He's aware that Luffy's draped haphazardly across his chest and stomach before he's fully awake, but the horrible taste in his mouth - like something awful crawled in there and died while he was sleeping - doesn't register until he blearily opens his eyes.

"Gimmie five more minutes," the captain whines sleepily as Zoro shifts him aside, burrowing under the blankets and soon resuming his faint snoring. The swordsman's tempted to rejoin him, but he's missed too many morning exercise routines thanks to that Enies Lobby insanity and he wants to check out the new gym that Franky's promised him.

He swings his legs over the side of the bunk and drops to the floor below, stifling a yawn and stretching his arms over his head. He's surprised to see that Usopp's bunk is empty; the sniper's usually only up and about shortly before Luffy. Maybe they've slept longer than he thought.

Casting his gaze about in search of his haramaki, he eventually spots it dangling from the axe head mounted to the wall and dimly remembers somebody - either Luffy or himself, he's not sure - shooting it across the room like one of Usopp's rubber bands.

He's plucking it free, cursing softly as the fabric tears on the axe blade's point, when a monstrous bolt of pain stabs through his temple. He staggers, loses his balance, and crashes into the storage lockers hard enough to dent one door.

"I didn't eat that meat, I swear!" Luffy shrieks as he shoots upright, scrabbling at the blanket covering his face. Hands up, palms held out defensively, the captain blinks at the swordsman with unfocused eyes and promptly flops over backwards out of sight. In seconds, faint snores drift down from the bunk.

Zoro snorts, rubbing his bruised elbow. He eyes the damaged locker, grimacing, because Franky's obviously poured too much of his heart and soul into this ship to take kindly to people wrecking it, but then he realizes that it's the one Sanji claimed and suddenly doesn't feel quite so guilty.

He dresses slowly, stubbornly ignoring the way his temple continues throbbing.

When he steps outside the men's quarters, he's startled to see that the sun is almost directly overhead, and it's a hell of a lot later than he anticipated. He wanders across the lawn deck, realizing belatedly that he's forgotten his boots as the grass tickles his feet.

"So the marimo finally rolled out of bed. I was starting to wonder if we needed to open the door so it'd find it's way out of the dark."

"Shut up," Zoro grumbles, sounding slightly less hostile than usual because his head's still killing him, and the bright light isn't helping. They must be passing a summer current, because it's almost uncomfortably warm and now he's really not looking forward to his weight lifting. "Oi, what time is it, ero-cook?"

"You idiots missed breakfast and lunch," Sanji grumbles as he leans back on his elbow against the Sunny's railing, rolling his cigarette between his fingers, and Zoro wonders how the hell the man can stand wearing that hideous suit in this weather.

"Shit." The swordsman scowls as he joins the cook and peers out across the Grandline, which seems sedate for a change, and although he'll never admit it, he's glad, because he's a little tired of killer waves and rampaging sea trains. They all need a chance to kick back, relax and recover from the shit they've just been through.

He sneezes suddenly, his eyes and nose itching, and realizes that Sanji reeks. He's not sure he's ever noticed it before, but the man smells like a goddamn ashtray, and his stomach roils uneasily. "Oi, get that shitty thing outta my face."

"Woke up on the wrong side of the bunk this afternoon?" Sanji inquires pointedly, deliberately blowing a lungful of smoke into the swordsman's face and smirking when other pirate fans at the air with both hands, coughing and looking disgusted.

The smile on the cook's face abruptly vanishes when Zoro pales, then leans forward and vomits over the railing so forcefully that Sanji lunges and grabs him by the collar to keep him from falling overboard.

"Jeez, you must have one hell of a hangover," he tells the swordsman, who's too busy wiping his face on his shirt front and trying not to start retching again to notice the hand on his back. "I know we all got a little smashed last night, but at least I can still remember how many mugs I drank."

Zoro glares at him with watery eyes and spits phlegm over the railing. His stomach protests noisily to the smoke and seafood odors clinging to the cook, and he sits down suddenly, yanking Sanji off balance. "I don't get hangovers. It's you - you fucking stink."

His gut lurches and he rocks forward, putting his head between his knees and struggling to keep his breathing deep and even because he really doesn't want to throw up again, not in front of this asshole.

Sanji watches him uneasily. He knows Zoro drank a hell of a lot yesterday evening - they all did, celebrating Robin's rescue and Usopp's return and the addition of their newest, possibly most unique crew member - but he's seen the swordsman drink just as much before. And he hates to admit that Zoro's right, but he can't remember ever seeing the man this ill in the past. Bleeding and half-dead from injuries, yes, but hacking up a lung over a little cigarette smoke?

