Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. Only Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Master Plan.

Author's note: Yeeeeaaah! Woohoo! (Well, I should be embarrassed for it took me so long for this, but I really couldn't come up with something good). But here, dear Mitsuko-chama, is your request. Enjoy! (She gave me the sentence "Troglodytes are able to kiss girls, too!", and that's what I made of it^^)

Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Plan, First Act

Since about one week ago, Usopp had a new hobby.

He had discovered that it was, kinda, sorta, murderous fun to set their captain and navigator to fight. Which meant, making Luffy do something incredibly stupid to aggravate her and watch him being beaten up.

Normally, Usopp wasn't the type for malicious pleasure. Normally. But Luffy had destroyed his newly-constructed super-automatic monster fishing rod one week ago, and so the sniper had set up a three-acted plan to pay him back. Via Nami.

Act one had been just great. He had taken the rubber boy aside and told him how to rejoice the orange-haired girl: by going into her room, taking her underwear and strewing it all across the room. Then leading Brook the way to "Panty Paradise". That way, he could also get the skeleton back for having scattered his tools, a "prank" the bony man had actually thought funny. Well, it wasn't. And oh, he had gotten his payback.

Then, Act two of Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Plan. He had told Luffy to dab Nami's beach chair with glue, and ohhh had that worked! He hadn't even needed much effort to convince him. Luffy had had his fun – until Nami had caught him in the act, that is. She had been walking towards the deck coincidentally and certainly not because a certain long-nosed sharpshooter had told her Sanji was waiting there with drinks.

Act three was just about to be prepared. But in fact, Usopp was bored to stupidity at the moment. The fishes around here did their best to evade their rods – damn Luffy and his idiotic craze for destruction! – and his imagination was running wretchedly damn low these days. Which meant no fabulous ideas for new machines, no matter how long he watched Franky piecing together new inventions.

And that was why he immediately pricked up his ears when hearing loud clamour from the laundry room.

He almost clapped his hands. He was a genius, having stationed himself so near the room. Just when he had heard the navigator detailing Luffy to do the laundry, he had known that this was his chance for Act three of Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Plan. Awesome, that was both meant for him and his plan.

A-we-some! he snickered by himself and listened closely.

"You! You idiot! What's your use besides destroying things?" Nami shouted.

"I dunno what you mean! See, it's clean."

"Clean! But torn all the way down! Just how do you do that? Oh, I'll so make you pay for this!" Usopp could imagine Nami's face even without actually looking. Contorted by rage, crimson with wrath – all for Luffy. Really, Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Plan was barely needed to get Luffy into trouble. He already did it himself. But on the other hand, it was even more fun seeing your plans work out nicely.

"But Nami!" Luffy whined, and Usopp grinned. Now came the good part.

"Don't "But Nami" me, you idiot! You … troglodyte! A wonder you're even able to breathe by yourself!"

"Ouch," Usopp muttered silently.

"But!" Luffy dared to disagree, then paused. "What is a trogla– trogloda-thingy?" Usopp heard the curiosity in his voice and almost face-palmed. Really. That boy was not only stupid enough to contradict Nami in a fight. He didn't even recognise when he was being insulted.

"Troglodyte! Pre-human beings living in caves! Look it up in a dictionary! But probably you aren't even able to do that!"

Usopp stepped nearer and peered around the corner into the room. As he had imagined, Nami's face was an angry red. In her hands, she held a dress of hers – that means, a thing that had once been a dress. Now it hung from her hands in shreds.

Technically, it was Nami's own fault. She knew pretty well that Luffy's fingers were all thumbs when it came to all kinds of chores. And he was best at laundry and dishes ("best" meaning the absolute fastest and most thorough person on board of the Sunny when it came to shattering plates into pieces and either dirtying clothes or tearing them to shreds). Everyone on board knew that. Everyone. So why had she commanded him to do the laundry in the first place, especially when her own clothes were at stake?

Only right for Usopp. He inwardly rubbed his hands at the new material.

And it was not over yet.

"Well," Luffy said with his chin raised defiantly, and Usopp kinda marvelled at his guts. But then again, it was born out of his incredible stupidity, which was nothing to marvel at. "Trogla– uhh."

