Magna est Veritas (PART II)

"Shepard's heading for the control room. Stop her!" Kenson's voice screeched over the loudspeakers as Shepard ducked behind a wall for cover and began exchanging fire with a group of soldiers. Flashbang grenades exploded around her, but her own tactics of keeping her attackers off balance via a mixture of tech and biotics seemed to be working. So far the commander had managed to keep distance between her and the soldiers, and it was clear from their body language and the snippets she could hear over their radios that they were terrified of her advance. Alone as she was, Shepard desperately needed any ally she could find, fear included.

The suture at her left side prevented her a full range of motion and occasionally reminded her of its presence by feeling ready to rip open. Every step forward caused her lips to curl into a cringe, and she found herself barking out small grunts of pain that if her enemies heard would probably encourage them to press harder.

"Regroup and stop Shepard!" Kenson screamed again. Wrinkling her nose with disgust, Shepard thought to herself that whenever she caught up with the doctor again, she would put a bullet in the woman's brain. Not only because her voice had gotten on Shepard's last nerve, but the woman was clearly indoctrinated. Being drugged for the past two days had left the commander with a splitting headache, which Kenson insisted on worsening - now Shepard's temper was at its end.

As the last soldier in her path fell, Shepard cautiously approached the control panel, observing the multiple buttons and data displayed on the screen and hoping there was an AI to help her. Praying that the computer would answer her, Shepard said, "I want to activate The Project."

Thankfully, a pleasant artificial voice replied, "The Project is ready for activation. Warning: activating The Project will result in an estimated three hundred five thousand civilian deaths. Do you wish to continue?"

A red button appeared before Shepard on the control panel as the terminal flashed a number at her: 304, 942. The number was enough to give her pause. A lot of deaths. A lot of deaths at her hands.

And she was surprised that she felt nothing.

She'd hoped to at least feel sadness that so many would have to be sacrificed to delay the Reapers. Guilt would have been the ideal emotion - it would have indicated that she was human, normal. She wanted desperately to feel differently, to be a good person; but wanting and actually feeling were two separate things. It was like wanting to cry at a funeral, but not being able to. Intellectually she knew that there had to be innocent batarians: men, women, and children who had done nothing wrong, who had never thought of hurting another person. There had to be batarians who didn't want to attack humans, who wanted to live peacefully. Intellectually it was so easy to agree with what Kaidan had once said, that they were jerks and saints just like us. But in reality, all she could see in her mind's eye was David shielding his younger sisters with nothing but a baseball bat, Andrew falling to the ground with a smoking hole in his chest, and a bomb razing her hometown to the ground. She saw her face in place of the batarian slaver as well, and she knew that she was afraid of becoming what she hated; but her hate was stronger than that fear.

Shepard was equally aware that only ninety thousand of the civilians in the system were even batarian citizens. The rest were slaves - probably mostly human - and they would die alongside the slavers. For them, Shepard did feel pity, but only the same pity she had felt when Liara first told her of the slave population. Once she activated The Project, the commander could try to warn the civilians of the impending destruction, giving some the chance to escape, but she knew that none of the slaves would live. Their batarian masters would evacuate and leave the slaves to die. If that was the case, Shepard preferred that they all died rather than only the batarians survive.

And so, even though Shepard wanted to feel something, wanted to be the better person and see the batarians as lives worthy of consideration, she pressed the button still feeling nothing. Immediately, she had her hand at her ear and called to Joker to pick her up from the doomed station. Kenson interrupted the transmission, screeching at Shepard with that still grating voice and running off to overload the ship core. Frowning and drawing her pistol, Shepard realized that she still had one last problem to deal with.

~.~.~.~.~

She could feel blood seeping from under her left, floating rib and trickling down her leg. The under armor jumpsuit slowed the flow of blood, absorbing some of it, but enough was pouring forth to catch her attention despite her mad dash to find an escape shuttle. She knew that the stitches in her side had ripped open during the explosion, courtesy of the deranged doctor, and had only been exacerbated by her efforts to flee the station. Thankful that she had brought the Cain and managed to clear the entire loading dock with one nuclear shot, she limped towards the communications tower - now the only source of salvation.

