Title: A fowl evening

Rating: T

Characters mentioned: England ( Arthur Kirkland), Wales, Ireland(Eireen Keats), Scotland (Scot), Northern Ireland(Jack Kirkland), Hungary (Elizaveta), Austria (Roderich),America, The Fowl family, Butler, Holly

Pairings: USUK, Past Ireland/Hungary, Hungary/Austria

Crossover: With Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer

Word Count: 2340

Summary: Arthur really finds the company his sisters keep mundane most of the time but this time she has an interesting family over for dinner. Well, at least one of them is interesting.

Notes: This means they are speaking in a language only nations understand inherently. For Sweethearts Week

Disclaimer: I'm not rolling around in money - I own neither Hetalia nor Artemis Fowl; how I wish I would

When Eireen had pleaded him to visit her for once he didn't think he would find a perplexed family outside of her house that mostly seemed a bit frightened by the screams and crashes going on inside the house.

Knowing her she had invited him to throw some kind of family dinner with this family and while detesting him she could stand to be around him for more than twenty minutes and didn't ignore him like Norlin Airlann.

With Alba and Cymru she would clash at once and their entire meeting would deteriorate into a physical brawl and shouted insults like the ones sounding from the house meaning that either Alba or Cymru had come to bother her.

Sighing he felt the headache brewing and observed the mentioned family. There were six persons but perhaps only five of them were related. The man and woman didn't draw any attention from him, they were normal, and cooing over 3-year old twin boys. Arthur couldn't help but smile, they were cute – he liked children, sue him- , cute but just as normal as their parents.

The last son of the family, the oldest, however, set him on edge. He was pale and wouldn't England be able to know when he came face to face with a magical creature Arthur would swear he was meeting a vampire. Another oddity on this oddly dressed and interesting teenager were his eyes, one was a human blue, cold and calculatingly even though he attempted to fake polite interest, but the other one.

The other one was golden brown- somehow it was familiar and something was tickling on the back of his mind - and was magical through and through and the fact that this boy played around with magic was obvious because he positively reeked of it.

Arthur nearly grimaced. Humans practicing magic were more often than not hell to deal with. And not only the boy screamed magic but the gigantic man – had he a giant somewhere in his ancestry? - acting like a bodyguard did also. Well, no meaning in drawing it out he approached the family.

" I wish you a good day. Do you have any purpose here?" Arthur didn't want to seem rude but he better assured himself that his deductions were correct.

The patriarch looked up then and he was surprised that blue eyes stared back at him without the same intensity as his son's eye. Normally playing with magic runs in the family.

The man straightened his back instinctively and asked with a voice used to be given respect: " What business does it have with you? We were invited here by Mrs. Keats." Arthur smiled soothingly as to placate the insulted man – and really how fast was he insulted? Eireen's people certainly lived up to her – and reassured him quickly: " None, Sir. It just seems we are here because of the same reason." And he added realizing he hadn't given his name, " My name is Arthur Kirkland, Eireen is my older half-sister."

Relaxing the other man said. " Well then, I'm sorry for snapping at you but I'm a bit nervous you would blame me for these terrible screams at the house." He shrugged his shoulders and Arthur privately thought how he could have blamed these people when they were outside of the house and he knew the cause of this ruckus. Ah, well, he knew.

During his musings the man had introduced himself and his family but he only bothered remembering them as Mr. Fowl, Ms. Fowl, Twins, the son Artemis Fowl and his bodyguard Butler.

They were a rather rich family and Mr. Fowl and his sister had had business ties once years ago.

He watched the son and observed calmly how he was analyzed by the teen. Calculating made sense now, since Arthur knew that the only business his sister had her hands in was in the Underworld. Well, the human one.

England began chatting with Mr. Fowl to pass time ( " You have a different accent than your sister. May I ask where do you live?" " I was born and live in London. Would you mind telling me how Dublin is this time of the year?") and couldn't help getting annoyed by Artemis. He didn't exactly enjoy being dissected like a lab experiment gone wrong. Even if it only was a mental dissection.

Luck was on Arthur's side because he and the oldest Fowl began running out of topics to discuss – at least the ones they could without resorting to dirtier language- and in that moment the door crashed open and a swearing – mind you in Gaelic – and smoking redhead stormed out.

" Then I'll leave you to your oh so important guests, ya old maiden, and hope you drown in your dressing" he shouted to the woman appearing at the door and bolted. That was the only reason why he wasn't hit by the frying pan aimed at him.

" Good and don't you dare come back, you tosser" she screamed and glared at the vanishing redheaded man before noticing her guests. Eireen's eyes became big and round and her mouth popped open and stayed open.

Amused Arthur called out to her. " Sister, do you want to catch flies? If that doesn't happen to be the case please be so kind to shut your mouth. I know you have perfectly white teeth." His siblings were too amusing but he should watch out that Ireland didn't hang out with Hungary again or he would soon find himself facing a frying pan on a regular basis.

A snort alerted him that he wasn't the only one seeing the humor in this and he glanced at Artemis.

The lad held a hand in front of his mouth and still pretended to be a polite little heir. Right and he was Father Christmas. And the knowledge that Finland was responsible for Christmas was known world wide. At least to the nations.

Eireen flustered a bit before inviting them all in and he let the family go first.

The hallway leading to her dinner room was full of portraits and landscapes – either of Irish persons or Irish landscapes; narcissistic wasn't she? - and he listened to Ms. Fowl and Mister Fowl complementing them while the twins stared up at them in awe and then boredom. The lad looked at them with a calm eye and Arthur got the feeling that he stored the worth of them somewhere in his mind away.

