Chapter 5

Dean is doing what, in hindsight, he should have done straight after Hell consumed his brother. He's going to Bobby's. He's been such a fucking idiot.

Things are over with Lisa. They never should have begun, really. Dean's just grateful that it finished on a fairly amicable note, and she's said that he can stay in touch with Ben. Dean feels guilty enough about Ben as it is.

Dean had been a complete moron. He'd thought, somehow, that if he tried hard enough he'd be able to have a normal life, he'd be able to forget who he was and all that he'd seen, and he'd be able to forget about the hole in his heart. It hadn't worked out, big surprise. He'd been able to play-act for a while, but sooner or later the cracks had begun to show. He started drinking more. He couldn't get a job. He started to fight with Lisa, which mostly consisted of him yelling about how much he honestly, really, truly did want this life with her. Because she and Ben were the family he'd always thought that he should have. It was what Mom would have wanted for him. He'd really been trying to convince himself.

The final straw had come when Lisa got home from a yoga class to find that Dean had drunk half a bottle of scotch and was tearfully singing along to Meat Loaf's 'Love You Out Loud'. After he'd slept it off, Lisa had told him that they needed to talk.

"Who the hell are we trying to kid, Dean? You and I both know this isn't going to work. This… this isn't who you are."

Dean hadn't been able to argue this time. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are."

"I just… I just wanted a family. And I thought that it was you, but…"

"I think you might already have a family," she'd said. "Just… just not the one you thought you were looking for."

The worst part was, she would have been right. Only now Dean's family has been torn apart. Bobby is all he has left, and he's sure as hell not going to lose him too. He's playing music loud in the car, singing along so that he doesn't have to think, so that he doesn't have to remember. Yeah, he'd promised Sam that he'd try to be have a normal, happy life, but… but Dean isn't normal. And it hadn't made him happy. And there's no way he's going to leave Sam to suffer the same torments that he'd gone through. Okay, so he won't make a deal this time – that's one Winchester family trait which doesn't need to be revisited – but there has to be another way. He'll… he'll get in touch with Crowley. He could get in touch with…

But no, he can't do that. Cas has gone home now, and there's no way that Dean's going to bother him. It's too painful to think about Castiel. He's fairly sure that the angel never knew about the dream Dean had had. Dean had worked so hard to block the thoughts from his mind when they were together, tried to be relaxed like he used to be. After all, it hadn't been the real Castiel he'd been with. It had been a figment of his imagination, and there was no point trying to project that onto real life. Castiel hadn't actually said those things to him. Still, losing him had been… unbearable. And no matter how hard Dean tried, there was no way he could forget. He still keeps looking over to the passenger seat, thinking that maybe Cas will suddenly appear there like he used to. But he's gone. Wherever he is now, wherever in the wide stretches of the universe, he's out of Dean's reach.

He can still remember the last time he saw the angel. He hadn't even been able to look at him because he had known that if he had he wouldn't be able to stop himself breaking down. He had to keep up that wall. He had to pretend that he didn't care. And what was he supposed to say? 'Hey, Cas, I know that you've miraculously been allowed to reassume your angelic form and you're able to go back to Heaven, the home you thought you'd been banished from forever, but the thing is that I've fallen stupidly in love with you, so… would you mind sticking around?' There was no way Dean was going to be that selfish. And so he had let Castiel go.

He still had Bobby. And Bobby still had him. This is his life, and Dean isn't going to run away from it anymore.

Dean pulls up at the end of Bobby's drive, and kills the engine. The sudden silence scares him a little, and Dean is suddenly very aware of the space between himself and the stars, and how much emptiness there is, and how small he is, and how much distance there is between him and his lover. Because now that Cas has gone, Dean is free to think of him in that way. Dean is free to pretend that it really had happened. He can pretend that the night he and Castiel had spent together in the world that belonged only to them had been real, and that Cas was his, and that things had been perfect, just for a minute there. He had to hang onto something.

Dean gets out of the car, closing the door quietly behind him. There's a light on in Bobby's front room, so he knows the hunter must be home. He'll go up there in a minute, but Dean needs some time, just a little, to collect his thoughts. Funny that after feeling so achingly lonely, the thought of company suddenly doesn't feel quite so appealing.

Dean closes his eyes and leans back against the Impala. He can hear the way the trees are stirred by the breeze, and the crickets, and the sound of the distant highway. He knows that it's a beautiful night, but that doesn't mean much to Dean any more. Beautiful.

Dean's not entirely sure how long he stands there with his eyes closed, mesmerised by the sounds of the night. But when he opens them, Castiel is standing two feet away from him.

"I wondered how long it would take you to get here," he says. "We have a lot of work to do."

Dean feels like he's been paralysed. "You… you can't be here," he manages to whisper.

Castiel tilts his head to one side. "Why?"

"Because you went home, you…"

"I am home."

