Icha Icha Yaoi

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. Masashi Kishimoto owns it. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended and no funds have been acquired for this work. This is an adult themed story and may contain some of the following: violence, swearing, and strong sexual, and/or adult situations.

SUMMARY: Jiraiya gets a new idea on how to increase his fan base and it has interesting consequences for our favorite Otokage and his medic. Major OOCness and 100% percent crack fic.

Volume One

The entire Sound Village was in titters over it. Some laughed hysterically and some had massive nosebleeds. Others slammed their bedroom doors shut and got off on it. Overall, the fan club, female and male, managed to keep it quiet. They enjoyed it and wanted to keep it as long as possible.

Unfortunately, Orochimaru and Kabuto weren't stupid and they knew something was going on with the shinobi of the Sound Village. Something peculiar that made battle hardened men blush and war tempered women squeal with utter abandon whenever Orochimaru or Kabuto happened to walk by.

It was amusing for a short period. However, Orochimaru, never the most even-tempered of men, quickly became irritated. He vented his anger on Kabuto by smacking the medic upside the head and ordered him to find out what the hell had infected his hidden village. The Sannin left his petulant med nin rubbing the back of his head and went off to relax at a local onsen.

Kabuto stalked around the hidden village grumbling about bossy older men who were too lazy to do any actual work themselves and took his frustrations out by ruthlessly interrogating a few unsuspecting nin. However, much to Kabuto's dismay they proved resilient and resisted torture. Growling to himself, he was not a first class spy for nothing, he henged into a small adorable chibi and pranced around innocently looking for clues.

Meanwhile, in the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Jiraiya, one of the Legendary Sannin anxiously awaited for an opinion.

"Well, what do you think?"

Tsunade, Godaime Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village and also a Legendary Sannin, stuffed tissues up her nose.

"I think he's going to kill you when he finds out."

Jiraiya ignored the commentary and focused on the massive nosebleed she had suffered. Success! He was a genius! He was going to become even more famous and ten times wealthier than he already was! On top of it all, it would irritate his former comrade turned traitor!

Elsewhere, at a local onsen in the Land of Sound, Orochimaru, the third member of the Legendary Sannin, heaved a sigh and luxuriated in the hot springs. This was the life. He loved being the Otokage. He had power, wealth, and an unlimited amount of people on which to conduct his experiments. All without actually having to run his village because he forced poor Kabuto into doing it all. It was nice having obedient little minions. He frowned briefly. Although, lately everyone was giving the two of them weird looks and "covert" glances. Even the owner of the onsen had done it. It was irksome. The Snake Sannin's ire disappeared as soon as he remembered that he had killed the onsen owner for his temerity. Heaving another happy little sigh, confident that Kabuto would get to the bottom of things; he relaxed and soaked his worries away.

In the Village of Sound Kabuto Yakushi stared aghast at the object in his hands. While it and those like it were not officially banned, it was frowned upon owning one. Of course, if you were caught possessing one it would inevitably lead to your demise. This particular copy not only guaranteed your demise but a few weeks of torture along with it. Still, Kabuto could not look away. Swallowing he let out a little incoherent whimper and slid the object into his pouch. He went to look for more its kind. Just to confiscate them of course. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

The fan club grumbled but when Kabuto threatened to tell the Otokage of their sin they begrudgingly handed their precious objects over. Secretly they plotted how to purchase more. Kabuto took the collection and burned it. Except for one. He kept that one. He didn't know why and if Orochimaru-sama ever found out it didn't bode well for him. But it was like a car crash, he simply couldn't stop staring.

Later that night Orochimaru strolled back to his lair. He had killed three civilians that day for looking at him funny. What was with the people in Sound lately? Where was their fear, their awe for him? Striding to Kabuto's room he slammed the door open.

"Kabuto! I thought I told you to...what on earth?"

A very startled Kabuto jumped up four feet into the air, pants undone, with a hand wrapped around his cock. The mortified nin desperately tried to cover himself and hide the object he had been looking at and succeeded in doing neither very well.

A very stunned Sannin simply gaped at Kabuto for a few minutes before tearing his gaze off the boy's crotch and his eyes alighting upon the object. He reached out and picked it up, giving it a cursory glance before turning back to his med nin, who had given up pulling his pants back on and simply covered himself with a sheet, unable to meet the Sannin's eyes.

"I ordered you to find out the cause for the change in behavior with my ninja and you're in here instead wanking off to...to…to… what the hell is this? Icha Icha! What the fuck! You know I hate all of Jiraiya's works, why the hell do you have one!"

Angry, Orochimaru furiously glared down at the poor book. Porn! Kabuto was reading and getting off to porn written by his most hated enemy! The good-for-nothing, lazy, ungrateful...wait...those weren't women on the cover. Those weren't women at all! Those were men! Two men, one with long black hair and it looked like the other one had silver hair and glasses. Almost like Kabuto...

