out and get some field experience."

"I could talk with him if you'd prefer," Bones offered, knowing what the reaction to that one would be.

"Absolutely not," Booth shot that idea down without a moments hesitation. "I want a moral foundation for my son, Bones, not some anthropological gobbledygook."

"That anthropological gobbledygook, as you so eloquently put it, has given you the best sex you've ever had from the time we began our romantic relationship," Bones countered, loving the banter.

"And Parker can find his own squint for that when he's, oh, say thirty," Booth said firmly, not really caring how ridiculous it sounded.

"You know that statistically it is highly probable that he will lose his virginity within the second or third year of high school," Bones pointed out. She was now just trying to goad some reactions out of Booth. She loved seeing him all flustered. She didn't bother to point out that he would be in the same position once more when their one year old daughter reached Parker's age. She wanted to see Booth get flustered, not have a stroke.

"I will pretend I did not hear that, Bones," Booth said as he placed himself firmly in denial. It was such a safe, loving place in his opinion.

"Or perhaps even earlier," Bones added, a small smirk on her lips. She knew that the subject of sex would always be one that they disagreed about to some extent, and she appreciated the fact that he had a sense of proper boundaries, but she had much broader boundaries than he did when the subject of premarital sex came up, despite his not being the proverbial "Choir Boy" on the subject. She was personally thankful she was the beneficiary of those non-choir boy background experiences. He was also the beneficiary of hers, so it was an even tradeoff in her opinion.

"Bones, if I become a grandfather before I'm fifty I will blame you, you know," he told her as they pulled into the long drive to their mansion. He couldn't call it anything other than a mansion, and even though he knew now fully why Bones had wanted to get it, he was still a tad uncomfortable about it.

"Ooh, will you spank me, Boothy?" she teased as she got out of the vehicle and walked to the front door.

"Don't tempt me," Booth muttered under his breath as he followed her gently swaying ass, already making plans for that night. Daddy was definitely going to get some!

Later That Night

Bones walked into their bedroom that night carrying a small box in her hands. She found Booth sitting on the bed in nothing but his boxers and she licked her lips in appreciation. He was always the perfect mood setter in her opinion with his perfectly symmetrical male body. She chuckled as she saw him reading a manual that he'd bought when he went out after dinner. The TALK For Dummies.

"You can put the book away, Booth," she told him as she sat on the bed and set the box down in front of her.

"Bones, I'm having a hard enough time fathoming how this nightmare came about, let alone be ready for it," Booth argued. "I will be ready, so don't criticize my reading material."

"That's why I brought you this to help you prepare," Bones told him, an evil grin on her face.

Booth, of course, noted the grin and mentally groaned. This couldn't be good. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but what's in the box?" he bowed to the inevitable.

"First, I have some very informative pamphlets about the human body and sexual development," she told him as she handed over the pamphlets. She pointed to one. "I recommend studying up on that one, Booth," she said with a straight face.

He looked down and groaned. "Bones, I'm already an expert on the female anatomy," he groused. "I should think that the little demonstration I offered last night, and again this morning, should be proof enough of that."

"We're talking about your son's font of information, Booth," she patiently pointed out. "You could use some brushing up on the subject."

Booth mentally counted to ten and dismissed the teasing jibe. The last thing he wanted was an argument with Bones when she was only giving him shit. He'd save the arguing for something serious. Then his eyes widened as she pulled out the next goodie.

"What the Hell is that!" he exclaimed, not sure he was seeing things clearly.

"It's a vibrator, Booth," Bones said calmly, though she was enjoying his discomfort. Booth's eyes were bulging, and he was looking a bit pale. The audible gulp when she said the word vibrator, with a sexy emphasis, was hysterical.

"I am not showing my son sex toys, Bones!" Booth blanched. No way was he going to have visual aids!

"It's to show him how to properly use these," Bones explained as she pulled out a small box of condoms.

"Hell no!" Booth all but shouted, a horrified look on his face. "Were you not paying attention when I said I do not want to be a grandfather before I'm fifty, Bones?"

"But these are special, custom made condoms," Bones chuckled as she opened one and unrolled it over the vibrator. "Turn off the lights."

Booth groaned as he did as she asked, knowing he wouldn't be able to avoid it. He instantly saw what she meant about custom made, and if it wasn't for the fact that they were talking about his son's sex education he would have been laughing his ass off. Right there in front of him was a glow in the dark condom, the glowing image was of a human skeleton! Imagine that? A boner, with bones, inside of Bones! It was classic!

"I am not showing my son these," Booth declared. "But make sure you keep some. I think I may want to try those."

"You see, Booth, you keep showing that you're not a prude," she remarked, a smile on her face as she turned on the lights. "Now you just need to show your son you're not a prude."

"As far as my son is concerned, I'm as pure as the driven snow, Bones," Booth defended himself righteously.

"Somehow I doubt that assessment," Bones chuckled as she got some more stuff out of the box.

Messing with Booth mental and emotional equilibrium was fun!

Booth just groaned as he settled back, knowing he'd be enduring a lot more torture, courtesy of Bones and her box of goodies, before he was able to get back to some serious reading.

