Author's Note:
Imagine this: You and your friend (read: Eva dealer) have been watching NGE the series over the course of the past few weeks, yet due to scheduling conflicts and other intrusions by RealLife ©, you've only seen up to episode twenty. This is your first time watching the series and yet you've already developed an unhealthy infatuation with Rei Ayanami, have pre-ordered the Evangelion Perfect Sessions DVD boxed set, and consider the series the greatest thing you've experienced since Cowboy Bebop and/or Sobe-brand Dragon Tea…You are an Eva addict.But chances are, you know what I'm talking about.
As a writer, you take this in stride. You could easily have a nervous breakdown and sneak into your friend's dorm room late at night to inquire if you could finish watching the series (and by "inquire" I mean, "threaten him with a sharp spork"). But instead, you release the flow of creativity by jotting down the constant brain farts that pop into your mind. Following is what happens when unfocused ideas find a release. Read, review, slander, ignore, and/or enjoy.
Deprivation
, or "God help me, it's been three weeks without Eva."Disclaimer:
I don't own the property Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its associated characters or licenses.Camera's POV; a still shot overlooking:
INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. CENTRAL DOGMA.
Major Katsuragi, Ritsuko, and the rest of the crew watch the viewscreen. It shows a picturesque landscape of forest and mountains.
Misato:
And I'm looking at…?
Ritsuko:
Keep watching.
Misato turns back to the screen, now vibrating, as Eva Unit 01 runs by, kicking up dirt and leveling trees in its path.
Yossarian (v.o):
WOOO-HOOOOOO!!!
It disappears offscreen followed by a phalanx of those nifty-cool futuristic helicopters. Misato stares, wide-eyed.
Misato:
Oh dear God.
Ritsuko:
Yup.
Misato:
How the hell did he, of all people, get access to an Evangelion?!
Ritsuko:
Ask the prodigal son.
Shinji comes running into frame. He screeches to a halt under Misato's glare.
Shinji:
It's not my fault!
Misato:
Explain.
Shinji:
(Sweatdrops)
Well….I… kinda sorta said that it'd be okay if he came to the facility and saw the Evas up close. "No big deal", I thought. "It's not like he'll try and steal one."
Misato regards him with a stare normally reserved for the mentally deficient and pro-wrestling fans. Shinji shrugs helplessly.
The viewscreen shows a live feed from one of the copters circling Unit 01.
Misato:
(Into microphone)
Okay, playtime's over. Get out of the Eva or it's your ass.
Yossarian (v.o):
Goddamn! I can't believe you guys don't just live in these things! They're sweet! And by sweet, I mean totally cool!
Ritsuko takes the microphone from Misato, whose left eye has suddenly developed an unhealthy twitch.
Ritsuko:
Yossarian? Author or not, we're going to waste you in a blaze of glory if you don't stop acting like a child and get out of the giant bio-weapon, m'kay?
Yossarian (v.o):
Give me a minute…..no.
Shinji:
(Muttering to himself)
Three fully functional Evas and you pick mine. Could've taken Unit Zero or even Unit Two, but OH NO we've got pick on Shinji, it's not like his life doesn't suck en-
Yossarian (v.o):
Oh come on Ikari, it's not like you were using it.
Shiji:
The only time I "use" it is for fighting otherworldly monsters hell-bent on the destruction of mankind! Big-ass fighting robots are made with a purpose in mind! You don't just take it out for a cruise like some P.O.S hatchback whenever you feel like it!
Yossarian (v.o):
Hey, I drive a P.O.S hatchback.
Shinji:
Do I care? Give me back my Eva, you bastard!
Yossarian (v.o):
Now who's being childish?
Shinji mutters darkly to himself. Ritsuko massages her temples. Misato pulls a flask from her pocket and takes a swig. She offers it to Ritsuko.
Onscreen, Unit 01 plods along the shoreline of a lake.
Yossarian (v.o):
Wanna see me vault the bridge?
Everyone:
(Evenly)
No.
Yossarian (v.o):
Right. Now, I'm going to try and envision myself in a world where questions pertaining to bridge vaulting are answered in the affirmative. I'll let you know how it turns out, kay?
Ritsuko takes the flask from Misato and proceeds to down the rest of it.
Offscreen is heard the sound of what is more than likely something resembling a bridge meeting a rather unfortunate end.
Yossarian (v.o):
Aw CRAP!
Misato seeks comfort in the act of banging her head against the console in front of her.
The camera cuts to snow.
----
INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. CENTRAL DOGMA.
The main screen shows a huge smoking crater, the periphery of it littered with rubble and bits of what used to be an Angel. Misato talks into the microphone as the three Eva units climb up from the wreckage. They all look worse for wear; Unit Zero in particular is missing an arm.
