a/n: an epic in a one-shot. don't read if you have add or are easily confused. peace.

W I S H F U L T H I N K I N G

James Potter was arrogant. He smoked, he bullied, he drank far too much, and he smirked and laughed more than he smiled. He fought (Muggle style), he dueled, he pranked, and he harbored a terrible hatred for a certain black-eyed Slytherin and the rest of his 'goddamn house'.

James Potter had untidy black hair that, at times, looked as though a hurricane had hit and left the inky strands flying in all sorts of directions. He was tall, wore wire-rimmed glasses, and had a strong jaw and long, aristocratic nose. He had firm, dusty-rose lips and dark eyebrows that arched over his hazel eyes and were often expressively moving whenever he spoke. He played Quidditch a great deal and planned on joining Puddlemere United after graduating from Hogwarts. He had a cocky but confident attitude that was visible to even those who first met him and he was extremely charismatic. He was intelligent, without even trying, and got excellent marks on everything. His three best mates meant the world to him and everyone was quite aware of this fact. Whenever he smiled (his rare, straight and white toothed smile), his eyes sparkled with a million shades of green, gold, and purple.

James Potter was very handsome. And he knew it as well.

To James, the greatest pleasure in life was doing what people say you cannot do. He practiced this as often as he smoked. Which was quite often.

He was an enigma, but people liked to believe that they understood him as well as Sirius, Remus, and Peter did. But they knew nothing.

At least, that's what James Potter told himself. Perhaps, it was all just wishful thinking.

(Sixth Year; Dorcas and Lily, Library, After That Night)

"I really do hate him, you know." Dorcas looked up from her Charms essay, startled.

For Dorcas Meadowes, sixteen and optimistic, sixth year was turning out just as difficult as Alice and Emmeline had told her it would be and sometimes, she never told anyone this, but she stayed up late, unable to sleep, stressed and worried about life. She often sat at the library, as she was doing now, her books piled around her, just thinking- not working, but thinking- about the most depressing things. How horrible it would be if she failed Charms, like she always knew she would. How terrible it would be if she was killed…killed by a Death Eater or…Voldemort himself. She never told Lily her concerns but often confided in Marlene, for she was just as scared as Dorcas. Lily was too brave sometimes. She was also lost in her own perfect world.

Her caramel eyes focused on her enraged redhead best friend, who hadn't been sitting there a moment before, and she blinked in confusion.

"What are you talking about, Lily?"

"Potter," Lily spat with a sneer that could rival any Slytherin. "I hate him."

Dorcas gave a snort of laughter, adjusting her quill between her fingers and shaking her dark head. "Lily, what on earth?" When her curious gaze didn't get the ginger prefect to speak, she started again, "Merlin, wasn't it just yesterday that you said you didn't hate him and that you were just disgusted with him?" She paused for a second, comprehension dawning upon her features. "Wait…is it because of-"

"Things change," Lily interrupted hastily. Dorcas nodded knowingly. Lily huffed, looking about ready to kill. She flexed her fingers under the table, but Dorcas didn't, and obviously couldn't, notice. "Where's Marlene, anyway?"

And indeed, where was Marlene Mckinnon?

(Sixth Year; Marlene, Same Day, Somewhere In Another Part Of Hogwarts)

"More…skin…" the hot words were swallowed by a searing kiss that lasted a few good seconds before the two sixth years broke apart, still panting, entwined so closely, if one backed away, the other was likely to fall into a disheveled heap upon the floor. They were huddled together in a broom closet on the third floor, hot breath against warm skin and skilled fingers against places that Marlene shivered as she felt. And Oh, did she feel.

Marlene Mckinnon, sixteen and pessimistic, hated relationships. Hated them with a passion. In fact, she often spent much of her time bashing those who were in relationships. She couldn't understand Dorcas' glittering eyes when she came back from a date with Benjy-bloody-Fenwick or Lily's wide smiles as Nathaniel Felling escorted her around like a prized pony. It was stupid. It was impractical. It wasn't real.

That isn't to say that Marlene was a slut- she was far from a slut. In fact, some might call her a prude. Which, as those who knew her best knew, wasn't the case either.

Marlene had had terrible experience with love. There was Marcus Finsby, average in size, average in appearance and a Hufflepuff, who used to stalk her, and then Argon Dwight, Ravenclaw prefect, and Quidditch player, who proclaimed his love for her on their first date. And then there was Remus Lupin.

Simply said, she despised him. He was admittedly, kind of cute, in a studious, bookish way; but for those who had seen him in his reckless, unraveled state, they would have to wholly admit that he was spectacular. At least, in Marlene Mckinnon's eyes.

Oh, who was she kidding- she hated Remus Lupin. And that was why she was currently making out with a fellow sixth year Gryffindor, releasing her heat and anger into their kiss.

"Mmmm…shirt off?" she questioned following his husky pant of less clothes. There was a short pause.

"Shirt off is good," he agreed in a throaty voice and she ripped her crisp oxford button down off her slender body, feeling a sudden thrill when James Potter placed his large, manly hands just under her breasts, skating along her ribs and caressing her abdomen.

Who cared about shirts and Remus-bloody-Lupin when James Potter was doing such wonderfully sinful things to her body?

(Sixth Year; The Girls, The Day Before)

"For some strange reason, I don't believe you," Marlene told her redheaded friend sarcastically as she brought her brush to the roots of her hair and pulled it through, stopping to remove tangles from the mess of blonde and wincing in disgust as she saw the many golden hairs that were stuck to the bristles once she had pulled it out. "I mean, come on, you're always yelling at each other in the halls, turning him down when he asks you out and being, overall, kind of a bitch."

"Shut up, Lena, Lily's never a bitch to him," Dorcas snapped from her spot by her bed where she was rummaging haphazardly though her trunk. "He's the one who's a jerk." Marlene tapped the bristles of her brush against her cheek in thought.

"You're right. He is a jerk. A good-looking one…Maybe I'm a little biased." She grinned sheepishly as Lily rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"A little? But, I'm serious. He disgusts me, is all. It's not as though I hate him, or something." When Marlene continued to stare at her skeptically, she sighed.

"Really. I'm totally over…" she paused, "…what happened after the O.W.L.S."

"If you really were over it, you'd be able to speak about it without hesitating," Marlene reasoned. "Come on, Lily, it's okay to hate the bloke, he is a bit of a prat-"

"I don't though," Lily repeated earnestly, looking around at her friends, trying to convince them. Dorcas shrugged and Marlene raised her golden eyebrows. "I'm over it. I've got nothing against him- I just don't really like him as a person."

"Ok then." Marlene said simply. She turned away from her best friend, but kept a close, worried eye on her through the mirror's reflection.

(Fifth Year; Lily and James, After O.W.L.S.)

"…Potter. I've had enough. I really just- I just can't. I can't anymore. Please." Lily barely managed to spit her words out through her tears and through her agony. "Can you just… not? Not bother me, not…" she struggled in her speech, watching through blurry eyes as the handsome face of her rival swam before her vision. His brows were furrowed and she could tell he was having a hard time looking at her. She felt terribly pathetic, coming to him like this, but it needed to be done. It needed to be said. "Please."

They had been opponents for years- verbally, educationally. In almost everything. Perfect Lily Evans and James Potter, the 'mysterious' Golden Boy. Their fights, their brawls were almost legendary.

It would come as a surprise to anyone that Lily Evans had stumbled up to the fifth year boys' dormitory after a long day of exams, tears pouring down her cheeks and disappearing into the collar of her white oxford shirt, knocked three times on the wooden door and plunged into the room, crying and mussing up her hair when a certain raven-haired boy had answered it, looking both bewildered and sorry; the same boy that was standing opposite to her now, looking at a loss of what to do, and holding a small snitch in his hand. His eyes flickered about the dorm, occasionally stopping on her sad little form, before once again darting around the room. Anyone could see that he was scared.

"I'm not going to deny," Lily sobbed, her green eyes bright with tears (she was still lovely), "it really hurts. I can't handle it. Not now…I just lost my best friend." She looked up, then, her eyes, oh, her eyes eyes eyes- her beautiful eyes, brimming with tears, and searching his face, willing him to understand. She released a snot-filled cry and then trembled in embarrassment. But James didn't move a limb.

"Let's just s-stop. I d-don't like you and y-you don't like m-me." She inhaled noisily. "Let's just…move on." He stared at her, her broken expression, the life gone from her eyes, her cheeks pale and sunken. He had never seen her like this and it was scaring him too much. And because he NEVER EVER wanted to see her this way again, he, very slowly, nodded, his head heavy with swarming thoughts and questions of 'what was happening to them?' She nodded back once, relieved.

"Ok. Jesus. Ok." She shakily left the room without a backwards glance, her tears still cascading down from her eyes like pearly rain.

She didn't look back. She wouldn't.

She couldn't.

(Seventh Year; Nathan and Lily, Cheerful Boys)

He had chestnut brown hair, bordering on a brownish gold, and it was constantly falling into his eyes. He often flipped his head back to prevent this from happening, and when he did, girls would swoon. His eyes were stunning- an ocean blue color that sparkled when he was happy and glimmered when he was sad.

Nathaniel Felling was a cheerful sort of boy; a seventh year, along with his beautiful girlfriend Lily Evans, the Captain of Ravenclaw's Quidditch team, and an all around perfect guy.

