Race of the Heart

Another Generic Story About Legend of Zelda Characters Facing Epic Trials and Tribulations of High School Existence

"Class?" Headmaster Rauru began in his signature stuffy, grunting voice. "We have a new student." He gestured to the doors in the back of the sparse classroom to a young man with unkempt golden locks and a curiously medieval looking ensemble of a green tunic and white pantaloons. He stood at the entrance looking nervous as his widening eyes scoured every nook and cranny for potential places to sit. After all, what's more terrifying than finding a place to sit?

"His name is Link." Rauru paused and furrowed his brow. "Hmmm...It appears that the roll does not contain your last name, young man."

The young man slowly, cautiously lumbered in. "Um, aye—sorry about that. It's just Link."

Rauru sighed. "Right, of course. No last name. Silly me." He proceeded to mumble something under his breath something about the state of youth in the present day, his faulty relationship with his mother, and his general nihilistic outlook on the world. "Fine, now take a seat please."

The only seat available happened to be coincidentally wedged between several highly attractive females, and a large red headed, ashen skinned man who did not look especially friendly. Link deduced that last bit when the man stuck out a leg to trip him as he moved to sit down.

Link's face suddenly became much more intimate with the ceramic floor than he ever expected as his skull smacked down onto the cold surface. The next thing he recalled was a face traced with long wheat colored hair and crowned with violet eyes staring down at him. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Aye." He managed uneasily, trying to regain his footing as his rescuer hoisted him up.

"Ignore Ganondorf, he's a bit of a prick."

Link nodded in the affirmative as his senses finally restored themselves. And he was thankful that they did. For the face of his apparent rescuer was the same face that he saw plastered on every reasonably flat surface in the Kingdom of Hyrule: Princess Zelda Harkinian, daughter of King Gustavus Harkinian. Fortunately, Link was too dazed to contemplate the complete absurdity of Princess Zelda's presence both in public and as a student in a state school. So Link could only give off his most genuine—in other words goofy—smile, and proceeded to sit at the sole desk available.

Headmaster Rauru had apparently continued his lesson without missing a beat, and was either ignorant of negligent of the bodily injury sustained by his new pupil: "In syllogistic logic, the most common premise is 'if p, therefore q,' written out: 'P-Q.' This form of syllogistic inference is called 'modus ponens.' However, what happens logically if there is a state of not q? Well, then therefore not p either, written thus 'P-Q, ~P- ~Q.' This is called 'modus tollens,' another form of logical inference…"

Link found it somewhat insulting that he was apparently being taught the alphabet. Why the bloody 'ell does he care so much about the letters p and q anyway? He thought to himself. Looking around, apparently he was not alone in being absolutely bored out of his mind. The red head with immense quantities of perfume (no doubt to conceal her faint odor of horse manure) fluttered her eyelashes knowingly at him with folded hands extended in her lap. The woman—girl rather—immediately behind 'Red' leaned over to obstruct her view of Link. She had short green hair and smelled like weeds. She made an even more exaggerated smile. Finally, to complete the feminine orgy of adoration, a gray skinned red headed Amazonian looking woman wearing clothing that clearly did not comply with the school dress code grabbed both 'Red' and 'Green's' skulls and pushed them to the ground as she took 'Red's' seat. Link looked behind him and saw Zelda pitting each of the three girls with a probably the most threatening and terrifying look he had ever seen in his seventeen years of life. Link felt a bead of sweat course down his forehead.

As the plot started to take shape into what appeared to be a love pentagon predictably featuring Link, Zelda, Saria, Midna, and Malon, and possibily featuring a showdown with the evil Ganondorf, a messenger hurried into the classroom and presented Headmaster Rauru a folded piece of paper.

Headmaster Rauru looked over the note several times, his brow furrowed in complete bewilderment. He cleared his throat. "It appears that the Narrator has decided that this story is, quote, 'boring, insipid, and lifeless.' He is quite upset that the story has not featured any explosions or fatalities, and accuses it of 'simply indulging in the narcissistic monotony of high school existence. Therefore, this story will become one about space pirates."

As the entire classroom was transported to the bridge of Hylian Space Battlecruiser Jolly Goron, Link turned towards the invisible fourth wall that separates the Narrator's existence from that of the story's.

"Wait a tick! This was supposed to be a nice and easy teen angst high school story where there was no blood, gore, or nuthin.' Nobody gets killed. Just a bunch of relationship drama."

