Hey guys, a while back I translated a story by Love-Twi (it's called 'No way back' and you can find it on my profile.). She wrote another one a couple of days ago and I translated it - so all credit for this amazing story goes to her!

I only translated this story from Hebrew, so the only credit I can take is for translation quality, that's all.

All charachters belong to SM.

Love You. Love You Not.

Bella PoV:

I am most definitely happy. I can't say that I'm not. It wouldn't be fair to either him or me if I said that.

He was always so loving and careful and attentive. No, no, no, it would not be fair…

So how many years has it been? – Stupid question. As if I don't know. As if I don't think about it every single day, trying to let it sink that he's gone and will never come back.

It's been almost ten years – nearly a decade – and yet, nightmares plague me every night, no exceptions. The nightmares change but he is my one constant. He is always there. He never leaves me – he's in my thoughts at day and in my dreams at night.

And here I am - wanting peace I'll never seem to get. I want peace for myself and my lover.

Jacob and I didn't waste much time. My cliff accident was the pinch that woke me from my illusions and made me face my devastating reality.

That night, Jake stayed with me. He kept trying to warm me up, but he didn't seem to grasp that the cold I was feeling had nothing to do with the freezing ocean. That cold bubbled from inside of me upon realizing and making peace with what I had denied for so long.

We kissed. It didn't make me feel any better, but it was a good distraction. I believe that's all he's ever been to me since that moment – a mere distraction.

I keep telling myself to believe it'll change, that I love him like he loves me, like he deserves to be loved…

He was always so supportive of me.

After graduation we bought this little house in the outskirts of town and both started our jobs – me in Forks and he in La Push.

We seemed to be joined at the hip, a couple for all intents and purposes. And yet I've never told him I loved him. Yet he kept repeating that to me endlessly in hope that I'll return his sentiment.

I wanted to. I really did. I just couldn't. And after that lunch date at Charlie's the subject never came up again.

*Flashback*

"So Bells," Charlie said between bites of the roasted chicken I had made for lunch "Will we be hearing any wedding bells soon?"

That simple, harmless question had me instantly frozen in my seat. "What is that supposed to mean?" I snapped, getting tenser by the minute.

He didn't seem to notice my body language.

"Well, you and Jake have been together for more than seven years now. Don't you think it's time you took it to the next level?" he asked, looking up to my eyes.

I could feel that all my blood had been drained from my face. I bit my lip, as I always did when I was nervous.

Jacob's warm hand wrapped itself around mine. "Bella, are you alright?" he asked, the worry was evident in his voice.

I jumped out of my seat, pulling my hand violently away from his, and pushing the chair back making it fall on the floor with a loud thud.

I ran out of the kitchen and before my tears could start falling. Blindly, with tears rolling down my face I ran out of the house and into the driveway.

Jacob caught up with me before I got into my car.

"Bella, Bella!" he held me tightly against his chest as he always did when I cried. "Don't run away from me. I know what you think of this subject, I won't ask for anything, Bells, just please don't run. Stay with me. " his pleading voice put an end to my protests against his chest and I slumped against it in defeat.

He led me back into the house where Charlie spent the rest of the day apologizing to me and asking for forgiveness. I forgave him, of course, and made sure to tell him that, but even my forgiveness didn't make him stop apologizing.

It's been very difficult for me to face him since then. I've been doing my best to avoid him as much as I could without offending him, but deep inside I think he saw right through me.

*End Flashback*

This morning was no different than the rest I've had for the past couple of years. After my usual nightmare had me screaming in terror and woke Jacob from his deep slumber, we lay snuggled in bed for a while before sleep overtook us again.

Jacob fell asleep almost immediately and his I felt sleepy in his warm, safe embrace, but I never managed to fall asleep again.

I got out of bed at the crack of dawn and went to shower.

I showered slowly, letting the hot water and the steam warm my body and relax my muscles.

Afterwards, I got dressed quietly and did my hair for work.

I stepped into the kitchen and made myself some coffee. When it was ready I took the warm mug along with a book I had laying around since high school and went to stand by the window.

Unlike other times, this time I couldn't focus on my book. Instead, I caught myself gazing out the window into the outlines of the poorly lit forest.

