For Kicks and Giggles

By: Bring Your Own Kites

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah. I don't own L4D

Ownership: But I do own the character "Asher"

Chapter One: LITTLE BLACK BOOK

"There's never anything good to read in these damn safe rooms," Francis complains as he rummages through the drawers in the room.

"That's not all that true…" Zoey says as she reads the graffiti of the probably dead survivors on the walls. One immediately sparks her interest and she decides to share her finding with her group. "Hey, this is a new one…" She points at the wall. No one pays much mind to her so she reads it to herself.

Hello fellow survivors. If you're reading this I'm already gone. Not dead, just gone from this hell hole of a safe room. Seriously, who decorated this thing? I mean just slap us across the face with a "You're gonna die!" sign. And who decided it was cool to write on the walls? Now it's just a mess of words. Anyway. You see that wooden chair with the red cushion? Pull up the cushion and there should be a surprise. When you're done reading please put a line below this.

Zoey looks over at Louis who is sitting on the mentioned chair. Louis doesn't realize that Zoey is staring at him and he continues to complain about how they really need to shower.

She walks over to him and shoves him off of the seat.

"The hell, Zoey!" Louis yells.

The cushion falls off with him and underneath is an black marble notebook. The other survivors lean over her shoulder wondering what the book is.

"A book?" Francis asks.

"Yeah, a book, Francis," Bill snaps.

Zoey takes the book into hand. She reads the message on the front cover out loud. "Asher's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse…"

"Who the hell is Asher?" Francis asks.

"Probably the person that wrote this book," Zoey shrugs.

"Who finds time to write a book during the zombie apocalypse?" Louis laughs.

"Well, don't just stare at it," Bill says, "Open the darn thing."

Zoey opens the book. In it is more of the Asher person's neat handwriting. Zoey begins to read it out loud.

List 1: The Pros and Cons of the Zombie Apocalypse

Pro

Louis: How can there be pros in a zombie apocalypse?

Zoey: [Glares at Louis] Shut up, Louis.

1. Killing isn't illegal. Hear that sociopaths and psychopaths? You can now inflict pain on people without any consequences. Well… I'm not sure if zombies can feel pain… But just know it's encouraged that you unleash your inner killer on the undead. But be careful not to do it to someone that's alive. That could be a problem. We need the others for mating purposes… I mean…uh…that's just wrong.

Francis: I'm gonna have to be that guy, but did anyone else notice that bloody fingerprint?

Bill: Sure did.

Zoey: Be quiet, guys.

2. Free Food. Well it's free as long as you feel like fighting for it. It'll be an all you can eat buffet. Just be careful for Woody Harrelson. If he sees you with a twinkie he will assault you and then claim he thought you were a zombie. Not only that he will take that twinkie from you leaving you not only scarred for life, but wondering what the fuck is Woody Harrelson doing here? God forbid you find another survivor that's going in the same grocery store as you though… I guess that could be considered a "con" too.

Francis: Who's Woody Harrelson?

Zoey: He's some actor guy.

Francis: I hate actors.

Bill: You hate everybody.

3. You now have an excuse for not taking a shower. Example:
Guy: Dude, I haven't bathed in a week.
Girl: That's gross!
Guy: Yeah, well I don't exactly have time to stop and smell the flowers, sweet heart. I'm trying to survive the fucking zombie apocalypse, here!
Girl: Oh… Since you put it that way…

Louis: Speaking of showers…

Bill: Be quiet.

4. You don't need a license to drive. Don't worry if you're hitting everything in your path. Actually, it's recommended that you hit as many zombies as you can on your way to your destination. But just be careful for those Tanks. Crashing into one of them usually results in death. I've seen it happen. Imagine someone taking a tennis racket and whacking a poor innocent butterfly. And for those of you who don't like little baby references… Imagine a body builder snapping you in half. Gruesome? Yeah.

Zoey: We need to invest in a car.

Bill: Noisy as hell. We might as well light a flare to tell all the infected where we are.

Louis: [Nods head in agreement] Touché.

5. You can now go on endless shopping sprees! This is especially good for those of you who are shopaholics. And the best thing about it is you don't have to spend any money. You can get that killer dress that daddy dearest wouldn't get you because it was too skanky. Just be careful when you're in the mall though. There tend to be an abundant number of psychopaths in those areas for some reason.

Zoey: The guy's got a point. Why haven't we changed our clothes in weeks?

Francis: Too many zombies.

6. You don't have worry about School/Work. Instead you spend 24 hours looking over your back, bustin' through doors, and killing zombies. Not as bad as it sounds though. Now you don't ever have to say "Ugh… I have to go bed I have work in the morning…". Chances are you'll have to stay up all night, assuming you are alone in the zombie apocalypse. And for you college students toss those 30 page term papers at some zombies!

Zoey: Now this is a real pro!

7. Making bombs is perfectly acceptable. Well…assuming you aren't trying to wipe out humanity. But pipe bombs and Molotov cocktails are pretty useful when trying to escape the undead. Especially for those damn Tanks. So all you kids who wanted to blow shit up, now is your chance. Just don't fuck it up!

Louis: Now that I think about it… Who makes all those pipe bombs and leaves them scattered about anyway?