The Narrator groaned, not sure whether to discontinue his electroshock therapy—designed to rescue him from the blasé depression the story had thus far induced. "Yes, but relationship drama—especially high school relationship drama—is lethally boring to everyone who is not in high school. Such drama is typically written with the perverse notion that high school is the single most important period of a person's existence. I mean, consider whether people would read another kind of education based drama: 'the Hero of Time must deal with assorted social and relationship issues while pursuing his doctorate degree in geriatric urology.' Or, 'the Hero of Time must prevail against the harsh and indomitable realities of social existence as he attempts to obtain his fishing certification.' So unless you prefer that, power up your particle cannons Captain Link of the Space Battlecruiser Jolly Goron—the Gerudian Mothership Annhilator is bearing down on you at flank speed and it preparing to lock on with nucleic quantum disintegrators."

Link scoffed incredulously. "Look mate, can't we compromise?"

The Narrator sighed in resignation. "Fine," and grumbled something as he snapped his fingers.

In an instant the entire class found themselves in the middle of what looked to be a winding asphalt race track. Link scratched his blond locks in confusion.

Zelda approached his side. "Well, we're not in space at least, it's a start…"

Headmaster Rauru cleared his throat. "Apparently, I have been instructed to cease teaching syllogistic logic immediately and to teach driver's education instead."

The stout looking Niko raised his hand cautiously: "So…how is that going to work?"

Rauru shrugged dismissively. "Well, that's simple enough. I will ride in an automobile with each of you and I will test you on basic automotive skills—driving, breaking, parallel parking, signaling, reversing, and so on and so forth. I also expect all of you to religiously observe all speed limits."

From seemingly nowhere, the messenger returned and conveyed to Rauru another message. Rauru raised an eyebrow in something that appeared to register as surprise on Rauru's otherwise stoic visage. "Apparently the rules have been modified slightly. Rather than perform individual driving tests, we are going to have a drag race to the death in which the survivor is awarded with a driver's license."

Rauru directed the class to a fleet of cars parked before a checkered stretch of asphalt that marked the starting and ending point of the race. Ganondorf chuckled at Link and Zelda as he stalked passed them and made his way to his vehicle.

Link's case narrowed as his mortal enemy marched past. "We've got to stop him." Link resolved as he clenched his fist.

Zelda arched an eyebrow. "Why, because he'll use the Triforce of Power to kill all of us?"

Link shook his head and gritted his teeth in dread. "No…because once he gets his driver's license, and after his yearlong 10:00 pm curfew expires, he'll be unstoppable. He'll conquer the world! Or at least make the road marginally more dangerous than it already is."

Her hand gently landed on his shoulder as her lips briefly parted into a smile. "Then we better stop him." Had Link been cognizant of his surroundings, he might have noticed the jealous stares of Malon, Saria, and Midna. The trio began arguing amongst themselves as to who would get to ride with Link. Naturally, words became increasingly obsolete in such a conversation, and they, quite reasonably, began beating the snot out of each other. Malon made an erratic right hook, but Saria was much better with her uppercut which neatly registered onto Malon's pitiable chin. Meanwhile, unfortunate Midna spontaneously transformed into an imp like creature and was trampled. Ganondorf paused, and turned around. "Hmm…it's just a pity there's not any mud," he said as he continued on his way to his car.

Only gradually becoming bored of the mutually destructive cat fight, the young Kokiri Mido approached Rauru. "Oi! Headmaster! How do ya drive these buggers?"

Rauru rubbed his creased forehead with his palm. "Mido, I clearly addressed this in class between my lectures on 'modus tollens' and 'commutativity of conjunction.' Simply follow the 416 point instructions I painstakingly laid out."

"Uh…o'course Headmaster…" Mido approached his car while rubbing the back of his neck. "It can't be too hard, can it?" He sat down in the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition. The entire class gasped as Mido's car was suddenly engulfed by a fiery explosion.

Rauru sighed deeply while shaking his balding head. "That's why, children, it's important to pay attention in class," he suggested as flaming debris rained down from a blackening sky.

One by one the driver's filed into their respective vehicles, situating themselves as they gripped for the great battle that prophecy had long ago foretold—or at least a really, really fast race. Link took his position behind all other cars as he walked up to a bright green…Toyota Prius. Link groaned as he turned toward the Narrator's position behind the existential barrier. "Really! What the 'ell? A bloody Prius?"

The Narrator shrugged. "I thought the Hero of Time would also want to be the Hero of Environmentalism...after all, you are 'Green.'" Everybody in the universe collectively cringed at the corpse of one of the worst puns ever.

"Aye that mate, but really? A Prius? It'd be faster if I got out and pushed it."

The Narrator huffed. "All you do is whine, whine, whine!" He hissed behind invisibly clenched teeth. "Bollocks! Fine…but this is the last concession I give you."