"No. No, I've gotta be dreaming. This can't… Cas, you left!"

"I made a promise. I told you that I would be with you until the end, and it's not over. Besides, I… I don't belong there anymore."

Now Dean knows he's definitely dreaming. And it breaks his heart all over again, just when he thought there was nothing left of it to break. But then, if this is a dream, why does the burn Dean got on his hand from the exhaust pipe yesterday still hurt? And why is he a little bit hungry? And why isn't he waking up like he usually does when Castiel comes back to him? "Is it really you?" he asks, not quite able to keep his voice steady.

"Yes." Cas looks at him uncertainly, and Dean can see him debating what to say. "Dean, I know we never spoke about what happened. I thought that maybe you'd decided that… that things would be easier after all if we weren't… Dean, I don't blame you for that. But I meant what I said. Everything."

Dean is feeling a little faint now. "What are you talking about?"

Cas looks uncomfortable. "I'm talking about… about what happened. When you were trapped in the other worlds. Between us. I know you probably don't want me to bring it up again, and I won't, but I need you to know that I—"

"Wait! Wait, wait, wait. No, that… that was a dream. None of it was real, Cas! I dreamt the whole thing! I wasn't in any other worlds, I just fell into some kind of… weird coma thing. It was all in my head, and we never… we didn't…"

Castiel takes a step towards him, and Dean can't speak any more.

"Dean. Do you know that the structure of the universe and the structure of the human brain look almost identical? They are composed in exactly the same way. This is no coincidence. Just because something happens inside your head… it doesn't mean that it isn't real."

Everything starts to spin a little, and Dean is glad that he's being propped up by his car because otherwise he's fairly sure that he'd fall over. His ears are ringing. This is… God, if Dean wakes up this time, he'll die. Things like this don't happen to him. He isn't this lucky. It occurs to him that Cas is still talking, and he struggles to refocus.

"—understand if you don't want to mention it again. I know that you want things to be different, and that you're with…" He can't even say her name. "I understand. But… but if there's any way that I can be in your life, then… then that's enough. I can't leave. Not anymore."

"You… it… it was real?" There seems to be something wrong with Dean's tongue. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I saw that you were trying to block it from your mind. I thought you didn't… I just wanted to make it easier for you. Dean, all I want is to be… something to you. It doesn't really matter what, just—"

"I thought it was a dream," Dean says, and his voice is so small. "I thought it wasn't real, and that you'd never…"

"I did. Do."

"It's over with Lisa. It was never… I just wanted to forget. It was too fucking painful to think about it, and I thought that maybe I could… but I couldn't. And it's been killing me for months because I thought that I'd made the whole thing up, and…"

Castiel moves even closer and lifts a hand to gently touch Dean's face, making it impossible for Dean to say anything else because it feels like there's something in his throat. Cas is looking like him as if he's the only thing in the world, and it's so good that it's painful. They're so close, and Dean can hardly breathe, and he knows that any minute they're going to kiss, and he might just die from that. But then something weird happens. An owl screeches, and it makes Castiel jump.

Dean leans back and looks at him searchingly. "Cas, why are you… Oh, shit. You're human again. What did they do to you?"

Castiel smiles. "They didn't do anything. I was given a choice – either take up my former place in the hierarchy of Heaven and forget everything that passed here on Earth, or… or become one of you."

"But… why? Why would you… I mean… it's your home."

"Not anymore."

"But… Cas, do you realize what you're… how could you choose this?"

"I did it for you. Because otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep my promise."

"Shit, Cas! You can't just… you can't put this on me! This is… I don't want you to give everything up!"

"I'm not."

"But… why? I mean, you were an iangel/i. An angel, Cas! Why the hell would you just give something like that up?"

"Because I love you," Castiel says simply. He says it like it's easy, like loving someone isn't the scariest damn thing you could ever hope to do, and it's just too much.

Dean doesn't want to start crying, he really doesn't. It's not going to do any good, and it's just going to make him look really lame. He knows all of this. But this is too much. He's so tired and so confused and he thought he'd lost everything, and he feels horribly guilty, but mostly it's because no one has ever loved him like this before, and it's just so completely terrifying and wonderful and unexpected, and he just can't quite cope with it.

But then, it's okay. Because it's Cas, and he's holding Dean so tightly, and it doesn't matter that Dean isn't strong or brave or smart. All that matters is that Castiel doesn't let go now or he'll fall; but Castiel will never do that.

When Castiel kisses him this time, it's completely different from before. There's no hesitation, no uncertainty. This time, Cas knows exactly what he wants, and he clearly isn't afraid to enlighten Dean of this fact. It's all desperation and hunger and thinking they'd never have this again and the feeling that if they ever stop something will tear them apart again and neither of them would survive that a second time.

Dean fumbles behind him for the handle of the door to the back seat, and opens it clumsily. The two of them practically fall inside, and it feels like they might just kill themselves if they don't look out.

