You're Getting to Be a Hobbit With Me

Summary: Song Parody – Sauron has found a new way to torture Frodo.

Disclaimer: I do not own either J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings or Harry Warren and Al Dubin's "You're Getting to Be a Habit With Me."

Caught by the Orcs and trapped in the tower of Minas Morgul, Frodo painfully lay on the floor, naked, cold, and sore. He had been beaten, flogged, and tortured every way imaginable without "spoiling" him. Sauron's instruction from Barad-Dûr was very clear on that.

The trap door slammed open, and an Orc shouted, "Get up, you filth!"

Frodo sat up and scooted back against a wall, curling into a ball to produce the smallest possible target. The Orc leered at him, grinning dangerously. "The Dark Lord has a message for you." More Orcs piled into the room.

Frodo mentally counted them. Nine orcs? Whatever torture they performed on him usually involved between one and three orcs. But nine? What could they possibly do to him that required so many orcs?

Eight of the orcs lined up and hummed, and began to… dance, soft-shoe. Frodo's eyes widened in terror as he realized what new horror Mordor had in store for him: a singing and dancing telegram.

The ninth orc nodded his head, as his back-up provided the proper background, and after four bars, he gave the message.

Every Orc, every thug, set to squash you like a bug – you're getting to be a Hobbit with me.

You've been stripped of your arms, freeing me to think of harm – you're getting to be a Hobbit with me.

I used to think the Shire was something that I could take or leave alone.

But now I hear you've got my Ring – that's something that I must have for my own.

You just can't get away – I'll torment you night and day until you give my Ring back to me.

I've got you in my clutches and you can't break free – you're getting to be a Hobbit with me.

Can't take it?

You're getting to be a Hobbit with me.

Frodo blinked up at the Orcs as they finished, and they took a bow, letting him know this was over. The lead orc sneered, "Well?"

The Hobbit covered his face and wept.

The Orc smiled nastily. "Message delivered."