He was going to work as a Healer at St. Mungo's when he left Hogwarts. He had already gotten a few letters from their internship program and was looking forward to spending the rest of his days Healing, living with his wonderful girlfriend (who might hopefully be Lily Felling at some point), and making babies.

Nathaniel Felling was in love with his girlfriend, was a role model to students, and had his whole future planned out before him.

"Look, Nathan," Lily pleaded as he followed her down the hall. She walked a few steps ahead of him, occasionally turning her head back, to speak to him clearly. "I can't go out tonight."

"And why not?" he asked with a wide grin, catching her small hand in his and pressing a debonair kiss to the back of it. She scoffed and attempted to pull it out of his grasp. "The night is young, the moon is out, and I know where we can get a mean clam stew…"

"As tempting as that sounds," Lily said impatiently (Nathaniel caught some sarcasm), rolling her eyes at his romantic ministrations, "I have Head duty to do. I promised James I'd meet him at seven."

Nathaniel froze and she stopped too, curious at his reaction. "James…since when have you started calling him James?"

"Since he started to take his duties seriously. Now would you please let me go?" Nathaniel didn't remove his hand from her wrist and when he spoke again, his voice was wistful.

"I would have made a better Head Boy, I think," he said quietly. "In fact, I probably would have made a better prefect than bloody Argon Dwight." The curl of his lips was bitter as he spoke and anyone could have seen that this subject had been approached before.

"I think he's doing rather well," Lily disagreed softly, defending her fellow Head. "He comes to patrols on time, he turns in his hour sheets properly-"

"Are you blind, Lily?" Nathaniel said loudly. Lily's eyes widened at his tone. "He plays pranks on the school every day, how can you not see it? He doesn't take his job seriously, he doesn't take anything seriously!" Lily wrenched her hand back from his grip and sent her boyfriend of two years a scowl, rubbing at her wrist fiercely.

"Shut up," she spat up at him. "And at least he's not a power-hungry fool who can't get over the fact that some people can actually be better than him!" She glared with all her might at her handsome boyfriend before turning on her heel and stalking away.

"Wait, wait, Lily," Nathaniel begged, catching her hand again and wincing when she pulled it out of his grasp sharply. "I didn't mean that. I'm sorry."

Lily sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Please, just-" she rubbed at her temples. "Just…go."

Nathaniel shoved his hands into his pockets and sent her a last glance of longing. "I love you," he said.

She looked up at him, smiled faintly, stood on her tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his lips. Whirling around, she flounced down the hallway and out of sight, leaving a sad Nathaniel Felling behind her.

So, Nathaniel Felling had a beautiful girlfriend whom he knew didn't love him, was rather dissatisfied with his position in school, and wasn't completely sure about his future.

But he got along because- well…he was a cheerful sort of boy.

(Sixth Year; Dorcas and Benjy, Happiness and Marauders)

Dorcas was happy.

It had been a while since she was able to say that and now she could say it with clarity and defiant pleasure. "I, Dorcas Meadowes, am happy."

She giggled with joy as her wonderfulhandsomeamazing boyfriend pressed his lips to her neck and smiled against her soft skin. She ran a slender hand through his brown hair, smiling at her luck and just smiling in general.

It had been a good week.

Emmeline and Alice, her good friends from the year above, had helped her with her Transfiguration homework; now all she had left was a pesky Charms essay. She wasn't the best at Charms. Of course, there was always Lily who would be more than happy to help her…And Benjy had taken her out every other day all week. He was too sweet, sometimes. Dorcas cherished him.

"Ben," she murmured against her Ravenclaw, seventh-year boyfriend's lips, "I should probably be getting back to the Tower."

Benjy Fenwick disentangled himself from her, reluctantly, but wrapped is hand around her small one, smiling down at her with his special, beautiful smile. "Alright. I'll drop you back." She nodded, beaming, and they set off the Gryffindor Tower sharing private jokes and small kisses as they walked.

Once they had reached the Fat Lady's portrait, and she watched them approach with slightly disapproving eyes, Dorcas let go of her boyfriend's hand.

"I'll see you?" she questioned. He smiled down at her, bending to kiss her on the lips softly.

"See you."

A short scuffle and some noise followed this statement and Dorcas turned her head, distracted. Three of the four Marauders stumbled into view, smiling widely and looking the slightest bit intoxicated. Sirius winked at her with raucous glee and Remus sent her an unusually wide grin, blinking his eyes blearily. Peter clutched onto Sirius' arm, laughing the loudest, his white teeth glinting. Dorcas smiled at all of them; even a few drunk, mischievous boys couldn't bring down her mood.

"Evening, boys," she called cheerily as the three of them moved closer to the portrait, closer to Benjy and her. Her arms tightened around her boyfriend's neck.

"Evening," Sirius said, grinning widely, his charmingly handsome face suggestive, "Takin' your boyfriend up to your dorm?" Peter found this extremely funny and burst into laughter, clutching at his stomach. Dorcas shook her head.

"No, he-" she stopped. Her eyes sought out Benjy's who was looking at her curiously.

"What?" he asked, his brown eyes tender.

"Would you…like to come in for a bit? I'm pretty sure they won't tell." She gestured to the Marauders who had lost interest in their conversation and were dramatically begging the Fat Lady to let them in without a password. She had the sneaking suspicion that they already new the password and were merely putting on a show for their own amusement; the Fat Lady, however, was putting up quite the fight, but Dorcas could see the smile twitching at her lips. Nobody could resist the Marauder charm for long.

Benjy stiffened for a moment, before a smile unraveled upon his lips. "Yea, alright. If that's fine with you."

"Of course," Dorcas murmured, pushing past the Marauders and rolling her eyes at their theatrics. "Venemous Tentacula." The Fat Lady reluctantly allowed her door to swing open and the Marauders, cheering avidly, charged into the common room. Dorcas, giggling, grabbed her boyfriend's hand and dragged him through the portrait hole after them, her smile lighting her eyes. She tucked her head into his arm for a second, closing her eyes and grinning, when suddenly, she ran into a person's body. Opening her eyes, she realized it was Remus, standing in front of her, unmoving, frozen to his spot. She looked over at Benjy, who was looking past her, over the Marauder's heads at something in the far corner of the common room, on the red sofa in front of the fireplace. Blinking, she pushed Sirius' shoulder out of the way and moved in front of them. What she saw made her gasp.

"Holy hell!"

It was this exclamation that broke a furiously kissing Lily Evans and James Potter apart.

(Sixth Year; A Few Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, Beginning Of The Year, Lunch)

"Life is so beautiful!" These words, spilt from the red lips of a beautiful sixteen year-old, were accepted with eye rolls and little sighs of exasperation from her friends.

"No, it really bloody isn't," Marlene countered, stabbing at her lamb with irritation.

"Oh, Lena, liven up!" Lily chirped, her emerald eyes sparkling as she nudged her blonde friend in the ribs, earning her a blue-eyed glare, "It's lunch time, we're back at Hogwarts, and all our friends are around us!"

"She's right," Dorcas agreed immediately, her eyes seeking out something past them, before brightening as her cheeks flushed, "our boyfriends too."

"Oh god, please," Marlene muttered in disgust. "You both are disgusting with your lovey-dovey shit. You too, Alice. You and Frank disgust me," she acknowledged an ebony-haired witch with a cheerful visage who seated herself besides them. Alice Prewett gave Marlene a playful eye-roll.

"Shut up, Mckinnon, before I make you," she countered. Dorcas 'ooh-d' and Lily nudged her friend again, sharing a wink with Alice.

"Beautiful, Alice. Wonderfully said," Lily mock-complimented, clapping. Marlene jabbed her in the ribs as they all erupted into laughter.

"Look, it's your boyfriend," Marlene pointed out as a golden-brown haired boy walked down the Gryffindor table, towards where they were seated, a charming grin on his equally charming face. Lily brightened immediately, gesturing for him to sit beside her.

"Nathan!" she cried joyously as he stopped beside her, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips and swinging his legs over the bench, plopping down beside her. "How were your morning classes?"

"Spectacular," Nathaniel joked, he looked around at the Gryffindor girls surrounding him and questioned jokingly, "Alright, who practiced Cheering Charms on my girlfriend?" The rest of the table laughed and Lily ducked her head into her arms, scowling playfully.

"You're all terrible. Jerks, the lot of you," she insisted when they laughed some more. Benjy Fenwick appeared at their section of the table and took a seat next to Dorcas, kissing her on the head briefly.

"Lily being a morning person again?" Benjy asked with a grin. Lily snorted.

"I would hardly count this as morning, seeing as its eleven o'clock!" Marlene rolled her eyes and chuckled under her breath.

"Just admit that your too happy, Lily, and I'll be happy."

"Well, that's a first. You're never happy."

"I beg your bloody pardon-"

Nobody really noticed the small brunette who appeared at their area of the table, clutching the strap of her book bag nervously. Nobody noticed as her eyes moved over their figures, stopping at Dorcas and Benjy and widening. Nobody noticed her move away immediately, farther down the table, as fast as her little legs could carry her.

Nobody noticed; except Dorcas.

(Sixth Year; Marlene and James, You're An Idiot)

Light poured into view as he opened the door wide, allowing Marlene to exit first. She adjusted the buttons of her oxford shirt and smoothed out her skirt, walking out briskly. He followed her, closing the door behind him.

