AN: Please don't kill me anyone lol. I've been very, very bad with my internet life. I've ignored almost everything I said I would do here and on DeviantArt and blah blah blah. School has kept me so busy. I'm finishing up my winter break, and where as I should have been doing homework, I was online window shopping instead. I've seriously lazed around for the past two weeks. I've accomplished nothing. I was going to do homework but instead wanted to finally finish up Through the Looking-Glass. I have the first part of the last chapter done... And nothing else. I was about to finish it when I came across this document. I had started it EONS ago but never finished this. Surprise, surprise. This was based and drawn from many of my favorite Cargan stories. I'm just parodying almost every theme and plot device I've come across in Cargan-centered stories. I've lost touch with most of the newer Cargan stories now because I've had no time to read most of them, I've read a couple recently, so if the major reoccurring themes are different nowadays (speaking as if this fandom has been going on for centuries) I'm sorry for not being relatable lol.

Typical…

The boys of Big Time Rush were spending the day poolside, because there really isn't anything else for them to do to entertain themselves. Carlos and James were having a back and forth in the pool over God knows what and Logan sat by himself as he stared lustfully—pardon, lovingly at Carlos' tan/olive/chocolate body as he resurfaced from the water. He is blissfully unaware that Carlos had pulled himself out of the pool to walk over to him. The racially unambiguous Garcia boy looked down at him and waved his hand in front of his face, "Hey, Logan?"

The light/cream/fair/pale skinned boy snapped out of his thoughts and looked up into Carlos' apparent tantalizing eyes and gets lost within them; because Logan has obviously never seen brown eyes before, not even his own. Carlos chuckles and snaps Logan out of his thoughts again, "You're always thinking too much, Logie. Just be brash and careless like me a little. Ready to head back up to the apartment, buddy?"

Logan's heart skipped a beat as he heard Carlos refer to him by those insipid—affectionate pet names. In his mind, buddy was short for fuck buddy, so buddy was definitely his favorite. Carlos held out his hand and in mere milliseconds Logan had latched his own onto it. They both blushed and looked down noticing how beautiful their skin tones clashed, like chocolate and vanilla.

Carlos poked his head around, "Why is there so much emphasis on our skin tones?—"

Carlos pulled his thinner friend up and let their hands drop; blushes instantly fading. The stockier boy turned on his heel and walked towards the Palm Woods lobby. He failed to hear a second set of footsteps and stopped short of the entrance, turning to face his frailer friend.

Logan scrunched up his face, "Now the focus is directed towards our body types."

Carlos scratched the back of his neck and shrugged. He made his way back into the lobby and straight into the elevator, giving Logan ample time to evaluate his emotions. Logan had lusted after—more appropriately, loved his best friend for a long time. Only now, after seeing his friend shirtless and swimming has his emotions started to take a toll on him.

"I've got to tell someone! But I can't tell Carlos because then he'll know and there'll be no plot. I've got to tell Kendall. He's the only one I can confide in because James is too into himself to understand how troubled I am."

Logan whips out his phone and texts Kendall saying he needs to talk to him about something important but privately. Kendall responds saying "fa sho."

Dinner is made by the time Logan reaches the apartment. Mrs. Knight and Katie are absent from said dinner and will be absent from the remainder of the story because their characters serve no real purpose to advance the romance in question. After eating, James and Carlos spend some quality time bonding over the TV or playing video games while Kendall and Logan leave unnoticed by the two to go talk behind closed doors, literally, in the room either Kendall and Logan share or Kendall and Carlos share because the lovers are not allowed to share a room.

Kendall situates himself on the edge of his bed and asks, "So, what's up, little bro? You're older than me by a few months or something…apparently, but you're shorter and girly so I think of you as my little brother."

Logan paces back and forth. Every time he tries to spill the beans he gets nervous and choked up and each time he doesn't spill Kendall gets more and more agitated.

"Just let it out already so I can jump right into trying to help you!"

Logan stops directly in front of him and confesses, "I'm gay!"

Kendall gives a questioning look, "That's it? All this build up to tell me you like guys? No, there's gotta be more."

"I'm in love with Carlos!"

"Okay, now we're getting somewhere. But anyway, I'm gonna smirk because I knew all along and am totally okay with your love for him, no questions asked."

Logan releases a sigh of relief and suddenly there's a knock on their door. Logan opens it and blushes finding Carlos on the other side.

"I wanna be nosy. What's going on, buddy?"

