WARNING! EVEN THIS CRACK KING (Mr. Kyon) IS SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT WHAT IS CONTAINED WITHIN THE FOLLOWING FIC.

YOUR EYES MAY MELT AWAY.

A certain shotacon's dream

"Yes yes, I understand…"

The underground organisation known as GROUP had just returned from one of their daily wetjobs. Today's fuckery had been some Academy City researchers gone rogue, armed with prototype weapon systems.

"…I UNDERSTAND THAT I'LL FUCKING RIP YOU APART IF YOU DON'T FIX THIS!"

Because of multiple reasons, Accelerator had fallen victim to a blast from such a weapon.

Call it luck of the draw.

"Nyaa, these scientist sure are creative!"

"Silly but effective, don't you think Accelerator-san?"

Unabara Mitsuki and Tsuchimikado Motoharu were grinning widely at Accelerator's current state. He was dressed only in his birthday suit and a ragged towel they found in their hideout's trash container (and yes, he felt all of the irony of the situation).

The beam weapon he had been hit with disintegrated his clothes into a fine powder.

"So what did the guy on the other end of phone say nyaa?"

"Ah, he said in-between his laughter that he'd figure out a fix or antidote as fast as it would come. Perhaps a week or so."

"WHAT!"

The now-squeaky voice of the Number One esper yelled this.

Unabara and Tsuchimikado couldn't hold back the laughter anymore, and they exploded, rolling onto the floor.

"BWAHAHA! OH GOD THIS IS TOO FUNNY NYAAHAHAHA!"

"DEAR LORD I-I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD BE SO…! HAHAHAHA!"

Even the normally calm Unabara couldn't resist. Nobody could resist laughing…

…At the ten year old form of the Accelerator.

The weapon that had been used on Accelerator apparently had the ability to clock back the biological clock.

It had lead to this: a shotafied Accelerator.

Accelerator, completely defeated and pouting like a little kid with tears in the corner of his eyes, hung his head low. He was at the mercy of that nameless guy on the phone, and if he was to believe Unabara, he would remain like this for a week.

The prospect of showing himself to Last Order or even Yomikawa like this…chilling.

But something was off. Someone that should be laughing wasn't.

Musujime Awaki was staring wide-eyed while the others were rolling on the floor, choking on their own laughs.

It would be expected that'd she be teasing the defenseless Accelerator, but even when she first saw him like this, she hadn't said a thing.

It's as if she was speechless or didn't know what to say.

She then moved towards Accelerator and stuck his head straight into her boobs.

Time stopped.

Scratch that, the laws of space and time were suspended.

Unabara and Tsuchimikado stared at Musujime for a good while.

They literally heard the ice fuckin' BREAK.

'Yup, that shotacon is mincemeat,' they thought.

It's been a fun ride, surely. Nice ogling material, useful ability, but it seems all good things do come to an end.

Bye bye, you magnificent Ojou-sama. Your delicious creamy legs and your huge breasts are to be no more.

But then…

"O-Onee-chan… You're warm…"

…they had that illusion of theirs broken.

Accelerator, who despite that condition of his could still use his powers to kill the exhibitionist shotacon in a heartbeat, purred into the sophomore's chest.

"It's alright, these bad men won't hurt you," Musujime comforted as she was petting Accelerator's head.

Seeing an aura of bliss on both of their faces, Tsuchimikado trembled, petrified by what was taking place in front of him.

"This… T-This is wrong on so many levels NYAAAAA!"

"W-What should we do?" asked Unabara, slight panic in his voice.

"Make sure Musujime doesn't do anything drastic! I know a way to fix this!"

Tsuchimikado ran out, and Unabara was left to act as a cock block.

"W-Wait! You're leaving me here alone with those two?"

"Get the broom and keep 'em away from each other!"

With that, the door was slammed shut.

The Aztec magician turned his gaze to the shota and shotacon.

"Oh my god…" Unabara clawed at his head.

There were very, VERY wrong things going on inside the nap room.

"Hehe, you're tickling me!" Musujime giggled while Accelerator seemed to gleefully dig into her chest.

"But I don't want to be separated from Onee-chan!" The shota whined.

Unabara felt his legs go weak.

Why was he getting a weird kick outta this? UGH!

"She's going to break several laws with you, Accelerator-san!"

"Bug off, disguise boy!" Musujime hissed, flipping him off.

Unabara desperately looked around for a way to diffuse the situation, and went for the 6-winged fridge.

Wait, why did it have wings all the sudden?

Didn't those look like that guy Kaki- Argh, who cares! We'll figure it out later!

He found a tasty-looking Greek salad wrapping and waved it at Musujime as a distraction.

"Looky here! Let go of him and you get a yummy sal-"

Then before he knew what happened, he had been teleported outside the nap room, the door locked behind him.

"WAIT! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! ACCELERATOR-SAN, SNAP OUT OF IT! SHE'S ABOUT TO BREAK SEVERAL LAWS! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

Unabara tried to blast the door off with his magic, to no avail.

Then he heard this coming from the other side of the door:

"Now, let's get you out of that cloak…"

"O-Onee-chan, t-that's…"

"Shhh, it's okay…"

Unabara recoiled, staring at the door.

Although he was hardly a man with moral authority of any sort – his stalking of Misaka Mikoto and his Aztec skills a showing of that – there were some things…that even he knew were wrong.

This was it. Oh god this was it.

