A/N: DO YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEONE DID? They left a one. Friggin. Word. Comment. ONE WORD. That was it. I was ready to strangle someone. *Eye twitch starts up* That aside, I am a sick, twisted person. Isn't it great? Anyway, parody. If you hate Twilight, laugh along with me. If you love Twilight, read this and let me prove you wrong. AU, and during the book where Edward leaves Bella. Whichever one that is.

Disclaimer: Let's all take a moment and thank God I don't own Twilight. The world would be a much scarier place if I did. Oh, the possibilities of glittering vampires and werewolves with anger management issues.

Team Jakeward

Jacob groaned as he heard the obnoxious roar of Bella's ancient truck rumble up the rocky driveway. He swore, if he had to spend another day entertaining that depressing bag of cat poo, he would spontaneously combust. Nonetheless, he put on his fake smile and strode out the door to meet said bag of cat poo.

It would go the same as always. She would have that apathetic face on, and he would lead her to the garage where she would sit and watch him build a car for hours. Then she would go home. And the next day it would be the same. Over and over and over and over. He couldn't stand her. She was, to put it bluntly, boring. She never had anything to talk about, no skills or talents, no real childhood to tell stories about, no friends to gossip over, didn't even watch Jersey Shore. She was the biggest wallflower ever.

The only joy Jacob got from his time spent with Bella is that it gave him time to think. He could just ignore Bella's whimpering and ponder the only thing he wanted to think about. His one true love. Jacob knew Bella liked him, and he didn't care. The only reason he flirted with her is because there was nothing better to do. It was the only time she showed any emotion, so he had to take advantage of the fleeting moments of entertainment.

Jacob wished he could see his love again. His love was away, but a day didn't pass when Jacob didn't miss the object of his affection. Of course, Bella never noticed. She was so absorbed in her self-pity, she never bothered to analyze Jacob when his eyes glazed over, or he would use the excuse of the bathroom to stare at photos of his soul mate. He doubted Bella would even notice if he wore a big flashing sign that had the name of his lover on it.

Maybe he should do that. Just to see her reaction. He could probably find a large enough piece of plywood. His dad might still have Christmas lights in the basement. Screws and bolts could hold the lights on, and if not, duct tape. The solution to everything. He would arrange the strings of lights into big letters.

It would say, "I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN."

[Insert page break]

Edward Cullen wandered the humid forest, lithely dodging a venomous snake. He jumped from tree to tree, keeping his hands in his pockets the entire time. His face was a sullen rock of lack of emotion. To the casual bystander, no one would be able to tell he was daydreaming about his one and only love, no matter what Bella thought. She was actually the reason he had to leave his Jacob. He wanted her to leave him alone, so he decided to 'break up' with her, even though he never really wanted to be with her. She was so clingy and she had decided, without his consent, that they were a couple. He had left Bella some time ago. He hoped it had been long enough for her to get over him and find someone else. Soon, he would be able to see his warm, fuzzy werewolf again.