"Maybe I should go get Chopper…"

"Don't bother - I'm fine."

"Oi, Marimo, you just hurled like you were trying to set a projectile record. There's obviously something wrong," the cook insists. "I'll go find him."

"I said forget it!"

When Zoro's fist punches his hip, Sanji's even more alarmed when there's barely any force behind the blow. His body reacts automatically, foot lifting to kick the green-haired bastard in the shoulder, but he restrains himself when he notices the sweat beaded on the swordsman's face and arms.

"You idiot, can't you tell when you're sick?"

xxx

It takes Sanji nearly fifteen minutes to locate the doctor because they're all still learning where everything is on the new ship. When he and Chopper return to the lawn deck, they find Zoro curled in a fetal position in the grass, one arm tucked over his eyes to block the sun. Nami's standing nearby, the expression on her face warring between disgust and concern.

"Watch where you step. He almost got my feet."

Skirting the wet patch, Chopper lays a hoof on the swordsman's shoulder. "Zoro?"

"Oi, what's going on?" Usopp calls down from the deck atop the dining hall, his attention drawn by the crowd forming on the lawn. "Something wrong with Zoro?"

"Dumbass caught the flu or something," Sanji hollers back. He nudges the prone figure with his foot. "You better not be contagious. If Nami-san or Robin-chan get it, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Not sick," Zoro mumbles, rolling over onto his back but keeping his arm draped over his eyes. "Just felt like taking a nap."

"You almost threw up on my feet!"

Chopper, who's been poking and prodding at his reluctant patient and ignoring the swordsman's muffled protests, sits back and looks up at Sanji and Nami. "His temperature's definitely higher than normal, but I won't know more until we get him to the infirmary."

"Franky, can you lend us a hand with this moron?"

The shipwright, who's poking his head out the aquarium bar door to see what's going on, strolls out to join them, his shirt flapping around his waist. "Sure thing, eyebrow-bro. I've gotcha covered."

"Could you please stop calling me that?"

Franky kneels down and unceremoniously scoops the unsuspecting swordsman into his arms. "Up you go!"

"Oi, put me the fuck down!" Zoro barks, arms and legs flailing wildly as he realizes what's happened. Sanji grins, enjoying his discomfort, although he's pretty certain that he'd react the same way. Because Franky really is a super - to use the shipwright's own word - nakama for giving them such an incredible ship but the whole bulging thong and bare hairy legs thing is kind of disturbing.

"Chill out, haramaki-guy! I don't wanna drop you on your head."

"I'm sure you wouldn't hurt anything if you did," Nami says dryly. She turns to Sanji. "Wake Luffy up if he hasn't gotten out of bed yet and let him know what's going on so he doesn't tear the ship apart looking for Zoro. I just know he wasn't paying attention when Franky gave us the tour."

"If I puke again," the swordsman hisses venomously at the shipwright carrying him towards the stairs, "I'm going to make sure it's on you!"

xxx

Chopper's puzzled to find that Zoro's temperature, while elevated, isn't high enough for alarm, and the swordsman finally escapes his clutches by making a hasty promise to visit the kitchen for some food before returning to bed, dosed liberally with anti-nausea medicine.

The idea of eating is entirely unappealing, but he's made a promise, so he chokes down the pieces of toast that Sanji shoves rudely across the counter at him. Luffy, red-eyed and whining loudly that he's got a migraine - because unlike the swordsman, he actually is slightly hung over - harasses the cook into making him a before-dinner snack. Sanji endures the captain hanging off his shoulders the entire time he's preparing the meal and swears adamantly that the rubber man's to never be allowed so much alcohol again.

The swordsman skulks out before he's finished, because the smell of cooking food is turning his stomach something awful and he knows he's definitely going to lose it if he watches Luffy eat. Whatever Chopper gave him isn't doing shit.

When Zoro returns to the men's quarters and claims the sofa, too exhausted to climb into their bunk, Luffy eventually wanders in - still chewing the contents of bulging chipmunk cheeks - and tries unsuccessfully to join him. Rebuked loudly by Chopper for clambering all over the sick pirate, the captain spends the evening haunting the kitchen and getting in Sanji's way again until he's kicked out for causing too much mayhem.

The oblivious swordsman sleeps through dinner, despite repeated attempts to coax him to the dining hall, but he's wide awake and very unhappy about it when the other men turn in for the night.

Over Chopper's aggrieved protests, Sanji eventually chases him outside, complaining that he can't sleep unless the shitty marimo turns out the light that he's using while polishing his blades. He spends the hours until daybreak wandering the deck with Yubashiri's hilt clutched in his hand, studying the sword's broken, rusted blade and wondering what he should do with it.

