Story Title: Every Man's Worst Nightmare

Rating: T (for language)

Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

Summary: Stefan goes shopping.

A/N: Sorry for the delay! I'm a lazy bastard... Enjoy!

Chapter 3

Damon awoke the next morning feeling much better. He'd laid awake part of the night fretting over a solution to his problem. He'd come to the happy conclusion that he could simply just leave the brats locked up in the cellar. Maybe toss a blood pack in every now and again. After all there was no reason to let this unfortunate event uproot his life. Eventually their mother would come back for them, right? And then he'd be able to go back to pretending all this had never happened.

He showered, dressed, and got a blood pack out of the fridge. It was awfully quiet in the house. Perhaps it had all been some horrible nightmare. He paused at the stairs to the basement. He didn't hear anything. Were the little monsters still sleeping? He went down stairs and peeked through the door. Nothing. He flung the door wide open. There was no one there. Oh sweet mother of all things holy! It really had been a dream! He was elated! He had to celebrate! Yes, he would spend the day doing his favorite activity, which he had to admit he'd been a bit lax on lately...

He ran up the stairs to find Stefan, plotting all the way on how to ruin his baby brother's life this fine morning. For starters he would wake him up and rub his delicious pack full of human blood in Stefan's face.

"Good morning baby bro!" Damon sang as he kicked open Stefan's bedroom door. His face fell. This couldn't be happening.

There they were, their tiny little backs to him. Stefan was already awake and sitting cross-legged on his bed, he seemed to be playing peek a boo with them.

"Good morning Damon." Stefan said with a bemused smile. "You seem awful happy. Did you happen to forget about our little visitors?"

Damon was silent for a minute. He was at a loss for words. He watched as Stefan resumed playing with the tiny terrors.

"You let them out?" It was all Damon could get to come out of his mouth.

"What?" Stefan asked looking up at his brother again.

"YOU LET THEM OUT OF THE BASEMENT!" Damon exploded.

"Well, yeah." Stefan looked slightly alarmed but mainly confused at Damon's outburst. "I couldn't leave them down there." Stefan said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Damon just continued to stare him down, silently.

"They're just babies!" Stefan tried to explain. "It was dark!"

Silence.

"They couldn't sleep, Damon." Stefan urged his brother to understand. "So I let them sleep with me last night." he admitted.

Still no response from Damon. Stefan sighed and ran his hand through his hair, trying to think of another way to explain what should be a simple concept. "They need love." he concluded. That seemed to bring his brother out of his dazed state.

"Love? LOVE!" Damon screamed his temper reaching its peak. "What they need is SPANKINGS!" Damon said with a snarl as he started to undo his belt.

"You're not going to spank these children, Damon!" Stefan said scooping them into his arms protectively. "They haven't even done anything wrong! Why do they need spankings?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO, DAMN IT!" Damon roared pulling his belt free and cracking it like a whip. Both Stefan and the kids jumped. "I AM THEIR FATHER! And if I say they need spankings, then spankings they shall get!" He held his belt ready to strike, his chest heaving. Stefan was looking at him like he'd gone mad. And the brats were crying again. He suddenly realized he some how just didn't have it in him. This was ridiculous! He couldn't even bring himself to spank the little monsters! What was wrong with him?

"FUCK!" Damon yelled as he brought the belt down on the foot board of the bed with vampire strength. It left a crack in the gleaming wood surface.

"UGH!" he fled the room defeated, slamming the door behind him.

There was clearly no hope for this situation. It seemed he was powerless against the dirty little secrets from his past. At this point his only defense was to ignore the entire situation. He'd let Stefan play his crazy game of house all he wanted. Damon was going to wash his hands of the whole thing.

He went down stairs and poured himself a glass of scotch, and situated himself in front of the TV. He was annoyed to realize that the Shark Week marathon he'd DVRed had been bumped from recording in favor of a 'Secret Life of the American Teen' marathon, a bunch of Dr. Phil shows, and Kenny G live in concert. God he hated his brother!

He flipped through the channels instead and landed on Maury. Some bitch named LaQueesha claimed that the father of her son was Laurel. Laurel on the other hand protested that LaQueesha was a ho, and that the baby clearly didn't look like him. Maury brought out the paternity test, Laurel was the father. He stormed of stage cursing while LaQueesha did a booty dance in front of the crowed pumping her hands in the air. God! Damon hated day time television too…

Stefan came downstairs a few minutes later with the brats in his arms. He sat them down on the couch next to Damon. "I need to go to the store for a little bit." Stefan said.

Damon remained slumped in front of the TV, glass in hand, not acknowledging his brother.

Stefan sighed and stepped in front of the TV blocking the view. Damon looked up without emotion on his face.

"Look. I need to be able to trust you to watch them while I'm gone." Stefan said with a serious face. Damon didn't answer.

"Damon!" Stefan exclaimed annoyed. Damon just leaned around him to try to see the TV.

"I get it! You're mad." Stefan said throwing his hands in the air. "But can you at least nod your head 'yes' or 'no'."

Damon continued to ignore him.

Stefan stooped down to bring his face right in front of his brother's. "Damon! Can I trust you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just get out of my way will you?" Damon finally responded pushing his brother out of his line of vision. He heard Stefan sigh, then leave the house and drive off. He couldn't believe his brother actually trusted him not to kill the children while he was gone. Something about that irked him deeply. Probably because deep down he knew he wouldn't either.

He could feel them squirming next to him on the couch. He completely ignored them until one of them tried to move into his lap. He pushed them both off the couch, without looking at them. They left him alone after that.

While Damon continued his staring match with the TV, the brats ran about the house making a mess and destroying things as he imagined normal unattended toddlers might. He was mildly alarmed to notice out of the corner of his eye, that they seemed to have enough sense to stay out of the rays of sunlight streaming in through the windows as they reeked their havoc. They definitely weren't as clueless as they let on…

Stefan returned home about an hour later, his arms laden with shopping bags. He rushed over to Damon and set them down.

"Where are the kids?" Stefan asked looking worried.

"Who?" Damon replied smoothly.

"Damon!" Stefan yelped.

Damon sighed. "I dunno. They ran off some where…"

"You were suppose to be watching them!" Stefan yelled.

Damon rolled his eyes. Just then there was a loud crashing on the stairs. They both stood and turned to look at what had made the noise. One of the toddlers was half way down the steps, the other was in a heap at the bottom. It started to wail.

"Oh my god!" Stefan yelled and rushed over to scoop the toddler into his arms. He shot a horrified glare at his brother.

"What? Its not like they're gunna die!" Damon said shrugging his shoulders.

Stefan's glare of disgust deepened. Damon turned away from his brother and kicked lightly at one of the many shopping bags at his feet.

"What is all this crap?"

I'll try to be more regular with the chapters. But no promises! I just realized I make a reference to Stefan liking both Kenny G and 'Secret Life of the American Teen' In all my Vampire Diaries fics! hehe! Oh Stefan... I think making a complete fool of him is the only way I can write about Stefan. I really don't like his character on the show! Anyway... Until next time! Bye!