COLD

5th MARCH 2011

AUTHORS NOTES

AU of Manga chapter 452 onwards- A very different meeting between Naruto and Team Samui creates a different reaction from Naruto.

This fic is a Naruto/Samui pairing, Drama/Humor/(kinda) Romance fic.

'This' means someone is thinking.

Italics alone means the name of something, i.e. Jinchuriki, Katon Jutsu.

Horizontal ruler (a line across the page) means a page break or timeskip, may be a few minutes, may be a few hours...

-X- means a scene change, i.e. we start with Sakura and Sai in a clearing, then we go to Naruto and Samui in her apartment- a scene change from a street to an apartment.

This chapter is the first of a two parter, the second should be along soon as this started out as one chapter before being split into two.

This story started out simply as Naruto/Samui smut. Later I came up with the idea of using the background to look more deeply at Naruto's childish (and often deluded) outlook on the world, his delusions regarding Sasuke and his dysfunctional relationships in general. This is meant to be dramatic as well as kinky and humorous. Sexual content is in the upcoming second chapter.

Disclaimer; I do not own Naruto or any of the characters or ideas involved. This is non profit-i am making no money from this.

As he and fellow leaf ninja Haruno Sakura briskly walked down the plain dirt trail alongside the Nakano river, Uzumaki Naruto couldn't help but wonder how and when things had gone so wrong...

His mind raced over what he'd been told in the past hour, struggling to find some way to fix the current crisis.

'Grandma Tsunade has been replaced as Hokage. The new Hokage is some geezer called Danzo (who Nagato said was a bad guy). Said geezer bad guy has made Sasuke a rogue ninja and given the order to have him killed. Kakashi-sensei's made some spiel about how Sasuke actually is a rogue ninja and that it is SOP to kill him. Sakura said she would see that creep Danzo in person so here I am to back her up! I have to stop anyone else from going after Sasuke! Only I can save him...'

After Naruto had firmly (and loudly) announced his declaration of not allowing anyone to go after Sasuke, Kakashi had warned him about not making a scene as the two remaining members of Team 7 took off to confront...

"Sai! We were just looking for you." Sakura declared to the troubled looking (to the keen observer) ninja artist.

"We want to talk to you." Naruto added, remembering the pale ninja in front of them was one of Danzo's personal soldier; the supposedly disbanded Black Ops organisation known as the Root.

"Please tell us everything you know about Danzo." Sakura demanded with her best 'determined face'.

-X-

Above the ruins of Konohagakure stood a newcomer to the troubled village; a curvaceous fair-skinned woman of tall stature and a truly remarkable bust. She had blue eyes and straight blond hair framing a lovely face with a shorter cut in the back and the front bangs reaching her shoulders. She wore a very low cut outfit with mesh underneath, a short skirt and red hand guards, high boots and what appeared to be a modified Kumogakure flak jacket that covered her stomach only, similar to a girdle. A well polished tanto was strapped horizontally to her lower back.

She was Samui; Jonin of Kumogakure, student of the Jinchuriki Killerbee, emissary of the Yondaime Raikage and a woman generally considered as having all the humanity and warmth of a Tetsu no Kuni winter.

The stunning woman stood in front of the Konoha Archive Library- as a former Kumo Ninja Academy book worm she was honored (and excited) to be in a place of such vast information and knowledge, and fortunate that since the building was located within the Hokage monument mountain, it was one of the few buildings to survive the recent invasion of Pain. Things were going well for the Kumo Jonin.

Too well...

'I have received entry to the Leaf village without problem, delivered my letter as ordered, received official authorisation from the current Hokage to eliminate Uchiha and now have access to the invaluable resources of this place...'

The kunoichi grimaced. Over the years many had become convinced Samui had telepathy because she could always sense whenever her sensei or team mates were doing something stupid. She was getting that feeling now.

'Why did I let those two idiots roam this village freely?'

She was well aware the new Hokage had agents following her; they were quite good at stealth but she still detected them quite easily using keen senses born from a past dodging the pranks of jealous and failed kunoichi. Her icy exterior kept her growing fears about her comrades hidden from them.

'Wait, what am I worrying about? Even they wouldn't be stupid enough to start trouble when all alone in an enemy village... would they?'

-X-

"Tell us what we want to know or we will hurt you!"