Robin studies him from the crow's nest, and he's still awake and pacing when the sun breaks over the horizon and she passes watch duties to Franky, who's puzzling over the non-committal grunt the swordsman offered in return to his exclamation that it looks as though it's going to be a super new day.

xxx

Each day settles into an unpleasant routine: after he spends all night wandering around the ship, the swordsman falls into restless sleep until mid-afternoon, at which point he wakes up too nauseated and dizzy to start strength training. The lack of sleep makes him irritable enough that everyone but Luffy steers clear, and even he's sometimes driven away and found sulking in the aquarium bar or the library, much to Robin's chagrin when she finds him building a miniature fort using her books.

The sleep-deprived swordsman tries to pick fights with Sanji, who evades him until he's hard pressed enough that he snaps, and then they squabble until someone - usually Nami, wielding fists of doom - intervenes or Zoro becomes violently ill.

He hates showing weakness, but it pleases him immensely whenever he succeeds in puking on the cook's freshly-shined shoes.

Because Zoro's stubbornness is second only to the captain's, it takes several days and his crew mates finally threatening to dump him at the next island before he finally admits defeat and drags himself back to Chopper's office.

xxx

"Oi," he announces, not waiting for the doctor to welcome him as he strolls in and drops a small round object onto Chopper's desk. It rolls towards the edge with a horrid squelching sound, and the reindeer fumbles to grab it before it falls to the floor.

"Zoro, wha- iee!" He yelps as his hoof punches a hole through the sphere's soft surface, spilling a puddle of iridescent blue liquid onto his desk blotter. It reeks like rotten eggs and fish left to dry in the sun, and Chopper gags, hurriedly dropping the thing and fumbling for a towel. "GAH! What is it?"

"Dunno, I figured they were some kind of fruit. I bought them in Water Seven before we left." The swordsman wrinkles his nose at the foul odor rising from the mess, backing away a bit when his stomach reminds him that it's still unhappy. "It must be rotten - they didn't smell this bad before."

"You ate one of these?"

"..."

"So, more than one of these things," Chopper sighs, glowering at the swordsman. "Why?"

"Luffy ate most of them!" Zoro protests. "He likes, ah, you know how he gets about new weird foods."

"Hrm, well, next time you decide to go gift shopping for Luffy, make sure you bring back something that's actually edible," Chopper states, watching the fidgeting pirate's face go red. "I don't know what you guys ate, but this is no fruit I've ever seen."

He turns back to the oozing globe on his desk. "Maybe Franky can identify it, since you said you got it from Water Seven. How'd this one escaped Luffy's gut anyway?"

"Hid it and probably forgot about it. You think eating those things messed me up?"

"It's possible that it's food poisoning," Chopper admits as he rummages through his shelves, searching for a container so he can safely relocate the thing that's stinking up his desk. "-but I'll need to run a urine and blood analysis to determine what type."

Excited by the fact that he's now got the medical equipment to run such tests, the doctor tosses an empty cup to the scowling swordsman. "Here. Please bring it back when you're done."

Zoro grumbles and snatches it from him, hoping like hell that nobody's standing out back, because there's no way he's running all the way to the toilet just so he can trot back across the lawn deck with a cup full of piss.

xxx

The next afternoon, Chopper stares down at his scribbled notes and wonders how he's going to break the news without Zoro cutting him into bloody quarters for Sanji to serve at the next meal.

In the end, it takes the doctor nearly two hours to convince the befuddled swordsman that no, he's not pulling his leg, and yes, the rest of the crew need to know. Thankfully for Chopper, Zoro's so stunned and embarrassed that he flees the infirmary without threatening bodily harm.

He spends the rest of the afternoon hiding in the men's quarters, rumbling threateningly like a uneasy volcano whenever anyone's unfortunate enough to disturb him. Much to the cook's distress, Luffy ends up hanging around the kitchen yet again, after Zoro pummels the curious captain for getting too friendly. Sanji finds himself abandoned by both his mellorines and the other crew members when the pouting younger pirate gets a bit too descriptive about his aching balls.

It's starting to get dark when Franky, Sanji and Usopp are forced to drag the flailing swordsman, spitting verbal abuse, to the dining hall where the ship's doctor has announced a meeting.

xxx

"May I have your attention?"

Chopper blushes as the noise dies down and everyone's eyes turn toward him, except for Luffy's, because the captain is hopefully nudging an onigiri at the swordsman slumped beside him on the bench. He pouts when it's waved away, shrugs and stuffs the rice ball into his own mouth.