"Thanks for that, Potter," she said breezily, running a hand through her curly locks, "I…er…I needed a distraction."

James nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Me as well." Marlene, who had been closing the buttons around her wrists looked up sharply. And chuckled.

"Potter. You…you're an idiot."

James raised his eyebrow. It wasn't every day the girl he had just groped turned around and called him an idiot. He waited for her explanation, but it didn't come.

He cleared his throat. "Why?"

"Because!" she burst out, raising her arms that were at her sides, looking, all of a sudden, rather passionately enraged, "You don't know anything! Anything!"

"What are you talking about, Mckinnon?"

Marlene took a deep breath and spoke very calmly, very smoothly, her blank, expressionless eyes on James' face. "You're in love with her."

James barely blinked. It was almost like déjà vu, really. "I don't know what you're talking about," James said smoothly.

"You're in love with my bloody best mate, Lily Evans and you know it," Marlene said fiercely. She really said 'bloody' too much, James thought, trying to distract himself from thoughts of a certain lovely redhead. "Well, Potter, I have some news for you. Straighten up your act, or she'll never like you." James stared at her slender figure through cold eyes. Slowly, he reached up to adjust his glasses.

"Are you done?" Marlene flared up.

"Yeah. Just know that you're an idiot, James Potter." She turned away from him, walking down the hall. He called her back.

"I already know that," he said quietly, almost hopelessly. It was so vulnerable sounding; Marlene had to blink back her shock. "I already know she won't ever like me."

Marlene shook her blonde head. "You're an idiot, Potter," she repeated. She turned away once again.

"You're in love with Remus," he yelled after her.

She paused for a moment, chuckled hollowly under her breath, flipped him off, and kept walking.

He heard the softest murmur of 'Idiot' spoken under her breath before she turned into a different hallway.

(Seventh Year; Sirius Black, In Time)

He was handsome. He was mysterious. He was effortlessly smart. He was Sirius Black.

Girls loved him, guys envied him; he was a sort of celebrity at Hogwarts and he enjoyed it thoroughly. He didn't date. He'd done a few girls, but that was the extent to which he participated in activities with the opposite sex. He was, at the moment, curious about his best mate.

He took a bite of his toast and chewed thoughtfully, watching the vivacious, pretty redhead walk with Prongs to the Gryffindor table, laughing. She touched his arm once. A friendly gesture, but an intimate one, if one looked hard enough. Admittedly, this was what James wanted. He wanted Evans to like him, love him, he wanted to walk around with her and laugh and joke and kiss and hug and do everything that Sirius hated.

The newly single Evans was disturbing Sirius too much. After all, he didn't want her to be the reason for James' heartache- he didn't want her to cause his best mate, his brother, more pain. What if she led him on, only to dump him in a few days?

There was something though, something in her emerald eyes; they shone, luminously, as James smiled at her. They glittered and laughed with him when he laughed. They followed his every movement.

Sirius returned to his lunch, realizing that he was thinking too much into this. Time, after all, would tell everything.

(Fifth Year; Mary, After O.W.L.S. Common Room After Party)

The common room was mostly filled with fifth years, all of them standing around, holding glasses and bottles of butterbeer and firewhisky. It was a good night for the fifteen and sixteen year olds who had finished their O.W.L.S. and were celebrating the end of examinations.

Mary Macdonald, a small brunette, and best friend of Dorcas Meadowes, stood in a corner, holding a glass of firewhisky and feeling terribly bad for herself. So what if James Potter wasn't downstairs enjoying the party with the rest of them, with her? So what if he didn't even know she existed? She took a small slurp-y sip from her glass and sniffed delicately.

Mary, a delicate and overall rather sweet sixteen-year old frowned into her cup. James Potter, her crush for a few years, was absent from a party she had attended merely to watch him from her usual corner spot. She wondered where he was and if he was snogging some girl somewhere. She flared up with light jealousy at the thought.

"Mary, is that you?" Mary turned her head and winced when she felt a sharp throbbing pain on the right side of her forehead. She blinked and squinted her eyes against the dim lights of the common room. Was that…Benjy…?

"Benjy?" she questioned in a slurred voice. The boy smiled.

"Yea, its me. What are you doing here all alone? Where's Dorcas?"

"She's up there," she said, pointing towards the staircase and pouting miserably. "They all ditched me." She stumbled slightly but regained her footing, blinking her eyes like mad.

"I'm sorry," Benjy said, placing a comforting arm around her shoulders. His voice was gentle, soothing, and he smiled down at her in genuine apology. She looked up at him through her dulled eyes, blinking. His face was merely inches away from her own and he was looking down at her like…like…

Like he actually cared for her.

Mary returned his smile. He was Dorcas' almost-boyfriend. He wasn't James Potter. He cared about her.

Without thinking, Mary leaned up and pressed her lips to his.

(Fifth Year; Dorcas and Mary, Day After O.W.L.S.)

"You don't understand, do you?" Dorcas hissed, barely containing her fury, "I'm in love with him!"

"I said I'm sorry, Dory!" Mary cried, attempting to close her hand around her best mate's wrist. "No, Dorcas- no, wait-"

"Why would you even- what could possibly-" Dorcas ran a hand through her hair. "I thought you liked Potter, anyway? What happened to that lifelong crush?" Mary pleaded with her eyes, trying to stop her best friend from walking far.

"I do, Dory-" Dorcas' eyes glittered maliciously.

"Why, you- you slut!"

(Sixth Year; Lily and James, Drunken Mistakes)

Lily pushed all her books and pieces of spare parchment into her book bag. It was a nice feeling, getting homework done and having pleasant thoughts of a free weekend with your boyfriend. She smiled shortly before throwing her book bag onto the sofa and jumping onto its cushions herself, snuggling into the red velvet. It had been a long day…

Suddenly, the common room door swung open with a loud bang and Lily looked towards the portrait hole, startled. There, standing in all his cocky glory, was James Potter.

"Evans!" he slurred, stumbling forward a few steps. Lily sat up immediately, her small nose wrinkling in distaste.

"You're drunk," she said unnecessarily. She shook her head, a small scowl melting onto her pretty features, "You're disgusting."

"You're a bitch," Potter countered with a sneer, stumbling forwards once more. She glared at him in icy fury. "You're also hot w-when you're a bitch," he added thoughtfully.

Lily glared at him, barely restraining herself from throwing a book at his huge head. "How dare you?"

"Oh, Evans," he sighed, propping himself up on one arm upon the sofa she was resting on and sending her a drunken grin, "You know you like it when I compliment you." His eyes roved over her figure once and she shuddered.

Not from pleasure. Never from pleasure.

"Bugger off," she muttered, turning back towards the fireplace. There was a pause and Lily resisted the urge to turn back around to see if he had actually done as she had instructed for once. But he spoke from behind her again.

"Why do you hate me?" his voice was soft, the words slurred together so it was almost hard to understand. She turned around to look at him and took in his hurt expression, his wide eyes, sparkling with agony. She blinked in confusion, her red brows furrowing.

"I don't hate you, Potter," she assured. It's not like he'll remember this conversation anyway, she thought.

"You sure ha-have a weird way of showing it," he told her, falling onto the couch beside her. She stiffened next to him and scooted farther down the couch, away from his tall frame.

"Yes, well…" she began testily. "Is there a reason you're here, Potter?"

"I just want to talk to you…I'm not a bad person, Lily," he said, looking up at her with his dark, sensual eyes. He was too handsome, she realized, with his dark hair falling messily over his hazel eyes, his rosy lips pulled down into a frown that marred his face terribly and the flicker of firelight playing across the contours of his defined features. She swallowed with difficulty.

"I know." She needed to leave. Around Potter…he was…she…he…

Her thoughts were blurred together as she got up from the couch, away from him.

"Wait, Lily-" A large hand circled around her wrist and pulled her back. She whirled around, crashing into his frame and falling over him. She released a tight shriek before she opened her eyes and realized (her heart stuttered) that she was sitting on his lap.

Potter's eyes were closed and his lips were parted just slightly. He was breathing deeply. Lily blinked as she realized that she had been studying, analyzing him. Flushing, she bent closer to him, concerned at his immobility, cocking her head, watching out of the corner of her eye as one of her silky red locks brushed his cheek. His eyes open suddenly, startling her.

His eyes were darker than usual, devouring her, eating up her soul. She trembled against him and attempted to stand up, but he held her closer, resisting, holding her firmly against him, shifting her so that she was straddling his lap. Dear god.

"Potter, what are you-" he skid his finger up her side and she stiffened. "P-Potter," she stuttered, warily.

She couldn't breathe. She was drowning in those pools of brown, green, purple, and gold. Because he was smiling at her. For the first time, he was actually smiling at her.

"Lily," he whispered, still smiling, and his smile was so disarming, Lily released a shuddery breath in response, watching as he closed his eyes at her reaction, his smile widening, his lips curling upwards. "Lily."

He kissed her then, roughly, passionately, with such fierceness. A thrill ran through her and, without even realizing her actions, she began to kiss him back, her lips working against his. Electricity buzzed, heat coursed through them as he released a low guttural moan, pressing her closer to him, one hand tangling in her hair, the other rubbing soothing circles against her waist. His tongue licked at her bottom lip and she parted them, feeling his hot tongue entwine with hers. She breathed shakily, exhaling and inhaling with difficulty. His hands began moving up her shirt and she let them, reveling in their warm, sensual touch. Her hand moved to caress his ear, then moved up to grasp at his soft, silky hair. He released a shuddery, raspy breath as she licked his bottom lip.