Once she activated the tower, she opened a channel to the Normandy and said, "Shepard to Normandy. Joker do you read me?" Silence on the other end of the line, and Shepard cursed under her breath. Just as she was about to try to hail the Normandy again, a gold light caught her eye. She turned just as the light seemed to unfold and became the image of a Reaper, landing nearby, its multiple glowing eyes staring straight at her.

A familiar voice, Harbinger's voice, rumbled clearly in her ears despite the vacuum of space. "Shepard. You have become an annoyance."

She stepped away from the tower and towards Harbinger, recalling when she had spoken to Sovereign on Virmire. She'd been terrified after that conversation, when everything she thought about the mission had been twisted in a matter of minutes. Now, she knew about the Reapers, and was familiar with their threats.

"You fight against inevitability. Dust struggling against cosmic winds. This seems a victory to you, a star system sacrificed, but even now your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall. Your leaders will beg to serve us."

Shepard stood with most of her weight on her right leg, trying to lessen the pressure placed on her left side. She resisted the temptation to place a hand over the wound, as if she could hold it closed through her armor. Now was not the time to appear weak. She spoke in a steely voice that said she would not bandy words about with the Reaper. "I don't doubt your power. I've seen firsthand what you monsters are capable of. But you and I both know what I'm capable of, and we both know that when you arrive the civilizations of the galaxy will fight. Maybe we'll win, and maybe we'll lose, but know this: even if you win in the end, I'll make you pay for it."

When Harbinger replied he sounded slightly agitated - or maybe Shepard was hearing what she wanted to in his voice. But he had certainly heard her threat and wanted to make one of his own. "Know this as you die in vain: your time will come. Your species will fall. Prepare yourselves for the arrival." The glowing form melted into the backdrop of space, the piercing eyes lingering for a second in the emptiness.

Letting out her pent up breath, Shepard allowed her right hand to drift over her wound as she stood contemplating. Suddenly a voice in her ear jerked her from her thoughts. "Commander Shepard, this is the Normandy SR2. We are locked onto your position." The woman's head snapped up to see the Normandy flying in overhead, coming down to run parallel to the platform. Clenching her teeth and taking a sharp intake of air, she pushed herself to run alongside the ship, eyes locked onto the port-side door. Carefully timing her strides, she reached the edge of the platform just as the open door appeared before her, and jumped into the chamber. When the doors shut tight behind her, she leaned against the metal wall and took a few gulps of air. She was finally safe.

Yet, her moment of rest was short-lived. Within seconds the airlock had filled with oxygen and the door near the cockpit opened. She limped out in time to see the Normandy approaching the mass relay through the front windows, followed by a small lurch as the ship jumped into the mass effect field and began leaping across space. Turning the other way, Shepard headed towards the galaxy map, hand clutching her wounded side. She still had one more thing to do before this mission could be over. She had to see it through completely.

Joker's voice called out after her. "Commander! Are you ok?"

She ignored him and said, "EDI, bring up the Bahak system on the galaxy map."

Only a momentary pause before the AI answered, "Yes, Commander."

Shepard continued to limp around the right side of the map until she came to the platform and climbed up to see the display of the system. She could feel Kelly's eyes following her, studying every painful wince or uneasy movement, but the woman remained thankfully silent. Gripping the handle in front of her, as much to prepare herself for what she would see as to keep herself upright, Shepard's violet eyes stared unwavering at the image of the only planet that contained people in the system. On the edge of the map, a sudden ripple formed, spreading out and engulfing planet after planet. As the ripple hit a planet, it glowed red and then faded from the display. Shepard watched as the planet she had been on only days before was swallowed by the ripple and disappeared. Eventually, the entire system dimmed.

She breathed heavily, but more from the pain in her side than anything else. She still felt nothing inside, not even a shred of remorse for the lives she had sacrificed. I'm a monster, she thought. I can't feel even a scrap of sadness for so many deaths. At least she didn't feel happy either. She just felt empty.