The threat came from Karui, Jonin level Kumo kunoichi and idiot team mate of Samui. She pointed a very long, well maintained Kumo standard long blade at the stunned team 7. The dark skinned redheaded kunoichi had demanded information on Sasuke in her usual belligerent tone and dismissive stance. Her male partner, fellow cloud Jonin and partner in idiocy Omoi, stood at her side letting the angry sword master dictate this extremely unwise move.

His training kicking in, Sai turned to an attack posture. Naruto was faster and snatched the Root member's tipless tanto from his shoulder holster almost faster than anyone could see the blond ninja move.

Naruto moved to defend Sakura by pushing her back nearly putting her on her ass and slashing at Karui's sword, knocking it up so hard to the hostile kunoichi it nearly felt like her arm would shatter.

Naruto pressed his advantage; dashing at extreme speed looking to elbow the surprised Kumo ninja into next week. Omoi on the other hand was quicker on the mark; he blocked the blond with a sheathed sword hilt to the elbow, positioning himself for his partner to regroup and attack. Karui used the momentum caused by Naruto's earlier tanto swing to leap into the air, land and swing horizontally at her orange clothed adversary.

"Take 'em down but don't cut them!" Omoi yelled to her partner hoping the violent woman wouldn't hack the leaf trio into pieces.

Karui was impressed when the absurdly dressed leaf ninja caught her damn near supersonic swing with ease between his hands right after a modified Kage Bunshin seal.

'Whoah! So that's how a guy survives dressed like that.'

Only seconds had passed since the fight started and the other members of Team 7 leapt in; Sai with a textbook kick that missed Omoi, and Sakura with a superpowered punch aimed for Karui that the incredibly fast Omoi cut off by kicking the medic flying through the air.

"AIEE!"

'Damn it! What am I, a training dummy?' Inner Sakura roared.

One Naruto went after the sprawling Sakura, the other (the clone) received a reverse elbow to the head from Karui who clearly didn't need a big sword to be tough.

The two cloud ninja leapt back into the river creating distance between the two groups.

Team Kakashi mirrored them and regrouped.

"Who are you? What do you want?" Naruto yelled.

Omoi looked at them, zeroing in on their headbands in a rare clear display of anger and disgust.

"Cloud ninja...? What are you doing here?" Sakura demanded.

"You were just talking about Uchiha Sasuke... we want to hear more about him." Omoi replied pointing at them.

"Why... what does it have to do with you cloud ninja?" Sakura yelled back.

"A lot! Uchiha Sasuke of Konoha assaulted our village!" Omoi yelled losing the last of his composure.

"!" The leaf trio were stunned.

A third figure leapt in between the two groups. Feminine, blond and busty. For a moment Sakura thought Tsunade had henged into a woman in her twenties again.

"Captain Samui! Wh- what are you doing here?" Karui asked nervously. 'Oh we're fucked...'

"I left a Bunshin at the Konoha Central Information Archive to copy all relevant information on Uchiha Sasuke. Were you fighting these Leaf ninja?" She leaned in dangerously.

"..." 'Oh damn, I don't need another lecture from her. They're so tedious I want to cut off my own ears-'

Omoi cut Karui's thoughts off; "What clone did you leave? Tsuchi Bunshin? Iwa Bunshin? Mizu Bunshin? Raikage Bunshin?"

Samui knew the male ninja was trying to change the subject. They weren't as stupid as they looked. Or sounded. Or acted.

"A Kage Bunshin."

"Ah. Kage Bunshin is easy for you Captain of course; a ninja of your level, also those massive tits double as massive chakra batteries don't they?"

Samui knew Karui was trying to provoke her to avoid responsibility for potentially starting a war with the Leaf by attacking ninja in their territory. It may actually be working as Samui noticed the Leaf ninja staring at her rather than their attackers...

She turned to the leaf ninja ignoring her team mates; "I must apologise for my team mates. They are idiots. An argument can be made they were sent into the Leaf village because the Raikage considered them expendable."

That wasn't true but Samui needed to convince the ninja her imbecile comrades just assaulted to drop any charges before this turned into an international incident. Hopefully the strategic bow she gave the two males would help- it never worked with females- except that one time...

Staring at the over-endowed woman in front of them, Sai couldn't help but think; 'How does she maintain her balance with those abnormally large breasts? Also, do large breasts function as chakra storage devices? I should ask about this...'

