Chapter 7

"First of all... Papa Smurf didn't

create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She

was sent in as Gargemel's evil spy,

with the intention of destroying the

smurf village. But the overwhelming

Goodness of the Smurf Way of Life

transformed her into the Smurfette

we all know and love. And as for the

whole gang-bang scenario... it just

couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual.

They probably don't even have

reproductive organs down there under

those little white pants. The only

reason they exist is because of magic

spells and witchcraft... which is

all a bunch of bullshit if you ask

me."

"That's what's so illogical about the

smurfs... what's the point of living

if you don't have a dick?"

Harry aims the gun... pulls the trigger. Blame! A bottle

breaks.

"Dammit, Harry! Why do you always

gotta get all smart on us!"

Harry takes the bottle of Night Train and takes a small

sip.

Their conversation is interrupted by the squealing of tires.

Down the hill, a Dodge minivan is stopped on Old Gun Road.

Grandma Death is once again in the middle of the street.

"Grandma Death."

Ms. farmer leans her head out of the window.

"Excuse me!"

Grandma Death doesn't hear her. She wanders around in circles.

Furious, Ms. Farmer gets out of the car and walks over to

the old woman, walking her by the shoulders back to her

driveway.

"Please stay out of the road, Ms.

McGonagall. If this happens again, I'm

going to call social services."

Ms. Farmer gets back behind the wheel and they drive off.

Grandma Death lurks around her mailbox.

"How old is Grandma Death?"

"A hundred and one, I think. Every

day she does the same thing. But

there's never any mail."

Grandma Death approaches the mailbox.

"Here we go... this could be it."

She opens it... then closes it. Walks away.

"Awwww. That sucks."

She approaches the box again...

"Wait a minute... we may still have

mail..."

Opens it... closes it. Walks away.

"Noooo!"

They continue to watch her, sipping liquor into the sunset,

as Grandma Death repeats this act like an ancient wind-up

doll.

Looking nauseous, Harry opens the medicine cabinet and

retrieves his pills. He takes four of them. Harry takes a

drink of water, closing his eyes. He puts the pills back and

closes the cabinet.

In the mirror's reflection is Cedric. Harry jumps.

"You got away with it. Don't worry."

Harry reaches his hand out towards Cedric and it presses

against an invisible wall, as if he were pressing his hand

against liquid glass.

"How can you do that?"

"I can do anything I want... and so

can you..."

Harry stares closely at Cedric. He then removes his hands

and moves back away from him.

A sign reads: EMERGENCY PTA MEETING TONIGHT.

Parents and teachers convene in front of the auditorium

entrance.

Kitty Farmer hands out Xeroxed images of something.

James and Lilly chit-chat with other concerned parents.

Ms. Tonks approaches Kitty Farmer.

"What are you trying to accomplish

here?"

(indignant)

"There was urine and fasces flooded

in my office."

The crowd settles... Principal Cole takes the stage.

"In co-operation with the county

police, we have begun an active

investigation into the cause of the

flooding... and our suspects include

several of our own students."

Kitty Farmer stands up in her seat near the front row.

"I want to know why this FILTH is

being taught to our children."

The crowd stirs.

" Kitty, I would appreciate... if you

could wait..."

"Mr. Cole... not only am I a TEACHER...

but I am also a PARENT of a Middlesex

child. Therefore, I am the ONLY person

here who transcends the parent-teacher

bridge."

"Kitty..."

The bottom line... Mr. Cole... is

that there is material being taught

to our children that is cause for

this destructive behavior.

She stands up.

"I have in my hand Graham Greene's

"The Destructors". This short story

is part of my daughter's English

assignment. In this story, several

children destroy an elderly man's

house from inside out. They destroy

his house without motive, without

moral consequence. They destroy

private property... and they get

away with it."

Ms. Tonks shakes her head bitterly.

"And how do they do this? They FLOOD

the house... by breaking through the

water main!"

(trying to calm her)

"This meeting of the PTA was called

to inform the parents of our ongoing

investigation..."

(enraged)

"I AM THE PTA! And I say that this

FILTH is directly related to this

vandalism."

Applause from the crowd.

"I think this garbage should be

removed."

Several shouts of approval come from the crowd.

Harry continues to converse with Cedric.

"Why did you make me flood the school?"

"We just want to guide you in the

right direction."

"Who is... we?"

"You'll know soon enough."

(desperate)

"Where did you come from?"

"Do you believe in time travel, Harry?"

A moment of silence.

"Who are you talking to?"

Harry turns to see Ginny is standing in the doorway.

Cedric is gone.

A heated debate among the parents is under way. Frustrated,

Lilly stands up. Nymphadora Tonks is furious.

"Excuse me... but what is the real

issue here? The PTA doesn't ban books

from school."

"The PTA is here to acknowledge that

there is pornography in our school's

curriculum."

(standing up)

"My GOD... woman, are you drunk?"

"Excuse me? You need to go back to

grad school."

(to Kitty)

"Do you even know who Graham Greene

is?"

(to Lilly)

"I think we've all seen "Bonanza"."

Ms. Tonks is disgusted. Lilly and James burst out laughing,

grab their coats, and leave.

Harry and Hermione play a Sega race-car driving game. Harry

drives a souped-up red Ferrari through the Grand Canyon.

"So when you sleepwalk, can you

remember afterward? Like, do you

dream?"

"No. I just wake up and I look around,

try to figure out where I am... how

I got there."

"My dad said never wake a

sleepwalker... because they could

drop dead."

The Trans-Am crashes head on into a tree. Game Over.

"It's like this big force... that's

in your brain. But sometimes it grows

bigger... and it spread down into

your arms and legs... and it just

sends you someplace."

"So when you sleepwalk, you go

somewhere familiar?"

"No. Every time I wake up somewhere

different. Sometimes my bike is laying

there next to me. Like once when I

woke up on the edge of this cliff up

on Carpathian Ridge."

"And you'd never been there before?"

They sit silently for a moment.

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever feel as though there's

always someone watching you?"

"Why?"

"Well... maybe someone is, like...

giving you these dream steroids. And

sleepwalking ...is someone showing

you the way."

OCTOBER 13 1988

Harry stands in front of the class. Ms. Tonks sits behind

her desk. On the chalkboard is "Poetry Day".

"A storm is coming, Cedric says. A

storm that will swallow the

children... and I will deliver them

from the kingdom of pain."

"I will deliver the children to their

doorsteps. I will send the monsters

back to the underground. I will send

them back to a place where no one

can see them... except for me. Because

I am Harry Potter."

Harry returns to his seat. Ms. Tonks stares at him

intensely.

"Who is Cedric?"

"A six-foot-tall bunny rabbit."

The class begins to laugh. Harry looks over at Hermione.

Ms. Farmer stands next to the television where Tom Riddle

narrates the Lifeline tutorial.

"And so, let us begin Lifeline Exercise

No. 1."

"PLEASE PRESS STOP NOW" appears on the screen.

Ms. Farmer stops the tape and moves to the blackboard. On

it, she has drawn a horizontal line book-ended by the words

"Love" and "Fear".