Turning away from the map, she gripped her side a little tighter as she pushed off from the rail and began to head down the ramp. The ground seemed to shift before her and she had a hard time remaining balanced. As the adrenaline in her bloodstream lessened, she felt suddenly light-headed. Blood loss, no doubt. The thought skidded calmly across the surface of her mind. It felt like someone else's thought, so detached. Just as she made this realization, she became aware that something warm oozed between the fingers of her right hand. She turned her hand over slightly and bright crimson glared up at her. The blood loss must have been greater than she thought if it was seeping through the gaps in her armor.

As she reached the end of the ramp, she stumbled and fell, just as Kelly asked, "Commander, are you alright?" Shepard found herself on her knees, left hand helping to support her weight as she stared down at the floor. Her right hand still pressed against the wound, though she doubted she was getting any pressure to it beneath the armor. Droplets of blood did leak through the lining of her armor though, creating a kaleidoscope mural on the floor in her blurred vision. In an instant the red headed woman was at her side, hands hovering over the commander's shoulders as if she were afraid to touch her. "Shepard! You're bleeding!"

Sweat from the effort of biting back the pain and staying conscious rolled down Shepard's face and coalesced at the tip of her chin. Her left arm quivered weakly and she knew that she might black out soon. "Kelly," she said, her voice incredibly gentle and civil, more so than she had ever been with the woman before; she decided that she had been a wicked enough person for one day. She would try to be a good one for the rest of it. "Would you get Dr. Chakwas for me?"

Kelly's mouth hung open for a moment before she jumped to her feet and ran to her terminal. She called down to the med-bay frantically, but Shepard could barely hear the words let alone make them out. Her body finally gave out from her exhaustion and she collapsed onto her right side, eyes drifting closed.

~.~.~.~.~

She awoke feeling surprisingly numb. Light flooded her vision as she opened her eyes and found herself staring up at an assortment of medical equipment far above her head. Her eyes remained slits so that she could pretend to be unconscious until she could remember what was happening. Instinct warned her that enemies could be anywhere. But slowly she recalled that she was on the Normandy, safe and likely in the med-bay. Groaning slightly, she rose into a sitting position, finding that she was indeed on one of the Normandy's examination tables and Dr. Chakwas sat at her desk only feet away. The doctor turned her head at the noise and quickly rose to her feet, crossing over to the commander.

"Commander, you're awake," she said happily. "You had everyone worried."

"Myself included," Shepard mumbled. She found that she was wearing a paper hospital gown of sorts, her hair down around her shoulders. Frowning, she knew that both things were probably unavoidable, given her injuries, but she did not like being seen with her hair down or in such a vulnerable condition. The only person she felt comfortable allowing to see her in such a state was Liara, and she was certainly not present. "Thanks for whatever drugs you gave me," Shepard added with a hint of humor in her voice. "They're working wonders. I can't feel a thing."

Chuckling, Chakwas replied, "I'm not surprised you're glad about that. That gash in your side was really a piece of work."

Turning serious, Shepard said, "Where are we now? How long was I out?"

Sidling back over to her desk Chakwas said, "We're drifting around the Omega Nebula for now. You've been out for about a day." She picked up a datapad at her desk and came back over, handing it to the Commander. "There's my medical report. Feel free to browse through it."

Taking the pad, Shepard quickly scanned the document. She saw the things she expected, records of minor surgery to close the wound, a list of drugs used to sedate and dull pain, and a list of other smaller injuries. She also noticed that Doctor Chakwas had noted that Shepard had not eaten in days (true since she had been sedated for most of them) and had been given nutritional supplements.

While she continued to read the report, Chakwas cleared her throat and added, "Something else you should know, Shepard. Admiral Hackett is aboard the ship. He wants to see you when you're ready."

The dark haired woman's head snapped up and she looked as if the doctor had just told her that she had cancer. Hackett? Here? What would he say about the mission? Dr. Kenson was dead, by her own hand, and an entire batarian system had been wiped off the map. No doubt he would not be pleased.

Seeing the commander's expression, Chakwas said quietly, "I can tell him you aren't fit to receive visitors right now if you'd prefer. I told him that I would tell him when it would be appropriate to speak to you."

Reluctantly, Shepard shook her head. "Thanks, but I'll talk to him now. There's no reason to keep him waiting."

