Disclaimer: Characters and characters-one-step-removed all belong to Charlaine Harris.

I said there was more to cum.

BACK TO SOOKIE

Sookie, frowning, shook her head in disgust.

Awful, just awful, she thought. I mean it's nice that they hate Bill so much on my account but ick. Why have the Eric character have sex with him like that? I think Derek and Phil like it a little too much. Why must they always write Cookie to be such a moron? I wouldn't be fooled by Pine Sol. Hmm…

I'm going to delete everything from where it starts with "Just then a knock sounded at the door."

SOOKIE's BETA'd VERSION (Mostly unchanged from Chapter 6; no dildo in Phil's mouth)

Derek Southman pulled the value-sized jar of Industrial Strength Wet Warming Intimate Lube from the file drawer of his desk.

At the sound of the drawer closing, his minion looked up, a wild gleam in his eye. That look told Derek everything he needed to know.

That look held yearning.

Desire.

Lust.

Far be it for Derek Southman to disappoint.

"Take off your clothes," he said coldly.

"What?" the minion responded. Slow and dumbfounded, the minion was obviously in disbelief that his dreams were coming true that night.

"You heard me. Take off your clothes. The skinny jeans. The Grateful Dead t-shirt. Any other boring attire you may be wearing underneath them."

The desire-filled underling, long-suffering in his unrequited lust for the former Viking, made haste in meeting his Sheriff's instructions to disrobe. The Sheriff was uncharacteristically willing to share himself generously this night; his companion could not afford to wonder why. He could only respond—and respond quickly—and hope to experience all the pleasures fate would allow, given he was such a woman.

Phil Douchebag quickly shed his jeans, t-shirt and JC Penney boxers. Finally naked, Phil stood before Derek; he held his arms up in silent offering.

Disgusted, the Vampire Sheriff of Area Four grimaced.

"Gods, you're pale. So pasty and sickly-looking. Has no one ever told you this? There's something you can do for that, you know. Have you never seen 'Jersey Shore'? Would it kill you to get a tan?"

Forlorn at being found so lacking, the rejected lover could only lower his head.

"Well, don't get all upset. I'm still going to fuck you but I changed my mind about you being completely naked." Maybe I should blindfold myself as well, thought Derek.

Rising to his feet, Derek stretched his imposing figure. At nearly 7 feet tall, to say Derek Southman was intimidating was akin to saying the Niagara was a waterfall. As handsome as he was tall, Derek knew the response of all who encountered him was equal parts fear and desire.

That was just how Derek Southman liked it.

A smug smile formed on his lips as he noted the minion licking his own womanly lips in longing. Still grinning, Derek made his way out of his office. A few moments later he returned carrying a Peruvian guinea pig fur coat. He tossed the coat to his minion.

"Put that on," he directed the quivering former farmer.

"I brought this back for you when I came back from Peru," argued the lackey. "It was a tribute of my affection."

"Your point, Douchebag?"

Phil sighed. "Nothing, Derek. I'll wear it as you wish."

In one long stride, Derek had covered the length of the office. The slap he laid across the cheek of his minion was hard and punishing.

"What did I tell you about that?" he asked stonily.

Dejected once more, Phil Douchebag lowered his head.

"Yes, Master," he corrected himself.

"That's better." Turning, Derek kicked the office door shut. Facing his underling, he said, "Put the coat on and go around to the other side of the desk." He chuckled. "Then bend over."

"Yes, Master."

The minion wasted no time in covering up his titanium white flesh in the Peruvian guinea pig fur coat. Delighted to find that the fur tickled him in the most unlikely of places, Douchebag let out a girlish giggle as he made his way around to the other side of Derek's desk.

Derek, however, was finding himself feeling less than excited following the effeminate display of the emo environmentalist. Battling repulsion, Derek shook his head.

"You're lucky Cookie is out of town, otherwise I should never waste the time with you."

"Yes, Master," replied Phil, stretched across Derek's desk, his head hanging over the edge.

Watching the libidinous llama lover lying across the desk, Derek thanked Freyda that he remembered the fur coat. The puny, pasty Douchebag lying naked across the dark mahogany would've looked like the center median on a highway.

Now, draped in the oversized fur, he resembled roadkill.

"You know Cookie and I are married. Yes?"

"I know this, Master," grumbled Douchebag. He was not happy about the union as it was a setback to his being able to spend time with the Sheriff. The bane of Douchebag's existence as a vampire was that he could never have a sex change operation and just become the woman he was deep inside.