Sakura was thinking; 'Blond hair, huge tits, bad attitude, what is she a relative of Lady Tsunade or something?'

She turned away from the leaf trio and adopted her 'You are all idiots and here's why' mode of speech with her team mates- the dismissive, lecturing tone of voice actually didn't sound any different than how she usually spoke to the uninitiated.

"I left you fools alone for five minutes while I acquired a search warrant for all information on Uchiha Sasuke and you assault three foreign ninja in their own village? Apologise at once." She coldly demanded.

"Did you say Sasuke?" Samui turned to see a teenaged blond who (idiotic orange outfit notwithstanding) looked like a miniaturized version of the Fourth Hokage. Samui had a thing for powerful men, finding chakra levels much more of a turn on than money, popularity or good looks.

Her first thought was how much chakra she could sense in him.

"You're... so big..." She approached, staring strangely.

"I'm what?" Naruto yelled.

"He's what?" Everyone else yelled.

Her second thought was that given his choice in wardrobe and loud, annoying voice was that he was an idiot.

Her third thought was something that truly stunned her; he was looking her in the eye- few people- male or female could do that.

'Hmm, he might be interesting...'

"I assume you're the leader, your bearing and superior chakra reserves (the size I referenced earlier) indicate this." Samui subtly bent over hoping to distract Naruto with slight cleavage (slight meaning jaw-droppingly huge).

'My what now?'

"Err yeah! I'm the leader. What do you want with Sasuke?"

Samui made a very familiar handseal and a Kage Bunshin appeared from a puff of smoke. One of the voluptuous blonds turned to Karui and Omoi.

"Follow me to the archive, we have work to do." The clone took off without checking if the two ninja followed.

The original spoke to Naruto. "Can I speak to you in private? I believe your subordinates may be... a distraction." She ignored Sakura and Sai speaking as though they weren't there while subtly pushing her chest forward.

'Distraction! Who the hell does this walking cleavage think she is? Naruto if you go with this slut I will...'

"Alright then." Naruto agreed with Samui's suggestion unaware of Sakura's rage.

"Gkkk!" Sakura choked. Sai considered performing the Heimlich maneuver on her. Then thought better of what would happen if he got in that position with her.

Samui turned to the choking pinkette and Sai.

"I apologise for their behavior." She stated in her most sincere tone- perfected after years of apologising for her sensei and team mates.

"Apology accepted." Sakura smiled falsely.

'BITCH! I'll strangle you with your own freakishly sized boobs! Subordinates? Distraction? Who does this ninja hooker...nin-hooker, hook-ja, hooker-nin... think she is!'

Naruto and Samui had relocated to a nearby sentry house- it was empty so the pair went inside to avoid prying eyes and ears.

"One week ago the Kumo outpost of Unraikyo was attacked by a group of powerful ninja wearing the robes of the terrorist organisation 'Akatsuki'. We have one ninja dead, one wounded and one- our sensei- missing- possibly dead."

"What does this have to do with Sasuke?"

She paused for effect. "Uchiha Sasuke was leading the group. He was wearing the Akatsuki robes and assaulted the shinobi I just spoke of."

Naruto's heart froze in horror, his blue eyes widened in disbelief.

"W-wait. How do you know it was Sasuke? It could have been a guy Henged as him... to frame him!"

Samui shook her head, unconvinced. "No, the killed ninja- a man named Jei was killed by an extreme penetration Raiton jutsu. The wounds on the corpse match those known to be caused by Hatake Kakashi's Chidori and child techniques. Furthermore, a sentry (the wounded ninja) was taken down via high level genjutsu performed without hand signs; a visual genjutsu. A Sharingan trademark. Lastly, our sensei was wounded by the Amaterasu- a jutsu only accessible via Mangekyo Sharingan."

Naruto desperately thought of some way to explain away Sasuke's behaviour.

"W-wait. How do you know what jutsu the Mangekyo Sharingan has?"

"Through historical records, including the historic battle between Tsuchikage Onoki and Uchiha Madara at-"

"Wait! What do you know about Uchiha Madara?" He yelled in her face.

The woman's demeanor didn't change, but she was getting annoyed with the loud blond.