Sighing, the doctor went over to a locker and opened the metal door. "I figured you'd say that. Well, I took the liberty of retrieving your uniform so that you can change. Just use that privacy screen over there." She placed a bundle of clothes into Shepard's arms and, smiling, added a hair-band on top. "I think I got everything."

Returning the smile, Shepard hopped down from the examination table. "Thanks, Doc. I'll go change right now." While Chakwas messaged up to Joker to send the admiral to the med-bay, Shepard ducked behind the privacy screen and began donning her uniform. All the while she wondered what Hackett would say to her once he arrived. He was a reasonable man, so surely he would see the necessity. But what would this mean for her chances of rejoining the Alliance? Even if Hackett approved of her decision, he probably couldn't welcome her back to the Alliance with open arms. A feeling of dread rested in the pit of her stomach.

Before she began buttoning up her uniform jacket, Shepard took a moment to examine the wound under her left rib. A pad of gauze with adhesive tape at the ends covered the suture, which the commander gently peeled back to reveal that Chakwas had done a much better job of stitching the injury than Kenson's lackeys. The edges were puckered and pale around the dull, red line of the cut. Touching the wound softly brought about a muted ache, no doubt lessened by the painkillers she was on, but at least the pain didn't feel sharp. As she thought that she would likely have some sort of scar once it healed, Shepard finished buttoning her uniform and quickly pulled back her hair.

Running her hands across the top of her black tresses one last time to make sure no tendrils poked out unprofessionally, she stepped out from behind the privacy screening. She noticed that Dr. Chakwas stood in the doorway, talking with a tall, older gentleman wearing an Alliance admiral's uniform. Shepard recognized Hackett immediately, but she hung back near the examination table, resting against it as she folded her arms and waited to be acknowledged. Chakwas and the admiral finished their conversation and the doctor gave Shepard one last encouraging look before leaving them alone in the med-bay. Hackett watched her go before he turned his steely gaze on the commander and slowly approached her.

Snapping to attention, Shepard saluted, partly out of reflex and partly for show. The admiral nodded at her in a way that said, "No need for formalities" and she let the salute drop. They stood, staring at one another with vastly different expressions. Shepard tried to suppress her unease, but she knew her face gave off some of her wariness, as if she were approaching a bomb. Hackett, on the other hand, eyed Shepard with an expression of careful consideration, as if he were looking for some kind of indication that she was not really Commander Shepard at all.

Clearing her throat and breaking the silence, Shepard said, "I didn't expect to see you here, Admiral."

His voice was as gruff as usual, just as businesslike as he had always been. "You did this mission as a personal favor to me, Shepard. I figured I would debrief you in person." Then he added after a short pause. "That was before an entire batarian system and a mass relay were destroyed. Care to tell me what happened out there? I knew that you had a history with the batarians... but three hundred thousand dead?"

He knew about her feelings towards the batarians, anyone who had ever served with her did. She remembered once, maybe a few weeks after first meeting Captain Anderson, he had let her look at her own file. He said that he thought all officers should know what was known about them, that they should know the impression they gave others. The experience had been eye-opening in many ways. She'd not been surprised to see that the Blitz took up the majority of her record with notes from military psychologists (none of whom she'd met) who hypothesized how an individual could perform under such stress. All bullshit, of course, but bullshit that her superiors probably believed. Yet, the line that stood out in her mind now was one that read "Shepard seems particularly zealous during missions that involve military action against batarian forces. It is suggested that she be used effectively on missions that require extreme aggressiveness against the batarian hegemony, and absolutely restricted from any missions that require diplomatic tact towards the hegemony." Shepard suspected that Hackett wanted that line changed to read, "Just keep Shepard away from batarians unless you want a diplomatic incident."

The commander shook her head slowly and sighed. "The mission went to hell, Sir. You were right about Dr. Kenson uncovering evidence about the Reapers. They were going to invade the entire galaxy if I didn't destroy that relay."

"The Reapers?" Hackett asked, his voice holding a hint of worry. "Tell me everything that happened."

She gave as detailed a recollection as she could, only omitting the hallucinatory dreams from being drugged. The admiral listened with a constant frown on his face, but made no effort to interrupt her. When she finished, she waited for his response and struggled to keep her nervousness under control.