"Go on, Chopper," Nami encourages the reindeer, who's suddenly turned bashful. "You told me that you wanted everyone here, so let's make this quick. I don't want to leave the ship without a watch any longer than needed."

"O-Okay!" Chopper blurts, his resolve strengthening as he continues. "As your primary physician, it's my job to make sure you all stay healthy, but it's also my responsibility to honor our doctor-patient confidentiality. Whatever you tell me in confidence stays between you and me, and I won't share your personal information with anyone else without your express permission."

The other Straw Hats exchange glances and nods.

"In some cases, however, your - our - nakama might need to know certain things, for everyone's safety. Because-" Chopper stalls, acutely aware that Zoro's fingers are tapping impatiently on the leather seat. "Because-"

"Get on with it," the swordsman growls.

"Zoro, stop bullying him! What's the matter with you?" Nami demands, turning in her chair to glare at him.

"Not cool," Franky mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. "What's your hang-up, bro?"

Zoro looks away, refusing to meet their accusing gazes, and Chopper panics when Sanji and Usopp both start grumbling as well. "W-wait! Please!"

The doctor paces the floor, looking extremely uncomfortable. "I told Zoro that you all needed to hear this, because it might become an issue that affects everyone. He, ah, reluctantly agreed-"

He turns to look at the swordsman nervously, but the older pirate's eyes are closed. "He agreed that you needed to know."

The others are exchanging confused looks now and stealing glances at Zoro, who continues to ignore them, although his fingers are now gripping the seat so tightly that his knuckles are turning white.

"We all know that the Grandline's very unpredictable when it comes to weather and just about everything else. That's why it's very important that we treat every unknown animal and plant as though it's potentially dangerous, and that we don't eat-"

"Fucking hell, I knew it!" Sanji exclaims, pointing an accusing finger towards the bench. "You idiots ate some weird shit again, didn't you?"

"It wasn't weird shit," Luffy protests, "It was mystery food! Zoro always brings me mystery food when we stop at an island! He knows I like-"

The swordsman coughs, color rising on his face, and thumps Luffy on the head before he can go into too much detail. The captain whines and rubs at his fresh lump.

"I told you-" the cook fumes, slamming his hand down on the table. "-not to eat stuff that we can't identify! Now Chopper's going to tell us that this idiot here's poisoned himself and has only five days to live, or something just as fucking stupid."

Usopp frowns, confused. "Oi, if Luffy ate it too, why's Zoro the one who's dying?"

"Nobody's dying!" Chopper roars, startling everyone as he momentarily goes Heavy Point.

"I found it at the open market before we left," Zoro mutters without opening his eyes. "Didn't have enough money for another sword, so I figured I'd grab lunch instead."

He abruptly decides he's said enough; if they need to know, fine, but he isn't going to be the one who explains it. "Chopper, just tell them what's going on so I can get the hell out of here. I'm tired."

"Right, right, sorry," the doctor apologizes, rubbing his hooves together. "Anyway, Zoro suspected that a fruit he and Luffy ate might have something to do with his illness, and when he brought me a piece-"

"Fruit? Akuma no Mi?"

"No, you asshole. We wouldn't eat one of those things - Luffy knows what they look like."

"Let me finish!"

"Sorry…"

"Anyway, Zoro brought me what he thought was a fruit, but Franky identified it as a yagara egg."

The shipwright grimaces. "They sell those things as sea king repellant. Didn't the vendor tell you that when you bought them? It beats me why somebody would wanna eat one, anyway - when they go off, they stink so bad that I can't imagine how they taste fresh."

"Ah, that explains why they were so cheap," Zoro muses, drawing a glare from Sanji.

"You're giving their palates too much credit, Franky. I'm not sure either of them actually tastes much of anything they eat."

"Still, a bro's gotta have a cast-iron stomach-"

Completely unconcerned that he's once again eaten something inedible and frequently used by Water Seven residents as a pesticide, the captain is tugging angrily on Zoro's sleeve and scowling up at him. "I was saving that for later! Why'd you give it to Chopper?"

"Luffy, I found it under the goddamn pillow. It was covered with lint."

"Why the hell are you shitheads hiding food in your bed? Fish eggs, even? No wonder the men's quarters smelled so weird the other-"

"SHUT UP!" Nami and Usopp shout simultaneously.

"Oi, Mugiwara, are meetings always like this?" Franky calls over to the captain, who laughs.

"Pretty much!"

