A/N: I've really gotten into writing :D It's really fun! I don't know why I only read before… Dumb, dumb me… Anyway, I hope you like this One-shot of Harry's summer before his 3rd year at Hogwarts. I read the end of CoS and it got me wondering. What would've happened if Hermione called first? ;) This is purely for fun. Well, fun for us. DURSLEY MOCKING TIME!

Disclaimer: Not blonde, British or rich, therefore not JK Rowling and do NOT own Harry Potter (sadly)

On with the story!

XxX eliizilla

PS. Forgive the EXTREME insane-ness and OOC-ness of the characters. This was written at 1AM while being hyper so give me a break.

The summer was getting almost unbearable after a few days at 4 Privet Drive with the Dursleys. Uncle Vernon was still angry at Harry for his escape last summer, Aunt Petunia was as disgusted with him as always and held her nose up whenever he was around, to make her look snobbish, no doubt. And there was Dudley. His great baby-hippo of a boy cousin, who acted differently to him. Dudley, wasn't rude to him, didn't kick him around this summer, but he wasn't afraid of him either. They were in that awkward not-talking-until-you-talk-to-me-first phase and no one wanted to take a step closer to the other. Harry, frankly, didn't mind. He never liked his family and was used to such treatment from them so he spent his time outside, away from the house or inside his room studying.

Today, he started thinking of his friends. His best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, had promised to call this summer, to spare him of another 2 months with his horrid relatives. He hadn't heard from them ever since they parted ways after arriving back to King Cross station in London where they left to go home with their families.

When Harry went down for breakfast, he found the kitchen empty, the living and dining rooms empty and the curtains were still closed. He wondered why the Dursleys were so late this morning, as they normally were up before him, except Dudley, who, being the most spoilt child in the world, liked to sleep in. Harry started cooking breakfast for the others, knowing fully well that if he didn't, he would get an earful about how he is a no-good, lazy, ungrateful little shit along with all the other things Uncle Vernon said to him to try and get him riled up so he would try to curse him, get another letter from the Ministry and then get him expelled. That was how things worked in this house.

By the time the first person came down that morning, Harry had already made bacon, scrambled eggs, pancakes, a plate of toast and set the table for the four of them.

"Morning," said Harry as he greeted his aunt. "Breakfast is served."

His aunt said nothing but sat down and started eating the eggs. Harry quickly brought over a few cups and glasses for the tea, coffee and orange juice. His aunt didn't even thank him before pouring herself a cup of Joe and looking brighter and more awake already. Harry decided that it was fine to join her and so they ate breakfast together in silence until uncle Vernon came down.

"Comb your hair!" he yelled at Harry as a greeting. He had been hearing that every single day of his life. Harry had been put into the care of his aunt and uncle when his parents, James and Lily Potter, were killed by this evil dude Voldemort. He tried to kill Harry but failed, which resulted in Harry having a lighting-bolt shaped scar on his forehead. It was occasionally hidden by the bangs of his messy, untamable raven-black hair, which he inherited from his father and above the emerald green eyes from his mother, behind a pair of round glasses, again from his father. Harry had always been a scrawny boy and even though he had grown a couple inches while being properly fed at Hogwarts, he still was the same scrawny little boy. Harry was built exactly like his father, had they been put next to each other, they would have been called twins. The only thing that was different was Harry's eyes, passed on from his mother.

Uncle Vernon sat down as well, complaining about things to Petunia, completely ignoring Harry's existence. He didn't feel bothered. Harry had to finish a lot of homework by the end of the summer and he wasn't sure how he would do it without the help of his super smart genius best friend Hermione. She was the best in their year, spent nearly all her time studying or in the library and was known to be the favorite of most teachers. His other friend, Ron, wasn't anyone in particular. He was just this poor, ginger kid with a big family who helped Harry get on to Platform 9 and ¾ for the first time when he went to Hogwarts in his first year. They had been friends ever since Ron entered his compartment on the train. They met Hermione soon after but they were only friends after the boys beat up a troll to save her. Ron was obsessed with Quidditch, a Wizarding sport, as Hermione was with learning. Harry could always trust his friends to make him laugh or be loyal no matter what.

