This is a fun fic from a plot bunny birthed on The Name Game thread over on the Psychfic forums. Lost_In_Translation created the title and Kirei the description. The bunny insisted on morphing slightly (as all my bunnies are so fond of doing), but it's still the same basic storyline. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Psych and its characters and original plotlines do not belong to me. Not even the title or basic plotline here belong to me … Wow. This is sad. Even so, I'm making no money on this nor do I mean any copyright infringement.

And thanks to Kkarrie for reading this over and assuring me Lassiter was Lassiter enough.

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Another clap of thunder shook the house. Lassiter shook his head as he finished tying off his garbage bag. He'd better take it out before the sky opened; according to the forecasters, tonight would have quite the downpour. At least he didn't have anywhere to go and could stay inside. He strode to his front door, swung it open, then stopped in his tracks at the sight of the small animal on his doorstep.

The puppy looked up with large dark eyes, letting out a pitiful whimper as it watched him. It was wet and muddy, and shivers wracked its small body every few seconds. He couldn't tell what color it was through the mud on its coat, and he was no expert on dogs, but he could tell it was a larger breed, probably a retriever or a lab. It appeared to have been on its own for a while. There was a ragged look to the creature, and its skin hung loosely; a sure sign it hadn't had a good meal in quite a while.

Lassiter shook his head; some careless owner had probably abandoned it on the side of the road. He stepped past it to throw his garbage in the trash can at the side of his house, and when he turned around to go back to the house, he nearly stepped on the puppy.

With a scowl, he again stepped over it, quickening his step when the first drops of rain landed on his head. Looking behind him, he was only slightly surprised to see the puppy on his heels. Once they reached the house, the puppy scampered up the few steps to the porch and sat on his mat again, watching him in expectation.

"I don't need a pet," Lassiter snapped at it.

The puppy simply blinked at him, tilting its head to the side as if to ask why he wouldn't just open the door and let it inside.

Lassiter sighed. A dog was the last thing he needed or wanted, but he couldn't just leave it out all night. The responsible thing to do would be to take it to an animal shelter, but it was late and the rain was already starting to pour down. Giving the animal one more thoughtful look, he sighed again in resignation. "Fine, you can come in for the night, but I'm taking you to the shelter first thing in the morning."

As if it had understood him, the puppy let out a shrill bark. Lassiter reached down and picked it up; he wasn't going to let it walk around on his carpet with all that mud on its paws. It was lighter than he had expected, although he still had to use both hands to carry the weight.

Fishing an old towel out of his storage closet, Lassiter cleaned the puppy the best he could. He didn't own any dog shampoo, but a bath of warm water seemed to do a pretty good job of cleaning off the mud that was caked onto the puppy's coat. Once he had toweled off the animal's brown fur, he headed for the kitchen.

The puppy scampered along behind him, ears flopping as it kept up with his pace. Lassiter deposited the soiled towel near his washer then headed towards his refrigerator. He had no dog chow in his house, of course, and there was no way he was going out in that weather, but he had some meat that would work well enough for that night and the next morning.

He found a few old bowls in the back of his cabinet, one of which he filled with water, and set them on the ground for the puppy. With a yap of thanks, it pounced on the food, scarfing the entire bowlful down in a matter of minutes. Lassiter cleared his throat; he must be slightly allergic to the dog.

While the animal was eating, Lassiter headed towards the bathroom. He had some old towels around the house somewhere, and the puppy was going to have to sleep somewhere. A few minutes later, he returned with a handful of slightly worn bath towels. He wasn't even sure why he had kept them after all that time, but now he was glad he had.

When he stepped back into the kitchen, he stopped in his tracks. The puppy was no longer at the bowls beside the table. In fact, the floppy-eared creature was nowhere to be found at all. Lassiter let out a grunt of annoyance.

He whistled for the puppy as he strode into the living room. It wasn't in sight, and he continued towards his bedroom. "Come here, boy," he called, flicking on the light.

Lassiter's eyes narrowed. A strange sound was coming from under his bed; it was a wet chewing sound that didn't make him comfortable at all. He bent down to look underneath the bed and growled in annoyance.

The puppy met his stare with unblinking, innocent eyes. One of Lassiter's suede bucks was hanging from its mouth, and its left paw rested on the other, which was already mutilated.