"I ran tests on the egg," Chopper continues firmly, "-and I discovered that the yolk's laced with hormones almost identical to those found in the human body. Which doesn't make any sense, because yagara aren't mammals, but then before Arabasta I didn't know that it was possible to combine inanimate objects with Akuma no Mi, so it's not entirely out of the question."

He pauses, seeing that Luffy and Usopp's eyes are glazed over.

"Chopper, where are you going with this?" Nami asks, slapping the sniper's skull to get his attention.

"Ow!"

"Ah, well, when certain hormone levels fluctuate, your body reacts in very specific ways. I don't understand exactly why stomach acid doesn't destroy those too when it breaks down the cells, but it looks like eating the eggs alters your hormone levels just as easily as if your body itself was producing the chemicals. Luffy doesn't seem to be affected at all, even though he technically absorbed more hormones, and I suspect his abilities have something to do with it. Zoro wasn't as lucky - he's suffering from a serious hormonal imbalance."

"So what?" Sanji asks. "Marimo's already loaded with more testosterone than ten normal guys. That's why he's so empty between the ears."

"Fuck off."

"Err, that's the problem," Chopper mutters, ignoring the squabble brewing between the cook and swordsman. "I'm talking about increased levels of prolactin, cortisol and estradiol and reduced levels of testosterone. I got the same results when I did blood and urine tests, and Zoro's symptoms make sense when you consider what's circulating in his blood stream."

He's greeted by blank stares from everyone except Robin, who stares back at him with eyes widened slightly in surprise, and the doctor realizes he should have known she'd be the only one to understand since she's been borrowing his medical texts for reading material.

"You think it's pseudocyesis?"

"Normally I'd say it resembles couvade syndrome, but when you consider the relationship dynamics on the ship, that's not possible, unless there's something else going on that nobody's told me. It's definitely some form of pseudocyesis. It's the only possible explanation, although I'm still trying to figure out what possible advantage something like this gives a fish and how it affects human bodies. It's not like I could find any case studies."

"Perhaps it assists in controlling the predator population?" Robin suggests thoughtfully. "The yagara have been domesticated now, of course, but it could have been beneficial to wild animals to prevent too many of their eggs from being consumed."

Chopper gives a hum of consideration for her theory and falls silent, considering. Sanji takes advantage of the lull in conversation to prepare drinks for the ladies, carefully wiping the bottle that's been sitting on ice before he pours the glasses.

Luffy nudges under Zoro's arm and curls up at his side, resting his head on the older pirate's lap, because even though he's doesn't have a clue what they're talking about, it's apparently not serious enough to warrant his attention. Whatever's going on, his swordsman can't possibly be that ill considering they're now discussing fish, which is making him hungry, and he drools on Zoro's thigh, hoping it's soon time for dinner.

"Oi," Usopp blurts, because apparently no one else wants to admit that they have no idea what the hell Chopper's just told them. Robin is brighter and more well-read. "So what's wrong with Zoro? Pseudo-psycho-whatever sounds pretty serious. Not that the brave Captain Usopp won't find a cure before it's too late!"

"The psyche may very well play a part in it," Robin muses, studying the swordsman and smiling when she sees that he's now glowering back at both her and the doctor. "Pseudocyesis is false pregnancy."

Usopp, who's swiped Nami's glass when Sanji wasn't looking, loses his stolen drink when it sprays out violently between his lips. The cook accidentally snaps the stem on the wine glass he's offering to Robin and fumbles frantically to avoid dumping the sloshing pieces into the historian's lap. "What the fuck? Zoro's pregnant?"

"FALSE, you idiot, she said FALSE!" Zoro bellows, jumping to his feet and dumping Luffy onto the floor. "Don't be fucking stupid!"

Nami mops wine off the tabletop with a napkin and wonders when Sanji's going to realize that his fingers are bleeding. "Well, it explains why he seems to be throwing up every time I see him."

"Nausea and sensitivity to certain odors are common," Chopper agrees. "It's also probably responsible for his headaches and difficulty sleeping, and there's quite a few other symptoms that wouldn't surprise me very much either: diarrhea, weight gain-"

"Hrrrm, that one makes complete sense. Marimos should be round."

Intent on causing Sanji bodily harm, Zoro's taken completely by surprise when he's suddenly flattened against the bench seat by a flailing body. Luffy's eyes are enormous as he stares incredulously into the swordsman's face, his arms and legs stretching where they're wrapped several times around the older pirate's torso. He wiggles excitedly. "Zoro, did we make a baby?"

"Wha- NO! Get off me!"

"Luffy, pseudocyesis is psychosomatic. He isn't really pregnant, his body just thinks he is."