"Trog-lo-dy-tes!" Nami corrected on a hiss and tapped her food impatiently. Usopp wondered why she hadn't long since thrown everything that was in the room at their captain. Usually she was the type of person for such stuff.

"Troglodytes! Troglodytes are able to light fires!" he blurted, apparently unwilling to call it a day. Or extremely volunteering for a free beating. And of course, that idiot had forgotten about her temper again as he added, "That's more than you can do, you know."

Surprisingly enough, Nami was responsive. And not in her favourite "let's-play-punching-bag-and-I-don't-mean-me" way. She let out an annoyed sigh and waved her hand. "Yeah, well, I can use a fire dial. Problem solved. And you're still a troglodyte."

Luffy huffed and folded his arms. "Well! Troglodytes are able to take down elephants with one punch, and that's something you can't do!"

"That's mammoths for you! And they're extinct, so woohoo for your outstanding and extremely helpful ability!"

Luffy's mouth opened … and closed again.

"Yeah, thought so," Nami snorted. "Come back when you've found a better argument, Mr Troglodyte. I'm sunbathing."

Luffy scowled at her back as she turned around, her hair making a slight swoosh around her face. Usopp hurried to get out of the way as Nami stomped out of the laundry room – to get her bikini, presumably.

"Damn," Luffy pouted. "Why is she always winning?"

"Be glad you haven't been beaten to unconsciousness," Usopp chuckled by entering the room. "You're just so darn lucky."

Luffy just huffed, his arms still folded.

Usopp smirked evilly. He just had a master plan incoming. The one master plan. Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Master Plan. If that worked – and it would –, Luffy would be so sunk in less than one hour.

"You're just sooo darn lucky, my friend," he said and approached his captain who inspected his work (the laundry). "Because now Awesome Cap– uhh, Awesome Usopp has a plan for you to win that argument."

Luffy slowly turned his head towards the sniper. The way he looked now he really resembled an owl – not blinking, eyes wide open, and not moving. And very confused.

"Ah," Usopp continued, well aware that he had him on the hook, "you do want to win that argument, don't you?"

"Yes!" Luffy exclaimed and threw the pair of trousers he held in his hands on the pile with the other clothes. Usopp easily recognised them as Sanji's – and he easily noticed the large tear in the middle of the left knee. But that was not his cup of tea.

"Then tell me," he went on and barely suppressed his wide malicious grin, "how much do you want to win?"

Luffy didn't hesitate one second. "That much!" He clarified things by stretching out his hands so that they reached from one side of the room to the other.

"Okay, so you want to win that hard. I can tell you how to make her speechless."

Luffy's eyes grew even wider. "Tell me! Tell me, Usopp! Pleeeaaase!"

Usopp chuckled again. Luffy made it too easy for him. It was almost like stealing a puppy his toy, and Usopp was tempted to just leave it – remorse, you know. But then again, it was his Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Plan, and that plan was divided into three acts. He just couldn't help it. And now that it was Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Master Plan, he just had to pull it off. There was no going back now.

"Come on. I'll tell you. Listen, first you have to …"

And he explained it to Luffy. Detailed. Very detailed, so that misunderstandings were impossible. And with every word he spoke, he saw Luffy's expression grow more horrified. In the end he even worried if he would really do it. But he knew which buttons to push with his captain. He knew it all too well.

"Ewww!" Luffy shouted when he was finished, his face distorted in disgust. "Gross!"

Usopp looked at him intentionally estimating. "Well?"

"No way!"

"It's a pity … and here I thought you wanted to win so hard." He almost started to sweat. Sooo close. Take the bait … just take the damn bait!

"I wanna win!" Luffy said in a whiny voice. "But that's gross! I don't wanna do that!"

"You have to. I promise you'll win that argument. You'll make her speechless, and that means victory. Show her who's the captain on this ship!"

"Aww, but …" the boy pouted.

Usopp interrupted him. "Go! Go and win! You'll win that fight, Luffy! Just once! Do it!"

Luffy gave a doubting glance, and Usopp waited with suspense flooding through his body. He knew he had won. He knew he would do as he had told him. Ohh, Luffy was so sunk.

