"Directing the Misdirected"
by: WaterShadow
Disclaimer: I do not own or propose to have had any input whatsoever in the creation of Masashi Kishimoto's manga, Naruto, nor do I claim any profits therein. Unfortunately.
Chapter One: The Accident
"It'll be fun, trust me!"
"Your ideas of fun leave a lot to be desired, moron."
"Watch it, bastard..."
Umino Iruka, school teacher extraordinaire, listened with apparent good humor at the banter between his former pupils. The good humor was always present whenever he was with Naruto. He had looked after him like a much younger brother for as long as he had been a teacher. However, the good humor vanished quickly as his fist bopped the slightly shorter (Naruto had done quite a bit of growing these past few years) young man on top of his skull, and poked Sasuke in the side simultaneously.
"Naruto, watch your language! Sasuke-kun, don't insult him," Iruka intoned in his no-nonsense voice. "Now, I agreed to come along and witness this experiment, but I'll leave if you two continue to prod each other into fighting!"
Sasuke subtly moved his arm so it did not look as though he was favoring it, and Naruto moaned and held his head in a considerably more obvious fashion. Neither gesture meant to inspire guilt mattered to Iruka. He hadn't hit either of them hard enough to cause lasting harm or to incur retaliation. He definitely didn't want to be retailiated against.
He was also amused at the mental picture such a situation created. It would be funny how it would look when the hypothetical case in question was dragged in front of the Hokage. What would the defense be like? 'Sorry, Hokage-sama, for attempting to teach two of the village's premier chuunin some actual manners?' For a moment, the pleasant expression on Iruka's face returned and shone with some additional amusement.
"Come ON, Iruka-sensei! You'll really like this!" Naruto, already an example of high energy even in a village as physically active as Konohagakure, grabbed Iruka's arm and attempted to chivvy him into a slow trot, as opposed to the fast walk the three of them were already doing.
"Come on, mo-Naruto," Sasuke said, catching a small warning glance from Iruka and stopping the insult just in time. "We're already less than a minute from Hokage-sama's office, and you will survive until then."
Moments like these, when his former student Uchiha Sasuke remembered that he had words and could actually use them without hurting himself, were what Iruka lived for. He thought he'd burst with pride. Or curiosity, Despite his unchanging pace, Iruka truly did want to see what surprise awaited him in the Hokage Tower.
"I know, Sasuke, I know," Naruto said, almost bouncing as he walked. "I just can't wait, is all!"
Iruka smiled. "Naruto, don't worry," he soothed, even as they reached the stairs and the first set of guards to Hokage Tower. "We'll be there as soon as security clears us to go in, and then you can surprise me as much as you want."
"I'm also taking you out for ramen later as a treat," Naruto added, almost as an afterthought, while being professionally patted down by an impassive man wearing ANBU gear.
Iruka retracted his previous observation. With the mask being made of chakra-infused porcelain, there was no way the man in question could be anything but impassive without either removing the faceguard or performing a truly astonishing henge. He did smile widely, even as the search-treatment he received wandered into areas that he'd need a few dates and shots of sake to actually justify. "Ramen too? Wow, this must be special," he teased. Having been given curt nods to signify their permission to enter, Naruto and Iruka patiently waited for Sasuke to undergo the same treatment before beginning the climb to the Hokage's office.
Several more checkpoints of increasing scrutiny and chakra later, they arrived at the Hokage's door, with the ever-efficient Shizune standing outside to personally welcome them in. She bowed politely, and they bowed in return. Iruka stepped forward out of habit to take half of the paperwork she held. "Always a pleasure to see you, Shizune-san," he said, while carefully removing the portion of her armful that seemed in most danger of falling after she'd straightened from her bow.
"Thanks, Iruka-san," Shizune said in relief. "I sometimes wish I had another arm to deal with these!"
"Trust me, I know the feeling." Iruka glanced toward the shut door of the office. "Might Hokage-sama see us?"
Shizune nodded and carefully tapped the door with a sandaled foot in a measured pattern. Seemingly by themselves, the doors swung wide. Even though all three male shinobi present felt the chakra doing the work, it was still an impressive sight to see those intricately carved doors moving inward (defense tactic, said the ever-alert part of Iruka's mind, to limit inward view and give the Hokage time to prepare in case of attack) at a slow and decorous pace.
The teacherly part of Iruka's mind decided that, come hell or high water, he WAS going to learn that jutsu today. He could remember several times in the past week alone where being able to open a door without having to free a hand would have been of supreme use.
The Hokage, Tsunade-sama herself, was leaning against the desk, arms crossed under a bosom Iruka had heard described as nothing short of miraculous. Iruka himself would have preferred she would cover it more, but he knew better than to ever say that out loud.