Finally, Hackett said, "You know, Shepard, there are some people in the Alliance who are wary about your return. They were more than happy to use your image after the Battle of the Citadel, but when you returned from the dead... well, let's just say that they're on the fence about what to do with you."

She tensed slightly at that, and eyed the admiral cautiously. She knew after her confrontation with Ashley that the Alliance didn't see her in a favorable light, but were they really afraid of her? Did that fear mean more than her years of service?

Hackett continued as if he hadn't noticed her edginess. "But I remember what you did for the Alliance, Commander." He placed emphasis on the rank. "And I look after my loyal soldiers as much as I can. I believe you when you say that the Reapers are coming, and that we were literally minutes away from having them at our front door. Hell, if I was in charge of the entire Alliance I'd give you a damn medal." He paused and took a deep breath before saying, "But I'm not everyone, and some people aren't going to see what you did as necessary."

Those words certainly stirred up the anxiety in her stomach. She was aware of the tactic he was using; the admiral had a point that he wanted to get to, a point that Shepard would probably not like. So on the one hand he made it clear that he was on her side and that she should trust him - and she admitted that he knew just which strings to pull to achieve that end - and all the while he presented an enemy that they could stand united against. Yet, despite knowing that he was manipulating her to a certain degree, Shepard decided to walk into his plans. She needed to know what the Alliance had planned for her.

"What do you suggest, then?" she asked quietly.

He straightened, hands behind his back and said calmly, "Evidence against you is shoddy, at best. But at some point, you'll have to go to Earth and face the music. I can't stop it... but I can and will make them fight for it."

Shepard could feel her heart pounding in her chest and she swallowed uneasily. "So I become the scapegoat for the Alliance," she whispered.

Admiral Hackett didn't reply - they both knew it was the truth - and they stood in silence for a while.

Then, Shepard took a deep breath, straightening to her full height and said, "If that's what the Alliance asks of me, then I'll stand trial."

Nodding slowly, Hackett answered, "I'm glad to see that you still know where your loyalty lies." He began pacing towards the door, motioning for Shepard to follow. "I understand that your mission out here is done, so there won't be a reason to delay this witch hunt. The Alliance will make the official call soon, and when they do you need to come to Earth with your dress blues on, ready to take the hit."

"Yes, Sir."

They stopped at the door and Hackett turned to face Shepard again. "I know you did the right thing, Commander. I hope you know that too."

Shepard met the stare of his cool, gray eyes without flinching. She knew that she had done the right thing, she just didn't know if she'd done it for the right reasons. After a moment of silence, he nodded to her one last time before he walked out the door and towards the elevator. Shepard watched him go, knowing that she should feel angry or upset after being informed that she would have to stand trial for saving the galaxy, but she just felt tired. So incredibly tired.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard leaned back against the wall of the elevator and sighed heavily. So much had happened within the last few days and she knew her mind had still not fully processed everything. Yet she was at the brink of physical and mental exhaustion; for a while she didn't want to be Commander Shepard anymore. She was at her wits end with being Commander Shepard - tomorrow would be a different day and she would find a way to shoulder the responsibility, just like she always did, but for now she wanted to pretend that she was someone else. She let her head rest against the wall and closed her eyes, trying not to think about anything, but failing.

After Admiral Hackett had left, Dr. Chakwas had returned and proceeded to evaluate Shepard's health. She didn't ask what the admiral had said to the commander or pry into any details of what had happened in the Bahak system. Shepard found herself incredibly grateful to the woman for that. Once Chakwas had determined that the commander was well enough to leave the med-bay, she gave Shepard permission to go to her room and rest, with only a wag of her finger not to engage in any kind of intense physical activity. Shepard promised to behave as the doctor walked her to the elevator.

When the doors opened, Chakwas said, "Go straight to your room and get some rest. Everything else can wait." Then she flashed a knowing smile, which Shepard didn't understand, and walked back to the med-bay.

Sighing again, the commander's thoughts drifted to the trial, and the charges that might be brought against her. Her spectre status would protect her from a lot of a backlash, but not from everything. Obviously genocide would be on the table, along with working with a terrorist organization. Yet, if she played her cards right, she might be able to use the media attention to gain support for the fight against the Reapers. If she could gather enough evidence to present during the trial, then she could sway public opinion in her favor. She would ask Miranda to start building a database and network for compiling evidence, and then ask Mordin if his contacts in the STG could...

