He sat on the bed. Scrolling through old pictures of him and his boyfriend. It pained him that he was alone, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Moving to New York had been Dean's idea, and at the time it had been perfect. With him gone, the small, two bedroom loft seemed like the biggest place in the world.

He shut the laptop and curled him self into bed, tears welling up in his eyes as he feels around the left side. He drags his sleeve under his nose and charges to the bathroom. Picking up his razor, he throws it to the ground, watching it shatter against the tile. Picking up one of the blades, he palms it a few times before dragging it across his forearm four times. One cut for every tear that fell.

He woke up late the next day, squinting as his eyes met the afternoon sun. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he pulls himself into a sitting position, tugging at his sleeves, he sees the blood stains and know that today is a shower day. He pulls his shirt over his head and shuffles his way to the bathroom door to be interrupted by his ringtone.

"It's the only life you've got, so you've gotta live it bi-"

He picked it up, cleared his throat and tried to sound as if he hadn't been crying the night before.

"Hello?"

"Dude! I thought you were dead! You haven't answered any of our calls!"

He could hear Kendall in the background reprimanding Carlos for talking about death. He was happy to hear their voices. It had been a while since he's last talked to his friends.

"We miss you. When are you coming back to LA?"

"It's summer and the girls are hitting the beach...IN BIKINIS. Bikinis, bro!" He chuckled.

The truth, James did want to go back. He wanted to see his friends, but he didn't want to explain why he was gone. James was very much still in the closet. He had an excuse for everything. Him and Dean just got along well. He just wanted an adventure, so he moved in with Dean to experience New York. He wasn't planning on telling anyone that he and Dean planned on getting married.

"I know, bikinis, I'll come back soon, alright?" He hung up the phone and walked to the shower. He stripped off his clothes and threw them into the hamper. James scratched at the newly formed scabs on his arms, accidentally opening the cuts. He winced and watched as the blood flowed from his arm, down the drain. He sighed to himself, placing his forehead again the shower tile.

"JAMES!" Katie shouted, running over to the brunette to hug him. He opened his arms and leaned down to hug the small girl.

"Hey, Katie. I see you missed me." He laughed.

"Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. My brother's upstairs." She said, smiling as she walked away.

James walked into the lobby being greeted by a sarcastic smile from Mr. Bitters. He walked to the elevator, getting all of his luggage in before pressing the number six button. He closed his eyes, hoping his friends wouldn't ask too many questions when he walked in. He pictured all of the things that could happen if he told them he was gay.

They could hate him. They could love him more. They could be disgusted by his presence. He knew that they'd treat him differently.

The bell notified him of his floor and pulled him out of his reverie. The hallway leading to 2J never seemed so long before. Once he made it to the door, he knocked one time.

"Who is it?" Logan. James identified his voice immediately. He didn't respond, he just stood there. Logan opened the door, only to be greeted by James' pensive face. He smiled faintly, seeing his best friend of ten years for the first time in six months.

"DUDE!" Logan pulled him into a hug, forcing him to drop his things to hug him back. "It's good to see you."

Logan walked back into the apartment, leaving James at the door while continuing to converse.

"You coming in, or are 'ya sleepin' out there tonight?"

It was nice to be home. James looked over at Kendall who was seated on the couch.

"WELCOME HOME!" He said walking over to James to hug him, then grabbing his bags to bring to the room. Logan ran to help Kendall with James' things. Inwardly, James couldn't help but wonder where Carlos was. He'd been friends with all the boys since the third grade, but he and Carlos had shared a special bond ever since he saw him putting thumb tacks on the teacher's chair. It wasn't a great start to a new school, but it was a great start to a great friendship.

"Guys, Bitters raised the prices on the vending machines aga-Oof!" James turned around to stare at his best friend, collapsed on the floor on top of his last bag. He laughed to himself before extending his hand to help him up.

Back on his feet, Carlos lifted his helmet from over his eyes to see the man in front of him.

"JAAAMMEES!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, jumping up and latching himself onto James with the force of a mad cow. James laughed as he tried to stabilize himself. It had been way to long since he had last seen his best friend. It had been too long since he had seen all of his friends.