The Top Secret Mission

By: Dean's Leather Jacket

Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0… if I did… I would make this really happen to Steve just to see how well Alex would play it!

A/N: This is a one shot in the "It Belongs in a Museum" and "My Name is Gladiator" universe of the Steve/Pen relationship. You don't have to read them to understand this, but, hey, I wouldn't mind if you checked them out! :)

Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett had organized and lead many a rescue mission, many a snatch-and-grab mission, and many a mission he couldn't even state the details... but he had never had to face this sort of assignment before.

And Steve was confused.

That was probably putting it mildly. Steve was fucking confused. Perplexed. Baffled.

Why was he totally befuddled, you may be wondering?

Well, he was confused about many things at the moment. The first being at what had come over his girlfriend. Yes, he was completely convinced that some malevolent thing had possessed her body and was masquerading around with her face.

She had snapped at him. Actually snapped at him… for nothing! He had only burped and she had bit his head off!

"EXCUSE YOU!" She had yelled at him, pinning him with the most heated stare that had ever graced her face. He had been so taken aback, he didn't reply with anything. And… he would never admit it to anyone… but the look had scared the shit out of him.

One minute she had been practically all over him during their heated make-out session and the next she was half way across the room ranting and raving about something or other, face completely red with anger.

And now… here he was… standing in the grocery store not far from his house… in the feminine care isle.

Holy fuck there were a lot of tampons.

Tampax, Playtex, regular, super, light… WHAT DID IT ALL MEAN?

"Boss?"

Steve looked to his left and saw Kono Kalakaua, a basket held in the crook of her elbow. Never had he seen such a more welcome sight.

"Kono," he sighed in relief.

Kono's eyebrows furrowed in her own confusion when she took full stock of where exactly her fearless leader was standing.

"Uh… what are you doing here, boss?" She asked.

"I… I don't know… it was awful! She… she…"

It took all of Kono's will power to not laugh her ass off. The man looked absolutely pitiable. He looked so lost, so puzzled, just no clue in the world.

"Are you… are you buying tampons for Pen?" Kono asked, failing to conceal the smile that she had been trying to fight.

"Yes… trying too," he replied.

"Do you need some help?"

He sighed.

"God, please!"

Kono laughed this time.

"Well… what did she say she wanted?"

"She didn't."

"Oh… well… have you seen the kind of tampons she uses before? A box under her sink or something?" Kono asked him.

"I think… I think it was pink."

That narrowed it down real well.

"Anything else?"

"I think the brand starts with a 'P'?"

"That's good! Then Pen probably uses Playtex, and it comes in a pink box," Kono said to encourage him. She reached forward to pick up a random box that had gibberish on it that didn't mean anything at all to Steve.

Steve didn't see how any of his descriptions helped. Sure, it narrowed down the possibilities slightly, but he didn't see how it singled out the one that he needed to get. And he wished Pen had told him exactly what she wanted. He was many things, but a mind reader wasn't one of them. He hadn't wanted to ask her though… in case she yelled at him again. He hadn't liked that very much… not at all. Steve had thought that the only ally he had in this situation was Ramses… but even the dog had run and hid somewhere. Terrified at whatever had taken over Pen.

"So… Gentle Glide is the way to go…" Kono was talking again, and it was a whole new language that Steve never learned. "… do you think she wants Regular, Super, or Ultra?"

The deer in headlights looked returned to her boss's face, and there came that urge again to laugh her ass off. He just shook his head, dazed.

"Here… take the Regular and Super combo pack. Can't go wrong with that," she told him, thrusting a different box into his hands. For a minute, Steve held the box at arms length, and the look on his face made it seem like he had just discovered the Rosetta Stone.

"Thanks Kono," Steve finally spoke.

"Not a problem, boss."

"I trust that… we can keep this between us?" He asked her.

"Of course… I never saw you her—"

"Steve? Kono?"

Oh Hell. Just when Steve didn't think things could get any worse. His partner, Danny Williams, had to come waltzing down the same aisle they were in. Danny was pushing a shopping cart filled with foodstuffs. He came to a stop a couple of feet away from them, and leaned casually against the cart. He had this satisfied smirk on his face that Steve had an urge to punch.

"What are you doing in this aisle, Steven?" Danny asked, in a sort of singsong kind of way. Steve gulped, actually gulped.

"Uh—"

"Why didn't anyone tell me we were having a meeting?"

The three turned to see Chin Ho Kelly standing at the end of the aisle. He had been cruising by, heading to the frozen food section when he happened to look and see his cousin, boss, and the haole cop standing together. He made a sharp turn to come and join them.

