Disclaimer: Glee belongs to a bunch of rich white people aka not me.

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Kurt Hummel lay sleeping in his basement bedroom, dreaming of his boyfriend and his insanely big mouth. While he was slumbering peacefully he felt the light tip of a marker on his skin. He moved his legs restlessly, unsure if it was in his dreams or reality that he felt the marker. His feet hit the warm, smooth skin of someone else under his blanket. A little perturbed, but not really since it was so early and he was still very sleepy, and still feeling the gunk and crust on his eyelid as he pried open one of his eyes, he peeked under his blanket and found his boyfriend lying on his stomach between his legs, marking up Kurt's naked body with a pack of colored Sharpies. Groaning and wanting to go back to sleep, he wrapped his legs around Sam's head and nearly suffocated the boy. Sam struggled and tried to extract himself from Kurt's crazy strong thighs but it wasn't until he tugged on the brunette's balls that Kurt let him go.

Resting his head back on his pillow and drawing up the strength to talk he asked, "Samuel Robert Evans, what are you doing?" His voice was filled with sleep, and he barely groaned out the question before feeling the need to rest again. "Didn't you go home last night?"

"I was supposed to, but remember that 'cat nap' we took after our third round? Well we ended up sleeping for five hours. I woke up thinking we had school today but then I couldn't go back to sleep so I got bored," Sam said. "And I didn't want to wake you up, so I went over to your crafts table and I started playing with your button collection –."

" – Not the pewter ones right?" Kurt asked alarmed.

"No, just the shiny blue ones," Sam said, easing Kurt's fears. "But then I put one in my mouth to see how it felt and I kinda, sorta, maybe…swallowed it." Sam hung his head in embarrassment.

"You swallowed one?" Kurt nearly shouted. Sam nodded, resting his head on Kurt's chest. "Did you learn nothing after the gumball incident?" he chastised. "What if you had choked? Granted I would have no trouble sticking my entire fist and half my arm in your mouth, but I wouldn't even have been awake to try!"

"It was a button; I guess I thought I could stop it before it got too far in my mouth," Sam said, toying with Kurt's erect nipple. Kurt sighed, hoping someday Sam didn't end up killing himself by choking on something he accidentally swallowed. "Anyways, after freaking out for half an hour that I was going to die I found your markers and I wanted to draw an 'I'm sorry for swallowing your button' card but I couldn't find any paper and I didn't want to mess up any of your fashion sketches so I decided to draw on myself." He lifted his arm up and showed Kurt all the squiggly lines and doodles he'd drawn on his chest. "But it's kind of hard to draw upside down and stuff so I figured I could draw on you."

"Why me?" Kurt sighed, slightly amused at his precocious boyfriend's early morning adventures.

"Well, your skin's already really pale and pink, so it's like drawing on paper," Sam said, dropping kisses on Kurt's chest and rubbing his stomach. "Besides, I figured I could mark you as mine, in case any guys get the wrong idea and try to, like, claim you as their own."

"We live in Lima, Sam. There are only a few other gay guys in town, and believe me none of them interest me. Besides, if any more showed up I think the town would chase them out with torches and pitchforks," Kurt said.

"I guess," Sam said. Kurt could hear in his voice something was amiss and, despite the early morning hour, he pried further into his boyfriend's thoughts.

"What's wrong?" Kurt asked.

"Nothing," Sam sighed, burying his face into the crook of Kurt's arm. Kurt knew he was being a guy and avoiding confronting his feelings, but Kurt, as an honorary girl, knew better than to let him off the hook that easily. Yanking Sam up by the hair he forced Sam to look him in the eye.

"Sam, I love you, but if you don't tell me what's wrong I'm going to tell everyone at school how into feet you are," Kurt threatened.

Sam's eyes widened in shock. "You wouldn't," he said.

"We've been going out for six months, Sam. You should know by now I don't make threats, I make promises," Kurt said, eyeing Sam's quivering lips with satisfaction.