Misato:
Status report…Unit One…?
Shinji:
(Coughs)
Just peachy.
Misato:
…Unit Zero…?
Rei:
Ditto.
Misato:
…Unit Two?
Asuka:
Considering I was at ground zero when an otherworldly monster decided to detonate itself with the force of a small nuke...never been better.
Misato:
I'm glad that you're all okay. That was some good work today, guys.
The three Evas stand at the edge of the crater. Unit Zero brushes aside some trees and picks up its severed right arm. Unit Two dusts itself off while Unit One looks back at the destruction.
Shinji:
(Low whistle)
Geez, that one blew big.
Asuka:
(Smugly)
Did NOT know who it was fucking with.
Shinji:
Now remember your promise Misato…
Misato:
(Smiles)
Don't worry Shinji, I haven't forgotten.
Asuka:
Steak dinner! Yahoo!
Misato:
Actually, I'd planned something a little more extravagant. BUT if you're happy with dinner out, that's fine-
Shinji:
Something more extravagant than a steak dinner in post-2nd impact Tokyo 3? That's hard to believe.
Misato:
Believe it! I'm taking you guys on an all expenses paid trip to the happiest place on Earth –TIJUANA!
The three stand silent for a moment. Then-
Rei:
Hoo-ah.
Asuka & Shinji:
HOO-AH!
Music: "South of the Border" – Gene Merlino
Cut to still:
EXT. PLANE TERMINAL. DAY.
The four of them exit a plane terminal in Mexico. Misato tries to hail a cab in the foreground. Behind her, Asuka fights off several Hari-Krishnas asking for donations. Shinji lags in the rear, carrying everyone's baggage and looking haggard. Rei walks beside him, carrying a single tote bag.
EXT. AVENIDA DE LA REVOLUCION. DAY.
Asuka haggles with a merchant while Misato looks over shirts, handing more and more possible buys to Shinji, whose arms are already weighted down by several shopping bags.
South of the border, down Mexico way.
That's where I fell in love when stars above came out to play.
Cut to still:
INT. HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT.
Asuka and Rei sit at a table with a liquor bottle between them. Rei is downing a shot while Asuka reaches for another one. A couple of overturned empty glasses sit in front of both of them.
Cut to still:
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER.
Still at the table. Rei, seemingly unaffected, is pouring another shot while Asuka, blurry-eyed, fumbles for another one. The pyramid of glasses between them has grown.
Cut to still:
INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER.
Asuka lies facedown on the shot-glass-cluttered table while Misato checks her pulse. Rei looks non-plused as she shakes the bottle upside down, checking for any remaining drops.
And now as I wander, my thoughts never stray,
south of the border down Mexico way.
Cut to still:
EXT. BACK ALLEY. NIGHT.
Misato and Asuka stand amidst a crowd watching a cockfight. They cheer on Pen-Pen as he pecks the crap out of his opponent.
Cut to still:
INT. EL CENTRO DE LOS CULTURES. DAY.
Rei is admiring a reproduction of Picasso's "Guernica". Shinji and Asuka sit on a nearby bench, looking painfully bored.
She was a picture, in old Spanish lace.
And just for a tender while I kissed the smile upon her face.
Cut to still:
EXT. STREET. NIGHT.
A parade is underway with fireworks flaring in the background. Misato lies in the foreground, passed out on the curb with a bottle of tequila in her hand and a sombrero on her head. Pen-Pen squats next to her as Rei amuses herself with a sparkler. Behind them, Shinji runs by (the back of his shirt in flames) as Asuka chases him with a lit Roman candle.
For it was Fiesta, and we were so gay,
south of the border, down Mexico way.
Cut to still:
EXT. TATTOO PARLOR. NIGHT.
Rei stands, back to the camera, with her shirt pulled up. Across her lower back is a Celtic band resembling an interlocking chain done in black ink.
Cut to still:
EXT. TATTOO PARLOR. SAME.
Asuka pulls her shirtfront down enough to show the top of her right breast, upon which the Kanji script for "Furyoushoujyou" (Bad Girl) is drawn.
Cut to still:
EXT. TATTOO PARLOR. SAME.
Shinji clutches his groin and blocks the camera with his free hand. It's obvious he doesn't feel like having his picture taken right now.
EXT. CITY LIMITS. DUSK.
A cab drives off down the road. Rei, Shinji, and Asuka wave goodbye through the back window.
EXT. CITY LIMITS. SAME.
Misato comes running into frame, chasing the receding cab into the sunset.
Those mission bells told me that I must not stray.
South of the border, down Mexico way…
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