"Well, come on in," Tsunade said impatiently, jerking her head toward her desk. "We haven't got all day."
Iruka and Sasuke stepped in, bowing and murmuring perfectly respectful greetings. Naruto came right in and familarly hugged the most powerful woman in the Fire Nation. "Oi, baa-chan, haven't seen you in a while," Naruto said, grinning broadly.
A perfectly manicured hand came up and precisely flicked an index finger at Naruto's forehead. The boy staggered backward under the gentle-appearing blow and lost his grip on the apparently-young woman. "Manners, boy," Tsunade murmured, before reaching out to tousle spiked blond hair. Undetered by her gruffness, Naruto grinned at her, and Tsunade grinned back.
"Kakashi-sensei, why are you here?" Sasuke said out of nowhere. Both Naruto and Iruka turned to face the window Sasuke faced (chakra-infused glass made them as strong as concrete, murmured that warlike corner of Iruka's brain), and sure enough, there stood the famously infamous (or infamously famous) Copy-Ninja, looking relaxed as he slouched against the (one-way) window.
"To see the show, of course," Kakashi drawled, the words coming out slowly. Getting words and explanations out of him, Iruka knew, was like having to constantly coax a cat to come one step closer from a distance of fifty feet away.
"The show?" Iruka said in confusion, turning to Naruto. "Is this the surprise you were going to show me?"
"Sure is, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto fox-grinned at him. "I created a new jutsu!"
Iruka's response was predictable. "You did? Oh, wow, Naruto, that's great!" Pause. Intake of breath. Regroup. Faint beginnings of suspicion. "What does it do?"
"I helped in its creation, Iruka-sensei," Sasuke said, taking up the verbal ball. Iruka felt the need to mentally regroup again. He thought he had heard Sasuke speak more in this one day than he had for the entire time he had known him. "What it does is create a mind-block in the subject to prevent them from even considering lying. We figured it would be more helpful and less harmful to the subject in interrogation."
Iruka then smiled warmly and gave out more praise where it was due. "Excellent job to you as well, Sasuke-kun." Another pause. The suspicion grew. "You did test it, right?"
"On a few people," Naruto said. "We thought you'd like to try it out for yourself as a subject!"
"Oh, no, now Naruto, that's not a good idea-" Iruka started to say, panicking for a brief moment and holding his arms out.
"Don't worry, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said in that peculiar slow speech. "It doesn't hurt, but it can feel pretty odd."
The jounin's vote of confidence about having undergone this mysterious jutsu didn't make Iruka feel at all better.
"Sit down, Iruka-kun," Tsunade invited, holding out a chair for him, something Iruka dimly perceived as a great honor.
"I don't think I want-"
"Come on, it'll be fine," she urged. "You don't have anything to hide, do you?"
"No, but-"
"Then it's fine," Naruto said, starting to go through some seals. Iruka pulled his arms in and crossed them across his chest in a self-defense gesture that he knew was entirely futile.
Naruto completed the last seal, and looked expectantly at Iruka-sensei before speaking the final invocation, and the room suddenly exploded and filled with white smoke.
Coughing and several repeats of "kai" later, the smoke cleared enough for the two chuunin, the jounin and the Hokage to see the results of Naruto's truth-jutsu. The result they saw was completely out of expectation and caused several hands and bodies to go for weapons and defensive crouches.
Instead of simply seeing Umino Iruka, a woman of his approximate size and coloration stood next to the flummoxed-looking teacher. Kakashi moved toward Tsunade to defend her, though in this room she, as the most powerful shinobi there, was in the least danger of getting killed.
The confusion Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi and Tsunade felt was mirrored on the faces of Iruka and the strange woman standing next to him. The woman and Iruka turned slowly to face each other, and each surreptitiously touched their respective faces in an eerily syncronized manner, drawing attention to something that all the ninja in the room had noted subconsciously.
The strange woman standing next to Iruka was, to their shock, precisely what Iruka would look like if he had been born a woman. Dark brown eyes darted away from the academy teacher in front of her to stare at the four people ready to attack, their shade an exact match for her male counterpart's. A horizontal scar crisscrossed her face over the bridge of her nose. Her tanned skin matched Iruka's. The only visible difference, aside from gender, was the fact that her dark brown hair was braided and lying against her back.
"You two, state your name and rank," Tsunade said sternly, edging around Kakashi's protective stance. "NOW."
The male Iruka straightened up and said, with a salute, "Umino Iruka, chuunin."
The woman also straightened and saluted. "Umino Iruka, jounin."
That was chapter one. Please review and tell me what you think! I believe this story will be about 7-10 chapters long, and it's already plotted out inside my head.