How to make a stupid blonde love cook fall in love with you

First, get his attention. For Zoro, the only way he knows how is…

"Nami-san!~ Robin-chwan!~"

"Ditzy."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"The truth."

A foot to his face, narrowly missed. Now comes one of Zoro's favourite times of the day (other than battling Marines or sleeping). He gets to his feet, avoiding another kick and they launch into one of their usual fights, only to be stopped by an irate Nami who refuses to pay for any more damage to the ship.

Sanji shoots him a dirty glare and Zoro feels a strange sense of accomplishment, his stomach doing a funny dance.

But once a day isn't enough, so…

"Ah, mademoiselle, I've never met such a beautiful flower like – "

"Idiot."

Sanji's face looms right at his, and he ignores it as usual. "What did you say, asshole?"

"I didn't." He pauses for emphasis. "Your catch is going away." Both of you stare at the figure disappearing into the distance.

Sanji swears loudly and he attacks Zoro with an enraged vigour. This time, Nami lets them because they're on land, and the only things getting damaged are the trees (and she's also noticed Zoro's content little smirk every time they're done fighting, not that she wonders why.)

(((())))

Next, make him feel good about himself, subtly, and hopefully get the gesture repaid.

Zoro is on deck, training a day after their battle at a Marine base. Chopper's probably going to get mad with him for removing his bandages so soon, but they're just too troublesome to keep on.

He smells the familiar scent that is the cook, and he contemplates asking him and his cigarettes to leave just for the fun of it, but he remembers his objective.

"You did a – 560 – good ass-kicking – 559 – yesterday." Zoro remarks casually as he lifts his weights.

An eye regards him suspiciously, but eventually seems to believe the compliment. "You weren't too bad yourself."

Zoro decides to give it another shot.

"And lunch was – 548 – tolerable." Zoro says.

Sanji scowls. "It's the best food you'll ever eat, shithead." He stalks off, cigarette dangling out of his mouth, and long legs striding along the deck.

That didn't go quite as well as Zoro hoped it would. He should have known the cook would be too dumb to read between the lines. He was blond, after all. Zoro frowns.

"You're not the best cook yet, love cook." Zoro calls out, even pausing his training, making sure Sanji hears the most important part. His heartbeat quickens, wondering if his plan has failed, but Sanji turns his head and meets his eyes.

"And you're not the best swordsman yet, so keep training and shut your mouth, marimo." The blonde head turns back quickly, but Zoro sees the small smile.

Okay, on to the next phase.

(((())))

Then, make your move. Note, this step may take more consideration than your patience spans, but it's the most crucial step.

Zoro isn't sure what he likes so much about Sanji, because they're completely different in most ways, unless he counted their inhuman fighting skills and loyalty to Luffy. But he does like him anyway, and he wants Sanji to know.

Anyway, he's pretty sure Sanji will reciprocate, because he's always been the best at noticing things others don't. And no, that doesn't make him the slightest bit happy.

The problem is, he has no idea how to romanticize a guy. He doesn't have the remotest idea what Sanji will like when being wooed. He decides, after watching Sanji's countless (and useless) attempts at flirting, that he'll take the female role, while Zoro plays the man.

With that established (in his mind, anyway), he gets a bouquet of assorted flowers on the next island, then sneaks into the galley and places it on the kitchen counter.

He watches, with satisfaction, when they go to dinner and the flowers are in a vase. He notices Sanji surveying all his nakama's faces carefully, trying to get a hint.

His gaze first rests on Nami's face, as expected, but he gets a solid punch to the face when Nami thinks he's staring at her cleavage (which he probably did). He hurriedly skips the three idiots' faces, and comes to Robin. Zoro sees the skepticism, and with a skip of his heartbeat the blue eye finally comes to him.

With a considerable amount of shamelessness and confidence, Zoro meets his questioning stare directly. They look at each other for a few moments, before Zoro gives a suggestive smirk. Sanji's eye widens in shock, and for the whole dinner the cook avoids any more eye contact.

Zoro sighs inwardly. Maybe he was a bit too blunt, but that was the only thing he was good at besides fighting with swords. Now he'll just have to leave it up to the cook.

Falling for him probably wasn't the best idea Zoro had.

(((())))

If the previous step is done successfully, wait for a response. If positive, rejoice in your mind and take further action. If not, train until the feeling goes away.

"Zoro."

"Huh?"

"Galley, now."

Zoro gets up and follows him, leaving his swords half polished. All he can see is the back of the cook, and with every step he takes his heart beats a little more furiously.

They reach the galley and Sanji shuts the door after Zoro, still not meeting his eyes. Is that a good sign?

"What the hell are these?" Sanji gestures to the vase of flowers. Zoro is pleased to see they are well taken care of even after a few days.

"Nice flowers." Zoro replies gruffly.

"You sent them." Sanji says accusingly.

"What?" Zoro musters up a look of surprise, and he can see the fear in Sanji's eyes. A fear he knows too well, because he's feeling it right now.

He goes closer, their eyes locked.

"Y-you didn't?" Sanji stutters, and a faint pink hues his cheek.

"Would you want me to?" Zoro asks seriously, and Sanji is lost for words.

"Damn you." Sanji whispers, the pink darkening to a red.

"Same to you." Zoro growls softly, and he (finally!) gathers the cook in his arms and presses a firm kiss to Sanji's mouth. His mind goes delirious with bliss when he feels the lips kissing back.

Objective achieved.

(((())))

The next step doesn't need words, just action.

It's been a week since they've gotten together. Everything is still normal, and they still fight as much as ever, but a lot of times during their fights…

"I'm tired of fighting." Sanji hisses under his breath. "I'm willing to expend my energy doing something else though." He's close enough to Zoro, and he tugs the swordsman's haramaki.

"Done, and done." Zoro mutters back.

And the next step commences.

(((())))

Lastly, let him know you love him.

They are sitting in the galley after a meal, and they're the only two left there.

"Oi, cook."

An eyebrow arches, irritation in his eye. "Yes?"

"I wouldn't mind eating your food for the rest of my life."

A flicker of something else in the blue eye, and a wide smirk."You better mean that, marimo, 'cause I'll definitely be here."

And life is perfect.

Oh god, mind my fluffiness, but I love writing it. 33 Anyway, all this takes place in Zoro's sub-conscious. I'll probably write a Sanji version next, thus supplementing Zoro thinking about the "hints" Sanji gave.

Comments always loved! Hope you enjoyed my nonsense. :D