Zoey: [Sarcastically] Well, Louis. There's a magical pipe bomb fairy named Valve that goes around leaving pipe bombs in it's path.

8. How was your day today? 'Least now when your parents ask you what you did today you don't have to respond with the most common answer of "nothing". In fact, you probably raided a gun store, took out some Hunters, and maybe even a Tank- All by yourself!

Francis: We did that yesterday.

9. You now believe anything is possible. If zombies are roaming the earth, then Bigfoot probably is too. …A zombie Bigfoot that is…

Louis: This guy has got a pretty good imagination.

Bill: I wouldn't doubt it though…

Zoey: Yeah, after the things we've seen…

10. REJOICE! The people you hate are probably all dead.

Zoey & Francis: [In unison] Thank god.

Cons

1. Food. Chances are that you will run into other survivors in some kind of grocery store. I bet you're thinking, "Oh shut up, dude! It's not that bad!" No. It is that bad. Even though there's a whole grocery store the other survivors feel there will not be enough food for them- even of there are only two of them. Let me just remind you this is a grocery store- like King Kullen or Whole Foods huge. You have 30 aisles of food and you can't even spare one can of fucking Spaghetti-O's! You selfish mother fuckers!

Zoey: [Eye twitches] You guys remember that one douche bag who wouldn't let us into the safe room at the church?

Francis: How could we forget that?

Louis: We had to fight off the entire town because of that guy.

2. If you are out of shape/fat you are dead. The undead will go after the slowest of the pack. If you are the weakest link, consider yourself dead. Might as well drown yourself in some pills. I'm pretty sure it would be better than becoming one of them.

Bill: They're all Boomers now.

3. Lack of sleep. More often then not you'll find yourself running on no sleep for days. But once you let your guard down and drift off to sleep just know you probably won't wake up again.

Zoey: I don't know about you guys, but I haven't had a dream filled of cute butterflies and chocolate teddy bears in a while…

Francis: [Shocked] You had dreams about cute stuff?

Zoey: [Embarrassed] Yeah! Doesn't everybody?

Louis: [Mutters under breath] Not you…

Zoey: [Mad] Shut up, Louis.

4. About 99.9% of the people you encounter will be trying to eat you. Although this will eventually considered to be normal for you it's important not to forget that there might actually be a .1% trying to escape the undead. Just be careful not to shoot him/her. However, if he/she has any weird bite marks or scratches, put them down and quickly. Take immediate action if they are scratching their wounded area whispering "itchy tasty".

Bill: [Laughs] Remember that last kid we were gonna let into the group.

Zoey: I try not to.

5. There's no such thing as a hospital. The places you once called "hospitals" are now sanctuaries for the undead. If you get injured, suck it up. You do not want to go near one these buildings for the life of anything. You will most likely get mauled by a Hunter and die- even better thousands of zombies will tear you open and eat your organs.

Louis: You guys better not get mortally injured, cause after what happened at Mercy Hospital I am never stepping foot inside of a hospital.

6. You become desensitized. Normally if someone sees a person get his eye cut out they'd cringe or maybe even scream. But once the zombie come out and you've been exposed to all the horrors for so long you'll be like "Pshh, sucks to be Mr. DiNardo" and then you'll continue about your day like it never even happened.

Bill: [Nods head] Yep.

7. You have to be ready for anything and everything. One little mistake and it could result in death. Someone tells you to leave them behind, do it. Don't ask questions. The time you spend trying to convince them to come with you could have been used to execute the escape.

Louis: God forbid a Tank runs out of nowhere.

Francis: I hate Tanks.

Zoey: Doesn't everybody?

8. Tanks. Hunters. Spitter. Chargers. Smokers. Witches. Jockeys. Boomers. These are your worst enemies in the zombie apocalypse and they will fuck you up. Though thankfully they are the loudest of the infected and you can hear them coming from yards away. The ones you really want to avoid at all costs are the Tanks and Witches…maybe even the Charger. And for self-esteem reasons, the Jockeys. They hump your face and it is incredibly embarrassing.

Zoey: [Laughs] Remember when that Jockey humped your face, Francis.

Francis: [Covers face] I thought we agreed never to mention that again.

9. Psychopaths/Cults. You will more often then not come across one of those two. Cults will usually ask you to join their cult and if you say no they'll try to kill you then use you as a human sacrifice to the gods. Psychopaths on the other hand will just attack you on the spot. I, personally, think it's better to run into a psychopath than the cult because, you can always kill the psychopath but kill one member of the cult and there's plenty more where that came from.

Zoey: Thank god we haven't run into any of these yet.

Louis: Well, that church guy could count as a psychopath.

10. DEPRESSING THOUGHT: Your loved ones are probably all dead.

Everyone: …

Zoey: That is depressing…

Yours Truly,

Asher Hollingsworth

"I think this might be the best safe room we stumbled across by far," Francis says, taking a seat on the desk. Zoey sits next to him, while Bill and Louis sit in two computer chairs.

"Keep reading," Bill laughs.

And that's how they discovered the lost survivor's notebook.

END CHAPTER ONE.

Bring Your Own Kites: Hope you guys had fun reading this. Ashes probably will not make an actual appearance in this. He's probably dead or trying to survive.