Steve groaned. Was everyone he knew going to show up?

Chin came to a stop next to his cousin, and he finally got a good look at the products that were around them.

"Uh… what are you all doing in this aisle?" He asked, like this aisle was the porn section in a movie rental shop.

"I think our leader, Stephanie, is buying tampons," Danny teased, one corner of his mouth up in an evil sneer.

Steve scowled at his partner and took a step toward him, but Kono placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Stop it!"

"What are you doing down this aisle?" Steve snarled at his partner. Soon to be ex-partner if the man didn't shut his wide trap.

Danny instantly stood up straight and got really defensive.

"It was the quickest way to the cash registers."

Steve raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Oh… really?"

"Yeah…" Danny replied, suddenly not able to look anyone in the eye.

"Are you a Ben and Jerry fan, Danny?" Kono asked him with a smile, and then Steve noticed the Phish Food that was tucked away in his cart.

"Yeah… I thought you liked Haagen Dazs more?" Chin pointed out.

"What… a man can't try something new?" Danny asked, his voice going up an octave. This was the tone he took when he was hiding something or lying about something.

"Well…" Steve began, his demeanor taking a drastic change. He clutched the Playtex box closer, stood up straighter, and spoke in a more confident way. "I'm buying tampons for my girlfriend. What are you really doing here?"

"Uh…"

Chin was uncomfortable. Thankfully, in his life, he had yet to be asked by any significant other to retrieve such items from the store. And right now… this was just really awkward. Seeing his tough as nails boss standing in front of an entire wall of feminine products… he just would have never thought. And to see his other team mate, about to do the same thing… unthinkable. But funny as Hell.

"I'm… I've got to go," Chin said. "I need to get a couple more things and then I've got to get home. See you guys on Monday." And Chin beat feet as quickly (but still keeping his cool) as he could to get his frozen dinners and to get the Hell out of there. He didn't need the image of his co-workers standing in front of the tampon section to be burned permanently into his brain.

"I should go too," Kono said. "I'm meeting Keanu later for some surfing. Hope that helps boss."

"Thanks Kono, I appreciate it," Steve said, genuinely grateful.

She waved good-bye and then started down the aisle towards the cash registers. Then, she turned back around.

"By the way… ice cream wouldn't be a bad idea to take back as well. The more chocolate-y… the better."

He nodded his thanks at the suggestion and she disappeared toward the front of the store.

"Pen's on the rag too?" Danny asked Steve, wincing. Apparently, his girlfriend, Kathryn, had Aunt Flow visiting as well.

Steve just shot his partner a look, reached into the cart and pulled the Phish Food out.

"I remember Pen saying this is her favorite. Thanks," Steve said, and followed after Kono.

"Hey, wait, Steve… I got that for Kathryn!"

"I'm sure there's more!" Steve shouted at him over his shoulder.

Danny huffed and then turned toward the wall o' tampons. He had a little more experience with this sort of thing because of Rachel… but Kathryn was a different woman, and therefore probably used a different type… he had no idea what to get her. And he didn't want to risk her wrath by asking her what she wanted.

Ten minutes later, Steve tentatively tiptoed into his house. He turned to shut the door behind him as quietly as he could (lest he wake the sleeping dragon), and then made his way to the living room. Pen was laid out on his couch (Ramses still nowhere in sight), blanket pulled up to her chin, and watching some movie with Drew Barrymore dressed like some Renaissance person. Tissues were on the coffee table in front of her, and she clutched one in her hand. Like she had been crying at the movie… Steve felt the fear rise in his throat again. He could handle anger… but could he handle other emotional mood swings?

Pen turned her head when she heard his approach, and Steve half expected her head to spin completely around, Linda Blair style. He winced slightly, but she smiled widely at him. Was this good? Or bad?

"Hi honey," she said, somewhat cheerfully.

"Uh… hey," he greeted back, not really knowing how to take this. He then held up the grocery bag. "I've got what you asked… and I got you something else as well."

He then pulled out the pint of Ben and Jerry's and Pen's face lit up.

"You are a god," she breathed, getting up off the couch and coming around to take the pint from him. Pen looked up at him and the look on her face made up completely for the terrible embarrassment he had faced not twenty minutes ago. She looked thankful and she looked happy with him. Which was a HUGE change from before.

"Want to share it with me?" She asked, still smiling at him.

He sighed in relief and smiled back at her.

"You sit down… I'll get the spoons," he told her.

She gave him a peck on the lips and went to resume her position on the couch.

What had Steve learned from this experience? When that time of the month came around, all he could do was go with the flow, take her mood swings in stride… and supply her with plenty of chocolate.