"As we are married, she does not wish me to have sex with others."

"Yes, Master."

"But she does understand that I must keep my underlings in line."

"Yes, Master."

"I cannot think of a better way to discipline a disrespectful minion than to impale him with my broadsword." Derek observed. "Can you?" He asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Standing watching his underling, Derek's eyes were unwillingly drawn to the horny horticulturalist's round, nearly translucent butt cheeks, half covered by the guinea pig fur; the Sheriff couldn't help but think how they glowed like the snow-capped hills found in the evergreen forests of his native land.

Although it didn't help much given his superior vamp eyesight, Derek nonetheless turned off the light before dropping his trousers.

Derek's intimidating broadsword hung limp, long and low like a third leg. Thick and white, with a titillating uncircumcised head, Derek's cock was a beast among cocks, even in its non-erect state. Grabbing his enormous member, Derek was pleased. He smiled with satisfaction.

While Derek had had a long time to grow accustomed to being a vampire, he remained grateful for one thing. Each day he thanked Odin that he was not just immortal but immortal and incredibly well-hung.

It had really helped pass the time.

Meanwhile, Douchebag, after sneaking a peek at his Sheriff's shaft, gasped. Oh, the length of it! he thought. It went on and on and on! Looking forward to imminent impalement, the minion licked his lips.

Derek heard, of course. "Yes, yes," said Derek knowingly. "Soon you will know pleasure beyond your wildest imaginings. Min lilla slidtvättning."

"Yes, Ah..." The guinea pig clad underling cried in desperate anticipation.

Without another word Derek strode to the back of the desk and positioned himself behind his subordinate. Phil shuddered in anticipation.

"Yes," said Derek. "Good underling. Excellent. Shall I have mercy on you and use some of this Industrial Strength lube on my industrial sized cock? Or shall I just pound you hard and let you scream like the bitch you are?"

"Ah would..."

"Silence! It was a rhetorical question! I was going to use this lube—it's new and has a warming formula and I've wanted to try it as I'm considering adding it to the bar's product line. Of course I have no need to ever use it with Cookie. However, since you don't know how to keep your cock-sucker closed, I've decided against it."

"Oh, Ah don't..." The minion groaned.

"You will learn," nodded Derek, his eyes dancing with the pleasure of being able to inflict harsh and inhuman punishment with his lethal manbits. "And you will learn now. As you can see I am big. I am often too big, inflicting grave internal damage on my sex partners. That changed when I met my beloved. My Cookie's magnificent sex channel rivals the Holland Tunnel."

"Really?"

"Quiet!" Derek hissed angrily into the minion's ear. "How many times must I repeat myself?"

Then Derek dropped his right hand to his as-of-yet still flaccid member.

"Do you believe it doubles in size when erect?"

Phil's eyes widened as he stared at his Sheriff's schlong.

"Don't worry,' Derek laughed. "You'll learn to love it." He placed his right hand on his dick and began to glide his palm up and down his length. Inch... by glorious inch.

"Ah," Derek sighed. "Lovely tried to name it the Gracious Plenty but I put my foot down. So we call it the Piggly Wiggly."

"You do?"

"Get it? It's open all night and takes care of all your needs."

Derek continued to embrace his own manhood—as they'd been together for more than a millennium, it really was his most enduring relationship. Enraptured as it was by its master's special touch, it did not take long for Derek Junior to be ready to spring into action.

Startled by the feel of something cold and hard hitting him on the side of the head, Phil Douchebag's head popped up. Twisting his head to look, he was relieved to see it was a lead pipe. Suddenly he felt a similar thump on the other side of his head. Confident his Sheriff was just playing with him like a cat does a mouse, the subordinate, turning his head in the other direction, expected to see another lead pipe. He was, instead, startled to see a veiny, bulging uncircumcised hard and cold vampire penis.

"Oh, Master!"

"Say hello to Piggly Wiggly." Derek laughed as he swayed his pelvis gently, tapping Phil's head teasingly. "This is a banker's desk, your torso barely covers its width; while you are puny by a Viking's standards, you're not a Pygmy. And yet here I stand several feet behind you, with my cock able to blow sweet cumdrops into your ear."

"Ah am so happy..."

"Silence!" Derek grabbed his throbbing manhood and dropped it down hard on his minion's guinea pig clad back. The Sheriff took a few steps backwards, loving the feel of the supple fur caressing his humungous harpoon. Carefully, he cradled his immense girth with both hands, fingers linked underneath its bulk as he lowered the bulbous purplish head to Phil's throbbing threshold. Since he had told his minion that he would be taught a lesson, Derek did not hesitate; he did not take the time to stretch his minion's backside. Instead Derek pushed his battering ram forcefully into the former farmer's fanny.