"Stop it," she whispered after a moment, as he pressed hot kisses to her jaw and she stifled a moan.

"I wouldn't," he muttered raggedly against her neck, the vibrations of his words against her neck causing her to stir against his legs, "even if I could."

He reclaimed her lips and she allowed him, kissing him back fervently, her bright eyes fluttering shut.

"Holy hell!"

She froze against him, not daring to believe that someone was in the room with them. She broke apart from him, looking around to see Sirius, Remus, Peter, Dorcas, and Benjy standing in the room with equally shocked looks upon their faces. Lily gasped in shock, wiggling away from her compromising position on James' lap, but he held her back, preventing her from fleeing.

"Worst timing ever." He told his best mates with a good-natured glare.

Sirius wolf-whistled laughingly. "This was definitely not what I expected to see. Maybe my drunkenness has affected my eyesight."

James grinned suddenly, wide and cocky, satisfied with himself. Arrogant bastard. "Nope. You're seeing right, mate," he said with a smirk, clutching Lily to him. "Lily Evans really is sitting on my-"

Lily didn't wait for him to finish. She jerked away from him, so suddenly, that it broke his hold. She stumbled off his lap and backed away shaking her head. "I hate you."

James' crooked grin never left his face and he straightened on the couch, looking sinfully delicious with his glasses askew and his hair mussed up. "No you don't."

"I do. I hate you so much. And nothing will change that." She told him, trembling in her fury. He didn't look too drunk now, did he? Was it all staged? Just so Dorcas could catch her being unfaithful to Nathan-

Oh god. Nathan.

She clapped a hand over her mouth and let out a muffled cry, still backing away. James' conceited expression was slowly but surely slipping off his face.

Shaking her head once, she released her hold on her mouth and ran up the stairs, tears flooding her vision as she ran. She could hear him calling after her, calling her name in earnest, concerned now.

She hated him.

(Sixth Year; Remus and Marlene, Date)

"I can't believe we just- I can't believe we- OhmyMerlin!" Marlene was both out of breath and out of words as Remus and her came to a stop in front of the castle that was their home. They had run all the way from Hogsmeade at lightning speed and Marlene was starting to feel the tension in her joints and the aching strain in her muscles.

Remus pulled out a bag of chocolate frogs with a sly grin and dangled them in front of Marlene's exultant face. "Care for one of the fruit of our labors?" Marlene laughed as he opened the bag and tossed her a chocolate; she caught it deftly.

"Remind me why we stole this again?" she asked as she unwrapped her frog, inhaling the delicious chocolatey goodness. Remus had already taken a bite into his and was moaning, rather loudly.

"Because we didn't want to miss out on this wonderfulness in a bag? Oh, for goodness sakes, just take a bite Marlene." Marlene grinned and did as she was told, closing her eyes and smiling blissfully as the flavor did wonders to her taste buds.

"I should have brought some galleons," Marlene protested, even though she had polished off one of her candies and was sticking her hand, elbow deep, into the bag to fish out another. "Maybe I'd feel less guilty about all this." Remus rolled his eyes, which, Marlene realized with a jolt that came from her heart, were a melted chocolate color, not too different from the candy she held in her hand. She grinned as she took a bite.

"Galleon-less date, Marlene. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Anyway, it's much more fun this way- what's a date without a little Honeydukes shoplifting and juvenile recklessness, anyway?" he grinned widely, his sandy hair flopping around his face as the wind pulsed around their still figures. "I learned from the best."

Marlene snorted. "The Marauders. Of course." She turned away from him, gazing back at the path they had just ran along, a small smile playing on her red lips. Remus watched her curly blonde hair flutter with the wind, brushing across her sky blue eyes.

"I like you, Marlene," he blurted out suddenly. She turned to him, her smile widening.

"I think I might like you too, Mr. Lupin," she commented playfully, punching him on the arm gently. He was just wonderful- she may of thought he was kind and smart and funny when he wasn't being reckless; but when he let himself free…well, he was something else entirely. Something that Marlene wanted to see more of. A warm feeling erupted in her chest as she saw him inch closer to her, his placid smile never leaving his face. She stayed glued to her spot, excitement coursing through her.

Finally, after what seemed like a century, he pressed his lips to hers. It wasn't perfect, but it left her tingling in random areas of her body and she clutched at his arms, pulling him closer. It wasn't perfect, but he was.

When they finally came up for air, Remus was wearing a rather mischievous, wide grin that looked so much like the other Marauder's; Marlene couldn't resist a giggle of laughter. He looked more like them than he thought and Marlene could see that, standing so close to him, watching the chocolate swirls in his eyes. If she looked closely, there was a tiny hint of green swimming in their depths.

"Hi," he murmured. She grinned as his hand found hers and carefully encompassed it.

"Hi," she replied softly. "Want to go back?" He nodded wordlessly, dragging her along by the hand, up the steps of the castle and into the Entrance Hall.

Marlene didn't date much. She had been on the occasional ones- Archie Mallett, Marcus Finsby, Argon Dwight…she could remember those disastrous dates like the back of her hand. By far, this had been the best date she had been on. She really liked Remus. He was different from her, admittedly; sweet, while she was sarcastic, painfully blunt, while she sugarcoated things, studious, while she wasn't the hardest working…the differences were endless. But perhaps, that's what made them Remus and Marlene, Marlene and Remus. They were just…them.

At least they shared an irrational love for chocolate.

Lily who was on a date with Nathaniel spotted them racing towards Gryffindor Tower and winked at Marlene suggestively. Marlene rolled her eyes and flipped her off, leaving Lily chuckling at her friend. Remus blushed for their sake and Marlene ticked off another difference in her head; she never blushed.

"Flibbertigibbet," said Remus to the Fat Lady, and the password was so ridiculous that Marlene erupted into raucous laughter that Remus joined in a moment later. So laughing and clutching onto each other, they stumbled through the portrait hole, on a familiar scene. The Marauders were seated on separate sofas, looking off in different directions. Marlene stopped her chortling when they looked up coolly.

"Remus? Ahh…and Marlene." Something about Sirius' smirk was disconcerting but Marlene brushed it off, looking at Remus with a smile. The expression on his face made her smile slide off and she felt him extract his hand from hers. She frowned.

"Sirius…"

"So, how'd it go?" Sirius asked, interrupting his chocolate-eyed friend and leaning forward on his elbows with mock-curiosity. Marlene, shrewd as ever, stared at him through narrow eyes.

"Fine Black. Why do you care?"

"I don't," Sirius said dismissively. James had looked up from his snitch and was surveying the scene with interest, his usual attractive smirk in place.

"Would you…go out with Remus again?" Peter asked, a cruel glint in his eyes.

"Peter-" Remus started, looking panicked. A look from James shushed him and the four of them looked to Marlene.

"Er- well, I suppose- I mean, if he wants to- again…" Marlene trailed off awkwardly. She felt hot around the collar and her face was heating up uncomfortably. Wait a minute…

Sirius let out a great bark of laughter. "Well, would you look at that? Marlene's blushing! That's something I don't think I ever expected from the likes of you, Mckinnon. She must really like you, mate." Sirius said, his voice turning dejected. "I guess you can have your ten galleons."

Marlene stared at them, contemplating asking what they were talking about, but feeling a sense of dread at the thought of finding out. One part of her mind was still upset about the fact that she had blushed, actually blushed, in front of the Marauders. But another concentrated on what had just been said. Galleons? Had they…?

"Well, Mckinnon, thanks for your services. We just needed a test subject, you know, to see if someone could actually feel something for Lupin over here." The cruel words coming from Peter's mouth made the sight of his stout blonde figure despicable to Marlene. She saw red.

Gritting her teeth, she turned to Remus; his face was confirmation enough, but she was masochistic, so she decided to torture herself: "Is this true?"

Remus swallowed nervously, craning his face away from hers. Marlene realized that he thought she would slap him. "Er…yes. I just…I didn't-"

Marlene held up her hand to stop his rambling, and with an expression as cool as a cucumber, grabbed the bag of chocolate frogs from him. "I'll be taking these. Thanks, for nothing, Lupin." She turned away from the group of rowdy boys, hearing Sirius and Peter clap their mate on the back excitedly. She ran up the stairs of the dorm and locked herself in.

She didn't cry. At least she told herself she didn't, even when she woke up with a wet pillow beneath her face.

(Seventh Year; Dorcas and Mary, Best Friends and Forgiveness)

Mary laughed, feeling some of her best friend's wispy brown hair tickle her nose. "You're so stupid."

"Shut up," Dorcas retorted playfully, reaching behind her to slap the girl on her crossed legs. "My hair better be gorgeous by the time you're done with it."

The seventeen-year olds giggled on the floor of the girl's dormitory braiding each other's hair and reading Qudditch magazines.

"Look at him, Mar. He's hot," Dorcas declared breathlessly, pointing down at a Quidditch player in her magazine that was striking a confident pose and waving up at her, winking. Mary laughed at her friend, reaching around on the ground for some flower clips that she was braiding into her brown hair.

"He is, isn't he? Who is it?"