'Oh, no he didn't,' Orochimaru thought incredulously, his eyes widening in shock as he quickly scanned the rest of the book. Unfortunately, each picture eerily resembled Kabuto and him committing unspeakable acts. Flipping to a written page the Snake Sannin read a few lines in abject disbelief. This is why everyone was giving him and Kabuto those looks!

He was going to kill Jiraiya. Very, very, very, very slowly. With lots of blood and poison and pain involved. Furious he broke the book's spine in half and turned his golden gaze back to Kabuto.

"You...you...,"

Wait a minute. Orochimaru's gaze went from the broken porn novel to his personal medic. Several times. Kabuto had been masturbating to a yaoi novel, a novel that for all intents and purposes featured the two of them. Understanding flashed in the Sannin's eyes and Kabuto shuddered as he hunched in further. Orochimaru turned and fled...err, walked quickly away from the room, the poor little novel that did nothing wrong still clutched in his hand.

Kabuto heard his door slam shut and curled up into a little ball rocking back and forth. It wasn't his fault! He hadn't meant to! He only perused a few pages, just to check to make sure that the novel was… uh...authentic. Yeah, that's it! Make sure it was authentic. He hadn't intended on becoming engrossed by it and he hadn't meant to fondle himself while staring at those horrible pictures. He most certainly hadn't meant to daydream about what some of those perverted scenarios would actually feel like. It was the book's fault! It bewitched him! Yeah, that's it! It was all the book's fault. That sneaky, conniving, dastardly book! Kabuto shuddered again and wanted to die. There was no way he could face Orochimaru-sama again.

For his part, Orochimaru was pacing the length of his room trying to wrap his boggled mind around the fact that Kabuto was apparently gay for him and the many ways to kills Jiraiya slowly. It was disgraceful! Unacceptable! No wonder he was losing the fear and respect of his nin and citizens. He was staring in a porn novel! With Kabuto! It was a wonder he hadn't been laughed out of office!

Inarticulate with rage Orochimaru picked up the poor little novel, the book parting to a rather graphic scene between himself and Kabuto. It was ludicrous, that sex position wasn't even possible, and it was horrifying, it was obscene...actually...now that he studied the drawing further; it was well...kinda hot. Did Kabuto really look like that with his hair down? His mind flashed briefly to his unexpected view of Kabuto's privates and intrigued despite himself he flipped to another drawing. This one had him sitting down with Kabuto perched on top, his body arched and his face flushed with pleasure, and...riding him? Glancing around to make sure no one was watching the Sannin flipped back the first page and started to read. Just to see if Jiraiya's writing had improved at all over the years. That was the only reason.

A few hours later Kabuto jumped up four feet into the air again as his door was kicked open and slammed shut. He flinched and braced for the worst beating of his life. So, he was rather surprised when he found himself thrown back onto the bed, his clothes literally ripped off his body, and his master's lips crashing down onto his. The damn book surfaced to Kabuto's mind once more and overcome by pornographic pictures and words he indulged in the sensations heating his blood, his master running eager hands up and down his body.

Orochimaru licked, kissed, and bit his personal assistant, wrapping his hands in a curtain of silver hair as he pulled it free from the confines of the hair tie. He stared down at the flushed and panting man below him and his breath caught. He dove back into the sweetness that was Kabuto's mouth and proceeded to elicit more of those throaty little moans and gasps from him.

Sometime later the Otokage played out his favorite scene and had Kabuto ride him, his hard cock sheathed inside Kabuto's tight little ass. He caressed sweat-slicked skin, his breath coming in harsh gasps as Kabuto impaled himself repeatedly. Each minute stretched by like hours as the two men indulged in carnal pleasure. Orochimaru used his ingenious tongue to stroke Kabuto to orgasm as he jerked the medic's hips down, spilling himself deep inside.

Orochimaru moved Kabuto into his room the very next day and continued to try out every position in Icha Icha. Kabuto complied all too eagerly. The fan club was elated and devoted themselves fanatically to Orochimaru and the Sound Village. In fact, as word spread that the hot bishies in the very first Icha Icha yaoi novel did in fact exist and were real life partners the Land of Sound began to grow at an alarming rate. It soon became the sixth great shinobi country.

Tsunade beat the ever loving crap out of Jiraiya for unintentionally strengthening the position and status of Konoha's most feared criminal right before she had to leave for an official meeting of the Kages. A meeting hosted by none other than Sound. She had a massive nosebleed when she spotted her former teammate and his partner holding hands and standing indecently close to each other.

Jiraiya made a colossal fortune after he recovered from his beating and opened up a new market in the porn industry. His next book was delayed in coming out on the promised publishing as Orochimaru made it very clear that he and his bitch, err Kabuto, were not to be featured again by plaguing Jiraiya with hordes of hissing snakes whenever he tried to sleep or get down with some pretty lil' thing. Hence, the next volume of Icha Icha Yaoi featured a hot brown haired schoolteacher with a bad temper and an enigmatic masked man.

To be continued...