"We are getting off topic. The point is; a rogue Konoha shinobi killed a shinobi of Kumo and abducted another. Your Hokage has given us permission to eliminate Uchiha and had offered all available information on him. If you don't wish to assist us in killing a former Leaf ninja then I humbly ask that you do not prevent us from finding our sensei." She said the speech with no inflection or emotion in her voice or stance, but secretly she wanted to kick this annoying fool clear over the Hokage monument.

"Wait, you don't know Sasuke! He would never do this..."

Naruto (while in tunnel vision mode hence why he wasn't drooling over Samui's breasts) had just finished reciting an idealised version of team 7's history.

The busty kunoichi was not impressed.

"The thing with Sasuke was... at first I couldn't stand him. But later... I felt this need to chase him, to fight with him and get closer to him."

Samui hmmed at him. "It can't be easy hunting down your lover-"

"Whaaaat!" Naruto yelled.

'Men are so easy, just question their sexuality and they fall apart and tell you whatever you want.'

Samui continued; "This Sasuke abandoned the village, attempted to kill you- twice. He has fulfilled his mission of vengeance, yet not only has he still made no attempt to return to your village but has now joined a terrorist organisation that has committed violence against all five great powers. Yet you are making excuses and turning a blind eye to his transgressions. This is not the behaviour of team mates for the approximate six months you described. Since you are not related by blood I naturally assumed you were lovers. There is no stigma attached to homosexuality in Kumogakure-"

"I'm not gay! I'M NOT GAY! I'm really sick of telling people this!" Naruto screamed so loud he was sure they'd heard it in the next land over.

"Then why are you willing to go to such extreme lengths for Sasuke?"

"Because he accepted me-" "When did he do that?" Samui asked doing her best 'confused blond' bit. It was amazing how many men were stupid enough to fall for it

"When he said I was one the ones he wanted to fight the most... at the Chunin exams."

"That was an acknowledgement to your physical abilities, not a demonstration of affection. I have had people who openly despised me say similar things to me- mostly because they wanted to hurt me."

"It wasn't like that with me and Sasuke-" Naruto winced at how that sounded.

"What was it like? What did you see in Sasuke's heart?"

"I saw... wait, why'd you say it like that? You really do think I'm gay don't you?"

"No, I think you're so devoid of real human contact that any kind of attention, acknowledgement or affection causes you to convince yourself that you have some kind of profound spiritual connection with them."

"That's not it!" He yelled. He got up in Samui's face, angry. She remained as cool and composed as an ice sculpture.

"People fake emotions all the time."

"You can't fake what me and Sasuke had!" Samui's eyebrows rose in amusement. Naruto froze realising what he had just said.

"Really?" She put a hand on Naruto's head and pulled him in kissing him on the mouth.

"..." Naruto stood there too shocked to do anything.

Finally she broke the lip lock leaving Naruto standing there astonished.

"If I, a random stranger, kissed you, does that make me your lover? Your soulmate?"

Naruto stood there stunned. No one had ever touched him in this way. He didn't know how to respond- his brain had completely shut down.

Samui's hand shot out and grabbed his crotch squeezing gently snapping him out of his freeze.

"It is easy and cheap to give false affection. Let me show you how easily it is to give... physical affection."

END CHAPTER 1

AUTHORS NOTES

Lots of chatter here- i wanted to explain why there was no consequences against Team Samui even though in canon they committed an act of war against the Leaf by attacking their ninja within their boarders.

As stated at the top of the page this story started out simply as Naruto/Samui smut. Later I came up with the idea of using the background to look more deeply at Naruto's psychology; including his childish outlook on the world, his delusions regarding Sasuke and his dysfunctional relationships in general. There is full on sex (edited like in my other fic Domination) in the upcoming second chapter. This story is mean to be dramatic as well as kinky and humorous.

Samui's abilities- I didn't want to go crazy and give her some ludicrous powers like two Kekkei Genkai or a magic sword, I didn't want her to be a pushover though.

Tetsu no Kuni- Land of Iron- the land used in the Gokage summit. Depicted as an icy, snow covered country ruled by Samurai.

Nakano River- the river Team 7 and the cloud ninja fight at is never given a name- Nakano river was where Itachi killed his friend Shisui in canon.

Jinchuriki- Literally meaning 'Power of human sacrifice', the name given to humans who act as hosts to demons known as the Biju (Tailed Beasts).