As Rose cries at a funeral , she reflects upon her past , recalling the events that had led to this man's death . But , after all is said and done , will she ever be able to forgive herself ?

Disclaimer : I do not Vampire Academy .

Magic . Royalty . Faith .

These were the words that adorned his tombstone . It was the standard burial that would have been given to any royal Moroi , but he was a little more special . Being the late queen's nephew , he had been shown the respect that only the most elite were shown . He had had a procession of his own , followed by his body being taken to the Court cemetery where all the late members of his family , the Ivashkovs , had found their final resting place .

There were many people present there that afternoon . Those who had known him during his short lifetime . His friends , family and many others . They were all standing there around his grave while the Court Priest read out the verses .

That was where I was standing , oblivious to everything that was happening around me . All I could think of was what had led him to his early grave . I was remotely aware of the strong arms that were embracing me , in a failed attempt to comfort me . I tried to push him away but I was too weak to even make him budge . My brain had been numbed to such an extent that I could feel my knees growing weak .

Everyone had told me , time and again , not to blame myself for what had happened to him , but how was that even possible ? How could I not wonder whether he would still be alive today , had I done some things differently ?

It had all started after Adrian had confronted me about Dimitri , and our relationship. I had known all along that Adrian had been correct in what he was saying and I had been down right hard on him , but I had not controlled my tongue at that time . If I were to be given a chance to go back in time , I am sure I would have ended things differently between us . But my heart cried when my mind told me that I could never do that .

Adrian had drowned himself in alcohol and his clove cigarettes ever since that conversation . I had rarely had an opportunity to meet him , and whenever we had , Adrian had refused to even make eye contact with me . Oh , how I missed those eyes now , those eyes of an electrifying green hue . If only I could see them one more time, shining , as he gave me his lazy grin , while calling me his Little dhampir .

I finally let my tears flow as I reminisced these memories . Dimitri's grip around me tightened and I let my sorrow overwhelm me once again . It was too much for me to take , I didn't know how long I could go on . So , left without a choice , I stood there in the Sun , leaning into the man next to me , because by this point this was the only thing that kept me standing upright .

I guess you never knew the value of something unless it was gone . And Adrian was definitely gone . Not only gone from my life , but also from the world . I had never realised how important he had been to me , and when I finally did , it was already too late .

I had never meant to hurt him . I had wanted to remain friends , but I had decided to give him the space he deserved after I broke his heart . Once he had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me , I had respected his decisions and left him alone . This was not very difficult considering the fact that Adrian did a very good job at avoiding me .

I had expected Adrian to indulge in his vices after that evening , but I had never expected him to do something like this .

It had been a few weeks since our break – up and I was on duty that night . Lissa had been chattering and I was listening to her half – heartedly . I remember feeling very fidgety that night , as if I knew something would happen , something big enough to change our lives forever .

Lissa had got up to make herself a drink after I refused to drink . And that was when the phone had rung . The phone call , which would strike us with the intensity far worse than that of a cobra's while it injects its venom into the body of its prey .

I was barely in a state to register the identity of the caller , because what he said had shocked me . Adrian had met with an accident on a road near the Court and was fatally injured . I remember the phone falling from my hand , as I ran as if my life depended on it , and it probably did .

There had always been two men in my life and Adrian was one of them . It was true that I did not love Adrian as much as I loved Dimitri , but that didn't mean that I didn't love him at all . He had always meant a lot to me , and I couldn't help but miss his continuous flirting and his uninvited appearances in my dreams . These were memories of a happier time , one which I had failed to acknowledge . I certainly regretted it now .

But as Lissa and I made it to where Adrian was , Adrian had already passed away . Lissa tried her best to heal him , maybe even bring him back , but to no avail . He lay there motionless , his face conveying the message that he was finally at peace . One look at his morbid body and I had lost myself . I had bent over him , trying to wake him up desperately . I was crying my heart out but it was falling upon deaf ears .

Behind me , I was remotely aware of a pair of hands trying to pull me up , but I was stronger and refused to let Adrian go . Maybe if I kept him close , his eyes would flutter open and would meet my gaze .

After what felt like hours , I finally calmed down enough to let Lissa help me sit down . Now when I come to think of it , maybe she had been compelling me . But at that time , I had not been in the state of mind to retaliate . I could hear Lissa consoling me , while trying to tell me that everything would be alright , but I knew better , nothing would ever be the same again .

In the days that followed , I had completely broken down . I had never been this weak , this vulnerable in my whole life and I hated this feeling , but I couldn't help it . My body and mind were no longer in my control . Dimitri and Lissa had helped me through it all . She had also tried to explain that Adrian had been highly intoxicated while he was driving , which is why he had invited his untimely Death . But I knew why he was out drinking so heavily that night …. But there was one thing I couldn't puzzle out … Why was I the one to be so deeply affected by his demise ?

Maybe it was because I had loved him once . Or maybe because the last time I had had a conversation with him was the time when I had broken his heart . But standing there , at his funeral , I realised that the reason I had been affected so deeply , was that I held myself responsible for his fate .

What would have happened if I had not given into Dimitri in the hotel while we were on the run ? What if I had not been so harsh on Adrian while he confronted me ? I had definitely tried to tone it down , but it had not come out right . All these questions were reeling around in my mind , numbing it further . I finally felt my knees give way and felt the hard ground underneath me . I could vaguely hear the shuffling of feet behind me , but I couldn't care less . Even Dimitri had not been able to hold me up . I had wanted to fall , I didn't have the energy nor the motivation to stand up anymore . I knew it then , that Adrian's death had been my fault , solely my fault . If I had done things differently , he would still be breathing today .

As I knelt down , wailing like never before , I felt guilt and desperation raise their ugly heads . It felt like my heart had been ripped into two and I suddenly found it difficult to draw air into my lungs . I couldn't do this anymore . I had already murdered Victor Dashkov . And even though I had been able to forgive myself for that , I couldn't live with Adrian's blood on my hands too . This was too much for me to bear .

The old Rose had been very strong and persistent . She was the one who had forgiven herself for taking Victor's life , but she did not exist anymore . Adrian's demise had given birth to a new me , a new Rose who was no longer as carefree as she used to be before . The new Rose knows the cost of one life , whether it be a moroi , dhampir or even strigoi . But above all , the new Rose has been scarred . A scar , which she will have to cope with for the remainder of her life . It was the scar caused because of losing someone who had been close to her heart . It was the scar caused because of losing a dear friend .

As I sat there , racking through my memories , I heard the Priest say in the distance ..

" ….. May his soul rest in peace ."

These short words were enough for my guilt to overwhelm me once more as I pressed closer to Dimitri's chest .

This was all my fault . Adrian's only mistake had been to fall in love with me . He should never have given his heart to someone like me . I had taken his heart and stomped all over it. Why had I been so cruel to him ? Had I really used him ? I certainly had . But the question which struck me the most was ….. How could I ever even think of forgiving myself ?

I could feel my head throbbing . I could feel my body growing weaker as the grief and pain began consuming me . Then finally , after what felt like an eternity , I welcomed the darkness that clouded my vision .

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Please don't forget to read my other story , Losing Rose .

I hope you like that story too .

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