"Okay!" Sam said, afraid to let his fetish known. "I was just, I know you and Blaine are partnered up for the duet thing and it's kind of getting on my nerves," he said.

Kurt looked at his boyfriend pityingly. Is that why Sam's been so possessive lately? And why he wanted to sleep over so often now? He thought he'd made it clear before, but it appeared he'd have to set his boyfriend straight once again. "Blaine and I are just friends now, you know that right?" Sam looked away, afraid to meet Kurt's firm gaze. "Sam?"

"You guys are really close, is all," Sam said. "I mean, the guy switched schools for you, and you guys were going out for months."

"We've been going out for months," Kurt reminded him. "Sam, Blaine and I have history, yes, but neither he nor I have feelings for one another anymore. We broke up because we realized there was no real chemistry between us and we were only together as long as we were because we got comfortable and didn't want to be alone. But then he found Karofsky, and I found this amazingly perfect, sweet guy who makes me realize everyday how much I love him." Kurt kissed Sam, sucking his lower lip gently before pulling away. The look of worry on Sam's face melted when Kurt kissed him, and the blond boy slumped onto his back in content. "You have nothing to worry about. Blaine and I are just friends. It's no different than when I see you talking with Santana or Quinn," Kurt said, easing Sam's fears. Sam stared adoringly into Kurt's eyes, his heart practically bursting out of his chest with love for the boy who held him so tenderly in his arms.

"How do you put up with me?" Sam asked, nuzzling up to Kurt. "Dealing with me all the time…I must stress you out." Kurt pecked Sam on the nose, earning a giggle from his boyfriend.

"I do a lot of yoga," Kurt shrugged. Stretching his body out he eyed the alarm clock on the nightstand next to his bed and let out a small shriek. "Good GaGa!" He threw the covers off him and Sam before racing around the room, gathering up their discarded clothes which they'd thrown around last night in their sexual haze.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked from his place on the bed.

"It's Saturday!" Kurt exclaimed, as if that answered everything. He hopped around the room, his hands filled with clothes. He dumped them in his hamper and got a stool from his bathroom so he could reach Sam's underwear that was caught on the chandelier.

"So…" Sam said, his big mouth formed into a perfect 'O' as he said the word. "It's like four thirty in the morning. We have plenty of time before anyone gets up."

"It's fishing day! My dad and Finn get up insanely early to go fishing and I always make them breakfast! They look forward to it every week. It's basically the only reason Finn is able to get up early on the weekend without us having to set off fireworks in his room," Kurt said breathlessly, finally retrieving Sam's jock. "They're going to be up any minute, and Finn always comes in and wakes me up and…what are you still doing in bed?" he yelled at Sam. "Get up!" he ordered.

Sam's naked body had barely gotten out of the bed when they both heard a door slamming above their heads, followed by the thundering of feet descending the stairs. Kurt let out a small yelp before running to Sam, yanking the blanket off the bed and covering his boyfriend with it. Sam cursed while Kurt quickly apologized before forcing Sam to hide under his bed, afraid of the consequences should his father find him in his room. Hearing the thumping footsteps approach the basement door Kurt looked around for something to cover his nude figure. He figured he might as well hop into the pair of Sam's underwear that he was still holding from the chandelier. Looking around for more clothing he snatched a shirt from the couch in the corner and jumped into bed, pulling the sheet he usually slept on as a cover. He'd barely shut his eyes when he heard someone ripping open the basement door and pounding down the stairs to his room.

Finn saw his brother's sleeping form and, not one for subtlety, raced across the room and flung himself on Kurt's bed, sending the counter-tenor nearly a foot into the air. Finn continued to bounce on the bed like an excited toddler, making sure Kurt was awake in order to cook breakfast for him and Burt.

"Up, up, up!" he shouted, still jumping. "Up, Kurt! It's Saturday and you said you'd make us breakfast again!" He stopped jumping and fell onto his butt on the bed, sending Kurt flying towards the ceiling. Finn heard him groan but when Kurt refused to open his eyes he started shaking him, trying his best to wake his brother up. "Dude, come on! Waffles, bacon, eggs, toast, sausage! You promised!" Finn whined. He shook his brother more vigorously, making Kurt's head spin.

