Chapter 7
"First of all... Papa Smurf didn't
create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She
was sent in as Gargemel's evil spy,
with the intention of destroying the
smurf village. But the overwhelming
Goodness of the Smurf Way of Life
transformed her into the Smurfette
we all know and love. And as for the
whole gang-bang scenario... it just
couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual.
They probably don't even have
reproductive organs down there under
those little white pants. The only
reason they exist is because of magic
spells and witchcraft... which is
all a bunch of bullshit if you ask
me."
"That's what's so illogical about the
smurfs... what's the point of living
if you don't have a dick?"
Harry aims the gun... pulls the trigger. Blame! A bottle
breaks.
"Dammit, Harry! Why do you always
gotta get all smart on us!"
Harry takes the bottle of Night Train and takes a small
sip.
Their conversation is interrupted by the squealing of tires.
Down the hill, a Dodge minivan is stopped on Old Gun Road.
Grandma Death is once again in the middle of the street.
"Grandma Death."
Ms. farmer leans her head out of the window.
"Excuse me!"
Grandma Death doesn't hear her. She wanders around in circles.
Furious, Ms. Farmer gets out of the car and walks over to
the old woman, walking her by the shoulders back to her
driveway.
"Please stay out of the road, Ms.
McGonagall. If this happens again, I'm
going to call social services."
Ms. Farmer gets back behind the wheel and they drive off.
Grandma Death lurks around her mailbox.
"How old is Grandma Death?"
"A hundred and one, I think. Every
day she does the same thing. But
there's never any mail."
Grandma Death approaches the mailbox.
"Here we go... this could be it."
She opens it... then closes it. Walks away.
"Awwww. That sucks."
She approaches the box again...
"Wait a minute... we may still have
mail..."
Opens it... closes it. Walks away.
"Noooo!"
They continue to watch her, sipping liquor into the sunset,
as Grandma Death repeats this act like an ancient wind-up
doll.
Looking nauseous, Harry opens the medicine cabinet and
retrieves his pills. He takes four of them. Harry takes a
drink of water, closing his eyes. He puts the pills back and
closes the cabinet.
In the mirror's reflection is Cedric. Harry jumps.
"You got away with it. Don't worry."
Harry reaches his hand out towards Cedric and it presses
against an invisible wall, as if he were pressing his hand
against liquid glass.
"How can you do that?"
"I can do anything I want... and so
can you..."
Harry stares closely at Cedric. He then removes his hands
and moves back away from him.
A sign reads: EMERGENCY PTA MEETING TONIGHT.
Parents and teachers convene in front of the auditorium
entrance.
Kitty Farmer hands out Xeroxed images of something.
James and Lilly chit-chat with other concerned parents.
Ms. Tonks approaches Kitty Farmer.
"What are you trying to accomplish
here?"
(indignant)
"There was urine and fasces flooded
in my office."
The crowd settles... Principal Cole takes the stage.
"In co-operation with the county
police, we have begun an active
investigation into the cause of the
flooding... and our suspects include
several of our own students."
Kitty Farmer stands up in her seat near the front row.
"I want to know why this FILTH is
being taught to our children."
The crowd stirs.
" Kitty, I would appreciate... if you
could wait..."
"Mr. Cole... not only am I a TEACHER...
but I am also a PARENT of a Middlesex
child. Therefore, I am the ONLY person
here who transcends the parent-teacher
bridge."
"Kitty..."
The bottom line... Mr. Cole... is
that there is material being taught
to our children that is cause for
this destructive behavior.
She stands up.
"I have in my hand Graham Greene's
"The Destructors". This short story
is part of my daughter's English
assignment. In this story, several
children destroy an elderly man's
house from inside out. They destroy
his house without motive, without
moral consequence. They destroy
private property... and they get
away with it."
Ms. Tonks shakes her head bitterly.
"And how do they do this? They FLOOD
the house... by breaking through the
water main!"
(trying to calm her)
"This meeting of the PTA was called
to inform the parents of our ongoing
investigation..."
(enraged)
"I AM THE PTA! And I say that this
FILTH is directly related to this
vandalism."
Applause from the crowd.
"I think this garbage should be
removed."
Several shouts of approval come from the crowd.
Harry continues to converse with Cedric.
"Why did you make me flood the school?"
"We just want to guide you in the
right direction."
"Who is... we?"
"You'll know soon enough."
(desperate)
"Where did you come from?"
"Do you believe in time travel, Harry?"
A moment of silence.
"Who are you talking to?"
Harry turns to see Ginny is standing in the doorway.
Cedric is gone.
A heated debate among the parents is under way. Frustrated,
Lilly stands up. Nymphadora Tonks is furious.
"Excuse me... but what is the real
issue here? The PTA doesn't ban books
from school."
"The PTA is here to acknowledge that
there is pornography in our school's
curriculum."
(standing up)
"My GOD... woman, are you drunk?"
"Excuse me? You need to go back to
grad school."
(to Kitty)
"Do you even know who Graham Greene
is?"
(to Lilly)
"I think we've all seen "Bonanza"."
Ms. Tonks is disgusted. Lilly and James burst out laughing,
grab their coats, and leave.
Harry and Hermione play a Sega race-car driving game. Harry
drives a souped-up red Ferrari through the Grand Canyon.
"So when you sleepwalk, can you
remember afterward? Like, do you
dream?"
"No. I just wake up and I look around,
try to figure out where I am... how
I got there."
"My dad said never wake a
sleepwalker... because they could
drop dead."
The Trans-Am crashes head on into a tree. Game Over.
"It's like this big force... that's
in your brain. But sometimes it grows
bigger... and it spread down into
your arms and legs... and it just
sends you someplace."
"So when you sleepwalk, you go
somewhere familiar?"
"No. Every time I wake up somewhere
different. Sometimes my bike is laying
there next to me. Like once when I
woke up on the edge of this cliff up
on Carpathian Ridge."
"And you'd never been there before?"
They sit silently for a moment.
"Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever feel as though there's
always someone watching you?"
"Why?"
"Well... maybe someone is, like...
giving you these dream steroids. And
sleepwalking ...is someone showing
you the way."
OCTOBER 13 1988
Harry stands in front of the class. Ms. Tonks sits behind
her desk. On the chalkboard is "Poetry Day".
"A storm is coming, Cedric says. A
storm that will swallow the
children... and I will deliver them
from the kingdom of pain."
"I will deliver the children to their
doorsteps. I will send the monsters
back to the underground. I will send
them back to a place where no one
can see them... except for me. Because
I am Harry Potter."
Harry returns to his seat. Ms. Tonks stares at him
intensely.
"Who is Cedric?"
"A six-foot-tall bunny rabbit."
The class begins to laugh. Harry looks over at Hermione.
Ms. Farmer stands next to the television where Tom Riddle
narrates the Lifeline tutorial.
"And so, let us begin Lifeline Exercise
No. 1."
"PLEASE PRESS STOP NOW" appears on the screen.
Ms. Farmer stops the tape and moves to the blackboard. On
it, she has drawn a horizontal line book-ended by the words
"Love" and "Fear".