AN

Howdy there people! :) I was going to leave this story until after I had completed the Island fic, but have been persuaded otherwise by my partner in crack!fic crime, so here is a new story that I will be writing on the go along with the Island one! My chief aim is to make you laugh, snigger, chortle or even just smile! Please let me know if I have managed...

Disclaimer: I do not own characters, settings etc. they belong to Kudos, Monastic, BBC. No copyright infringement intended!

Ruth wandered down the stairs with unease, desperate to avoid another argment with her flatmate Beth. Just last night they had engaged in the most heated argument to date;

"Beth, when you have finished the milk can you put the empty carton in the bin please?"

"I thought it was you that used the last of the milk."

"No, it was you. You just made a milkshake."

"Huh, fair point. Okay Ruth."

Ruth shuddered as she remembered Beth's raised voice as she practically shouted her replies to Ruth (of course, it may have been due to the fact that the TV was up loud so Ruth could hear her documentary from the kitchen).

This morning, she was determined to patch things up with Beth. They would go for a coffee perhaps, visit a museum, have a long walk where they discuss the current tensions in the house. Eventually, they would move past it and go back to being-

"Are you opening my mail?"

Beth whipped her head round so quickly Ruth could almost see the whiplash. The younger woman fumbled with the various letters in her hands and unsuccessfully hid them behind her back.

"No."

"Beth, I can see them behind your back."

"No you can't."

"Alright then, who are you posting your posterior to first class?"

"Shit it!" Beth glanced at her bottom where, sure enough, a first class stamp was stuck.

Ruth took that moment to quickly grab the letters off of Beth, using expert skill and speed that she didn't even know she possessed. Perhaps she was one eigth ninja? Who knew!

Ruth rifled through the mail while Beth turned in circles, trying to unstick the stamp. Catalogues for shoes, dresses, more shoes, guns, her history magazine, her cat magazine, bills, a letter to Miss Ruby Bong-

"Who is Ruby Bong, Beth?"

"... the neighbour?"

"Huh, okay. Wait a minute-"

Ruth yanked out a letter addressed to herself that had been ripped open by the eager hands of her flatmate. She unfolded it with care and briefly scanned the contents.

Dear Miss Evershed,

Due to various conflicting letters about your current status of... living, we thought it prudent to send you an invitation to your sixth form reunion party on the off-chance you had not died in the Thames 4 years ago...

Ruth gulped as she read the letter. Not good.

"How do they even know my new address?" She asked aloud, confused.

"... Oh, yeah! My bad," Beth piped up, scuffing her shoe against the wooden floor.

"'your bad'? What did you do!"

"Well, I wanted to suscribe to this e-newsletter thing, but obviously I couldn't put my real name down or all my enemies would know where to find me! So I may have put you down as the addressee. Now don't be mad-"

"-mad! Beth, what on earth possessed you to put my name down?"

"Well I figured no-one would have a chance to get to you, you being a recluse and all, it's why you never leave the house."

"I'm a spy, that's why I leave the house sparingly and with caution! I'm not a recluse!"

"When was the last time you left this house?"

"I..." Ruth paused, trying desperately to think of an answer, "... yesterday!"

Her triumphant grin was wiped clean off of her face when Beth merely raised her eyebrows and replied;

"Not for work. For an actual social leisurely outing."

"Well, I- just, you- bollocks!"

...

"You're still mad at me, aren't you?"

It had been three hours and Beth was actually quite surprised that Ruth had managed to sit in stony silence with her back turned to her for so long. Maybe this is why the whole Harry and Ruth relationship was taking so long...

"I'm not mad."

"That would sound so much more convincing if you didn't mumble it to the cat."

Ruth remained silent and stroked Fidget.

"Look Ruth," Beth said, exapserated, "I opened it because I thought it was a terrorist threat."

That seemed to do the trick. Ruth turned around slowly, her eyes blazing. Okay, so maybe it didn't do the trick.

"You opened my mail because you thought it could be a terrorist threat?"

"Yes."

"What kind of terrorist sends me an invitation to a school reunion exactly?"

"Well, what kind of person sends you mail... ever?"

Ruth took a moment to ponder it.

"There was no anthrax in there then?"

"Luckily not. Now look, are you going to go to it?"

"I-I don't think so."

"Why not? You can go there and be all like 'hey guys, I'm a spy. I'm James Bond in a skirt that deals with analysing intelligence'."

"James Bond was MI6," Ruth sighed. How did this girl get into Thames House?

"Potato, Potato."

Ruth bit back a reply and decided to change the subject back to the matter at hand.

"I've never been invited to a reunion before. I mean, what if it's a trick?" She started to panic a little, "what if it is all those popular girls at school and they've set me up to humiliate me? What if I get there and it's a formal event and I win something and go up on stage and they pour a bucket of pigs blood over my head!"

"Well then you can just use your magical mind powers to kill everyone and destroy the place, Carrie," Beth replied succinctly, trying to lighten the situation. It wasn't working, Ruth was starting to hyperventilate.

"It's a big set-up! I know it"

"Ruth," Beth tried to calm the woman down, "if you're that sure of some sort of popular girl plot, then invite me!"

"What?" Ruth looked startled at the thought. She never willingly took Beth anywhere. No insurance company would go near her.

"Yeah, look at the invite. You're allowed a 'plus one'. Make me your 'plus one'. I can be your bodyguard! If the bullies start picking on you, I can cripple them. That's how I dealt with all my bullies when I was at school."

Ruth dropped her head into her hands and sat there silently bemoaning her existence. She had wanted to take Harry. Of course, it would have been a very awkward conversation and no doubt would have taken several attempts before she even got the question out... plus another seven attempts for him to understand her, but still. A lovely evening with Harry on her arm. They could have had drinks, discussed everyday things. She could have introduced him to her old class mates as Sir Harry Pearce. Then they could have finished the evening off with a bit of awkward, stilted conversation followed by a moment of hesitation at her door before he leaned in for a kiss and she, misinterpreting, shut the door in his face and broke his nose. It would have been magical.

She looked up at the eager, smiling face of a trigger-happy Beth.

"Fine," Ruth sighed. She feared for the lives of everyone showing up, including her own.

"Yes!" Beth punched the air excitedly, "now all we have to do is let Harry know."

Oh dear god, did the bad times never cease?

AN

Well there is the first chapter! Should I carry it on? Would love to know if I've done anything right or wrong! :)