"Lucas Lowry, Beater for the Tornadoes," Dorcas told her reverently, looking as though she'd like nothing better than to press her lips to his picture repeatedly. Thankfully, she refrained from snogging his picture in front of Mary. "I swear, if I didn't love Benjy…"

"I'm sure any sane girl would drop their boyfriends for him in a heartbeat. Benjy's lucky to have you," Mary said with a sigh as she dropped her hands from her friend's hair. "I'm finished."

"Are you meeting Reg today?" Dorcas asked as she stood up, running to the mirror to examine her hair; Mary had magic fingers, she decided.

"Yeah, in a bit." Mary looked down at her small wristwatch and her sienna brown eyes widened. "Circe, is that the time? I should be down by now! He's probably waiting for me!" She scrambled to her feet and rushed to her trunk, opening it and rummaging around, finding a small blue cardigan and slipping it around her shoulders. "I'll see you, Dory. Don't stay up!"

"I wouldn't have anyway, loser," Dorcas snorted; she heard a laugh as her friend disappeared out the door, closing it behind her. Dorcas smiled and played with the end fringe of her braid.

Forgiveness was hard. Forgiveness took time. Forgiveness was painful. But at the end of the day, forgiveness was rewarding.

(Seventh Year; Lily and Nathaniel, The Break Up)

It was in fifth year that Lily had really begun to fall for Nathaniel. Well, fall was an exaggeration. She liked him. A lot.

He was polite, he was sweet, he listened to her and he was handsome. All this and a spectacular Quidditch player. Not that that really mattered.

They had begun dating just after her O.W.L.S, right before summer had started. Still at an all-time low after Severus' public humiliation…after their 'break-up', as she referred to it as, she had tried to seek comfort in his all too willing arms. Back then, she had always believed him to be perfect.

Sometimes, she'd imagine the two of them sitting in a small, neat living room somewhere in the Wizarding or muggle world (it really didn't matter to her), surrounded by their children. Preferrably two; a son and a daughter. It was a nice picture and whenever her thoughts would linger on it, she'd smile.

So why was it that she was standing in front of him now, her brows drawn together in worry, watching his disbelieving eyes stare at her in shock?

"You- you mean that?"

"Yes. It's been a long time coming, Nathan, don't pretend it hasn't…I'm so sorry."

He shook his head once, then twice, a small, humorless smile twitching at his lips. "No, your right. I think I saw this coming for a while. Even before you got your Head Girl position…No, this is before that." He nodded his head, almost to himself and Lily swallowed convulsively, feeling pity and sadness well up within her.

"Can we be friends though?" Lily asked pleadingly and her heart sunk slightly when Nathaniel gave a smile that was all too grim for her liking.

"I don't know..." He sighed and met her eyes. "Good-bye, Lily."

She watched his retreating figure for a moment before he froze and turned back around, calling to her.

"Can I ask…can I ask why?"

Lily understood what he meant immediately. Her feet shuffled against the cold stone floor and she felt extremely small, standing there opposite him, clutching onto the straps of her book bag, and looking at the tops of her mary jane's. Her brilliant green eyes fluttered to his. "I love him."

Nathaniel nodded, feeling bitter laughter well up inside him, his lips thinned into a sharp line. He turned and trudged away.

Of course. He never stood a chance, anyway. Not with him in the picture.

(Fifth Year; James, After O.W.L.S.)

Fifteen, immature, and a child at heart. That was James Potter. At least, that was the James that nobody except the few select people who were closest to him knew.

Pampered by his family, he was a spoiled child; he cared for others more than he cared for himself but he only cared for few.

James didn't love many things- he loves his friends, he loved his family, he loved Quidditch, he loved Hogwarts and he loved his hair. He also loved a girl.

"Ok. Jesus. Ok," Lily said, exiting the room shakily, without a backwards glance. If she had looked, she would have seen the tear running down James Potter's face and dripping off his long nose, his eyes filled with agony, his heart hurting beyond belief. The snitch that he had clutched in his hand fell from his fingers, rolling under the bed, before spreading it's silver wings and taking flight out the open dormitory window. As he sunk down to the ground, he felt his heart do the same, slowly sinking into the pit of his stomach before vanishing completely leaving him cold and empty. His arms wrapped around himself and he released tears that he hadn't even known a boy like him could produce. He cried and cried and cried until he decided that there was only one thing that could help him forget about such pain.

Because, for James- fifteen, immature, and a child at heart- heartbreak was an agonizing slap on the face that he couldn't handle; one that awoke him to reality.

"TO QUIDDITCH!" James shrieked drunkenly, stumbling slightly, his bottle of firewhisky clutched in his hand, raised above his head, tilting precariously, "for being the best bloody sport in the world!" Murmurs of agreement followed this statement and the three other boys in the room drank from their bottles. The Marauders had snuck out to Hogsmeade to bring back drinks in order to celebrate the end of the exams. They had left some in the common room to keep their fellow students pleased and were having a mini party of their own. Peter sat on his bed, tilting his head against his bed post, Sirius was spread out on the ground, on his back, a cigarette dangling from his lips, one of his hands clutched firmly around the neck of his bottle, and Remus was sitting cross-legged on his bed, squinting at all of them through hazy eyes. Sirius lifted the cigarette out of his mouth and blew some smoke into the air above him.

"To Emmeline Vance's boobs!" he said. James smirked at his perverse friend but drank anyway because, in truth, her breasts were rather spectacular.

"She's in t-the year above us-s," Peter said with difficulty, squinting his eyes at Sirius. "Do y-you fancy her?" Sirius lifted his head slightly and chugged down the remaining contents of his alcohol before placing the empty bottle on his forehead, balancing it, and wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"No…" he returned the cigarette to his mouth and his dark brows furrowed on his handsome face. "I just…you know…wanna fuck her an' all."

"Good. Not going to happen, though," Peter said, snorting unstably. Sirius lifted his head in question. "She hates you," he clarified, pointing at Sirius triumphantly.

Sirius frowned as if he'd never considered this before and remained silent, puffing out some smoke from his fag. James suddenly grinned, stumbling to his feet enthusiastically, almost tripping over himself.

"Speaking of hating," he said grinning dopily, "I should've done this one waaaaaaaaaay before- when we weren't so smashed and all."

"We're not smash'd," Peter muttered indignantly. James ignored him.

"To Evans- Lily Evans!" he practically yelled. His friends sat up straighter, grinning in expectance. Remus sighed but smiled anyway.

"Lily…Lily Evans. Lily, Lily Evans…Pretty name, isn't it?"

Peter said, "Quite." Sirius shrugged nonchalantly, and Remus raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"To Lily Evans," James repeated as he grinned around at his friends, "for being a cold-hearted," Remus snorted, "prudish," Sirius giggled, "nosy little," Peter chortled, "bitch!" The boys burst out into appreciative laughter, clapping and whooping raucously. But James wasn't done.

"No, no, wait, wait," he chided. Sirius wiped a tear from his eyes, chuckling and Peter waited with glee for what James had to say. "To Evans- for hating me." The laughter stopped abruptly as their alcohol-induced hazy minds registered what he had said. James didn't notice their confusion. He fell onto the ground with a loud thud, crossing his legs, and pressing his bottle to his chest. Strands of his dark hair fell into his face as he looked downwards.

"I hate her," he whispered, his voice trembling. "I hate her for being a right old cow. I hate her for being a bitch. I hate her for coming up with wittier comebacks than mine. I hate how she's nice to everyone BUT me." His voice softened as his friends continued to gape. "I hate her for being so clever, smart, charming, lovely, and goddamn beautiful. I hate her for being perfect and amazing. But most of all," he said, looking up, his eyes watery, "I hate her for hating ME." He threw his bottle across the dorm room where it hit the wall and shattered into pieces. The boys turned away from the mess of glass and back to James who was now edging towards Peter, a wild look in his eyes. Peter squeaked and backed away, slightly afraid. "Why does she hate me, Pete?" he asked his friend in a hysterical tone.

Peter shrugged, scared for his friend. "Mate, I don't-" But James had already crawled away.

"I don'-don't want her to…" he leaned against Remus' bedpost before lifting himself off the ground and looking at his werewolf friend who was watching him with pity. "You know what I want, Moony?" James stage-whispered. He pulled Remus forward by the collar of his crisp white uniform. "I. Want. Her." He released Remus with a breathy giggle and fell back onto the ground his arms stretched around him.

"I want her anger, I want her passion, I want her everything…" he trailed off, choking on his spit and coughing, turning on his side and curling up, looking ready to pass out.

"I love…her….."

The dormitory was silent for the longest of moments before the gray-eyed Marauder threw his cigarette to the ground in shocked anger.

"Fucking shit."

James awoke from his slumber with a throbbing headache and a terrible need for a glass of water. He opened his eyes blearily and saw three blurry figures sitting at the end of his bed.

"Guys?" he muttered croakily, blinking in the sunlight and reaching around for his glasses. He couldn't remember anything from last night, but he was sure he'd remember in a few minutes. He crammed his glasses onto his face and blinked as he saw the pale, drawn features of his friends. Sirius, however, stepped forward; he looked livid.

"Ever planned on telling us, Prongs?" he asked coolly.

"Wha-" James murmured, confused beyond belief.

"How long have you been in love with Evans?"

It was as though someone had dumped a bucket of ice-cold water upon him; he was suddenly completely somber and awake, blinking, alerted. He wiped a hand over his mouth and jaw once, before trying to regain composure.