"Thanks a lot, Chopper," Zoro grunts, struggling to fend off the captain's hands, which are now patting curiously at his stomach because Luffy's either completely missed or tuned out the doctor's explanation. "You're doing a great job of making me sound like a fucking lunatic."

"That'd be so cool," Usopp breathes, nudging Franky's arm. "-having the world's greatest swordsman and the pirate king as parents?"

"Yeah, any kid of ours is guaranteed to be awesome," Luffy declares gleefully. "Right, Zoro?"

"Stop encouraging him, moron! And you, get your goddamn hands out of there!"

Nami swats the sniper upside the head. "Those two cause enough trouble already without adding to it!"

"What a nightmarish thought," Sanji mutters, wrapping a kitchen towel around his bleeding hand and retrieving a fresh glass for Robin. He's relieved when Zoro succeeds in extricating Luffy's hands from under his haramaki and hurriedly stuffs his shirt back into his pants. "I can only imagine the state of my pantry if their offspring inherited that rubber bastard's appetite."

"Oi, can you imagine how much Luffy would eat if he got pregnant?"

"We'd starve."

"We might starve anyway if he doesn't stop hanging around the goddamn kitchen."

"It's obviously medically impossible," Robin says slowly, watching as the captain tries to press an ear against Zoro's abdomen and yelps as he's punched in the head. "-but I think Luffy and Kenshi-san would have absolutely adorable children."

"Not you too," Nami groans. "I can't imagine Luffy with kids - he's too much of one himself."

Usopp grins and pokes Franky again, asking the shipwright if they've got building supplies onboard for designing a crib, and Sanji snorts and tells Nami that she'll need to fork out beli for formula, because it's obvious that Marimo's incapable of lactation. The navigator tells him to shove off, but she's snickering under her breath, and even Robin starts giggling behind the hand over her mouth. Zoro glares at them all, bristling menacingly.

"This is exactly why I thought telling them was a shitty idea," the swordsman grumbles at Chopper, face flushed with embarrassment. "I told you they'd laugh their asses off, but nooo, you said, they'll take it seriously because it's a medical condition, you said."

His stomach, rolling over suddenly with a sensation that makes him feel like diving for the nearest wastebasket, utters a horribly loud gurgling noise, and Luffy squeals, looking just as excited as when Iceburg unveiled their new ship. Zoro glares at him and hiccups.

"Oi, pregnant or not, if you barf all over my nice clean floor," Sanji warns, lifting a leg and bouncing his toe tip threateningly against the bench next to the swordsman's leg before leaning in to jab Zoro in the chest hard enough to make him wince. "-I'm gonna kick your-"

No one is prepared when Luffy's fist slams the cook into the dining table hard enough to split wood, sending Nami and Robin's empty glasses flying and Usopp spilling out of his chair into the historian's lap.

"Luffy!"

"Sanji, are you okay?"

"Oi, what's the deal, Mugiwara?"

Usopp struggles to his feet, offering an distracted apology to Robin because his eyes are locked on the captain. Luffy is crouched at Zoro's feet, one arm spread protectively in front of the startled swordsman, and when he lifts his head enough for them to see past the hat brim shadow covering his eyes, his pupils are constricted into pin points.

"O-Oi," the sniper stammers nervously. He's seen that look before, aimed at him, and he returned to the ship thinking he never wants to see it directed at a crew mate again.

"Ow," Sanji groans from the floor, reaching around to massage his lower spine. "What the hell, Luffy?"

"Don't," their captain growls, putting such force behind the words that the cook flinches back, cracking his head against the damaged table. "-touch Zoro!"

There's a moment of stunned silence. Luffy readjusts his clenched knuckles, producing popping sounds that seem deafening to his shocked crew, and waits, nostrils flared and teeth clenched. Sanji's face darkens and he tenses, ready to spring to his feet. He's not entirely sure what the hell's gotten into Luffy's head, but if the other pirate actually wades in, he's not going to hold back.

"You idiot," Zoro mutters wearily, rubbing a hand over his eyes. He grabs the captain's outstretched arm and lurches to his feet, dragging Luffy with him as he stalks into the infirmary. "Gimmie a second. I'll try to talk some sense into him."

The door slams shut behind them, cutting off the captain's protests that he's going to kick the cook's ass for jeopardizing his kid's safety. Nami and Usopp stare at each other speechlessly, and Chopper is shaking his head in exasperation, but Robin can't help smiling at Luffy's sudden over-protectiveness.