I opened the back door and stepped onto the porch, leaving my coffee mug and book on the railing.

My thoughts wandered to my upcoming birthday – I'll become twenty-eight in just a few days. It seemed surreal, impossible.

I'm getting older while he will stay seventeen for ever, wherever he may be right now…

'No. Don't think about him!' I scolded myself. 'Nothing good ever came out of thinking about him.

Just then I heard the faint sound of the shower running in the house and I knew Jake was awake.

I picked my stuff up and went back into the kitchen to make him some breakfast.

Soon enough, he came into the kitchen, rubbing his wet hair with a towel.

"Beautiful as always, Bella." He grinned widely as he saw me.

I blushed. "You're already getting breakfast, Jake, there's no need to suck up." I teased him.

"That's right, but I'll be needing some dinner too, a guy's gotta eat you know." He chuckled.

We kept laughing and talking while he ate his breakfast.

He told me he wanted us to go on vacation together for my birthday. He wanted to go somewhere warm and sunny.

Jake has always been my source of light and warmth, ever since those dark times I tried my best to never remember.

Our relationship that always seemed to be one-sided, to my greatest regret, was probably the only thing that kept me alive and breathing.

Between his job and his duty to his pack of werewolves, Jake has been my best friend. My only friend.

We parted with a long kiss after which he got into his old car and drove away.

I kept standing on our doorway thinking about him. He was always so loving, respectful, he never pushed me or made me do anything against my will.

Why couldn't he be the love of my life?

'Because that's place is already taken.' Answered a small voice in my head.

I shook my head to get rid of that thought and got back inside the house with a sigh.

I packed a sandwich for work and put it inside my bag.

I went out and stopped on the porch again, enjoying the cool wind that caressed my face.

I caught sight of the forest once more. For some reason it appealed to me very much today.

Perhaps I should skip work, call in sick and just go for a walk? – better not.

I knew that if I stay by myself for a long while my mind will start roaming into dangerous waters. That wound will open up again and I'll loose my ability to breathe and walk as well as my self-control.

How many times has this happened in the past? – a sudden fit of grief that left me unable to think straight.

No, being alone, in my condition, was not a good idea.

I got into my car and started the engine.

I glanced at the forest before pulling out of the driveway when a small shadow caught my eye. The shadow looked oddly like a person that seemed to be frozen in their place between the ancient trees. I squinted my eyes trying to recognize the person who had come this far out of the town.

I blinked.

When I looked over at the same spot again, there was no one there.

I shrugged, not giving it a further thought; I wasn't sleeping well lately, perhaps even worse than I usually did...

Driving to work didn't take long since there wasn't really much of a traffic. Finding a parking space wasn't a problem either.

I worked in the small Forks library. The previous librarian retired a few years ago and I took his place. It didn't pay much, but I sincerely loved my job.

I felt like I truly belonged between the dusty racks and old books. Most of the time it was empty, but sometimes the occasional elder citizen or teenager, studying for an exam, would come in and take a book or two.

I was too early, as always. What surprised me was that we were open already.

It seemed like the library's old owner was already there. He stayed in the library for the most part of the day. I didn't know whether he did that to keep an eye on me or to simply keep me company.

"Good Morning, Tom." I greeted him as soon as I entered.

"Goodness Bella! You scared me!" He gasped although the bell tied above the front door had ringed quite loudly when I came in.

In his defense, Tom was about eighty years old and could barely see or hear. Despite that, he seemed to rarely stop talking. His stories were funny, though, the first five times I heard them… He had a small amount of stories he repeated each time we met. Most of them seemed very doubtful and all, of course, involved Tom.

Even though I could probably recite all of these stories by now, he never stopped telling me about them. I liked that old man.

I went to the tiny kitchen in the back to make the both of us some tea.

When the water finally boiled – the pot we had in the library was probably older than the library itself – I poured it into the two mugs I'd prepared ahead and went to sit behind the computer desk, facing Tom.

"It's a wonderful weather outside, don't you think dear?" Tom murmured as I put his tea mug on the table between us.

As I lifted my eyes to meet his, I gasped loudly and the cup I was holding fell from my hands and crashed into the floor.

His wrinkled face was distorted with long scratches from chin to forehead. Some of the wound were fresh and they were still oozing blood. The blood fell down on his shirt and pants – it was terrifying!

