Orochimaru was by no means the solitary creature everyone made him out to be. In fact, contrary to popular belief, there was little he enjoyed more than lazy, summer days spent in the company of his teammates. Though he'd be damned to admit it - there was something soothing in watching birds fly absentmindedly overhead, the sun hot against his face, just basking in the glow of one another's presence…

"I don't get it."

Today, however, was not one of those days.

"Just what does she see in him anyways?"

The snake charmer cracked a single eye open, squinting against the harsh light which filtered down from the trees. His companion had lured him from his hide-out earlier with promises of peace and quiet. Heh, what bullshit… If it was in his nature, Orochimaru would have audibly sighed.

"Would you give it a rest already, Jiraiya?"

For the past three hours the man had been crouched down behind a rather large shrub; dark eyes straining to keep a vigilant watch on a pair of lovers in the distance. Every so often Orochimaru would hear a rustling of fabric which signified that the oaf had shifted his position in order to get a better view.

"I mean, seriously, look at him!"

Really. This only served to confirm his previous suspicions that the man was a masochist. Why else would he purposely choose to torture himself in such a way?

"Long, powder blue hair… Ugh! He's one cup size from being a woman himself!"

This really had gone on long enough.

"Jiraiya."

Orochimaru was a patient man.

"There's nothing manly about him at all. I mean, shit, you can't honestly tell me that's what she's into. Hell. I know woman are all about that pretty boy, dreamy star-gaze crap but come on! For fuck's sake, she has to have better taste than that!"

His patience had now officially worn thin.

"JIRAIYA!"

The brute jumped, having been caught off balance by the sudden change in his comrade's tone. Good, thought Orochimaru. After all, serves the idiot right. After almost two decades he was used to his teammate's peeping ways… but this was just border-line stalking at this point. The fact that the dumbass quickly looked around before holding up a hand to shush him only validated his concern.

"Shhh, Oro! You trying to get us caught!?"

"Baka! Tell me, do you intend to spy on our beloved Hime all day? If that's the case why not just follow her home and slip one of your toads into her lingerie drawer while she's sleeping?"

Terrible fucking idea; soon as the words left his mouth he regretted it. Already he could see the wheels in the pervert's head turning. Perhaps it hadn't occurred to him that for all his comrade's lecherous ways he had yet to think that particular one up.

"Oh no. Don't you even dare. I swear Jiraiya, you do it and I won't be there to drag your ass to the hospital this time. You can drown in your own blood and filth for all I care. I'm not going to incur the Almighty Slug Bitch's wrath on your behalf again."

It appeared the promise of real, feasible pain sobered him because his companion grew uncharacteristically silent. His face a few shades paler than it had previously been, enough to almost rival his own. Orochimaru relaxed a little, still careful to keep one eye open in case the man suddenly got any other brilliant ideas which might result in broken ribs and ruptured spleens.

"Yeah, I guess you're right…"

Finally.

"I just don't get it, Oro... Why him?"

Fucking hell. He'd have to have been an idiot not to catch the pained note in the other man's voice. After all, it wasn't a secret that his teammate had pined for their golden haired princess since they were children.

"Baka," he began, "I really can't believe I'm saying this… But if we leave now we can still make it to the bathhouse before it closes."

Oh, yes… Orochimaru was many things but, contrary to popular belief, he wasn't heartless.

"Wait… what!? You're serious!? Well then! What are we waiting for!? Come along, Oro! We've got some research to do! Not gonna say I foresaw this one coming. Why, you creepy little fork-tongued bastard! I always pegged you for a prude but hey, better late than never. I'll tell ya! Some of the girls are just prime A-grade works of art! A whole bevy of beauties…"

Fucking hell.