But then…

"Etzali Onii-chan…"

The Aztec magician turned around, and saw his former kouhai standing there, giving him a death glare.

"…What kind of people do you hang around with?" She questioned, narrowing her eyes.

He started to sweat cold.

Big time.

"A-Ah, it's not what it looks like…" He tried to explain.

"Onii-chan…"

"Wait, Xochitl! Don't take out that macuahuitl! I'm innocent here! EEEPPPPP!"

'Gotta find Kami-yan, gotta find Kami-yan, gotta find Kami-yan…'

That was the content of Motoharu's head. The weapon that had caused this situation in the first place was a product of esper powers boiled down to a crystal form, used to fuel the shrinking ray. So Imagine Breaker would work on it.

He hoped, else the world may be doomed.

Because of complications entailed by the scientifically unproven Kami-yan disease, Kamijou Touma was stuck in make-up classes with Himegami Aisa and Fukiyose Seiri plus their teacher Tsukuyomi Komoe, the loliest of the lolis. Well not technically, but you know…she's legal!

As he rushed over to A Certain High School, his cellphone began to ring.

It was from Unabara.

"Unabara! How are things back there?"

"Tsuchimikado-san… I failed."

"What do you mean?"

"I left them alone in the room."

"WHAT!"

"I'm sorry! I got kicked out and there's-"

"Oh. My. God. STOP THEM NYAA!"

"I can't! Musujime-san teleported me outside and she locked the door! I can't pry it open!"

"I DON'T CARE! NO WAY IN NYAA THAT ACCELERATOR LOSES HIS VIRGINITY BEFORE ME NYAA!"

"Is that the only reason why you- Oh whatever! Just come back quickly okay? I think that- Oh crap, the noises I'm hearing… Double time it... Eeep! Xochitl, please stop swinging that thing at me!"

With that, Tsuchimikado entered the courtyard of A Certain High School.

He strolled as fast as he could up the stairs, to his classroom, then slammed the door open.

Since he couldn't say in the open what this was about, he would have to lie.

It so happens he's a master of that craft.

"KAAAMIII-YAAAN!"

Fukiyose and Himegami – who were previously glaring at Kamijou – turned to the blond guy in the ahola shirt. Kamijou in turn did the same, as well as Komoe-sensei.

"Nyaa Sensei, I'm sorry but an emergency has come up regarding Kami-yan."

"Huh? An emergency Tsuchimikado-chan?" The incomprehensible organism sounded worried.

At that point, he could have said anything and made it sound like gold in the teacher's eyes.

Of course, such an opportunity to cause more love-comedy situations in the future wouldn't go unturned by the sis-con sergeant.

"Nyaa Kami-yan's illegimate daughter has gotten hit by a car nyaa!"

"WHAT!" Kamijou jumped from his seat in anger.

"So I hope you don't mind Sensei but I have to do what's right nyaa."

Tsuchimikado took Kamijou by the collar and ran for the exit, leaving a shell-shocked Komoe-sensei behind.

Meanwhile, the two raven-haired girls were muttering something.

"That bastard…"

Tsuchimikado returned with a certain spiky-haired boy.

The safehouse was utterely wrecked for some reason.

Unabara was nowhere in sight, not that it was a priority.

"Oh~! Show me more little boy~!"

Tsuchimikado had an obvious loss of color, while Kamijou was wondering what the hell was going on here.

"Kami-yan, I know this is gonna sound weird…"

Tsuchimikado kicked the door down with all his strength.

"…BUT RUN IN THERE AND PUNCH EVERYTHING WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED!"

"Uh…" Kamijou was about to raise an objection when he felt a blindfold being attached to his head.

"GO AND BREAK THEIR ILLUSIONS NYAAAAA!"

He pushed Kamijou in without care.

"WHAT THE HEEEELL?"

Fifteen minutes later…

Kamijou was yelling.

He was being chased by a certain albino, who had a ragged towel wrapped around his waist to cover his…junk.

"YOU! "

The black wings spread out from his back, launching their attack.

"SUCK MISFORTUNE!"

Meanwhile, another naked man emerged from the rubble of the nap room.

He had white seraph wings on his back, which covered him.

He was eating a random salad wrapping he found on the ground.

"Damn… Almost as good as ma's."

A week later, Accelerator and Musujime found themselves all alone in the reconstructed nap room.

That is when Accelerator asked a simple question.

"…Did we really do that?"

Musujime hung her head in shame.

"…I couldn't control it…"

"Tch, fucking shotacon…"

Then an idea came to him.

"Oi, Musujime."

"Huh?"

A few preparations later…

Musujime was now dressed in a familiar blue dress with white spots.

It hardly covered her as it was so tiny.

"O-Onii-chan…"

"Yeees?" Accelerator said with an almost gleeful look on his face.

"Misaka wants… Misaka wants Onii-chan to…"

"Hmmm? I can't fucking hear yooou."

Her face reaching a tint similar to her hair, she sat on his lap.

"…Misaka wants O-Onii-chan to show this little brat… T-The wonders of…copulation."

"Tsk tsk, damn brat. It seems like I'm going to have to show you your place…"

And so, Musujime Awaki and Accelerator regularly took turns at role-playing.

The couch in the nap room got so stained that it had to be thrown to the streets.

NO FUCKING COMMENT.

THE CRACK FIC KING COMMANDS YOU.

For some reason, I had this sitting on my hard drive FINISHED for weeks but I thought I hadn't FINISHED it. So uh…here you go.

All heil Mr. Kyon?