Pairing: Shizuo/Izaya

Prompt: Shizuo's vending machine hits Izaya right on the head and he actually passes out. He wakes up with the firm belief that SHIZUO IS HIS HASUBANDO AND MUST DO HUSBANDLY THINGS FOR HIM. Also, of course, Izaya must wear pretty dresses because he is the waifu and that is what waifus do.
Tsundere!Shizuo is a must, please.

Companion fic to Playing House

Izaya paid for his fatty tuna. It was his favorite, the greasy kind arranged in generous slabs that made for great nigiris. Being blessed with overall coolness also meant that he could eat all the tasty goodness he pleased without gaining as much as a gram. Surely, his metabolism was exceptional. He was humming a tune and ambling to one of his favorite spots, the night was still a child and he was keeping his options open, when something very red and very big crashed on him and knocked him flat.
"Izaya! Where are you!"
Shizuo barged into the scene and looked around for the bane of his life, Orihara Izaya. After looking around some and finding no trace of him Shizuo cursed under his breath. He was about to pick up his vending machine when he spotted Izaya under it.
"Ha! I finally got you, you bloody flea maggot you!"
Shizuo lighted a cigarette and puffed. His anger was appeased so suddenly that there was almost a feeling of lingering discontent undercutting his happiness.
"Hey, Izaya? Dead yet?"
It occurred to Shizuo that he would be in a world of troubles if the police were to find him standing next to a corpse. He was contemplating whether to take Izaya to the hospital or simply leave when a stirring motion caught his attention. Izaya sat up with some difficulty (it went to show that like the cockroach he was it took a lot to kill him), blinked a few times in blank confusion then turned around as if looking for something.
"Where's my fatty tuna?"
It was the last thing Shizuo expected to hear.
"Your what?"
"My tuna. Don't just stand there! Help me look for it! What kind of husband are you if you won't even look for my tuna?"
The cigarette dropped from his lips.
"What…?"
Izaya wiped the dirt from his clothes and crossed his arms haughtily.
"Heiwajima Shizuo! I will have you take responsibility for the loss of the meal I so lovingly got to celebrate our anniversary."
Shizuo gaped a few times.
"Our…what? And there's you stupid tuna, see?"
Indeed, the package was unharmed on the road. Until a black motorcycle ran over it, that was. The tires smashed the tuna and flattened it on the pavement. Izaya sobbed.
"I hope you're happy now! I got it so that we could celebrate and look what happens!"
"What the hell are you blabbering about? And I don't even like tuna!"
Izaya gasped dramatically.
"Heiwajima Shizuo, did you forget our wedding anniversary?"
"Are you out of your fucking mind? That vending machine must have screwed you up!"
Izaya jabbed a finger.
"Don't go changing the subject here. Fact is, you forgot that today is our two months wedding anniversary. Shizu-chan, why do you break my heart like this?"
Tears glittered on Izaya's eyes.
"Wedding? Just who got married?"
"We did! Now you're even denying that?"
To Shizuo's absolute stupefaction Izaya sat on the ground, hugged his knees and wept quietly.
"Er, Izaya? You should really go to the hospital."
"Go away. I'm not talking to you anymore."
Shizuo considered hitting him with the machine again, in movies that tended to do the trick but Izaya was still crying and somehow that made it impossible to be violent.
"Huh, 'kay. I'll just leave now."
Immediately Izaya was on his feet again.
"You're leaving me here? An innocent maiden in a rough part of town? At night?"
"Who are you talking about? 'Innocent'? You're Orihara Izaya! Ikebukuro's scum!"
Izaya's look of sheer shock was oddly endearing.
"I'm Heiwajima Izaya. Your wife."
Shizuo took a step back.
"What…the…I don't even know."
Izaya seemed to have reached an inner revelation of sorts.
"Oh I see, I see. I'm good enough for you to have sex with but then you get tired as soon as the honeymoon phase is over and just toss me aside. I should have known it, men are pigs!"
Shizuo nearly facepalmed.
"You're a guy too!"
"Fine! Make an issue out of my gender, why don't you! I don't see you complaining about that when I suck you!"
"You never did that! Might be nice- wait, what am I saying, your craziness is getting to me!"