Hey everybody, anybody who has read my story House of Twisted Toons will recognise the title of this sequel to Hero Rules.. As usual I don't own Disney's Hercules (unfortunately)-

{DitzyMinx breaks off from her disclaimer sighing heavily and scowls at Hades who has just appeared out of a cloud of smoke}: What now?

{Hades raises brows and flashes DitzyMinx a wide leering smirk} Minxy.. my little bird, my little flower, my sweet little-

{DitzyMinx frowns}: Save it for your wife God Boy… {looks around}… where is she anyway?

Shopping… but for some reason she didn't want me to go with her..

{DitzyMinx rolls eyes then speaks sarcastically}: I wonder why… so, what do you want?

{Hades blinks in surprise} Now, now Minxy babe, why would ya ask somethin' ya already know the answer to, huh?

{DitzyMinx sighs} You want to takeover my fic don't you?

Bingo! But uh, babe..

What?

I already have taken over.. {snaps his fingers grinning deviously}..

Aww, not again- {vanishes before she can finish her sentence}..

Oh yeh… now the fun can really- {Hades blinks, slightly freaked out by the way the reader is staring at him, it's as if they are waiting for something} What? I'm evil! Get over it already… {Pause} … and y'know what, make up your own damn disclaimer while your at it! {shakes head with disbelief} Yeesh…

Code of Villainy

Y'know something Hades.. {Hercules sighs}… sometimes I envy you villains..

Uhhh… {Hades looks confused}… may I ask why?

You guys don't have the same kind of pressure we heroes do… you can just do what you want when you want and it doesn't matter if you piss people off because your villains, it's a built in excuse!

Hey! Whoa.. whoa, slow down maestro.. it ain't that simple, there a rules to being a villain y'know..

Wait… {Hercules blinks in surprise} ..there are really rules to being a villain?

Duhh…

Really?

Do you always catch on this quickly?

{Hercules scowls} Can you just tell me what the Villain Rules are?

Ok, first off, it's called the Code of Villainy yutz.. and second off, no I'm not tellin' ya the code..

Please tell me… {Pulls big-eyed puppy-dog look}… I Swear by the Styx I won't tell anybody else…

{Looks at the face Hercules is pulling} No!

Pretty please.. {pupils widen adorably}..

{Feels his restraint slipping} Alright, alright, alright… {scowls at his nephew}… I'll only tell ya if ya wipe that stupid look off your face.. you look like an imp!

{Wipes look off his face}… So can we start now, huh? What's the first rule?

Was that for real? {claps Hercules on the back}… Seriously, that is waaay too perky, lay off the coffee kid.. {turns to Reader} Ok you listen up 'kay… the Code of Villainy ain't like your stupid Hero Rules..

{Hercules glares at these words}

..nobody cares about honour or heart.. {snorts} c'mon this is villainy, you can be as ruthless and as petty as ya like because.. hey, it's the only way your gonna get the job done, ya with me so far?

No honour, no heart? How can villains live like that?

Oy… {shakes head}… Heroes.. {returns to the Reader} Ok, first things first: Prioritise and set a goal. Think to yourself, where do I see myself in five, ten or twenty years time… whether it's usurping another's kingdom or taking over the cosmos… set a goal and stick to it, that's the most important part.. Don't have an idea then waltz off and do something else 'kay, that's not being a villain, that's being a yutz and trust me… nobody wants to be a yutz.

{Thinks over this}… Makes sense I guess..

Next.. get yourself some minions because hey, what good is a villain without some underlings to push around right? Any creature will do, they just need to be easily manipulated into doing your dirty work and not quite as smart as you… ya don't want these guys turnin' on ya or you'll end up like Scar… lemmie tell ya, he ain't pretty now.. Hah!

So do you guys torment your minions because you feel bad and picking on someone weaker than you makes you feel good?

What? ..{Hades blinks}.. Where in Tartarus didja dig up that crap?

It's classic bully psychology… bullies pick on the weak because of some underlying issue..

Ok, alpha I don't know what kinda villains you been hangin' out with recently but I only punish my minions when they so somethin' wrong, which is a lot m'kay… and beta.. {flares up irritably}.. don't use any of your New Age voodoo on me.. if I wanna feel like I'm being scrutinized I'll just go hang out with your dad!

Ok, sheesh I was just askin'.. {Hercules then adds under his breath} ..no need to get your flames ina twist.

Moving on.. {Hades grins at the Reader}.. Don't trust anybody. Being the bad guy means that in order to get anywhere in life ya can't let others get too close to ya, they might betray you at a later date..

Wow… {Hercules stares at Hades for a long moment}… that's awful, how can you live without friendship or trust?

