Kensi's side of the story

Kensi is at a total and complete loss of what to do. This day was a hard one, there's not a doubt about that in her mind. Sometimes, she wonders what her life would be like if she never became a federal agent. Things would definitely be a lot easier. She wouldn't have to constantly change her routine. She would be able to go to the same coffee shop every single day. That would be great but she's not meant to have that kind of life and she knows it. She's not meant to have the easy life and she has known this ever since someone had knocked on her door to tell her that her father was dead. That had ended her childhood and showed her things would never be easy for her.

It sounds a bit harsh to say that she lost all her hopes for a better future that day. She didn't. She just gradually accepted that her life was not supposed to be the one of someone who is happy just by sitting on a couch all day, talking to people on the phone, arranging block-parties…That's just not who she is. That's not someone she wishes she was, actually.

Now, looking at her partner while he packs all his belongings and gets ready to leave the office, she wishes she could have the easy life just for a little bit. It would sure hurt a lot less than this. She can't really blame Deeks for what he's doing right now. Any other person would have turned and walked away a long time ago. She's surprised he managed to hold on for this long.

She's hard to handle, that's not exactly a secret to anyone who knows her. Deeks is the kind of guy who has the need to know everything. He can't stand not knowing and that's the reason why he's leaving. It sounds really stupid but it's the truth. He's leaving because he can't stand not knowing. That's not what he said to Hetty or to the rest of the team but she knows better than that. She knows him better than that.

Kensi finally summons the courage to walk downstairs. She walks as silently as she can, afraid that the smallest of sounds will make him leave even faster. Deeks looks up when she gets close enough. He refuses to meet her eyes but she sees the anger and frustration in his. He doesn't say a word but the way he harshly throws his things to the box is a clear indication that he wants to. She wants to beg him to yell at her, to lecture her about her huge amount of issues…Hell, she wants him to fight with her. She would even let him punch her if needed. She knows he would never lay a hand on her without the intention of comforting her but she wishes he would, just this once. Because anything would be better than this, in her book. Anything would hurt less than watching him leave, willingly.

No one has told him to leave. That's probably what hurts the most. Many people left her life, that's for sure, but she thought this would be different. At least her father and Dom left without a choice, they left because of things they could not control. Jack left without that kind of reason but she tries to convince herself he did that because of her, because he thought she would be better off without him. Now, Deeks leaving her without anyone asking him to leave is killing her. Her heart is breaking because she thought he would never leave. She thought he would be there for her whenever she needed him to be. She was wrong.

Kensi curses herself for her naivety but she still tries to remain strong and tries to talk to him, even though it hurts her even more than staying in silence.

"This is it, then? You're really going to leave?" That's not exactly the question she wants him to answer but the other one is too dangerous to be said out loud. His answer to the other question could cause damage behind repair inside of her.

"I told you that my decision was final. I don't belong here." That's what he's been saying all day but she knows better than that. That stupid sentence might have worked with the rest of the team but it won't work with her. Somehow, she is sure he knows that as well as she does. It bothers her that he didn't even think of a better excuse to give to her. It makes her think that maybe he really is trying to hurt her.

"I'm not stupid, Deeks. Why are you leaving?" Deeks throws his mug into the box with a lot more force than necessary before looking at her. This time, she's the one who doesn't dare to meet his eyes. She gave him that mug. She really is trying to hurt her. Deeks walks closer to her and she can see he's angry just by the way he walks. As soon as he's close enough to her, Deeks grabs her chin and makes her look at him.

"You want the truth? I'll give you the truth but we will never talk about this again. I'm leaving because I can't stand to work with you, Kensi. I know you're complicated but this is just pushing my patience to a limit, okay? It pisses me off to know that everyone in the building knows you better than what I do. That makes me sick because you've been my partner for 7 months now and I still have the feeling that you don't trust me, that you don't really want me here. I'm leaving because you give me no other choice. I don't belong here. Everyone hates my at LAPD but at least I won't have to look at my partner every single day and have that little voice inside my head telling me she doesn't trust me. I'm done saving someone who clearly doesn't want to be saved."