"Goodness, Tom!" I shrieked. "What - ? What the -?" but the old man just stared at me in confusion.

"Wait here! Don't move! I'll… I'll got get something to…" My words failed me as I ordered him and shot back into the kitchen to find something to clean all that blood with. While I was searching, I was also contemplating whether to drive him to the hospital or call an ambulance. I also had to stop my suddenly upset stomach from rebelling at the sight of blood.

I pulled the first towel I saw in one of Tom's cupboards and rushed back to him.

When I reached our desk and spun his chair so he faced me, since he didn't bother doing that, I was shocked. The scratches and all the mess I saw on his face a minute ago was gone.

He just kept staring at me.

I felt my head spin and I collapsed into the chair next to me.

'What the hell?' I thought.

I tried to explain myself what just happened. My sleep, or rather lack thereof, was the only logic explanation as to what caused this.

I once read somewhere that extreme tiredness could cause hallucinations; I never slept well.

The day went on as normally as it usually did; only every thirty minutes I checked on Tom to make sure he was alright.

I was truly happy when the work day came to an end.

On my way home I decided to cook us a meal tonight, so I stopped at the grocery store to buy some ingredients we didn't have at home.

As I drove away from the grocery store's parking lot I opened my car window and let the cool wind into the car. It was refreshing.

I was determined not to let some stupid hallucination to ruin Jacob's day. He was putting up with enough of my issues as it is.

I parked my truck in the parking lot and looked towards the porch.

That was weird, by this time Jake would have been waiting for me out there with a smile on his face to greet me home and to get a nonchalant murmur from me as a response. I might as well have been leading a double life and he'd still be out there smiling warmly at me. He loved me that much. I didn't deserve him.

I closed the front door loudly behind me, pushing my not-so-cheerful thoughts to the back of my head.

"Jake, I'm home!" I called out as I put the bags down in the hallway. "I've had such a weird day, you wouldn't – "I froze as I stepped into the living room.

There was a stranger sitting on the sofa – a female stranger.

She wasn't a girl, but she was younger than me. She had long dark hair that fell gracefully on her shoulders and her eyes sparkled with love and happiness. Basically, she seemed to be everything I was not.

Her green eyes stared at me with a mixture of shock and unease. It made me uneasy too.

What bothered me the most, though, was Jacob – he was sitting next to the woman and his hand was intertwined with hers. He must have not heard me approaching because he jumped from his seat and pulled his hand away from hers as soon as he saw me.

I tried to ignore her for a moment and turned my head towards Jacob.

His face could only be described as guilt-ridden. I shook my head.

'No. That's not it. Deep breaths, Bella.'

"Jake what's going on?" I tried to bring the accusation and fear in my voice to a minimum, but he saw through me.

Jake winced noticeably and then sighed as he looked up at me.

"Bella, that's Mary – Anne." He told me.

I held his gaze for another moment, hoping he'd elaborate on that. "And what is she doing here?" I asked when I saw he wasn't going to.

His gaze flickered towards the girl and their eyes locked.

I stood there, frozen, observing, as understanding dawned on me breaking all of my carefully built walls. I felt like I'll collapse any moment now.

There was a sole thought that filled my head – 'over'.

The way he was looking at her, the way all the worry and fear disappeared from his gaze… I've seen this many times before – Sam and Emily. We've spent much times together and they, too, stared at each other like that, as if it were only the two of them in the world. They were perfect for each other

And now Jake has found his other half – in her.

I could have lit myself on fire and he would have never noticed.

The pain started tugging on my insides and ripping them apart "No…" I couldn't help the small whimper that escaped my lips.

I caught the doorpost to keep myself from crumbling to the floor.

That made Jake look up at me as if he just remembered I was present all along.

"I'm so sorry." The sorrow was evident in his voice.

He made an attempt to stand up and approached me but I raised my hand to stop him from doing so. I didn't want him near me.

I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself, but it just didn't work.

I knew what I had to do. There was no point in stalling.

I turned on my heel and all but ripped the door out of its hinges.

I ran out of the house as quickly as I could, heading towards the one place I knew could give me comfort.