"Oh, come on, Padfoot, you really think-"

"How long, Potter?" And James had never seen his best mate so utterly furious. Anger was usually James' department, while Sirius was the indifferent one. He stared around at his friends who were all watching him with expressions that were a mix of fury and pity. All he could think about was that they knew.

He looked down at his hands and swallowed convulsively. "Since first year."

(Seventh Year; James, Thoughts)

He hadn't encouraged his own infatuation, James thought. In fact, he had tried to push it down with bitter quarrels with himself and inner monologues that only ended with staring at the redhead with devotion plastered across his face like a bright neon sign.

He wouldn't let her know. His pride wouldn't allow it.

It wasn't that she wasn't good enough for him. Because she was. She was perfect; and anyone would agree.

Smart, kind, clever, sweet, modest, and so beautiful…he sometimes wondered how other boys had escaped from loving her. She was the most wonderful creature he had ever come across.

It helped that she possessed a wit as great as his and was, refreshingly, not obsessed with him as many of the other girls were. His stunning good looks, his position on the Quidditch team as Chaser and Captain, and his perfect marks- almost straight O's, didn't move her.

An eleven year old couldn't love, is what he often told himself back then. How could someone so young be in love- a concept so foreign to those his age? He had sleepless nights, thinking about Lily bloody Evans and how he wasn't in love with her.

He came to accept it in third year. Of course, that's when the fights became really nasty.

Trying to catch her attention, he targeted her best friend who was also, James knew, in love with her. He had never hated anyone as much as he did Severus Snape, his competition.

How could she stand there looking so cozy with Snape on Hogsmeade visits, in the library, or simply around the castle? How could that ugly bat look so smug with her hanging off his arm, the two of them chatting amicably? What was so great about slimy old Snivellus that he, James Potter the Great, didn't have? He was glad they weren't friends. It was for her good, even if it had caused her pain, which he couldn't bear to see. Snape was a prat.

So, Lily Evans hated him, and he already knew he'd never be happy in life without her by his side. Not as a friend. He could never have her so close to him, just out of reach, without taking her in his arms, hugging her, kissing her.

People said he was selfless. But when it came to Lily Evans, he was completely selfish.

But Lily…she was worth being selfish over.

(Seventh Year; Marlene and Remus, One More Chance)

The small sound of someone clearing their throat brought Marlene out of her revelry. She was sipping pumpkin juice at the Gryffindor table, feeling terribly sorry for herself, and awaiting her stupid friends who had decided to take their stupid time.

She looked up and blanched. Remus bloody Lupin.

He was shuffling his feet against the ground in front of her seat, looking terribly ashamed of himself. Marlene resisted the urge to smirk.

He looked good; not as good as he looked on their 'date' but definitely more filled out in some places, and a bit taller. She raised a blonde brow in question when they had been staring at each other for a grand total of ten hours. (She liked to exaggerate.)

"I'm sorry," he blurted out. "It was a dare and I didn't have any feelings for you," Remus admitted. Marlene winced at his bluntness. For such a 'sweet' person, he sure could be cruel.

"So," Marlene replied, struggling to keep her voice under control. "Is that what you came to tell me?"

"No," Remus said, "I'm not done. I think you're being overly dramatic about this. Sure, it was a dare, but I like you and-"

"Wait..." Marlene began, her brows furrowing, ignoring his insult. "You...you like me?"

"Well, yes," Remus stated obviously. His darker brows furrowed over his chocolate eyes as he pondered her question. "You...didn't know?" Marlene shook her head.

"Well...well, that changes everything," Marlene said pleasantly, turning back to her buttered bread. When a moment passed and she didn't hear the creaking of strained wood, she looked up once more. "Well, aren't you going to sit down?"

Remus scrambled into the seat in front of her, smiling widely. Grabbing a roll, he grinned to himself. He knew there was a reason beyond the pretty face that he liked this girl.

(Seventh Year; James, Nathaniel, and Lily, Jealousy)

He wanted to smash his face into the ground and watch every single pore of his body bleed. He wanted to tear him limb from limb and then hang him outside Hogwarts like a flag of victory. He wanted to repeatedly beat him over the head with Alec Veirgil's Beater bat and send him flying into one of the Quidditch hoops. Nathaniel Felling was dead, beyond dead.

Atleast, in James' imaginary world, he was. In James' world, it wasn't Nathaniel fucking Felling sitting there and chatting happily with Lily Evans. It was he, James, who was in his place. In his mind, he had reached across the table and gently grabbed Lily's chin, dragging her lips to his. In his mind, they were already snogging, oblivious to the stares of the other occupants of the Three Broomsticks. But it was all in his head.

From where he was sitting, he had the perfect aim; he could hex Nathaniel straight in his chest. That pretty boy was doing it on purpose; reaching across the table to tuck Lily's silky hair behind her delicate ear, playing with her foot under the table. It was just to taunt James. But James had the upper hand. He could easily walk over there and ruin their date, perhaps mentioning how Lily and him had snogged and make up a bullshit lie about how they were in a secret relationship. That would send Felling running. Bloody prick.

James tore his eyes away from the 'pretty' scene and glared around at the people in the pub. They were doing their own things, not at all paying attention to the couple in the corner as they had been in James' mind. Of course, Nathaniel bloody Felling was too much of a gentleman to drag Lily's face across the table and snog her senseless. James was anything but a gentleman. Well, no, he could be one when he wanted to be, he thought.

What would it be like, he wondered, to sit across from Lily Evans and play footsies with her under the table? To have the feeling of her beautiful red hair curling around his finger as he tucked it behind her ear, gently brushing the soft skin of her cheek in the process.

He was so far gone, so in love, and it hurt too badly. He felt as though he was torturing himself, watching the two of them interact with each other, but she was there and she was so beautiful, and he could stare at her all day…

They weren't holding hands, he realized with a jolt, and as though this thought had floated across the pub and struck Nathaniel, the boy reached across to take her hand. And James saw the most wonderful thing he has seen all day.

Lily removed her hands from the table and placed them in her lap, looking away from her boyfriend. Her eyes moved across the pub and stopped on James, who she saw was watching her. A soft smile curled her lips upwards before Nathaniel, who had resumed speaking, distracted her. James' grin widened with sick satisfaction. Not only did she smile at him, she also moved her hands away. Perhaps…just perhaps…

James left the pub feeling a hundred times more happier than he had been before.

(Seventh Year; Peter Pettigrew, Beginning)

Oh boy, Peter thought, this is going to be an awkward year.

Peter Pettigrew, who enjoyed simplicity and practiced it frequently, was bewildered by the complexity of the relationship of James and Lily. On one hand, there was James who was head-over-heels in love with the girl and then there was Lily who despised him more than the Giant Squid. And now, here they were, thrown together to work as Heads. Peter felt a deep surge of pity for his best mate.

Now Peter, who had never been in love, did not know the extent to which James cared about the beautiful redhead. He did know, however, that it was probably painful. Peter hated pain.

Standing merely a few inches away from her, talking about the new year, while Lily avoided James' eyes shiftily and James stared down at her like he would like nothing better than to sweep her into his arms and snog her senseless.

Peter, who knew that James, under that tough, hard, façade of a man with temper problems, actually had a heart of gold, wished the best for his mate because, honestly…it was going to be a long and awkward year.

If Peter hadn't turned away from the scene as fast as he did, maybe he'd have seen, just as James turned away, Lily look up at the messy-haired boy, her eyes blazing with uncertain longing.

(Sixth Year; James and Lily, THE Confrontation)

James watched as the smoke swirled around the air and he savored the sight with an unfathomable expression. It was a rather windy night on the Astronomy Tower and the breeze would occasionally ruffle through his midnight black hair and his uniform, pulling at his sleeves. His robe lay discarded on the ground. It was nights like this that James hated the wind. Usually, it was a pleasant thing, feeling it breeze through his hair, especially when he played Quidditch. The feeling of being atop a broom was, really, indescribable. But when all he wanted was a peaceful smoke and gusts of wind kept blowing away the smoke spirals that were forming, the wind irritated him.

He stuck his fag into his mouth and unbuttoned his sleeves, rolling them up to his elbows. He had strong arms, Chaser arms, and large hands that were currently tugging at his tie, making it looser. When he was done, it hung limply around his neck and he took his cigarette back into his fingers, puffing smoke into the night in skillful bursts.

A sudden movement in the corner of his eyes distracted him, but he didn't turn. There was only one person in the world that could raise goose bumps on his arms just by being in the same room with him. And it sure as hell wasn't Voldemort. He suddenly wished he hadn't rolled his sleeves up. His goosebumps stood out like a masked Death Eater in Hogsmeade.

Blowing smoke into the night, he spoke to the presence behind him. "It's late."

The person stiffened; as if they hadn't realized that he had known they were there. They relaxed a moment later. "I know."

The last person he wanted to see right now (if he was being honest with himself, the first) was standing behind him and James was getting rather annoyed, being true to his temper. "What do you need, Evans?" he snapped. She placed her hands on her hips and moved into view, standing beside him.

"Potter, it's the Astronomy Tower. I can be here if I want to," she said, her chin lifting in stubbornness. James chuckled bitterly.