"Finn! I'm up!" Kurt yelled. He pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping to stop the migraine he felt coming on due to his brother's lack of consideration. "God, next time have the marching band wake me up, it'll be quieter."

"I tried to book them, but they were busy today," Finn quipped. Living with Kurt had greatly increased his verbal repartee and he was even able to go toe-to-toe in a sarcasm contest with his little brother (granted he was well-fed and rested before). "Come on! We're leaving in a couple of hours and I'm hungry!" he whined, kneeling next to Kurt on his bed.

"You were born hungry," Kurt said, sitting up. He hoped he looked like he just woke up, and yawned for added effect. "Could you give me a few minutes to greet the day?"

"No way, dude. Last time I let you 'greet the day' you spent the whole morning moisturizing and you sent us off with an Eggo and runny scrambled eggs," Finn said. "I want those buttermilk waffles you made for my birthday, and sausage, both link and patty, and three fried eggs and some scrambled eggs on the side and – ."

"Are you even going to fit on the boat or are they going to use your bloated corpse as a raft for the trip?" Kurt asked.

Finn scowled at his brother before saying, "I'm a growing boy. I need a healthy breakfast."

"If you grow anymore you're going to have to put flashers on your vests to warn incoming air traffic," Kurt said.

Finn buried his face in Kurt's sheets in defeat. "Why are you so mean? I just want breakfast!" His voice was muffled by Kurt's blankets.

Leaving Finn to stew in his own pity Kurt heard more footsteps descend the basement stairs. Expecting his father he was surprised (not pleasantly, though) to find Puck had cursed them with his presence.

"Dude, next time you step on me when you wake up I'm going to chop your foot off and beat you over the head with it," Puck threatened, still wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"Who told you to sleep on the floor anyways?" Finn asked. "Weren't you in bed with me last night?"

"Yeah, until you rolled onto me with your boner poking me in the stomach. I would have slept through it, too, until you started humping me and calling me 'Rachel'." Realizing what he was saying, his eyes widened in anger while chastising Finn. "Besides! Don't go around telling people we sleep in the same bed when I spend the night!" Puck looked to Kurt, who was nonplussed by the confession.

"Please, Puckerman, I've seen you two in the same bed before," Kurt yawned. "Carole's even shown me those pictures of you two sitting on the toilet together naked when you guys were being potty-trained."

Finn and Puck's jaws dropped in shock. "I'm going to kill my mom," Finn began, "after breakfast."

"Yeah, Hummel, where's this kick-ass breakfast Beefaroni over here wouldn't shut up about," Puck said, sitting on the couch across the room from Kurt and Finn. His eyes traveled under Kurt's bed and, seeing the tangle of blankets beneath, his mouth curved into a wicked smile.

"You're not going fishing with them, are you?" Kurt asked, not missing the smile on Puck's face but unsure of what it could be about.

"Yeah, I invited him last night," Finn said.

Kurt laughed, causing Puck and Finn to look confusedly at the small brunette. "You didn't ask my dad, did you?" he asked Finn.

Finn shook his head, that unsure expression of his still plastered to his face. "No, but Puck's gone with us before. What's the problem?"

Kurt, still giggling explained, "No offense, Puck, but my dad hates you."

"What did I ever do to your dad?" Puck asked offended. He got off the couch and walked to the bed, sitting on the other side of Kurt.

"Not my dad, you tire brush," Kurt said, ruffling Puck's mohawk, "me. He knows you're the one who threw me in dumpsters and slushied me all those years, not to mention that time you wrapped me up in a rainbow flag and tied me to the flagpole."

"Finn helped in a lot of those things," Puck said, trying to shift the blame off himself.

Finn shoved Puck, not happy at being implicated in his pranks. "Dude, I've already gotten lip about it from my mom and I'm helping Burt out at the garage every weekend practically until I die," Finn said.