Logan's heart melts and his blush grows wilder because he can feel Kendall's expression on the back of his head; an expression stating "I know what you're thinking about and you better not do that until you guys have dated at least a month or something but this is fanfiction so that'll happen a few chapters, if not paragraphs, from now."

Logan stutters a few words and makes an awkward exit. Carlos stands in shock and blushes.

"Wait, why am I blushing again?"

Logan smacks his forehead and returns to his previous spot in front of him, "Carlos, this is the moment you inexplicably fall head over heels in love me without giving much background information on how your feelings emerged so suddenly."

"Oh, right."

Logan blushes; leaves. Carlos blushes and starts to think to himself.

"Wow. Why am I feeling this way? Am I really even aware of what I'm feeling? Well, it must be love because we both blushed. I'm in love my best friend. But I can't admit to it just yet because he's a guy and I'm not gay! Ay, Dios mío, feliz cumpleaños, enchilada, huevos rancheros, me llamo Carlos!"

Kendall still smirking winks at Carlos and closes his bedroom door. James appears out of nowhere and begins to comfort Carlos, "It's okay Carlos, you can confide in me because Logan confided in Kendall and so that leaves you to confide in me. I'm just gonna meet up with Kendall later and tell him about it anyway because what you have to say more likely than not has something to do with Logan and vice versa."

"I think I'm in love with Logan! But don't tell anyone!"

"But I just said I'd tell—"

"Okay now I'm off to get this off my chest and profess my love for him to either Camille or some random chick if Logan has already told Camille."

"I'm top!" both boys exclaimed simultaneously.

"No, Carlos! You can't be top! You're too perky and you're shorter than me! Therefore I get to be the man in the relationship."

Carlos shoved him back, "No, La-hogan! I'm on top because I'm stockier and described to have a more built body than you! And you're only taller by like an inch! And you're described as the more feminine one anyway, so by default you're the woman! Also, I'm the ethnic one!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I don't know, but it's always accented that I'm of color and you're pasty."

"I've never been described as pasty! I'm not pasty!"

"Whatever, güera."

"CARLOS! I had an A in AP Spanish. You of all people had a C minus!"

"Oh, bringing up the race card now are we?"

"WHAT? Carlos YOU brought it up!"

"Look! Point is: you're the receiver."

"What?"

"You're the catcher!"

"No, I got what you meant, I mean how is it fair—"

"I put my pe—"

"CARLOS! I know what you mean that's not what I'm getting at!"

"Look, Logan! The sooner we do it, the sooner we can start our relationship because everyone knows that is how relationships start!"

"I know, I know. You're right."

"Right, and the sooner we get together the sooner more over the top plot turns will get thrown into the mix to keep the story going."

"Or the story will just stop."

Carlos looks at Logan dumbfounded. His eyes widen, "That's also a possibility! Oh crap! I don't want it to end! Okay, one of us takes back what he said and breaks the other one's heart!"

"You do it!" Logan pointed at him with fear in his eyes, "You're more boyish than I am! It'll make more sense if you acted like the insensitive jerk!" And suddenly: water works. Logan's eyes were crying rivers of blood. No just kidding. They're tears.

Carlos looked down at the ground, obviously regretting the whole idea and wanting nothing more than to wrap Logan in his arms, but that would resolve things and he certainly didn't want that. He fidgets a little more and without further notice bolts for the front door. "I need to clear my head," the Latino boy thought to himself.

Carlos finds himself at an eating establishment, because he's such a fat ass and needs to clear his mind the only way he can, by eating his feelings away. He sits down in a booth, selfishly taking up the spot that could be used for a group of people, but he doesn't care; he's brooding right now. A cute waitress comes up to him; her name and description are irrelevant to this story because she's not going to end up with him anyway. She looks down at him and smiles seductively.

"Hey wait a minute, Carlos? Didn't you already confess your love for Logan to a random stranger earlier?"

Carlos sighs, "It was only implied and wasn't actually written."

The waitress nods in understanding, "All right. What will it be, for such a cute Hispanic boy?"

Carlos shrugs, "I really don't care, I'm not even sure what kind of food place this is. I just know it has food. Bring me whatever, you're not gonna charge me anyway."

The waitress was clearly offended, "O. M. G. You could at least try to play along." She left him to wallow in self-loathing while she grabbed some grub from the back. She returned with a cart of food. Smoothies, ice cream, gelato, Pinkberry, pizza, tacos, hamburgers, spaghetti, sushi, sashimi, sodas and the list goes on. In two seconds flat, Carlos inhales EVEYRTHING. The waitress giggles in that "trying to be cute and bubbly but it's actually pretty annoying" tone and covers her mouth partially with her hand as if doing so will prevent her laugh from being audible.