The underling, unable to scream due to the adult toy lodged in his throat, could only express his discomfort with loud gurgling sounds. Derek watched as his thick and long (perhaps it was three inches?) head disappeared into the angsty agriculturalist's ass. The Confederate veteran thrashed as Derek's magnum slid into him another inch. Spasmodically thrashing, the minion banged his head into his Sheriff's desk as Derek's invasion progressed yet another inch. Derek watched with satisfaction as another inch of his member continued its penetration of the recycler's reticent rectum. His underling's underside accepted another inch of the Viking's longship. After a few seconds, Derek leaned forward to whisper into Douchebag's ear.

"How is that, min lilla slidtvättning?"

"Ah..."

"Half-way there."

SOOKIE's BETA'd VERSION (With changes)

"Oh yes, Master, more!" cried Phil Douchebag.

The unexpected utterance surprised Derek, no one had ever before cried out for more when taking him with out preparation. Sensing a turning point in his long undead life, Derek slowed his thrust, allowing him to feel the tight and pulsating muscles lining the inside of his lover's hole. He was being milked, each contraction of his minions entrance sucking him in farther, each pull bringing him in further than he had ever been before.

Derek gasped slightly as he slowly came to the stunning realization that this man, this lackey might just be the one that the witch had told him about; his fated life companion. As he continued to bury himself deeper and deeper in his companion's backside, he caught himself reminiscing about the witch's prophecy.

"When you find the one who can take you all the way into themselves, you will have found the one to complete you."

His minion's bottom took him in farther, deeper than Cookie ever had. Perhaps he had been mistaken all along? Was it possible?

His lackey chose that moment to push back onto him, groaning in pleasure as Derek's ginormous cock reached its hilt in his ass. The groaning turned into a moans of pleasure as Derek's cock was so deep he could actually feel his companion swallowing.

Enjoying the beautiful moment of the revelation becoming clear to him, Derek closed his eyes and shivered in ecstasy.

Who would've thought that Phil Douchebag would end up being my life partner?

This was the last coherent thought to pass through Derek's mind as he lost himself in his newfound love.

BACK TO SOOKIE

With a satisfied smile, Sookie hit 'Save' on Amelia's keyboard.

"That'll teach them a lesson. All this ridiculousness," she sighed to herself.

Suddenly Sookie heard a car pulling up in front of the house. Glancing out the living room window, she wasn't surprised to see Pam's Lexus. Sookie watched as her roommate Amelia got out of the back seat while Eric climbed out of the passenger seat.

Happily surprised to see her honey—Sookie hadn't expected to see Eric that night—she got up and ran to the front door.

"Hey, y'all!"

"Sookie," greeted Pam.

"Hi Sook," said Amelia.

"Hmm…How's my delicious wife this evening?"

Sookie couldn't help but acknowledge that Eric had an unparalleled skill when it came to oddly erotic yet simultaneously frightening sweet nothings.

"I'm fine, baby," she wrapped her arms around him. "Where're y'all coming in from?"

Glancing at her friends, it was then that Sookie noticed the Best Buy bag Amelia was carrying.

"My laptop died." Amelia announced.

"Oh!" Confused, Sookie frowned. She knew Pam had a Dell. Her arm still encircling Eric's waist, she gazed thoughtfully at her two friends as she spoke. "If your computer is broken, whose MacBook is that on the coffee table?"

Suddenly there was the sound of a throat being cleared. "Mine."

Sookie swung around to look at Eric.

"Yours?"

"Yes," nodded Eric, smiling. "Did you get a chance to read my story?"

"I don't know." Incredulous, she stared at him. "You think it's shiny enough to hold my interest?"

Lifting an eyebrow, Eric grinned.

AN: Geez. What can I say? *shakeshead* I know I've got some new author alerts recently due to my other fics so not everyone may be familiar with the Sookehverse. Well, this is it. Sorry?

A round of applause for my cohort-in-crime, SassyVampMama, without whom Derek Southman would still be T-rated. LOL.

Special recognition to my sister (yeah, RL!sister-check out her Vampire Diaries fics!), ZenKat22 whose awesome vocabulary—milky mancheeks, reticent rectum, cadaverous anal crevice, etc.—really helped make this chapter what it is: deeply disturbing and amusingly alliterative. LMAO.