"Anyways," Puck said, looking at Kurt after Finn's spiel, "I thought we were cool now."

"Yes, it's true I forgave you for those past offences, especially after I dragged you and Finn to all those gay-straight alliance meetings with me," Kurt said, "but my dad isn't so quick to forgive or forget."

"Well, you'll help him come around, right Humm – I mean Kurt," Puck said. He put his arm around Kurt, hugging him to his side and tousling his hair. Kurt tried to pull away from him but the mohawked boy only tightened his grip on the brunette.

"Why do you want to go fishing so badly?" Kurt asked, still struggling against Puck's grip.

"It's not just about the fishing, which I like to do because it smells like the girl's locker room and it kinda turns me on," Puck said. Kurt rolled his eyes, wondering if Puck really was this disgusting. "But you're my best friend's step-brother, which makes you, like, my best-step-brother-in-law." Kurt glared at Puck, unsure if he was being sincere or if there was an ulterior motive to his sucking up. "Besides, we're in glee together and I spend a lot of time here, and I don't want your dad to keep imagining my head mounted in the den every time I come over for dinner." He shined his bright brown eyes at Kurt, hoping it worked its charm.

"Save the puppy dog stare for someone who's not acquainted with your sexual history," Kurt said, unwinding Puck's arm from around him. "And I'll talk to my dad. He still won't like you, but at least you'll be able to have dinner with us without wondering if you'll live to see dessert."

"Thanks, Kurt," Puck said, slapping the brunette on the shoulder. "I like your shirt, by the way," he said off-handedly.

"Thanks," Kurt said, looking down to see the t-shirt he was wearing. It was a Captain America tee, with the tri-color shield front and center, and it had been purposely faded to give off a vintage look. Kurt realized this wasn't his shirt, and nearly pushed Puck off the bed when he heard what the mohawked boy said next.

"But I think it looked better on Sam yesterday," Puck smirked. "What do you say, Sam?" Puck asked, smacking the mattress.

Kurt shoved Puck angrily. "How did you know?"

"I saw his blond mop-top sticking out from under the bed," Puck said smugly.

Finn looked back and forth between his brother and Puck, wondering what the heck they were talking about. "Dude, you named your mattress Sam?" he asked Kurt. Kurt groaned and buried his face in his hands while Puck tried his best not to smack Finn upside the head.

"I don't know if your mom dropped you on your head when you were a kid or if you just spent too much time in front of the microwave, bro, but promise me you won't ever become, like, a detective or something," Puck said to Finn. "A lot of innocent lives could be ruined." Puck got up from the bed and reached underneath it, pulling the tangle of blankets out. He took the blanket by the edge and unraveled it, sending Sam's naked body rolling across the room.

"Whoa!" Puck and Finn yelled, shielding their eyes from Sam's bright naked ass as it bounced along the floor. Sam got up, his head still pounding from the roll on the floor, and hastily covered up his junk in his hands.

"Dude! What are you doing here?" Finn yelled, his face still turned and his hands raised to cover Sam's body.

"Umm…can I get some underwear? I'm showing some major nuttage here," Sam said.

"Go in my armoire. There should be some underwear in there," Kurt said, eyeing his boyfriend's backside admiringly. Sam hastened to the dresser and slipped on a pair of Kurt's briefs. "You guys can look now, he's dressed."

"Are you kidding? It's even worse now!" Puck complained. "I can totally see his…bulge."

"Eyes up, Puckerman," Sam warned. "This bulge is for Kurt's recreational use only."

"Sam, what are you doing down here? You and Kurt aren't supposed to be alone in the living room let alone Kurt's bedroom!" Finn screamed.

"Would you keep your voice down, Finn!" Kurt said, trying his best to hush his brother up.

"Yeah, Finnessa, calm down. So your brother and Evans are getting it on. Be happy for them. Maybe now your brother will be less of an uptight prude when I talk about my weekend exploits in glee," Puck said, slapping Kurt on the shoulder. Kurt scowled back at Puck.