"I would have thought you would have fled in my presence, not wanting to be in the same room with me," he said, taking a chance and peeking over at her. She had shifted her position and was facing out over the balcony, looking at the same stars that he had been staring at moments before. The wind blew at her long hair, sending it whirling around her face like a fire. He took his time to admire the lovely picture before drawing his eyes away reluctantly. If truth were told, he was excited that she was still standing here with him. It was on a rare occasion that she stood near him by choice.

"Maybe I'm just giving you a chance to apologize," she murmured, still staring out into the blackness. His gaze hardened. She was referring to that night.

"Who said I would apologize?" he sneered. "Don't be self-righteous. You returned that kiss." She didn't deny it, but turned to him instead, her eyes shining luminously with some hidden emotion.

"Then tell me why you did it!" she demanded of him.

"Maybe I just wanted a taste of the ice queen, Lily Evans," he taunted cruelly. She raised her hand, as if to slap him, but thought better of it and dropped it immediately.

"You're right," she muttered. "I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I keep giving you chances, but you keep…keep ruining them!" she turned away, ready to leave his abominable presence but he turned from the balcony as well, removing his cigarette from his lips and facing her, glaringly.

"Not what you wanted to hear, Evans?" She paused for a moment. "What did you want to hear? Possibly…I love you?" She stiffened and whirled around to face him, looking angrier than he had ever seen.

"Don't be stupid, Potter," she snapped. "I could never expect love from you, the cynic, the most unemotional bastard I've ever had the misfortune of meeting."

James smirked, always glad to see her riled up. "Oh, but it's true, Evans," he drawled out, lazily, "I'm desperately in love with you."

She shook from head to toe. "Stop it Potter. I'm warning you."

"I dream about you all the time. You plague my thoughts, my every dream. Wet dreams," he whispered, his eyes glinting maliciously beneath his glasses.

She flew at him, but stopped herself and with a last glare, turned to leave again.

"But I really do love you, Lily." He didn't know why he said it. Perhaps, the expression of restless, unsatisfied anger upon her pretty face, or the fact that they'd probably never have a moment like this again. She stopped at his soft tone and the use of her first name. She turned slowly, her eyes wide and dangerous.

"Don't kid me, Potter," she said, her voice trembling.

James dropped his cigarette and crushed it beneath his feet. He looked up at her. "I love you."

She shook her head once, twice, and then narrowed her eyes. "You're lying, aren't you?"

James simply shook his head. The games were over; the cards were on the table. This was it. She could accept him, or she couldn't. He wasn't going to try (or not try) anymore.

Being Lily Evans, perfect, sweet, forgiving, she was sure to give him a try. But Lily Evans was broken. And not so forgiving.

"I don't want to run," she whispered, her wide, shocked eyes, still on James' face, "so I'll walk away."

James turned away. Of course. Of course. She would never love him. He knew it now, even the slightest bit of hope gone from him. She would never return his feelings.

"Fine," he said, hearing his own voice hardened with frustration and some hopelessness. He heard her retreating footsteps, soft against the stone stairway.

He also heard, a few seconds later, a soft sob. A few more followed it, but it faded away before James could really listen to the musical crying of Lily Evans.

(Seventh Year; Lily, L-O-V-E)

And maybe he had changed, or maybe she just hadn't known him, or maybe she had seen him but hadn't actually looked, or maybe, just maybe, she had loved him all along. All she knew was that James Potter was what she wanted; he was perfect for her.

He was perfect, sure; Head Boy, Quidditch Captain, top student…the list went on.

He was full of good intent. She would follow him to the ends of the world. Because James Potter was everything she needed, and sometimes, when she stayed up at night, thinking about him, she wouldn't think about sitting together in that living room in the Wizarding or muggle house with their children surrounding them; she would think about how maybe, just maybe, James Potter might be her soul mate and how she wanted to spend the rest of her years with him, exploring, having adventures, fighting for good, and fighting for their love. Because, if he loved her as much as she loved him…that was a lot of love for her to handle.

James had his flaws…after all, he smoked, bullied, pranked, drank, dueled, fought, was arrogant, and hated a certain ex-best friend of hers.

But maybe she loved each of his flaws. Maybe…she loved him.

(Seventh Year; Lily and James, Embarrassing But Expected)

So, maybe they weren't the best of friends. Sometimes, they bickered over the silliest of things, but she enjoyed every moment of it. The passion in his eyes, unrestrained and like a blazing fire, was the biggest turn on. Not that she'd admit that to anyone. Sometimes, she felt as thought he fought her for the exact same reason.

She hadn't told anyone; besides Marlene, that is. Which was a bit stupid, seeing as Marlene couldn't keep a secret to save her life. But who could Marlene possibly tell?

She didn't consider the possibilities, even when Marlene rushed in one day, flustered and claiming that she had a date with Remus after she had forgiven him.

Now, as she sat in Transfiguration class, fear overwhelmed her.

Marlene had told Remus.

She really doubted that Remus had spared this news from James. After all, it was exactly what he had wanted to hear for the past six years and two months.

She clutched her book with both hands, determinedly staring at the words upon it. Beside her, Marlene shifted uncomfortably. She had already apologized around a million times and Lily was starting to grow weary of her repetitive apologies. She expected another one any moment now.

"Look, Lily…" Ah, there it was. Lily turned to her best mate, before freezing at the newcomer that was standing just beside her friend with a grin wider than a moon river plastered across his handsome face.

"Hello, Lily," he greeted in his deep voice with a smirk. Lily moved her gaze back to her book, curtaining her dark red hair around her so he couldn't see her blush.

"Hello, James." She could hear him as he stepped around their desk, seating himself directly in front of her.

"I was just thinking…do you remember that night in the common room a few months back?" He was directly in front of her and could easily see her face redden. His amused grin twitched at his lips.

"What do you mean, James?" she asked through numb lips, resisting the urge to glare up at him. If there was one thing she disliked about him more than anything, it was his way of publicly humiliating people. Couldn't he have asked her nicely, after class? It would've been an easier way to handle the rejection that Lily was sure to come from him.

"Don't you remember?" he questioned innocently, a wicked grin erupting on his features. "I helped you with Transfiguration." By this time, the whole class was listening in and Lily's mind flooded with relief.

"Oh," she dropped her gaze to a paragraph below the one she had been skimming and furiously wracked her brain, trying to think whether this event had actually happened. When had she asked him for Transfiguration help?

"Well, it seems that lesson is going to come into use today. Animal Transfiguration." She looked up then, and spotted his perfect, straight, white grin and blushed. His smile really was stunning. His grin widened.

"So...er...what's this I hear, Lily? Remus told me something interesting this morning…" he said quickly sending a smirk over in that bloody Lupin's direction who, bless him, looked as though this were going not exactly how he had planned it.

"What did he say, James?" Sirius asked suddenly, sitting in front of Marlene, next to James and grinning mischievously at Lily. Lily averted her eyes to James and he smiled knowingly. Please…don't do this…don't crush all the respect I built up for you…

"Well, Sirius," James said, tilting his head in Sirius direction, his eyes never leaving Lily's head which was bent over her book. People listened in carefully. "He said that Lily, here, fancies me."

Excited titters broke out across the classroom and Lily set her book down on the table.

He had done it. He had done exactly what she had thought he would do. In the back of her mind, she wondered how she could love such a cruel person.

She chuckled bitterly, lifting her head up to meet his smug smirk. "You're right. Six long years of chasing really does pay off, huh? Finally succumbed to those charms you always spoke of." She smiled sardonically, feeling her eyes prickle with tears. His expression changed from one of cockiness to that of confusion and concern. It was almost the exact expression he had used that night a few months ago.

Their discussion had to come to a halt because, at that moment, Professor McGonagall entered, ready to begin her lesson. James reluctantly turned to the front of the classroom.

The whole period, Lily was on edge; she watched James' back most of the lesson, but turned when he felt her stare; she ignored his gaze when McGonagall moved about the classroom lecturing about animal transfiguration, ironically; she never said anything when he called her name once or twice.

At the end of the lesson, Lily stood up to gather her books together, watching as James hurriedly, crammed his stuff into his bag and turned to her.

His expression was uncharacteristically worried: "Look, Lily-"

"No. I don't want to hear what you want to say," she said, holding up her hand, her expression glaringly condescending. "How could you?" She realized, a moment after she had said this, that half the class was listening in on them. She lowered her voice. "I can't believe you could be so cruel…wait, who am I talking to again? Oh yeah, James fucking Potter. Of course you could be cruel." She glared at him and left the room, leaving him shocked at hearing her curse, and feeling completely put out.

"Prongs, you idiot," Remus chastised as the left the class together. James groaned.

"Goddamnit, Moony, I know. And if I hear you or your girlfriend call me an idiot one more time-"

"My girlfriend? Marlene?" Remus asked curiously. "When did she-"

"It's a long story," James said hastily. Sirius and Peter joined them a moment later and James ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Fuck. What do I do?"

Suddenly, he felt his brain working furiously, his mind buzzing at him to get a move on. "Hold on." A wide grin split across his face. "I think I have an idea." His grin faded slightly. "I just hope it works." He left his three mates wondering what hairbrain scheme their best friend had come up with now.

(Seventh Year; Lily and James, Same Day)

Lily sat at her usual spot at the Gryffindor table, sighing into her meat loaf. She ran a quick hand over her tired face. She bet she looked pale and weary because she certainly felt it. The spot beside her creaked slightly and she acknowledged Marlene's presence with a slight twist of her head.