My legs seemed to move on their own and I kept running as if my life depended on it, without looking back. To a certain point it was so, had I stayed there another second I would have lost it.

The hole in my chest that was dormant for so long was open and bleeding again.

The pain was so intense and torturing that I had to press my hand against my chest in order to make sure that I wasn't really bleeding.

I stopped running only when I reached my destination – the same high cliff with the same breathtaking view of the ocean.

The cold wind blew on my heated face and cooled it down while the salty air tickled my nose.

It was the same cliff I jumped from all those years ago when Jacob saved me… Jake…

I collapsed onto the hard cliff unable to hold on any longer. I wanted so badly to cry and let all that awful pain out of my chest, but I couldn't.

'I'm not a human anymore…' I thought bitterly. 'But how could I be when I have been killed inside so many times?'

I stood back up on my shaky legs and looked around. There was no one. The place was deserted.

I looked at the ocean below me. It was such a simple solution.

No one would miss me anyway. Charlie will, because he loves me, but he's a strong man. He'll get over it.

Jake… Well, he wouldn't care.

I approached the edge of the cliff and looked down at the rocks beneath me.

My decision was made.

My hands were no longer trembling as I tied my hair up and discarded of my jacket.

No thoughts bothered my mind.

I was at peace… Until I heard the single voice that haunted me day and night. 'Bella.'

I closed my eyes and begged my brain to stop torturing me with those hallucinations. "Go away." I responded calmly without turning around.

'I can't. You're making a mistake, Bella. That's not the way to solve this. Not like that.' His voice was perfect – soft and velvety – just like I remembered it.

I was torn between wanting him near me and wanting him to go away.

I turned on my heel to face him with teary eyes.

"You have no right to tell me what to do! I can decide for myself!"

'I won't let you do this.' His rigid expression did not lessen his godlike beauty. His eyes were darker, but other than that he looked the same as he did ten years ago – when I last saw him.

The hole in my chest seemed to disappear in his presence.

I even smiled at him.

"Goodbye, Edward. I love you." His face froze in a silent scream, but not even the fastest vampire could have caught me before I fell.

I spread my arms and smiled happily for the first time in years.

And I fell.

It was a short fall. The dark waters pulled me farther in and deeper with each second.

I did not fight them.

Jacob PoV:

The woman I used to love ran out of the house like she was possessed.

I sat there frozen, but not for long.

I knew Bella wasn't stable and I knew just how serious her condition was.

I kissed the forehead of the woman that would now forever hold my heart and ran out of the house. As soon as I got out I heard a loud howl.

I changed in an instant.

As soon as my paws touched the ground Sam's voice filled my head.

"Jacob, what's going on? I just saw Bella on the cliffs!" his voice was worried.

"Where are you? We need to stop her before she hurts herself, Sam!" I called out

"But what –" his mental voice trailed of as I gave him a rerun of everything that happened today. "That's not good."

Since Sam didn't offer any help or advice I focused on reaching that cliff as fast as I could. He was closer than I was.

His voice made itself present in my head again.

"What the hell is that? She looks like she's talking to someone, but there's no one there!" I could see the mental picture through Sam's eyes. Bella was standing with her back to him and she seemed to be shouting at someone that was standing in front of her.

I was close enough that I could see her standing on the cliff with her hands spread wide.

And then she fell.

"No!" I shouted, but she was already gone.

Sam and I reached the top of the cliff and looked down at the foaming waves.

I let out a sob.

"I'm so sorry, Jake," Sam's voice was full of sorrow and compassion. "I can't believe she did this."

"She wasn't sane Sam. She had hallucinations of people and stuff, she had blank periods, recurring nightmares… And now she committed suicide." Another sob broke from my throat.

"I loved her with all my heart. But it was never enough…" I whispered in agony.

The wind blew around us and I let it take my grief and blow it away over the ocean. Away from me.

I actually felt sorry for Jake, but also for Bella... That's the reason I don't like stories like this... But this one in particular moved me so...

Anyway, I just want to tell you in case that it wasn't clear enough: During those ten years Bella did lose her mind, but she wasn't particularly aware of it. Edward appearing on the cliff was just a hallucination.

I hope you liked it and I'd be grateful if you left both me and Love-Twi some love.

Mimozka