Stop! her brain screamed and she shook her head violently. Just stop. I don't want to think about this now. Why can't I just stop planning ahead for one goddamn minute? I should be feeling something, damn it! I killed three hundred thousand people! Instead I'm just planning how I can use this trial to my advantage! What's wrong with me?

The doors opened and she shuffled across the narrow hall to her quarters. All she wanted to do was take a hot shower and collapse onto her bed, but when she walked into her room she found someone sitting at her desk. Although the person's back was to her, Shepard immediately recognized Liara's silhouette as the asari tapped away at her omni-tool. Blinking rapidly, the commander thought she must be hallucinating and her voice got caught in her throat, coming out as a strangled gasp. Liara turned, training her blue eyes on the dark haired woman and a smile of relief formed on her lips. She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around Shepard before the dark haired woman could even react.

"Thank the Goddess you are alright, Shepard," Liara said as she buried her face against the commander's shoulder. "Dr. Chakwas said you would be fine, but... I was so worried."

Shepard slowly wrapped her arms around Liara's lithe frame, not entirely sure if she had lost her mind. Yet, the feel of the asari's body pressed against hers felt right and solid, making her conclude that she was not imagining it. Still shocked, Shepard sputtered, "W-what are you doing here, Liara?" Her lover drew back to look into Shepard's eyes though she kept her arms draped around Shepard's shoulders. "Not that I'm not glad to see you," the commander added hastily.

"Joker called me," Liara explained. "Right after you left the Bahak system. He told me you were injured and that the mass relay had been destroyed. He offered to swing by Hagalaz and pick me up. I thought you might... I wanted to be here for you."

So that was why Chakwas had told her to go straight to her room and given her that knowing smile. And the comment about engaging in intense physical exercise... Shepard almost groaned at the realization.

"I got here before Admiral Hackett arrived a couple of hours ago," Liara went on. "What did he say to you?" Suddenly she shook her head as if she had misspoke and said, "What am I saying? I should be asking how you are. Are you feeling ok? Chakwas let me stay with you a while in the med-bay, but when Hackett came she suggested that I stay out of sight so that he did not start wondering why I was here. The Alliance probably thinks I am still a broker on Illium. They probably should not know about my new job... And they never knew about us..." The asari realized that she was talking rather fast and rambling. She took a breath to steady herself. "Are you tired? Do you need to rest? Is there anything I can get you?"

Shepard couldn't help smiling at Liara's franticness. It reminded her of when they had first met. "I'm alright," she assured Liara. "I'm glad you're here."

Liara smiled back and leaned in to rest her head on Shepard's shoulder again. "I am glad that you are safe," she whispered.

The pair stood like that for a while, content in the moment, until Shepard finally broke the silence. "The Alliance wants me to stand trial, Liara. For what happened in the Bahak system." She felt relieved that her voice only quivered slightly.

Pulling back, eyes wide, Liara said, "They want to put you on trial? After everything you have done for them?"

"I killed three hundred thousand people," Shepard said, trying to sound as reasonable as possible. "They need someone to take the blame so that the batarians don't start an intergalactic war."

Shepard told Liara everything that happened, including the nightmares she'd had. When she was done, Liara said, "You did what you had to, Shepard. You should not be punished for saving the entire galaxy!"

"I know I did what I had to," Shepard said quietly. "But just because I had to do it doesn't mean I was in the right... I don't think I did it for the right reasons, Liara. I didn't feel anything for the batarians I killed. I still don't. Not even a hint of remorse." Averting her eyes, she added, "I'm afraid that... if I had been given the choice and the Reapers hadn't been involved at all... I'm afraid I might have been tempted to do it anyway."

Placing a hand against Shepard's cheek and redirecting her face so that Liara could look into her eyes, the asari said, "I know you have struggled with your feelings for the batarians before, but I think you are letting how you feel get in the way of the facts."