The Next Morning, Booth's Office

Booth took another pull at the Pepto bottle that he had on his desk, trying to fight back the rather nauseous feelings he had at that moment. Bones final contribution to his horror was a full color DVD of an actual human birth. Talk about hideous! He shuddered as another wave of nausea hit. He'd been away when Parker was born, so he'd missed the big show then, and when Bones gave birth to their daughter, she'd been two weeks premature and he'd been on a set of training exercises and unable to get away. She was still grousing that he'd done it on purpose. But after the horrifying show last night on the massive 72" plasma screen television in the sports/man cave that was his baby in the mansion, he'd made a mental note to make damn sure that if Bones ever got pregnant again, he would be signing up for all training exercises scheduled for the final month and a half of pregnancy. On the sly of course as Bones would castrate him if she was purposely left with Hodgins again to help her through the labor as her coach. As it was when Bones tried to put the moves on him Junior was still too grossed out to offer a salute. At the moment it was 50/50 at best if tonight would be any better.

"Studly!" Angela's over excited voice filled his office. "So I hear Parker's becoming a man this weekend!"

Booth could now add massive headache to the list of dire symptoms he had going on. "My son is NOT becoming a man this weekend!" he ground out through clenched teeth.

"You mean you're backing out on having THE TALK with him?" Angela teased. She'd laughed her ass off when Bren told her what she'd subjected Booth to the evening before. Bren had also managed to take a quick, surreptitious picture of Booth's expression when he saw a woman giving birth. She'd said the photo was taken the moment Booth saw the baby pop out, the birth fluids gushing in full color. Maybe not in those exact words, but Angela didn't mind adding a bit of descriptive flair to the story. Angela had laughed so hard she'd almost hyperventilated.

"NO!" Booth said indignantly. He was definitely going to have a talk with Bones about a little subject he enjoyed living by called privacy. That was an area she needed some serious work on.

"So you are going to sit him down and give him the green light for a little field experience," Angela teased, having loved that particular phrase that Bren had clued her in on from Booth's near stroke the day before.

Hell No!" Booth nearly had a coronary. "I am going to sit the boy down, give him the basic info on the facts of life, and let him know that having something Daddy can't even have is a major no no."

"You can't have sex?" Angela asked, feigning innocence. "Bren didn't mention you were having some plumbing issues, Booth. Have you seen a doctor? Or maybe Sweets could be of help."

"I do not have any plumbing issues!" he did shout now. He thanked God that Angela had shut the door when she entered his work sanctum. "And I can damn well guarantee that the last person on Earth I would discuss any troubles in that area with would be Sweets!"

"Well then if it isn't performance that's the issue, what is?" Angela asked, trying to keep in the laughter.

"Porn!" Booth ground out. "The boy got caught with porn. Bones got rid of my stash when we began our relationship, and she also torched her own supply, minus the toys, of course. My baby boy is too young to be looking at that stuff."

"Sorry to break it to you, Studly, but your son is at the age where sneaking a peak at a naked lady is the in thing. Porn is the medium of choice unless he really hits a home run," Angela decided to goad him a bit and let Bren enjoy this stallion chomping at the bit when she saw him later.

"If my son, the one who still has no armpit hair, hits the proverbial home run, I will line up the Squint Squad and shoot everyone of you," Booth growled. "The I'll spank Bones for causing me to become a grandfather way to young."

"Even though you're the one giving the dreaded TALK," Angela tisked. "You have some serious accountability issues Studly. Here's the latest Agent performance reviews that cam prepared. Bye," she said as she left the office before Booth really erupted and turned his office and the entire Hoover Building into a modern day Vesuvius.

Booth counted to one hundred before he picked up his cell phone and punched one on the speed dial. His inner calm was not helping much.

"Hi," came the warm, sexy, and thoroughly evil voice he ordinarily loved without measure.

"Bones," he said with a deadly calm. "Tonight we are going to sit down and have a long discussion about the old adage Loose Lips Sink Ships. I somehow think you've developed a few gaping leaks in that ship of yours."

"I assume you've seen Angela," Bones very amused voice came through loud and clear.

"I nearly had a stroke, Bones," he protested.

"But Boothy," she purred. "You're the one telling me I should be more of a people person. Well, I'm just following your advice. Gossiping is a very people person activity."

"Bones, I will be drawing up a suitable list of gossip topics for you to follow," Booth told her. "For now, could you please not pass on anything that may come back to give me a major stroke?"

"Fair enough," she told him. "I've got to go. I need to attend a meeting of the Board. Oh, I picked up some more video material for you to prepare for your talk with Parker. We can sit down with it tonight in the Man Cave. Bye, Boothy."

Booth wanted to scream. Instead he counted to one thousand very slowly and then picked up his phone. "Charlie? I'm heading down to the gym to blow off some steam. I'll be back in an hour," he told his assistant. He stood up and picked up his ever present gym bag. The wait until the Pearl Harbor Day, as he was now thinking of his coming talk with Parker, was going to seem like an eternity.

A/N: There's the humorous setup. I am going to be posting the second chapter, which is the final chapter, containing the dreaded TALK tomorrow. I hope you all are enjoying this humorous look into this daunting task all parents go through at some point in time. Gregg.