"Dude! I don't want to hear about my brother getting it on with anyone!" Finn said, a sour expression coming over his face. "And it's not just that! Burt is going to kill me!"

"How is my dad going to kill you?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's my sweet ass Burt Hummel is going to be chasing down the streets of Lima with an axe, not yours," Sam said to Finn.

"No! He's going to kill me!" Finn ranted. He got up from the bed and started pacing the room like a madman. "He told me to look out for you Kurt, cause you're my little brother and I'm supposed to have your back because your so small, and I promised him I would, and I tried my best through the Karofsky thing but then you switched schools before I even got a chance to kick his ass and I figured all I had to worry about now was you giving me surprise makeovers while I slept but then you started seeing Blaine and I hoped he'd be a douche so I could kick his ass and prove how good I was at protecting you but he was really easy to keep an eye on cause the kid is so boring he never tried anything with you but then you came back to McKinley and I figured I'd have to protect you again but you tasered Karofsky your first day back and Santana outed him after he slushied Brittany so I figured you were safe but then you started seeing Sam and I knew he'd be trouble cause he was really impatient with Quinn going to second base and Burt thought he'd be trouble too so I promised to watch him and make sure this didn't happen but it did and right when I was supposed to be watching you and Burt's gonna kill Sam and then me and chop me up into little pieces and put me in the walls so nobody can find my body and I don't want to die I've only seen like two pairs of boobs and I haven't played the new Call of Duty yet and and and…!" Finn stopped, gasping for breath.

Kurt rushed up from the bed to where Finn was pacing and grabbed him by the shoulder. "Finn, you're my brother and I love you, so I hope you forgive me for this." He brought his arm back and slapped his brother forcefully on the face, breaking him from his rant. "Snap out of it!"

Puck and Sam looked at each other alarmed. "Dude, remind me never to get on Hummel's bad side," Puck said.

Kurt ignored Puck's remark and continued trying to calm Finn down. "Do you need something? Water, Tylenol…?"

"Buttermilk waffles?" Finn smiled sheepishly. Kurt rolled his eyes, resisting the urge to smack his brother again.

"For your next birthday I'm going to make you a salad for breakfast," Kurt groaned, pushing Finn away from him.

"It hasn't even happened yet and I can already tell you that's going to be the worst birthday ever," Finn grimaced.

The four boys heard a throat being cleared from the foot of the basement stairs and all their hearts nearly dropped out of their chests as they saw the imposing figure of Burt Hummel staring them down.

"Kurt. Finn." He eyed the naked blond kid and mohawked punk behind his son and step-son with ill concealed anger. "You boys want to tell me what's going on down here?"

"Dad, it's not what it looks like," Kurt tried to explain.

"Mr. H!" Puck said cheerily, rising from the bed to greet Burt with a handshake and a one-armed hug. "How's it going?"

"Can it, Puckerman," Burt said. Puck sat back on the bed, embarrassed by being shut down so fast. "What's with Sam being in his underwear? He didn't spend the night here, did he Kurt?"

"Dad, I – ," Kurt began. He looked around the room for help, but Puck was avoiding eye contact and Sam seemed so scared his knees were shaking and he looked ready to wet his pants at any minute.

"It's my fault Sam's here, Burt," Finn said, stepping up to take the blame. "I should have kept an eye out for this but I let it slip right past me. I should have been more vegative but I let you down."

Burt, as he was used to doing once he invited Carole and her son to live with them, looked to Kurt for an explanation of Finn's explanation. "I think he means 'vigilant', Dad."

"I thought it was 'vegative'," Finn said, confused.

"Why would one want to be more 'vegative'?" Kurt asked, turning to Finn with his arms crossed. "'Vigilant' means to be aware and alert. 'Vegative' isn't even a word."

"Vegetables are scary and gross, so I'm constantly aware and on the alert for their presence" Finn countered. "They could totally be the same word."

Kurt looked at Finn as if he had just grown an extra head. "I can't anymore!" he said, throwing his hands in the air. "Finn's right, it's his fault. Take him away before I show him off to scientists around the world as the first human being who has reversed the process of evolution."