"No!" Lassiter exclaimed, grabbing his footwear from the dog. "Bad dog!" He grimaced at the slimy feel of the shoes in his hands. They were ruined beyond repair, and he sighed in frustration.

The dog scampered from under the bed and out the door into the hallway. After mourning his shoes for a moment, Lassiter followed it. He would be able to find another pair easily enough, although they would never be quite the same as the pair he had already comfortably broken in. For now, he needed to keep an eye on the mischievous animal and hopefully keep it out of any further trouble or destruction of his house.

Lassiter whistled. "Boy? Here, boy … Come here, dog."

There was an answering whimper from his living room. Lassiter strode into the room but stopped in his tracks. The puppy was sitting in the corner of the room, shivering, its tail thumping weakly against the carpet. A small brown pile occupied the floor beside the animal.

"Oh no … You did not." Lassiter groaned. There were hundreds of better ways he could think of to spend his evening, and cleaning up small animals' toilet issues was not one of them.

The puppy blinked back at him, seeming to catch the tall human's displeased mood. It lowered its head and put its ears back, watching Lassiter as he glared at it. Finally, he shook his head and picked up the puppy and took it to the back door, setting it on the porch before stalking back to clean up the mess. Once he was finished, he let the puppy back inside.

He had to keep it in sight from now on, he decided, if he was going to avoid any further messes. That or put it where the mess would be much easier to clean up. And the dog needed a place to sleep, anyway; the bathroom was as good a place as any.

It was nearly time for him to head off to bed himself, so Lassiter put down the towels in his bathroom and set the puppy inside. Closing the door to keep it in, he donned his pajamas then squeezed back through the bathroom door. The puppy watched him curiously as he brushed his teeth and went about his nightly routine.

Finally he turned out the lights and climbed into bed, checking that his alarm was set and the gun in his nightstand drawer was loaded. Just as he started to drift off to sleep, a shrill whine broke the still night.

Lassiter groaned, rolling over and pulling a pillow over his head. The whining continued however, and he finally stood and stalked across the room. He yanked open the door and crossed his arms, glaring down at the puppy that had jumped up excitedly at the appearance of its new human.

"What is your problem?" he demanded.

The puppy whimpered, blinking up at him, wagging its tail in expectation.

"Dog, you are beginning to get on my nerves," Lassiter growled. He was half asleep and wanted to get back to his bed as soon as possible. "Lie down." He pointed a finger at the towels in the corner.

The puppy watched him for a moment longer before putting its ears back, tucking its tail between its legs, and slinking over to its bed. Once it had curled up on the towels, Lassiter turned back to his room, shut the bathroom door, and crawled between the covers again.

Less than a minute later, the puppy began crying again. This time, the whining was accompanied by scratching on the door. Lassiter reached to the side and grabbed an extra pillow, throwing it across the room at the door.

The puppy hushed for a moment, just long enough for Lassiter to drift back towards sleep, then the whining began again. Lassiter sighed heavily, trudging back to the door. The puppy was backed up a few steps when he opened the door, barking happily.

Yawning, Lassiter gave the dog his best glare. "You really need to let others sleep. I can put you back out in the rain you know."

The only response he received was a shrill yap. He picked up the animal and set it on the towels, pushing its back gently to make it lie down. "Now stay there." He shut the door once more, settling into his bed and pulling his pillow over his head. If he was lucky, he'd fall asleep in the next few minutes and manage a reasonable amount of sleep before he had to get up to work.

Not a chance. Within minutes, the dog's whine came through the bathroom door. If he ignored it, maybe it would finally get the hint and quiet down … But after five minutes of attempting to sleep in spite of the puppy noises, he gave up. He had read somewhere that a ticking clock worked to calm a puppy down at night, but he only had digital clocks in the house.

At this point, Lassiter was ready to try just about anything. He slowly made his way to the bathroom for what felt like the hundredth time that night, but instead of fussing the animal, he sat on the floor next to the towels, leaning back against the wall. The puppy scampered over to him and crawled into his lap. One ear flopped across its muzzle as it watched his face, reaching up with a pink tongue to greet him.

"You need to go to sleep," he told it groggily.

The puppy just turned in a circle, pawing at his legs before flopping down with its chin resting on his leg. Lassiter patted it on the head, stifling another yawn. He probably should get back into his own bed, but he might as well stay where he was for another few minutes. If he could get the puppy calmed down enough, it would probably sleep through the night. He yawned again, letting his eyes slip closed this time.