Not long after Vernon came down, so did Dudley. The steps were creaking in agony as the fatso stepped on them. The boy's parents thought he was perfect, no finer boy anywhere. To them he was Ickle Diddykins, a 'little tyke', Dinky Duddyums and whatever else his mother thought of. Harry had a different train of thought when it came to his cousin; he looked like a pig in a wig, and if he didn't stop eating, he would be a hippo in a wig.

"What's for breakfast Mum?" he asked.

"Pancakes, your favorite, bacon, eggs, and some toast." She said with a creepy smile on her face. "Would you like some orange juice, Dudley?"

"I want everything. But can you move mummy? My favorite show is on." He said while turning on the TV in the kitchen. It was an end-of-school present for him because apparently 'the walk from the living room to the kitchen was too long.' Harry could see Dudley's 5 chins just bobbing as he shook his head at the channels.

The phone rang and uncle Vernon picked it up.

"Dursley Residence. How may I help you?" he asked, strangely polite.

"Are you really? Certainly! No, it's no bother at all." He quickly ran over to Dudley, who was too engrossed in his show to bother paying attention to his father.

"DUDLEY! There's a girl on the phone for you! She wants to talk to you! Turn that TV off and talk to her. It was someone called Millicent Bulstrode. She seems lovely. Do we know her? Is she pretty?"

Dudley feeling awkward as it was, took the phone and ran into the hall while Petunia and Vernon just skipped in circles singing "Dudley's got a girlfriend, Dudley's got a girlfriend…" The room kept shaking because of Vernon's weight and Harry felt like he was in an earthquake. He just watched them, his expression somewhere between shock and amusement.

Suddenly Dudley ran back into the room, his parents stopped dancing and singing, while he threw the phone at Harry while barely staying there long enough to say "She wants to talk to you." before running upstairs.

Harry sat there in shock for a second before slowly getting up to his feet and walking to his room where he could talk to 'Millicent Bulstrode' in private.

"Hello?" he said cautiously. No one had EVER called him before.

"Harry? Is that really you? I figured that lump had gone in shock because a girl spoke to him and hung up or something because there was a long silence but now I know he got the phone to you! How's your summer been so far? I've been dying to call you but I thought it was too soon." Said a female voice from the other line. The girl was talking very fast, as if she was a recorded message just being played faster until it becomes a jumbled mess of squeaks. She was somewhere in the middle, sort of understandable but still too fast.

"I just have one question for you, Hermione Granger," Harry smirked at being able to figure out his friend so easily, and at her efforts. "'Millicent Bulstrode'? Did you really want to be reminded of your Polyjuice fail?"

"Oh, was my name not good enough for the famous Harry Freakin' Potter? Is that so? Well it was the first name that popped into my head. Besides, Millicent was a fat ugly person too so it's kind of perfect, don't you think?"

"Yeah, totally purrrfect."

"Oh ha ha ha. Laugh all you want Harry Potter, but at least I am the one who knows how to get to talk to you. I tested Ron's skills at using the telephone and was completely appalled. He was screaming into the phone like there was no tomorrow!" she reminisced laughing. "After that, I decided that I should be the one to call you, before Ron gets phone-trained."

"Ok, you've made your point. What I want to know is what you said to my uncle and Dudley."

"Those two? They were a piece of cake. I put on a really innocent voice for the first dude, 'Um, hello. My name is Millicent Bulstrode. I am a friend of Dudley's from school. May I please speak with him? I don't want to be a bother.'" She said in a nasally voice. "As for your cousin, I simply said 'Hi, I'm a friend of Harry's. If you put that phone down I will hex your balls off. Now, my name is Millicent Bulstrode and if you don't give the phone to Harry, I will come to your house and actually hex your balls off. I have no problem with that. Now be a good boy and run along, why don't you?' and that would explain the terrified face he had, no doubt. I can be scary when I want to be."

"Yeah, no kidding 'Mione. That was really…Slytherin of you. Remind me never to get on your bad side." Joked Harry "Oh. I feel bad for Ron then." And they both burst into laughter. The joked around for a while before Hermione said her parents were calling her and that she would call him soon, under a different name, finding new ways to terrorize Dudley.