"Lily, I am so-" the girl began for the millionth time that day. Lily rolled her eyes playfully.

"Hush, Lena, this isn't your fault. It was bound to happen. I mean, seriously…James Potter doesn't do nice. I don't even know what I was expecting…" she trailed off sadly as they were joined by Mary and Dorcas. "Hey there."

"Hey yourself," Mary said.

"We heard about what happened in Transfiguration," Dorcas said concernedly, wringing her hands together. Lily groaned.

"Is news really spreading that fast?" The remaining three girls exchanged glances of worry and Lily returned to her pie feeling gloomier than ever.

"Lily."

That voice. That deep, honey and velvet voice. One that sent her heart racing. One that made those cliché butterflies erupt in her stomach. One that, currently, angered her beyond belief.

"Potter," she said through gritted teeth. She almost felt him wince from behind her.

"Lily, listen. I'm…er…sorry for what I did."

"Save it."

"You have to understand…I need you to know…"

Lily finally turned in her seat, facing him and his dejected expression. Why did she suddenly feel bad for him? What was wrong with her?

"Potter," she started. She was startled and embarrassed to hear her voice crack, growing husky with emotion. "You really hurt me today." His darkened eyed flickered across her face as he read the truth in her words.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. It seemed as though news had spread around Hogwarts like wildfire. Now that the two of them were in the spotlight as Head Boy and Head Girl, people paid attention to them more than usual. Not to mention the fact that popular Potter was a Marauder, something that gave him all the more reason to be gossiped about. "That was stupid of me…" he looked as though he was having a hard time admitting that he was at fault, but it was his soft voice that made Lily flare up in anger.

"Oh, so now you're whispering?" Lily questioned angrily, tucking some of her coppery hair behind an ear and glaring up at him. "What happened to your 'inside voice' in class?" Placing her fork down on the table, she gathered her bag and swung it over her shoulder. "I'm sorry, girls, I don't feel up to eating at the moment. See you in the dorm." With a tight-lipped grimace, Lily marched down the aisle, feeling almost the whole lunchroom's eyes on her. She shut her eyes in annoyance.

"HEY EVANS!" The familiar phrase, used over and over again for the past six years before, struck Lily speechless and she froze, rooted to her spot. She didn't turn around, but waited. What was he up to now? A blush colored her cheeks as people began to abandon their food, turning in their seats to stare.

"EVANS," James continued to yell. Lily saw the rest of the Marauders enter the Great Hall and stiffen, watching their best mate yell like a lunatic at the girl of his dreams so that everyone could hear. "EVANS, I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN THE NICEST PERSON." Lily almost snorted. Understatement of the year; but what was he getting at? She shifted her feet, feeling slightly unnerved as everyone's gaze shifted between her and the Head Boy repeatedly, excited at the prospect of drama. "BUT…YOU KNOW ME WELL. YOU KNOW THAT I DIDN'T MEAN FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO HAPPEN IN TRANSFIGURATION." Excited chatter erupted as people confirmed that what they heard had actually happened. "IT'S JUST…YOU MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY, YOU KNOW? YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I NEED TO IMPRESS YOU." A soft cooing noise was heard from the females in the hall, but Lily was far from impressed. She turned around in her spot, still clutching the strap of her bad and stared at his hopeful expression incredulously.

"Are you blaming me for your arrogance, James Potter?" she questioned indignantly, crossing her arms and lifting her chin in defiance. An appreciative splatter of laughter was heard and even James joined in. The sound of his warm laughter made her lips twitch but she controlled her expression.

"Definitely not. I know you'd murder me if I did." She scoffed and more laughter rang across the hall. "No, what I'm saying is that though I might be a prat on rare occasions…" Lily lifted her brow. "Well, sometimes…" Lily raised both her eyebrows. "Ok, all the time, really." He admitted reluctantly. A few people chuckled. "Even though I'm a prat, I just want you to know that…you mean the world to me." This declaration was met with silence but Lily inhaled sharply, her arms limp on her chest. The rest of the hall meant nothing anymore. They were there, and in the back of her hazy mind, she knew they were watching listening, but why did it matter? "I probably couldn't live without your kind, witty, beautiful, and selfishly stubborn self." Lily's jaw went slack.

"Selfishly stubbo-what sort of apology is this?" James grinned.

"I never said anything about an apology," he countered cheekily. He walked forward a few steps, his eyes connected with hers, drawing them together like a magnetic force. She could feel her breathing quickening, her heart thudding loudly in her chest as he stopped before her. "And…" his eyes were intent on her face, watching her reaction, his grin slipped off and a desperately expectant expression replaced it, "…and I'm in love with you."

The words she had been waiting to hear for two months. Maybe before that. Maybe her whole Hogwarts life. Softly said, intimately voiced, but loud enough for the whole Great Hall to hear and for them to collectively gasp. Lily stared up at him, a simple, relieved smile on her red lips.

"Well, finally. I thought I would die waiting," she said with a dramatic sigh. He looked thoroughly surprised at this, his hazel eyes widening beneath his spectacles. "I love your charismatic, charming, handsome, arrogant self too," she said, grinning. There was a pause in which James digested her statement, his jaw slack in disbelief, his eyes swimming with hope, so much hope. A second later, a beautiful smile, his rare, disarming smile, unraveled upon his lips, lighting up his eyes and he let out a laugh full of relief, full of joy, that Lily couldn't help but join in. Releasing a whoop of exultance, he gathered her in his arms and bent down to press his lips to hers.

The whole hall erupted into cheers, but Lily and James didn't notice. Or if they had, they didn't stop snogging to acknowledge the noise.

For Lily, she had found her soul mate in the most unexpected of people.

For James…well, he had finally gotten through to her, and was enjoying the feeling of her soft, delicious lips against his.

(Seventh Year; Lily and James (and some Marlene), Kisses and Love)

It was easy, but it was hard. Often, she had to slap him on the face to tell him to stop pressing kisses to her neck or to stop caressing her waist in public. It was quite embarrassing, really. He, however, was persistent.

"Stop it, James, its frustrating when you do that when I'm trying to work," Lily snapped.

"Don't be so uptight, Head Girl. Nobody usually minds my kisses…" he added thoughtfully.

"Well, those girls you dated were only in it for the physical part." She snickered at his mock-hurt expression. "Don't pretend like you weren't either." He dropped his façade at once.

"You're right. That's also why I asked you out." He grinned, much like a boy, as she slapped her book to his arm and wrinkled her nose at him.

"Whatever. Do your homework."

James was not exactly what she had wanted in a lover, it was true. But she loved him all the more for it. Every one of his responses surprised her; everything he did was a shock. It gave her a thrill and she was happy to know that he got the same thrill from her. From the outer eye, they may have had the perfect relationship, but it wasn't so. And even though this was the case, Lily didn't want anything else.

So, when Marlene walked in on them sitting on the common room sofa, paused, blinked and smiled widely saying: "You two make a smoking hot couple!" and James replied, "No shit," deadpanned and rather rudely, tucking Lily closer under his arm smugly and staring down at her with all the admiration in the world, Lily did the only thing she could possibly do in this situation, happy and completely content as she was.

She smiled.

(First Year)

"Er…Sirius Black?"

"He's cute," Dorcas agreed, scratching her chin with her quill and giving Marlene a toothy grin, "Would you, you know, date him?" Marlene lifted her chin and shrugged indifferently.

"Possibly…but I've got my eye on Argon Dwight."

"Oh, he's cute too," Mary gushed. "But no one, and I mean no one is as cute as James Potter." Appreciative titters followed this declaration and the girls looked from one to the other, thrilled that they had found a subject to gossip about.

"I hear he's filthy rich-"

"I heard he has six mansions all over the country-"

"He plays Quidditch so well, he's going to be one of the youngest players on the team next year-"

"How about you, Lily? What do you think of him?" Lily looked up from her perch by the dormitory window, where she was painting her nails red and arched a brow.

"Potter? Oh, he's alright."

"Alright?" Mary asked incredulously. "Lily, he's beyond perfect."

Lily smirked: "You would think so, Mary." The girl blushed. "But seriously, it seems as though his personality might be just rotten."

"Oh, I don't know. He was the first one to befriend that total loner, Peter Pettigrew," Dorcas informed them. Lily looked rather impressed.

"Did he really? That's really nice. Well…well, I don't know him, really."

"Would you date him?" Marlene asked eagerly. "Come on, Lily, don't be a bore."

"Marlene, I don't even know the boy," Lily replied, laughing. "But I suppose, yes, I could probably stand to go on one date with him."

"Always the diplomat," Dorcas said with a grin. Lily threw a pillow at her face, which she caught, still grinning.

"Could you see yourself loving him? Marrying him?" Marlene asked; she was having too much fun teasing Lily with this. A red hot blush erupted on the small girl's cheeks.

"Marly, where is this coming from?" She covered her face as the girls laughed together.

"Oh come on, Lily," Mary urged playfully.

"Yeah tell us!" Dorcas said.

"Ok, ok fine." Lily rolled her eyes. " I suppose someday…I could see myself loving Potter. Not anytime soon…but…someday…"

But then, maybe, Lily thought as she turned away from her gossiping friends, maybe it was just wishful thinking.

After all, he was very cute.

ok, hope i got you guys to stay awake/alive during that monstrosity. peace and love to everyone. review if you feel like it or if your not dead yet. -shay