Trust me Herc.. when your heart is as cold as ice and the only thing ya feel is resentment and desire for revenge, friendship is the last thing on your mind..

I still think it's a pretty sad existence..

Hey, don't I know it… {Hades sighed heavily}… but that's the price of becoming a full-time villain… {turns to the Reader}… Ok, now the next bit is very important people.. Know your enemy! At some point over your quest for total domination the threat of a hero is bound to arise and challenge you…

Oh yeh… {Hercules nods in agreement}… heroes have a habit of that.

Hmmm… don't remind me… Ok, once your enemy is identified be creative in your plots to take them down and don't be shy about using a minion or two… they might not be the most reliable source of evil but they are useful for finding out hidden information… {instantly flares up red}… and for the love of Erebus when finally ya have the jerk on a silver platter.. don't start with the friggin' monolog!

Oh my days… {Hercules slaps his forehead in exasperation}… not the monolog!

Ok, I'm proud to say that that was one thing I never did… {Hades snorts with frustration}… when ya have the guy at your mercy just kill him! Don't tell the bozo your plan cause if or when he breaks outta there it's the first thing he's gonna trash!

Yup, I'm totally with you on this one Hades.. {smirks}.. that's what I'd do…

Ok one of the most important rules in the Code of Villainy is when someone falls behind, they stay behind… under no circumstances does a villain ever turn back. Remember, none of these guys workin' for ya is your friend..

Ouch… that is so cold..

Hey, what didja expect… we're villains, c'mon we hurt and maim people not save 'em..

So if Pain and Panic fell behind you'd just ditch them?

{Narrows eyes at Hercules}

Heh, well I guess the answer is kinda obvious huh?

No… {Hades pulls face of mock-sarcasm}.. ya think?

{Hercules shakes his head wearily}

Ok, where was I… {thinks for a moment before remembering}.. Oh yeh, fear is a villains greatest tool.. especially when trying to manipulate others because despite what the saying says: ya can't kill 'em with kindness…

Err, Hades… I don't think that's what the saying is referring to..

Hey! {scowls while flaring orange} Don't spit in my coffee and call it cream…

What? {Hercules blinks confused}.. Just get on with it Hades…

Fiiine… you're about as much fun as Zeus anyway..

{Frowns knowing this is an insult but unable to figure out how}

Right… {leans into the Reader grinning wickedly}.. now that Wonderbrat is distracted let's get on with the show huh? Heh, not that there's much of the show left to get back to as we're onto the final stretch of the Code of Villainy… if for any reason you find yourself defeated, and not killed in the process, the one thing a true villain must never do is repent…

Wait a second.. {Hercules scratches his head confused}.. didn't you repent after trying taking over Olympus?

{Hades leans in to Hercules and hisses irately}.. shut up..

But you made a public apology!

Yehhh… but I didn't mean it.. {rolls eyes with disbelief}.. Sheesh, you heroes really do believe anything..

You lied?

Pfft… you really do catch on fast..

You're a real jerk Hades y'know that.. {frowns irritably}..

So sue me… {shrugs}.. Now can I finish tellin' the good people- ..{gestures to the Reader}.. -about the Code of Villainy without you interruptin'?

Sorry Hades.. {smiles obediently}..

Alright.. {checks that Hercules isn't going to say anything before continuing}.. so instead of repenting, which will not only ruin your hard earned villainous rep but also screw up any future plots ya might concoct, ya need to either charm your way outta trouble or just do some time and bust out later to get your stinkin' revenge.. a true villain's focus is never on anything else and they will do anything to get hold of it..

Wow… y'know there really is a lot more to being a villain than I first thought.. {Hercules pauses thinking}..

See, I told ya… even we villains have a code that we abide by..

But you don't exactly abide by it.. do you Hades? {Hercules looks slyly at his uncle}

{Hades blinks}.. What are you gettin' at?

You say villains don't trust anybody, but your happily married to Persephone…

Your point being Jerkules?

Well, that's a clear violation of the Code of Villainy..

No it's not…

It's not? ..{Hercules blinks}.. How come?

Because… {Hades dons a pair of shades and grins deviously}.. the code is more like a guideline than actual rules… {snaps his fingers so that his grey chiton changes into a bright Hawaiian style chiton under his black toga}… now if ya don't mind Herc, I gotta vacation planned with the missus so why don't you just.. {waves a hand vaguely and Hercules vanishes in a puff of black smoke}..

{Hades then turns to the Reader grinning widely}… ya see, that's the one part of the Code of Villainy that Heroes just don't understand.. the rules were made to be broken.. And I'm not the only one either, all your favourite villains have been doing it for years! ..{Hades flashes the Reader a wide smirk}.. Remember people, always keep your eyes on the prize…

{The fiery god winks then vanishes out in a curl of smoke}