Zelda smiled at Link in admiration for standing up to the custodian of their literary existence. The Princess looked intently into the depths of Link's eyes. Link chuckled a bit nervously and starred right back. Which is precisely when the Narrator replaced Link's Prius with a brilliant white Bugatti Veyron—the prince of all super cars—with a seven speed DGS sequential transmission, eight liter quad-turbocharged 863 kilowatt 1,200 metric horsepower sixteen cylinder engine, top speed of 253.81 miles per hour, cross drilled radially vented carbon fiber reinforced silicon carbide composite disc brakes, acceleration-

"Come on!" Zelda groaned as her eye danced its twitchy beat. "We were having a moment for Din's sake! It's the only character development we've had in this story and you interrupt it for car stats! Just leave us alone and let the story play out, right Link? Um…Link?"

Zelda heard "Woohoo! Yessss!" as an obviously mad and salivating Link ran with wild abandon to his new automotive prize. Zelda walked over to the driver's window of the love of Link's life. Link jerked the steering wheel back and forth as he mumbled "Vroooooom…vroooooooom…Errrrrrrrrgh…vroooooom….vrooooooooom!"After what seemed like an eternity of completely gratuitous car noises and self-inflicted emasculation, he noticed the none-too-pleased woman peering into the car.

"Um…" He laughed sheepishly. "Hi!" Zelda's lips flattened and her eyes narrowed on the child who was trying to rapidly return to young adulthood. "Umm…so you, want a lift?"

Zelda groaned as she methodically shook her head. "I don't even know why I do this…"

Link grinned. "That's the spirit! Um…got a wee bit of a question for you…" Zelda arched an eyebrow. "You know how to…drive a stick?"

Zelda snorted as she tried, in vain, to hold back laughter. "You're joking, right?"

Link's eyes turned towards his boots. "Um…no."

Zelda snickered. "Fine, I'll change gears for you," she said as she situated herself in the passenger's seat, and draped her leg over the center console so she could use the clutch. Link's face briefly singed pink as her leg touched his. He gulped.

Link sighed. "Look Zelda, if we don't make it out of here…"

Zelda shook her head as her mouth blossomed into a melancholic smile. "It's okay, Link, I know…"

"Aye? You do?"

Zelda continued to smile at the now reddening hero. "How could I not?"

Link shook his head in shock. "It's just I never told anybody that my middle name is Eustace."

"Class!" Rauru's voice boomed from the megaphone. "Start your engines!"

Link felt absolute exhilaration as his eight liter quad-turbocharged 863 kilowatt 1,200 metric horsepower sixteen engine roared to life as it prepared for 253 miles per hour of pure—

"Oh would you come off it!" Zelda thundered at the Narrator.

"Fine!" He said.

Link felt good that his engine turned on.

"Better." Zelda grunted.

Rauru continued. "On your mark…get set…wait for it!" But somebody did not wait for it as Twinrovas' BMW M3 thundered passed the start marker. Rauru produced the rocket propelled grenade launcher he kept for just such an occasion, and released a hollow shaped charge of death at the fraudulent miscreants. The M3 was vaporized in a column of fire and smoke. "Go!" Rauru thundered.

Ganondorf's McClaren F1 stampeded its way in front almost instantaneously as he ran Kafei off the road—his car spinning out controllably as it careened into a wall.

Link put the dead weight of his boot down onto the gas pedal as he rocketed forward. "Second gear!" He shouted at Zelda as her leg, dangly across the center console, awkwardly mashed in the clutch and jerked the gear shift back from first to second. Link almost thought he could hear snickering coming from the passenger seat, but he dismissed it as an illusion. Link had no difficulty quickly overtaking Marin since, as a sea gull, she operated the steering wheel only with great difficulty. More difficult was the expert driver Error who constantly feinted as if he was going to run Link off the road. Link jerked the steering wheel to his right instinctively as he struggled to keep his precious Bugatti from spinning out. However, as Error steered into the curve, he made a critical mistake of braking far too much, causing his Toyota Supra to spin out onto the grassy field in the center of the track. Quite odd since Error was almost always correct.

Vaati had been far more industrious and was tailing Ganondorf's black and red McClaren. However, as Vaati slyly moved to the McClaren's right to pass during a turn, Vaati noticed Ganondorf's passenger window descend. The last thing Vaati saw was Ganondorf's signature trident hurl out of the car at an amazing velocity, puncturing the delicate body of Vaati's roadster, instantly—and inexplicably—converting the car into a tower of flames.