"But that's the thing, Liara!" Shepard replied, exasperation in her voice. "I don't feel anything, and it worries me! How would you feel if you killed three hundred thousand people? Even if you didn't have a choice? Wouldn't you feel something? Anything? I just... I don't care! What does that say about me?"

Liara surprised her by whispering, "You are not doing this trial because you think you deserve to be punished, are you?"

Shepard actually had to think for a moment. Was she hoping the trial would make her feel some kind of guilt? What were her reasons for allowing herself to be dragged into this? Finally she answered, "No. Even if I had enough shame to turn myself in because I thought I deserved to answer for my crimes, that's not why I agreed to participate. I agreed because it is what the Alliance asks of me."

"Because the Alliance asks it of you," Liara repeated with a frown. "And at what point will you say no to the Alliance? At what point will they have asked too much?"

Recoiling in defense, Shepard answered, "I'm an Alliance marine, Liara. I will do whatever the Alliance asks of me. I owe them that much."

"What do you mean, you owe them that much?"

Shepard blinked at the question. She'd never thought about it before; it had always been so obvious to her that she owed the Alliance for everything. She'd never seen a reason to analyze the basis for it. "They saved me," she said. "They gave me a purpose after Mindoir. They gave me someone to be."

Liara obviously didn't like what she was hearing because her frowned deepened and she crossed her arms beneath her breasts. "I know you put a lot of stock in being a marine, Shepard, but it is not the only thing you are. Even if you were not a soldier, you would still be you."

A sudden itch in the back of her brain made Shepard grind her teeth irritably. "No, I wouldn't," she argued. "I'm Commander Shepard because of the Alliance. I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to be the alternative." As she dragged the words out, her irritation grew until she was aware of the anger stirring in her heart. Anger at what she was admitting, and that she was being made to admit it.

"And what exactly is the alternative?"

"It's complicated," Shepard said dismissively. Then pointing to the chair at her desk she added, "Mind if I sit?"

Liara moved aside so that Shepard could lower herself into the chair, but her arms remained crossed and she looked determined to get the truth out of the commander. Pretending not to notice, Shepard leaned on the right side armrest so that as little pressure would be on her left side as possible. Now it was Liara's turn to sound irritated. "You always do this Shepard. You get angry at yourself for losing control, but when I ask you a personal question to try to help you, you avoid the question."

She knew Liara was right. But it wasn't in Shepard's nature to drop her defenses. "I hardly think my feelings about the Alliance have anything to do with my feelings about batarians," she replied dryly.

Pursing her lips disapprovingly, Liara said, "I think they are related. How you view yourself affects how you deal with the batarians."

"You know we have a psychologist on the ship for that sort of thing."

"Who you will not say more than two words to because you are afraid that she is going to analyze you," Liara snapped back. Then, making her voice gentler she added, "Shepard, I am asking you to talk about this because I love you. I am tired of watching you hate yourself for how you react around batarians, and I am tired of you bowing to the Alliance's beck and call regardless of how they treat you. You deserve better than you are getting."

Not saying anything, Shepard tapped her fingers on the armrest. She knew that Liara would not drop the subject until she dragged the truth out of the commander, and avoiding the question would be a waste of time. Yet, she had no idea how she could explain her obligation to the Alliance to another person. The military gave her the roots she would otherwise lack. The stability of routine and the opportunity to be who she needed to be.

"You said you did not want to be the alternative," Liara pressed. "What is the alternative?"

Sighing, Shepard said, "The alternative is being who I was after Mindoir. For those two years before I enlisted. The scared kid without a home, a family, or anything to call her own. The kid who couldn't protect her family; who couldn't even protect herself." Narrowing her eyes she asked, "Have you ever wondered why I've never asked you to call me by my first name? Why I don't let anyone call me by that name?"

Blinking in confusion, Liara uncrossed her arms. "I guess I have wondered about it before... but I always figured you were just accustomed to using your last name."