Finn looked to Burt, ready to accept his punishment. "I'm sorry," he said ashamedly.

"I doubt this is your fault, Finn," Burt said, clapping a hand on his step-son's shoulder. "I know I told you to keep an eye on Kurt, but you don't have to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in his life. That's my job." Relief swept over Finn's face once he realized he was off the hook. "No, something tells me this is the work of my little misguided angel, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel." Turning to Kurt he waited for an explanation. "Well, son. Care to explain?"

"Umm…" Kurt began. He didn't exactly know how to dig himself out of this one.

"It's my fault, sir." Sam stepped forward, his hands still covering his underwear clad package as best as he could. He extended his hand, expecting to shake Burt's. When Burt just stared at it, fully aware of where his hand had just been, Sam brought it back to his side humiliated. Puck chuckled at his embarrassment, but after a quick death glare from Kurt his chuckle turned into a cough and he turned his head to avoid Kurt's wrath.

"See, Kurt told me about your fishing trip today and I asked to tag along," Sam explained. "He said it wouldn't be a problem so I showed up this morning in jeans and a tee thinking I was fine when he told me I had to dress to kill…the fish, I mean!" Sam stood still in his underwear, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. "So he called Finn down to help me get something to wear and Puck was with him and I was in the middle of changing when, well, you walked in."

Burt looked unsurely from Sam to Kurt. "Is that what happened, Kurt?"

"Yes. Exactly. Word for word," Kurt assured him.

"Finn?" Burt asked.

Kurt looked pleadingly to his brother, hoping he would cover their tracks. Finn sighed. "Yeah, totally. Sam dressed like he was going to a fair or something. Totally not fishing appropriate."

Burt eyed each boy suspiciously before deciding to believe their story. "Fine. I'm going to choose to believe you guys because it's too early in the morning to strangle the truth out from all of you. But in the future, Kurt, you tell me before you invite other people along fishing, alright?"

"Yes," Kurt agreed. "Absolutely."

"And Sam," Burt said, eyeing his son's boyfriend uneasily. Sam straightened to attention, eager to impress his boyfriend's father. "You keep your clothes on in my house, understood? I don't care if you've got bugs in your pants, you keep them on until you're at least half a mile away from Kurt."

"Yes, sir," Sam agreed immediately. "Clothes on at all times."

"Alright. You boys get ready," Burt said, moving towards the staircase, "in Finn's room," he added, seeing Sam and Kurt start to edge towards each other a little too excitedly. Before he got to the first step, however, he heard Puck clear his throat, sending Kurt up to catch him before he went upstairs.

"Oh, Dad," Kurt began. "Is it okay if Puck goes along, too?" Burt looked to where Puck was still sitting on Kurt's bed, an expectant smile across his face.

"Yeah, I kind of invited him last night," Finn added. "I hope it's alright."

Burt mulled over taking his son's past-bully along for the trip. The boy had made some progress since painting the grass in their front yard pink, and he did find him less irritating then when he first started coming over for dinner."Might as well," Burt said defeated. "But if I catch you using a fishing hook as a nipple piercing again I'm throwing you overboard, got it Puckerman?"

"Totally, Mr. H," Puck shouted from the bed. "You're the best!"

"Yeah, yeah," Burt said, shrugging off the compliment. "Kurt, get up here and get started on breakfast. If I'm going to be spending all day with your friends I'm going to need all the energy I can get."

A/N: Thanks for taking a few days of your life to read this! And I know you needed a few days because this mess was LONG! It really meandered around there for a while. It was just supposed to be a Kum fic but then it worked its way into basically all the guys in Kurt's life (minus Schue, Artie, and Mike, who in my mind don't really play that big a role in his life). This really was a hot mess of a story. I think I was drunk off Robitussin when I started it, and I hate seeing a story put to waste, so I finished it despite common sense telling me to stop and delete.

Anyway, I hope you tolerated it! Thanks for reviewing!