Beta'd by notboldly50295

Warnings: Mirrorverse, crude language and much use of curse words.

Note: For anyone concerned about the lingering state of 'The Vulcan Next Door' do not fear. It has not been abandoned. I'm just getting my writing legs back under me.

Shore leave sucked and it didn't used to. Six months ago he would have been having a great time whoring it up with Bones and Scotty, betting on who could fuck more ass and pussy before collapsing; Jim had been the reigning champ for three years running. Then Spock had been captured by Orion slavers and sold into the sex trade and everything had gone to hell after that. One look at Spock wearing a gold thong with green blood running in rivulets down his lean body from open lash marks while standing among dead guards and holding his erstwhile captor literally by the balls, and Jim had wanted that.

But he couldn't just take Spock. Jim was well aware that Spock could kill him easily with one hand. Spock had nearly done so on more than one occasion. Jim was only alive now because Spock had no desire for the captaincy. So Jim couldn't just order Spock to fuck him. No, he'd have to earn it.

The glaring problem was that Jim had no idea how to seduce a recalcitrant Vulcan who appeared to loathe him.

Oh, and one who was banging one superfine communications officer.

Jim didn't have a shot at winning Spock fair and square, which brought him to the reason he had snuck aboard his own ship without anyone being aware of his return. After securing the names of the active security detail for later execution, Jim went straight to his quarters to utilize the Tantalus Device.

No one knew of its existence outside of Admiral Pike, although Jim thought Spock suspected something, because try as he might Jim had never been able to catch Spock doing anything inappropriate. And that was the gist of his master plan to seduce Spock and get the fucking of his life: he was going to spy on Spock when he thought Jim was off ship and Spock's guard would be down.

Jim took a moment to caress the hidden compartment as it slid into view. It had saved his life many times but more than that, it had brought him hours of entertainment. The things he'd seen because of this stolen tech were so much better than anything his hacked net account could ever hope to provide. He'd seen Sulu reaming Chekov in the Jefferies tubes more than once. He'd caught Scotty jacking off against a bulkhead while cooing at the metal, and Jim could have gone without that visual searing into his brain. He'd seen Bones fuck his more attractive patients on a biobed or in his office, 'to be thorough, of course'. And on one memorable occasion he'd seen Uhura masturbate in her cabin. The Tantalus Device was the best gift anyone had ever given him…and now he could only hope to catch a glimpse of the real Spock and use what he discovered to get that Vulcan balls deep and soon.

Jim entered the command sequence and there were Spock's quarters and there was that bitch Uhura. Jim tried to control his anger at seeing her with Spock but he failed and shook with rage. Back before the 'Thong Incident', Jim had tried to catch Spock and Uhura fucking but hadn't been able to. He'd seen them working out, studying languages and even singing together but never a single naked activity. Now, of course, since it was the last thing he wanted to see, it would be thrown in his face.

Only, they were dressed and standing in the middle of the room. Jim watched Spock shake his head and cross his arms while Uhura pouted prettily.

'What the hell where they doing now?' Jim hit the audio and was rewarded with a huff from Uhura.

"Just do it."

"I refuse."

"Spock."

"Pink is an unacceptable color for one of your rank. Do you wish to appear weak?"

"Fine. Jesus." Uhura turned and rooted through a bag on Spock's table before offering something to him. "Is this to your liking?"

"It is acceptable, yes." Spock took the small object from Uhura and began shaking it as Uhura mumbled 'good' and launched herself at the bed.

Jim didn't know what he was about to witness but his cock twitched with interest as soon as Spock began to climb onto the bed behind her. He didn't want to see them together, didn't want Uhura anywhere near Spock at all, but he wouldn't pass on an opportunity to see Spock naked. But they weren't undressing. Uhura settled against the headboard while Spock sat cross-legged in front of her and pulled her bare feet onto his lap.

"No way," Jim muttered. His attention was riveted on Spock bent over Uhura's feet painting her toenails.

"So, tell me." Uhura said from her reclined position against Spock's pillows.

"I do not wish to discuss it."

"That bad, huh?"

"I said I do not wish to discuss it. How has your plan progressed?"

"Argh! Men suck."

"I have heard that some do."

"Ha-ha."

Jim was floored. Did Spock just make a dirty joke? Jim felt like his head was going to explode.

