Disclaimer: Blah blah, not mine, blah blabbity blah.

I know should be writing on my other fics, but I needed some humor for the day. =D

Enjoy!

-o-o-

The portkeys never worked properly. It was a bit terrifying, really, to not be able to control your body as it was flipped across the country and to not know where you were going to land. Sometimes he was dropped into a Diagon Alley shop or the muggle side of London; there was that time he ended up in a tree; also that time inside a silo when he nearly suffocated on the grain pellets, or in the ocean, nearly frozen and drowned by the waves; once even, the portkey ending location was, in fact, 20,000 feet in the sky. No experiences up-to-point quite matched falling to his death.

Thank Merlin he was an adept wizard.

This time, though, they were at least dropped into the Ministry.

Albeit into the giant fountain/goldfish pond that adorned the central entrance, but the Ministry nonetheless.

Splashing to the edge of the fountain, Scorpius Malfoy tried to grip the slippery tile as he coughed and hacked out the algae-tasting water. Thankfully, it was late into the evening, so no one was around to witness his spectacular fall. He heaved himself over the edge of the fountain, collapsing in a wet, exhausted heap on the other side.

Contrary to the belief of his captain, this was not his favorite way to end a stressful day of chasing dark wizards.

Said captain appeared beside him then, rolling over the edge of the fountain with just as much coughing. Scorpius glared at the older man with all his might as he huffed to catch his breath. "Fix the damn portkeys already!"

Harry Potter chuckled at his assistant, for Scorpius, with soaked clothes and long wet hair clinging and dripping everywhere, looked adorably similar to a wet, hissing kitten. "It's not as much fun that way."

Before Scorpius could growl anything else at his captain, the man's face alit in shock and he sloshed to his feet so he could wriggle about and shake his clothes. Scorpius wrinkled his nose in disgust. "What are you doing?"

"There's something in my robes!" Harry gasped. He danced exceptionally well for a man his age. Turning to his assistant, he squealed, "Get it out! Get it out! It's slimy!"

With an excessive sigh, Scorpius did his best to stand without slipping. He seized the childish captain by the arm with one hand to stop the man from squirming and reached into the wet robes with the other, feeling about for the offending "slimy" thing.

"No, no, it's lower!" Harry whined, shifting back and forth on his feet.

"Stop fidgeting before I grab something neither of us wants me touching!" Scorpius snapped, face heating up in embarrassment.

Finally, his fingers closed around something flopping back and forth and he pulled. Once it was free, Scorpius held the medium-sized goldfish up between them, giving his captain as flat a look as he could manage.

"Oh, well, so that's what it was," Harry said, coughing behind his hand. Ignoring the look his assistant was giving him, he drew out his wand and used a drying spell on himself. Clearing his throat, he turned back to Scorpius still holding the fish and said firmly, "Despite having gotten to third base with me, you must understand that I am a happily married man."

-o-o-

Vice Captain Ronald Weasley was still sitting grumpily at his desk finishing paperwork when he heard the squeak, squeak, squeak of approaching wet shoes, soon followed by the desperate voice of his captain and best friend.

"Aww, come on!" Harry was saying, "I already said that I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to the goldfish!"

Ron leaned back in the chair to watch the show just as a wet, angry Scorpius squished his way into the Auror Headquarters, making straight for his own desk just outside the captain's office with Harry at his heels. The young Auror was trying to scowl threateningly, but he only looked like a soaked, pouting puppy while he gathered up his things, making Ron chuckle quietly.

"Pumpkin pie, don't be angry," Harry attempted to soothe, the laughter in his voice ruining the effect, "It'll make your pretty hair fall off your pretty head!"

Scorpius whirled around, grinding his teeth together as he glowered – really, like a puppy; the kid was the least intimidating person Ron had ever seen – but instead of snarling a insult at Harry, he just sidestepped the captain and stomped – squish, squeak, squish, squeak – over to the apparition zone and spun with a crack!, disappearing in an instant.

Harry sighed and walked over to Ron's desk, dropping into the chair across from it. He pretended to be sad for only a moment before looking at Ron and they both cracked up in snorts of laughter.

"You really oughta stop picking on him, Harry," Ron chuckled. "You're going to lose us the one good new Auror we got this year."

Harry grinned. "Did you see him, though? All ruffled like a bird? He's so cute when he's mad."

Ron barked out a laugh and nodded. Then, indicating the giant red blotch on Harry's cheek, "Looks painful."

"Ah, yeah." Harry tenderly touched the sore spot, not meeting Ron's eyes as he lied, "Run in with those dark wizards."

"He slapped you, didn't he?"

"…with a fish, yes."