Jack was waiting for them in the dinner room already seated and the food was put on the the table and Ms. Fowl asked if it wasn't cold. As if, his sister replied and after introducing Northern Ireland unwillingly as Jack Kirkland her other younger half-brother she told everyone to take a seat and dine. And everyone did so.

Northern Ireland appearing to be around ten played after the dinner with the twins and kept them busy. This left the older Fowls to talk with Eireen and he got stuck with the lad and his burly companion.

Artemis started the conversation with a softly spoken whisper. " So, Sir, my father talked all about Ireland, but how is it in England?" The lad's eyes shone with interest yet he could spy a suspicious glimmer.

" In England it is like it always is. So don't you worry , my lad." Arthur felt like breaking out in a grin – like his fool of a lover sometimes did – at the agitated look he received for this answer but stiff upper lip and all that.

This question-evasive-answer-game went on for a while and before he noticed it was ten o' clock.

As the bells were heard they stopped their conversations surprised. Ireland and the parents of the lad and his twin brothers were just as as astonished at the late hour and broke out in a fit of apologies.

When they searched for the boys to leave they didn't see them at first. But after a short while of searching the house they discovered the twins sleeping with Jack in his room. The Fowl couple and Eireen squealed and Ahweed at this adorable picture while he only felt slightly touched and Butler and his charge remained stoic.

" Well, if this isn't cute. Let them sleep I say and you can also sleep over if you want," offered the redheaded woman – reminding him of the question why were people so astounded when Scot and Eireen clash; they were both redheads with temper issues – but they declined politely declaring that they wouldn't impose on her any more than they already were and insisting on leaving with Artemis.

Arthur accompanied them and while they put on their coats and shoes they small talked a bit. Neither him nor the lad took part in it – and his ever silent shadow sure as hell didn't- but he got involved when his sister slyly put him on the spot by saying: " Ahh, yes the supporting of same-gender relationships. What is your opinion about that, dear little brother?"

Manipulative serpent, may her hair fall out and her skin wither.

" You know I support them, sister, after all my partner is a man, don't you know?" he purred and satisfied saw her take a tiny unnoticeable step back. It was always prudent to be on guard when England purred. What could he say he purred nearly all the time back in his pirat –he meant, his privateer days and we all knew how that turned out, didn't we?

The eyes of the Fowls all widened but only the lad's mismatched pair also glam with the new information on Arthur that could be used against him by the lad. And no, he didn't worry unnecessarily, he sensed that if the teenager could blackmail him he would. Tiny little bugger Ireland produced. Kind of like her faes.

Interested Ms. Fowl wanted to know if there was any difference between sex with a woman and sex with a man but he never got to answer because Eireen interrupted with a laughed " Of course it is different for him he plays the woman in his relationship and why wouldn't he? That boy he dates is a real diamond. Not very smart in daily life and hasn't his head screwed on right but academically and scientific very advanced and not forgetting to mention very strong and muscular." Giggling she added for Ms. Fowl's benefit. " The boy of my brother has also very big hands, you know?"

Blushing Arthur's protest came out in stutters at first before he came to a halt and started from the beginning.

" While yes I … bottom... I do NOT play the woman, you old wrench … in my relationship I do happen to top every now and then. In principle, you don't have to prepare women since they have natural lubrication and their … vagina is made for the act of something going in even if it hurts the first few times."

He took a breath and dimly contemplated blushing more due to the following words.

" When you have sex with a man the man receiving or bottoming – not playing the woman, that is the false term- has to be prepared diligently. If that doesn't happen he could suffer from internal injuries you don't want to think about. Also like the g-spot in the vagina of women a man has the prostrate, a gland inside of the man's behind that when pressed or stimulated shoots unimaginable pleasure through your body. Now I think I don't have to elaborate any more, do I ?"

Ms. Fowl's face was twisted in guilty pleasure while her husband's face was set in a kind of disgusted grimace and only Artemis and Butler wore a mask of indifference and neutrality.

The indifference in the lad's eyes sparked something in his mind but before he could follow that his insufferable sister murmured in the old tongue: " Oh my dear brother while I have no problems with you being a fairy – and isn't that such an appreciating term your lover made for guys like you – does it have to be America?"

At least she was discrete in her doubts about his partner, the boy England had loved for centuries, and was mostly polite. Why couldn't she have been rude then he could have repaid her back in the same tone. With narrowed eyes Arthur responded.

" With all due respect, Ireland, it isn't your business with who I'm sleeping with. You aren't part of the United Kingdom any more where you could have have the right to interfere. As it is my partner is my choice or do I have to remind you about your- shall we call your sexual intercourse dance? - dance with Elizaveta? I'm sure Roderich would be very interested."

Halfway through he switched back to English to relieve the lost humans of their confusion. They froze in shock and Arthur had shattered their image of his sister apparently forever. Oh my, what a shame.

Her entire face turned red and she would have started screaming if the Fowls weren't present but he guessed he could get rid of this burden for her so he smirked and pushed the the still shell-shocked out of the door wishing them a good night.

England remembered his flash of genius from before and called out to Artemis who turned back to him in reaction.

" When you see Holly again tell her she is always welcome at my house. Minty likes her and I know she loves my tea."

He smiled in glee as he observed the shock and slight fear wash over the lad's face and settle there. His smile wavered when his sister pushed the door shut and with a menacing glare began to rant. That was going to be an exhausting night.