"Hey," Dean says breathlessly, "you're not going to make the windows explode this time, are you?"

He feels Castiel smile against his neck. "There's only one way to find out."

"Oh, to hell with it," Dean says, feeling slightly delirious from what Cas's hands are doing. "How much does glass cost anyway?"

"No more thinking," Cas whispers.

After that, there's nothing but warmth and flesh and love and love and love.

…

"I don't think I can move," Dean says, his head resting just over Castiel's heart. He can feel it beating, slowly returning to a regular rhythm.

"So… We didn't break the car. But I may have broken you."

Dean laughs softly. "I'll live." This has all happened so quickly. And it would all be completely wonderful if it wasn't for the nagging sense of guilt that's coming back to him now. Castiel has sacrificed everything. For Dean. And he's terrified of the day when Cas regrets his decision.

"Dean, you have nothing to feel guilty about."

Dean frowns. "You… you can still read my thoughts? Because I'd appreciate a little warning."

"No, I can't. I just know you. I don't want you to feel responsible, Dean; this was my decision."

"I know, it's just that… Cas, I'm so scared that I'm gonna let you down."

"You couldn't. Dean, you mustn't think that I made this choice without consideration. When I came back, I didn't expect anything from you. I just… I just wanted to be a part of your life again, that was all. And now that we have this, it's… it's more than I ever hoped for."

"But when you were human before, you hated it. And it's only a matter of time before—"

"Dean. I knew exactly what I was getting this time. I know that it will be hard and painful and frustrating a lot of the time, but being human… it has its perks. And if you'll be here, I don't mind the other stuff. I won't care about growing old if it's with you."

"But what if something happens? Cas, if you get hurt, or… I won't be able to forgive myself. And you know there's only so many times you'll be able to pull this resurrection shit. I mean, the last time you were human you got yourself blown up, and—"

"So you'd rather that I stayed there, all alone through the vast ages of time? Yes, I was an angel, but… but you taught me to feel like a man, and that isn't something I can just forget. I told you before. I know now why people would be willing to sacrifice all they have for moments like this, and I will stand by that. I know what I'm doing, Dean. I would… I would rather have ten minutes of wonderful than a whole lifetime of nothing special."

This makes Dean look up. "Dude… are you quoting Steel Magnolias at me?"

Cas raises an eyebrow. "Perhaps. Are you saying that you know Steel Magnolias well enough to recognise when it's being quoted at you?"

"No, I… Shut up."

Castiel pulls him close again.

"Spongebob Squarepants and Steel Magnolias… what am I gonna do with you?"

Castiel's fingers are tracing patterns in Dean's hair, and it's unbelievably relaxing. "Things will get better," he says.

"Hmm."

"Tomorrow we'll find Sam, and then we can—"

"Wait, what? Cas, much as I hate to say it, but I think finding Sam is gonna be a little more difficult than that. I mean, you might have been able to mosey into Hell once upon a time, but I'm guessing that it won't be so easy now."

"Sam isn't in Hell. He came back."

Dean is instantly awake again. "What?"

Castiel looks a little guilty. "That was one of the things I came to tell you. But then you… distracted me. I'm sorry."

"But… how? And if he's back, then why didn't he come find me?"

"I don't know. Those are questions that only Sam will be able to answer. But we need to find him first. And then everything will be—"

"Better," Dean finishes. Because Castiel is right. It's going to be hard and painful and frustrating, but Dean knows that he can cope with it. Because Castiel's back, and Sam is back, and they and Bobby will find him. He'll get his family back, and if there are golden moments like this in Dean's future, he can cope with anything else life throws at him. Castiel has brought him back to life in so many ways; he's the last thing Dean ever thought would happen, and he's changed everything, and now nothing will ever be the same. The thought makes Dean smile.

…

It's fairly safe to say that Bobby Singer is not a man who is easily surprised. He's seen just about everything, good and bad, that life could possibly throw at him. He's seen hellspawn and angels, and he's fought them both. He's seen men come back from the dead, more than once. Hell, he's even done it himself. There's nothing that could shock him now.

And so when Castiel turned up on his doorstep last night, very much human again, telling him that Sam was back from the dead, Bobby took it all in his stride. He invited the former angel in, put him in one of the guest bedrooms, and made him some mac and cheese. And then when he noticed Dean's car pull up at the end of his drive, and Cas hastily said that he would go and tell him the news about Sam, Bobby just shrugged his shoulders. And when he wanders down there the next morning and sees Dean and Castiel wrapped up in a blanket on the backseat, sleeping in each other's arms like two children, Bobby smiles. About time, he thinks. The tension had become almost unbearable – there was only so much more eye-sex he could have taken.

Bobby goes inside to put on a pot of coffee and fry up some bacon. They've all got a long day ahead of them, and when those boys wake up they're going to be hungry.