"Tell me what has happened. Am I required to kill someone on your behalf?"

"Not yet. I had everything planned perfectly. I wore the extra-revealing midriff and made this humongous sandwich for the bastard and do you know what he was doing when I found him?"

"I confess that I do not."

"He was fucking masturbating to the warp core! Can you believe that shit?"

Jim shook his head to try and settle this new information into place as Spock lifted one foot off his lap and bent over the other without responding.

"You're laughing at me.""I am not."

"Spock, I know you. On the inside you're curled up and giggling like a five year old."

Spock continued to focus intently on his task.

"Stop it!" Uhura kicked out with her free foot and poked at Spock's side which made Spock flinch as though he were ticklish. Jim made a mental note.

"I apologize, Nyota. The warp core, did you say?"

"I hate you."

"Lie."

"Okay. But since you laughed at me, now you have to talk about it."

Jim watched Spock's shoulders slump as he curled further around Uhura's foot.

"Oh, Sweetie. Really? That man is so dense."

"It is not his fault. I am not experienced in this field of interaction and am unclear how to make my interest known."

"Don't defend him. Right now he's probably whoring it up while you sit here dejected. I hope he gets the syph."

"Nyota!"

"Don't you glare at me! If you've done everything I told you to do then he should be aware. He's just a dumbass and you deserve better."

Jim watched Spock cap the nail polish and place it on the floor.

"Spock? You didn't do what I said, did you?"

"It is an impossible endeavor. I have accepted the fact that what I want shall not come to fruition." Spock said before adopting his best 'leave it the fuck alone' posture despite his position on the bed.

It was just too much for Jim to process. Uhura and Spock weren't fucking. Was it all just an elaborate ruse? If so then it was God damn brilliant. No one harassed or threatened Uhura because everyone feared Spock. Spock himself was free of any and all sexual advances because everyone thought he was taken. And Jim had never before seen this side of Spock. He was so fucking normal and relatable that Jim felt a little light-headed from it all.

And then there was the fact that Spock was interested in someone. A male someone. A male someone on this ship. Jim worried his head actually would explode from all that he'd learned in the past half hour. But, what the fuck? This was a hell of a lot more than he had expected to discover tonight.

Uhura tackled Spock down on the bed to pin him with her body and a fierce glare.

"S'chn T'gai Spock! I am disappointed in you. I laid out a very simple plan of action and you didn't follow it? You do realize you could be getting laid right now, right?"

"I did attempt to present my body in a stimulating manner. Also, I have not contradicted him in front of others for 2.8 weeks. But I could not. Nyota, it is difficult for me. I do not believe he finds me attractive. I am too Vulcan."

"Baby, you're a catch. If you'd just let him see all of you-"

"That is my goal."

"Shut up. If you'd let him see you like this, like you are with me, he'd fall so fast he wouldn't know what hit him."

"He does not want long-term monogamy. He quickly tires of his mates. I cannot risk it, Nyota."

"Coward."

"No."

"Yes. If you weren't afraid you'd walk up to him and say 'Jim, I'd like to fuck you. Are you amenable to this course of action?'.

Jim felt his head float off his body. He couldn't hear anything over the roar filling his head. Spock wanted him. Had wanted him for awhile. This was too fucking unreal.

Jim wasn't aware of anything around him until he was inside Spock's quarters and tossing a startled Uhura from the room.

"Captain?"

Jim couldn't respond. He was half afraid he'd hallucinated the whole thing but no, there was the tiny bottle of polish beside the bed. Okay then.

Jim rushed Spock and slammed him against the bulkhead. Spock only had time to grunt before Jim was kissing him, blocking all sound from exiting his mouth. He took his time enjoying the texture of Spock's lips and tongue against his own. Jim released a moan before fisting his hands in Spock's hair and biting his lower lip.

"Spock, I would like you to fuck me. Are you amenable to this course of action?"

Jim felt his cock swell as a full body tremor overtook Spock. A growl reverberate against his neck and then Jim was on the bed with an aroused Vulcan pressing down on him.

"Yes, Jim. I am extremely amenable to that suggestion."

"Then get to it, Commander."

At the sound of his uniform pants tearing Jim couldn't help but think that shore leave was fucking awesome.

The End.