Ganondorf stormed triumphantly onward and was almost oblivious to another driver appearing in his rear view mirror to challenge his supremacy. The Great Deku Tree was a driver of incomparable skill and somehow had managed to nearly catch the great King of Evil in a hybrid (the Deku Tree is, after all, environmentally conscious). Unfortunately, the Great Deku Tree's roots burst through the floor boards of his racer as they attetmpted to take root in the asphalt of the race track. The Deku Tree reflected that he was always took root at the worst possible times.

"Oh, bother." The Deku Tree droned in his massive baritone. Unfortunately, all other racers failed to notice that there was now a tree rooted to the track, and failed to evade him in enough time. The massive fire ball resulting from dozens of cars slamming into the Deku Tree became stuff of legend. Link barely noticed the mushroom cloud crowning the inferno directly in front of him.

"Left!" Zelda screamed as Link twisted the wheel left in order to avoid the burning wreckage. Link and Zelda slammed against the ceiling violently as the Bugatti plowed into the grassy center of the race car. The car heaved up and down as Link tried to maneuver his racer back onto the track. Link's slammed his foot down on the gas pedal as his tires now regained traction on the paved asphalt.

Only Ganondorf and Link now remained. Link weaved in and out of turns with reckless abandon as his automotive battleship bore down on Ganondorf's McClaren. After perhaps a minute, Link had triumphantly saddled up beside his greatest foe.

Ganondorf sneered at the duo as he lowered his window, giving a vicious smile as he hoisted up another trident with his powerful arms. "You thought you could defeat me, Hero of Time!" His laugh was a roar. "You cannot stop me from getting my driver's license. Soon, after I can legally drive after dark and get a job to pay for petrol, the world shall feel my power!"

Link turned toward Zelda, his face completely absent of any hope. "I'm sorry I got us into this, Zel…" He whispered meekly. "If it's worth anything, I want you to know that…" Before Link could reveal any more doubtlessly interesting information about himself, Zelda brandished a bow and aimed it and a steel tipped arrow squarely towards Ganondorf.

The King of Evil's eyes briefly flared in fright before they narrowed in incredulous rage. Contempt flooded Ganondorf's visage at the very idea that anyone would challenge him. "Go ahead! Try to vanquish me with your childish weapon!"

Zelda took a breath, and without fanfare the arrow was loosed. Ganondorf snarled and gritted his teeth. When he realized that Zelda had clearly missed, he roared in triumphant laughter as he prepared to hurl his trident at their feckless forms.

Had Zelda missed entirely, the pair would have been doomed since it did not occur to Link that he could simply evade Ganondorf. However, Ganondorf failed entirely to notice that the arrow hadn't hit him, but had instead hit the car's fuel line. Fuel gushed out of Ganondorf's vehicle, leaving a noxious trail of petrol in his wake.

Link grinned slightly as he lit a cigar and took a steady puff. A flick of a finger sent the cigar soaring towards Ganondorf's car. The cigar sparked and ignited the trail of fuel. Ganondorf looked in horror as flames began to consume both his vehicle, and himself. After a few rage induced screams and profanities, Ganondorf's once magnificent car finally erupted into flames.

"Um…" Zelda began uneasily. "I rather just wanted him to run out of petrol."

Link frowned and lowered his head as they victoriously roared across the finish line. "Oh…"

The pair parked and exited their vehicle as Rauru came out to meet them. "Congratulations Link, your Highness." He said, nodding to each. "You've saved Hyrule." He said as the noxious clouds of smoke and tufts of flame soared above the now destroyed landscape. "However, because you committed unsportsmanlike conduct in blowing up Ganondorf's car, I am afraid that neither of you are eligible to receive your license."

Link released the breath and anxiety he did not realize he had been holding. "Aye, we really did it—" he was stopped short as something interrupted his speech midsentence. His eyes widened in surprise as he realized it was Zelda's lips.

Link smiled broadly. "I like high school stories. We should do another one."

The Narrator huffed in frustration as he returned. "Alright, I'm back. I just had to—oh."

THE END

Author's Note: Perhaps a bit silly. Bringing the Monty Pythonesque humor of my very visual imagination to paper might not, in fact, be the best idea. I don't think I have ever written something so deliberately insane, and I don't think I ever will again. I think it's a bit too silly. What do you think? That being said, I am pleased with the concept at least. I have decided now that I love high school based Legend of Zelda fanfictions. Don't forget to read and review, and also take a look at Da Capo Al Fine and His Fist, my two other large narratives which I will return to soon enough. Also check out my other comedies Comrade Link, A Romantic Tale With Gratuitous Class Angst, and Clear and PRESENT Danger. It would also be nice if anyone would be interested in Beta-Reading Da Capo al Fine. I am toying with some novel format ideas and wanted know if someone wanted in on the collaborative process. Thanks!