My Strange Saviour

She is gone. Only a moments ago her tiny, cold hand was in mine, but now I am alone in this dark room with only my memory of her, which is almost as vivid as her presence if not nearly as satisfying. I could go after her; perhaps if I stand outside her door I will hear her soft breathing. Perhaps she will wake, some transcendent part of her sensing my nearness, and I will take her by the hand again and burn this empty bed with a different flame.

Dear God, what is this hold she has on me? Oh, I know what it is to be bewitched, enthralled, paralysed by potent desire. But she is indeed a fresh change. Her fey eyes pierce my soul and I am helpless. I love my strange saviour.

When I returned to Thornfield I was bitter and blighted. Experience had taught me that I would never find my true Aphrodite, only Medusas and Pandoras. Then in my hour of need I encountered - not a sensual love-goddess, I have known too many of those, but - an Artemis, fair and distant as the moon. Or perhaps she is Daphne and I her grim Apollo, she Persephone, and I her loving, hopeless Hades. Indeed, I have led her into Hell, and am at this very moment contemplating the serving of the pomegranate!

I know am not worthy of her, and yet I must have her. She will be Beauty to my withered, craggy old Beast, save me when nothing else can. It is not only her body I want - although that longing will give me plenty of sleepless nights, I am sure. I want her hear, her beautiful intellect and tender soul. Marriage: that is all that will content me. Never mind that the union will be feigned, never mind that I will be a criminal, a bigamist: to have Jane by me every night and day of my life, to know that she bears my name and will be entirely mine until death - for that I will risk anything.

As I drift toward sleep a voice speaks to me. I know not whether it is a figment of my troubled brain or the voice of the God with whom I have quarrelled and broken. Nor do I care, for I will not heed its advice.

'Fairfax Rochester,' it whispers, 'guard your tormented passions. Choose another course before you strip your guardian angel of her wings.'

But I will not destroy her. Just as she will make my happiness, I will find a way to make hers. We must sin to love each other, but I have known what it is to live loveless, and know that to avoid a love as deep as this would be a greater sin by far.