Sanji, now sitting cross-legged on the floor, digs outs a cigarette and searches for his lighter, grumbling irritably when he remembers Chopper confiscated it earlier, stating that he didn't want Zoro bolting out of the meeting earlier because the smoke was making him ill. "Shit."

"Does stuff like that, eh, happen often?" Franky gestures to the table's splintered edge, wondering nervously if he should have stocked the ship with more raw materials for repairs.

Nami sighs, giving him a weak smile. "These guys tend to be a little hard on everything."

"Does Luffy really not know basic biology?" Chopper asks Robin, looking extremely worried, because there's angry shouting now escaping the closed door.

"I think Marimo's enlightening him."

"Sencho-san was obviously aware where pregnancy leads. Maybe he just doesn't understand because his own body's so different from everyone else's," Robin offers, reaching down to lift the anxious doctor onto the empty chair beside her. "Akuma no Mi allows us to do a lot of things that normal people consider impossible, so it's probably very difficult for him to believe you when you tell him it's out of the question."

She smoothes Chopper's fur, smiling when he giggles. "Although I don't think Kenshi-san was expecting such a strong reaction, or he would have insisted on telling him privately."

There's a loud crack, followed by the sound of objects falling and muffled cursing, and Franky twitches visibly. "Ah-"

The door bangs open as Zoro bursts out of the room and storms past them. There's blood dripping from his nose and mouth, and he exits the dining hall without speaking, despite Chopper's frenzied insistence that he needs medical treatment.

When the swordsman's gone, Luffy slinks out, and Nami's demand that he explain himself dies unspoken in her throat when she sees the forlorn expression slowly overtaking the anger on the captain's face. She slumps back in her seat with a sigh. "Honestly…"

Luffy glances around the room, seeming to find himself at a loss for words, and then he surprises them all by rushing over and forcing himself into Sanji's lap, clinging to the cook's jacket lapels as he buries his face against the other man's neck.

"O-Oi," Sanji stammers, his hands fluttering helplessly for a moment before he finally settles them cautiously against the whimpering pirate's back. He can't remember Luffy ever seeking him out for comfort before; on the rare occasions that their captain needs a touch stone to ground himself, he always goes to Roronoa. While the cook doesn't particularly want to admit that he only qualifies as Luffy's second choice, he feels a flash of anger at Zoro for making him turn to someone else.

He pats the captain's back awkwardly, turning his head to glare at Chopper. "Exactly why did you guys feel it necessary to spring this shit on us? Why didn't you just let us keep thinking that jerk had a cold or the flu or something 'til he got over this?"

"I didn't think anyone would react this badly," the doctor mumbles miserably. "And I don't know how long it's going to take for Zoro's body to process the imbalance. He's really worried that it's going to affect his ability to fight, if we're attacked by the Marines or another pirate ship."

Usopp snorts. "Easy. When he thinks he's gonna barf, we just aim him at the enemy side."

"I'm serious! If he's too physically and mentally exhausted to fight, it's going to make things more difficult for the rest of us. You know he and Luffy always take on some of our most powerful opponents, and we can't know what will happen if we run into any serious battles without everyone in top form."

The doctor wrings his hooves, distress clear on his face. "He was right - I didn't think this through well enough! He doesn't need everyone laughing at him right now. It's just putting more strain on his body."

"Luffy," Robin says gently, "Maybe you should go talk to Kenshi-san."

"Don't wanna," the captain mutters, face still pressed tightly against Sanji's chest. "I'll just hit Zoro again."

The navigator smiles, sprouting a hand from the cook's shoulder that tips Luffy's hat back off his head so it can ruffle his hair. "I seriously doubt that."

He turns a tear-streaked face towards her, snot dripping from his nose, and Sanji cringes inwardly as he glances down at the wet smears on his jacket but doesn't say anything. His restraint earns him smiles from both Nami and Robin, and he decides that a few smeared boogers are well worth earning their praise.

"I'm heading up to the crow's nest," Nami announces as she slides out of her chair. "The log pose is still on course, but we've left the watch unattended for too long."

The navigator nudges Luffy's rump gently with her foot. "Robin's right - go find him. If he's having issues that might endanger the rest of us, we can't afford to have you guys arguing."

xxx

Luffy guesses that there's twenty different places where Zoro might be brooding, and it's likely that Nami might find the swordsman first when she reaches the crow's nest but the captain heads straight for the men's quarters, relying on the unexplained instinct that seems to guide him to the older pirate's side. He sometimes thinks there's an invisible string connecting them but the one time he tried to explain it out loud, he couldn't find the right words and Zoro turned red and hit him, grumbling that he didn't believe in fate.