He lets go off her chin and walks to his desk. Deeks picks up his things and walks out of the building without even looking at her.

She'll never tell him how much she cried that night after he left.

She will never tell him how much that hurt.

She will never tell him how much she needs him.

X

X

Two weeks…he's been gone for two weeks. Callen looks at her all the time, watching over her. Sam does the same but at least he tries to hide it. Callen doesn't even bother doing so. They're waiting her to break down, she knows that. She can't tell them she has already cried enough because of this, can't tell them she's been crying herself to sleep every night for the past two weeks and that she wakes up with nightmares in the middle of every single night.

Hetty stops her from leaving after the day of work. Callen and Sam left hours ago but Kensi delayed that moment because her house is just another place where she thinks too much. Hetty hands her an envelope with Deeks name written on it. Kensi looks at her questioningly and Hetty explains.

"I was going to give him this but he decided to leave. Those are the papers that would make him an NCIS agent. He just needed to sign those to make it official."

"Why are you giving me this?" Her boss smiles at her. It's a gentle smile…the kind of smile a mother would use to comfort her daughter after a bad day.

"Deeks is a part of this team, my dear…a part of the family. I'm giving you those because I know you'll do what you think it is best with them. I trust your judgment." Hetty walks away and so does Kensi.

A strange sense of overwhelming courage takes over her body and Kensi finds herself parking her car just outside LAPD. She knows Deeks is still in there because his car is still parked outside. She grabs the envelope and walks inside. She finds his desk immediately and walks to him, suddenly feeling both anxious and nervous.

Deeks looks up as soon as she stops in front of his desk but turns his eyes back to the paperwork in front of him as soon as he sees who's there. Kensi sighs and puts the envelope in front of him. Again, Deeks doesn't look up, doesn't even say a word to her.

"Hetty wanted you to become an agent. She was going to give you these but you decided to leave so…" This time he actually looks at her but not with the goofy smile she's grown used to see.

"I thought I had made myself very clear when I talked to you two weeks ago. I'm not going to become an agent. I'm not going back. Now, leave me alone!" He turns back to the papers and Kensi feels a tear making its way down her cheek. She wipes it away as fast as she can because she can't allow herself to be weak in front of the person who is hurting her so much in the first place. She turns to walk away but a frightening thought stops her and she turns back to him, even though he still won't look at her.

"I'll leave but I have one more question to you. If something were to happen to me, would you still care?" Kensi waits for his answer or for a movement that will give him away but nothing happens. He doesn't say a word, doesn't move a muscle. She knows what his answer is and it breaks what was left from her broken heart.

Kensi turns and walks away from him.

X

X

It's after midnight but she knows he's not sleeping yet. Kensi parks her car outside Callen's house and rings his doorbell. Callen answers it right away and motions for her to come in. She shakes her head and he seems worried for a moment. At least someone cares about her…

"I know it's late but I need you to make me a promise." Callen nods and she continues after taking a long breath. "In our work we face an incredibly amount of danger every single day. I need you to promise me that if something ever happens to me, Deeks will be the last person you will call." Callen seems shocked with her request and tries to talk her out of it but she stops him from doing so.

"Please, Callen, I need you to promise me this. Promise me you won't call him, G! He doesn't care anymore…Please!" She allows Callen to see just how broken she is and he nods after staring at her for a few seconds, promising her to do exactly as she wants.

Kensi hugs him and walks to her car, knowing that tonight she will cry herself to sleep once again and that the only person who is capable of fixing this whole mess has stopped caring about her. The worst part is that this is probably her fault.

She's the one who pushed him away.

X

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This idea has been floating around in my head for the whole day and I needed to put it all out on the paper. I have Deeks side of the story too and then the conclusion so it will be a three-shot.

Tell me what you think about it and I'll post the next one if you think this is good.

Sarah