"Okay." Luffy turned towards the door with his face determined, and Usopp pumped his fist in the air behind his back.

Almost shivering with excitement, the sharpshooter followed him to the stairs where he patted his shoulder. "I'll wait here and back you up in case of emergency. But there won't be any. Just do as I've told you."

"Yeah."

Luffy went down the stairs towards where Nami was lying on her beach chair.

Ohh, that's gonna be just so good, Usopp thought as he cowered behind the railing. I wish I had a camera to record this.

"Nami!" he heard Luffy say resolutely, and Nami lowered her sunglasses with one finger. "I've got an argument!"

"Yeah?" she smiled sweetly. "Well, tell me so you can move your behind out of my sun, Mr Troglodyte."

Luffy raised his hand in the air and pointed at the sky with his forefinger in a lecturing pose.

Usopp pressed his own hand on his mouth. He really wanted to laugh out loud in pleasant anticipation of what he knew would come now.

"Troglodytes are able to kiss girls, too!"

And with that, he bent down. No, he practically flew down on her like an eagle going down on its prey.

Usopp saw her going wide-eyed as she realised what he was about to do. But he was fast. Too fast for her. He heard a muffled shriek as Luffy pressed his lips on hers, and almost exploded with glee in his hiding-place. "Ohhhh …"

He saw everything. E-very-thing. The stunned expression on her face. Her hands sprawled out to the sides in surprise. His hair tickling her face as he kissed her.

But the thing that was just about to come … would be so much better than this.

Usopp heard the wet sound as Luffy broke the lip contact and raised his head. He looked her in the eyes – all was going according to plan. To his plan. He had foreseen this – either she would have shoved him away and kicked him in the face, or she would be speechless (with which he would even have kept his promise to Luffy). He had taken preparations for that case. He had it all planned out, Awesome Captain Usopp's Sweet Revenge Master Plan.

He smirked when he saw Nami gaping at Luffy with her cheeks flushed, saying absolutely nothing.

And Luffy, that idiot, really did it again.

Slowly, he bent down a second time, meeting her lips in another kiss as she still gaped at him.

Five seconds at least, that was what he had told him. Five seconds. That should be enough for her to react.

One.

He saw Luffy taking up one hand to place at her cheek, to hold her head in place.

Two.

He actually moved his lips – well, okay. It would all lead to the same outcome.

Three.

Uh, well. He really moved his lips.

Four.

H-Huh? Was that his tongue? What the heck did he do? Extra effort to make the plan work, huh? Where did he learn that?

Five.

Give her time, give her time … she will react, won't she? Oh … God. It really was his tongue sliding into her still gaping mouth. What. The. Hell –

Six.

Luffy! Enough now, she's just about to beat you … Luffy, that …

Seven.

Where did that moron learn counting? Enough now! Enough of this … It'll work, It'll …

Eight.

Nami's hands twitched. Yes! Usopp cheered, ignoring his own momentarily pretty flushed face.

Nine.

Her hand went up … up …

Ten.

… and she wrapped her arm around his shoulders?

Eleven.

Gosh … That … That's really –

Twelve.

He wanted to shout out at him – but the words got stuck in his throat.

Thirteen.

Usopp gaped at the pair. That. So. Couldn't. Be.

Fourteen, seventeen, twenty …

He lost count as he watched their kissing grow passionately. And felt more and more like a voyeur.

By the time Luffy's right arm snuck under Nami's knee bend, Usopp had lost all his ability to think properly. He just gaped and wouldn't have been surprised to feel drool dripping down his chin. If he would have still been able to think. He just knew he was so short before a serious nosebleed attack –

Luffy picked her up without breaking their kiss. Her arm was still slung around his neck, pulling his head closer to her as if she wanted to crawl right into his mouth. The kiss grew more passionate with every passing second, almost fierce.

Slowly, they went towards Nami's room, ignoring one gaping and nosebleeding Usopp on the way.

As the door fell shut behind them, the sharpshooter decided never to lose a word about this whole incident.

Author's note: And …? Curious, curious! Comments please …

And please, tell me whether you want the 2nd about what-the-heck-are-they-doing-in-that-room to be T or M. You can leave it in a review or PM me, I don't care.