But sure enough, he finds him stretched out on the nearest sofa and, ignoring the murderous scowl that's directed at him, scrambles to join him. The swordsman huffs and turns away, so Luffy tucks himself against his back. The cushions aren't very wide and Zoro takes up a lot of space, so he's forced to cling tightly to keep from falling.

"Sanji kicked me out of the kitchen, and Robin and Nami said I should apologize," he explains, voice muffled because he's smashing his face against the swordsman's shoulder. There's a pause before he continues, a note of sulkiness entering his voice. "But I'm not sorry I punched Zoro for saying we'd make bad parents."

"You never told me you wanted a kid," Zoro mutters gruffly, glaring straight ahead and refusing to turn over at his captain's insistent tugging at his shoulder.

"I just decided."

It's such a typical Luffy answer that the swordsman can't help snorting even though he's still angry. He tenses as warm hands wrestle his haramaki aside and slide under his shirt, fingertips tracing the rough ridge across his chest. He doesn't know why, but the younger pirate sometimes seems obsessed with touching the scar, and while Zoro knows that Mihawk's blow might have killed him, Luffy's concern always confuses him because it's normally not like the captain to concentrate too heavily on the past.

"Don't-"

"I won't," Luffy grumbles good-naturedly in his ear. "Just wanna touch."

He expects another protest, but Zoro falls silent, so he resumes exploring the chest and belly beneath his hands. His touch confirms what he suspected earlier in the evening when he kept getting hit for being too touchy-feely; the swordsman feels different, like there's an extra squishy layer covering his muscles.

Zoro's doing a pretty good job of feigning absolute disinterest until one wandering hand encounters a nipple, and he nearly dumps them both off the sofa, thrashing and yelling at Luffy to stop.

"I wasn't pinching!" The captain protests, resisting the swordsman's attempts to shove him away by wrapping his legs around his hips. "Wow, Zoro's really sensitive..."

This statement results in a flurry of fists and this time they do fall on the floor.

"I'm not a goddamn-!" Zoro breaks off, grunting as his stomach cramps unexpectedly. He props himself up on his elbows, gagging and coughing, and Luffy scurries out of the way, watching cautiously until he's sure that the swordsman's not going to throw up on him.

When he can finally breathe again, the older pirate slumps facedown on the floor. "-this really sucks."

"I wiped my nose on Sanji's jacket," Luffy offers helpfully, because he's well aware that the swordsman's always amused by anything that makes the cook look foolish. "He didn't hit me, but he looked kinda like he did yesterday when Zoro barfed on his feet again."

Sighing, Zoro rolls over so he can stare up at Luffy, but he doesn't bother trying to sit up. "Bet ero-cook loved you doing that in front of the women."

The captain, quickly deciding that the floor's just as good as the sofa, sprawls across him without waiting for an invitation. He starts to lay his head on Zoro's chest and stops when the swordsman fends him off, frowning at his wince. "Did Sanji really kick that hard?"

"..."

Chopper's list of symptoms included something about tender breasts, but there's no way he's going to try explaining to Luffy why his pectoral muscles ache like someone took an enthusiastic sledgehammer to them. This is still not as disquieting, however, as the fact that he's been avoiding walking around bare-chested as usual because he's afraid that his crew mates will keep asking him if he's cold.

If it was just the vomiting and the headaches and shitty sleeping, he might have still considered this whole thing as a big joke regardless of Chopper's allegations, but he's never heard of the flu giving somebody constantly hard, achy nipples.

Unfortunately for the swordsman, Luffy's struck by one of those moments of clarify that make him so aggravating. His eyes narrow suspiciously as he pats lightly at the swordsman's torso. "Zoro isn't growing boobs like Nami and-"

"God, no," Zoro chokes. "I think I'd kill myself first."

"Good, cause Zoro would look weird with boobs." Luffy states matter-of-factly, resting his chin on the swordsman's bicep. He's seen enough during their travels to know that pregnant women get really huge everywhere, and he thinks Zoro would have a tough time swinging a sword with those bouncy things in the way. Besides, he doesn't particularly like the idea of Sanji adding a marimo mellorine to his collection.

So, no boobs, although as he cuddles closer and looks down at his hand where it's resting on the swordsman's abdomen, he finds he's slightly intrigued with the other part. He wrinkles his brow, trying to imagine what Zoro would look like with a really big-

"Oi, Luffy, quit poking me."

"But I didn't- oh." He wriggles against the swordsman's hip, grinning at Zoro's exasperated expression.

"I'm sure I'm better off not knowing whatever the hell you're thinking."