The waitress sits down, "I think you're really cute, how about we go out sometime?"

Carlos almost throws his food back up. The waitress, offended again, hisses, "Carlos, you're straight, remember? You're straight until you realize you love Logan."

Carlos nods, "Oops." He wipes his mouth with his incredibly filthy napkin adding more grime to his face, because he's a slob, regardless of the real Carlos' personality of being a neat freak which is frankly, incredibly ironic. He then muses to himself out loud, "I thought Logan was the central character of this story. I'm just his love interest, why is there so much attention on me?"

The waitress slaps her forehead, "Carlos! Focus!"

"I'm trying!" He whines.

Logan sits on his bed crying. He has his arms wrapped around his shins and he gently rocks back on his feet. Kendall walks in quietly and sits down next to him.

"Logan," the blond boy begins, "I'm here to console you. I'm gonna wrap you in my arms and hold you close. It's gonna seem incredibly gay, but hey, you're gay, so it'll seem incredibly normal for you. Here's where I say a few words and when Carlos returns I'm gonna be a douche and glare at him. You feel better?"

Logan sits up from his previous position which was lying on Kendall's lap. He wipes away at his cheeks and smiles, "Yeah, I do. Thanks Kendall, you're like the brother I've never had."

Kendall leaves and upon exiting their room Carlos enters the apartment. Kendall scowls and pushes past him roughly by the shoulder. Carlos feels guilty for hurting Logan's feelings and rushes to his door. He opens the room and finds Logan paler than usual.

"Logan!" he screams.

Logan had slit his wrists mere seconds after Kendall had left, giving him ample time to have his blood run all over his bed sheets and the floor causing him to lose consciousness within those long fifteen seconds. Carlos grabs his limp body and holds it close.

"I'm so sorry! Please, Logan, don't die on me! Please!"

Logan eyes remain open, unblinking. Carlos smoothes Logan's hair over and kisses his forehead with a strong amount of pressure.

"Come on, Logan, wake up, we haven't had sex yet! Don't be a tease!"

"Carlos! I'm freakin' bleedin', why aren't you getting like, gauze or something?" Logan exclaims.

"You're alive? Thank God!I thought I had lost you forever! Please don't ever put me through something like this ever again. I don't know what I'd do without you!"

"Obviously! I'm bleeding and you just wail on me expecting me to regain consciousness! I was seriously dying and instead of looking for some medical kit or something you just cried like a little girl!"

"Well it worked. Look, you're awake! And your skin is returning to its normal shade of paste."

Logan shook his head and smiled.

"I love you, Carlos Garcia."

"And I love corndogs."

"I want your corndog," Logan purrs.

"No! Only I get to eat my corndog."

Logan gives him the strangest look and rolls his eyes.

Carlos scratches the back of his head, "You're not talking about corndogs, are you?"

And as all relationships blossom, the two consummated their love with hot, sweaty, rough sex.

"Hey Kendall."

"Yeah, James?"

James leans over on the couch and captures Kendall's lips with his own.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Pair the spares. It's a writing tool almost every fanfic writer uses. If there's a group of friends and all but two are coupled, you just couple the remaining two together with or without much build up towards it."

Kendall nodded his head understandingly, "But aren't I already canonically coupled with Jo? Technically Logan broke up with Camille."

"This is fanfiction," James rebuked, "those rules don't apply here; otherwise none of us would be gay."

Kendall rubbed his chin and raised one eyebrow, "I don't know… Carlos and Logan touch each other way too much, and neither really wants a girlfriend despite their alleged interest in women. I mean, if they really wanted one, they would have stuck with those girls: Camille or Mercedes, or Stephanie or whatever that fake girlfriend's name was. And you strike me as the gayest one here. Despite your alleged interest in women, I mean so far you're the only one who hasn't had a single potential girlfriend. I mean you're shown being mauled by millions of girls all the time, how is it your single?"

"I wouldn't say millions. More like dozens."

Kendall stared at him deadpan, "Whatever let's get together. If that pair the spares rule applies then Camille and Jo will end up together."

James squealed, "Yay! We'll all be one big gay family!"

Kendall looked worriedly at him, "I wonder how my mom's gonna act upon discovering that… Katie will be fine with it. That I know for sure."