"I am accustomed to my last name now. I discarded my first name a long time ago. In my mind... Sophia is the girl who watched her family die on Mindoir, and couldn't do anything to stop it. She's the girl the Alliance rescued. For me, Sophia died on Mindoir with her family. I remember her, just like I remember her father, her mother, her sister and brothers... and I fight for them; I fight to avenge them, but I'm not that girl anymore. Sometimes I think I am, but I'm not." She shook her head sadly. "I'm Commander Shepard. And Commander Shepard protects people like Sophia - she isn't like them though. And I'm only Commander Shepard because of the Alliance. They gave me that identity. The names that people call me... they're all a result of the identity that the Alliance gave me." She took a deep breath to still the shaking that had begun in her hands. "So, you want to know why I'll do whatever the Alliance asks. I'll do it because I want to be a part of the Alliance again. I want to be a part of the Alliance because I'm afraid of losing my identity. Because I don't want to be anyone else."

Shepard expected Liara to tell her that she was crazy. That her words were proof that she needed the psychiatric help that had been shoved in her face ever since the age of sixteen. But the asari's face remained neutral as if the words caused her no real surprise. In contrast, Shepard's confusion must have been plain on her face because Liara smiled warmly and said, "Did you think I would not understand? Unfortunately, I know all too well the feeling you are talking about. For the first few decades of my life I was Benezia's daughter; that was an identity forced upon me before I had any control over my fate. I gave up that identity for a different one. I did not want to be who I was, so I became a prothean expert and removed myself from the people of my past." She knelt down by the chair and took the hand in Shepard's lap in her own blue hands, looking up into the commander's face with sympathetic eyes. "And then I met you, and I became someone else again. Those other two identities were still a part of me, but I was not the same person anymore. And then I changed yet again, and now I am the Shadow Broker. But I think I will probably change again in the future. The identities I hope to have vary - part of me wants to reclaim some of my lost identities, like studying the protheans again, and another part of me wants to venture out towards a completely new identity: wife, mother..." The warmth and sincerity in Liara's eyes felt so genuine to Shepard that the commander nearly forgot to breathe. "And I do not know what all those identities will entail, but I will learn when the time comes."

Squeezing Shepard's hand, Liara continued, "So, I know how you feel. You are afraid of who you will be if you let go of the Alliance. You think it is better to hold on to the known identity, even if it means the Alliance has the power to hurt you whenever they choose, because you figure that it is better than walking towards the unknown. And I cannot say what the future will hold, but I do think the person you will become in the coming months will be even more amazing than who you are now. I believe that the people of the galaxy will end up owing their existence to you. Maybe there will be a way to be an Alliance marine again, and maybe you will have to give up the Alliance altogether, but I can promise you that you will not have to give up everything. Sophia will still be a part of you, but maybe you will not feel a need to constantly avenge her. Your training will still be a part of you, but maybe you will use it for something greater than the Alliance ever imagined. I know that the coming months will be dark, but I want you to walk towards them with hope."

Looking down into Liara's deep, blue eyes Shepard felt a smile tug at the corners of her lips. "Are you sure you're not a matriarch, Liara? 'Cause that sounded awfully wise to me."

Laughing, Liara shook her head. "I am quite sure." Then, kissing the back of Shepard's hand, she added, "I think Dr. Chakwas would be upset with me if she found out I was lecturing you instead of letting you rest. You should get some sleep. We can talk about the trial later."

Shepard rose to her feet and pulled Liara along as well. Still holding the asari's hand she asked, "Will you be here when I wake?"

Leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on the commander's lips, Liara whispered, "Always."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Wow, what a long chapter. It feels like this took forever to write, especially since I had to work on it in-between everything else I have going on right now. Not to mention that I was aware that this was the last chapter of this story and I hate to see things end. At least I can say that I'm happy with how this story turned out and I learned a lot about this Shepard, not to mention got to practice some different writing techniques.

So, the reason I needed to put this author's note at the end was primarily because I wanted to say something about the main conflict of this story. I ran this particular Shepard through the Arrival DLC before writing this chapter, which was a mistake because when I got to the only decision in the DLC (whether to warn the colonists) I sat there for almost five minutes crippled with indecision. I literally couldn't decide what this Shepard would do. I think part of me might have known, but I hadn't written the story out yet. I ended up warning the colonists because that's what I WANTED Shepard to do. I desperately wanted Shepard to overcome her own hatred and win that battle with herself. It wasn't until I wrote this chapter that I realized that was wishful thinking on my part. And a lot of things surprised me about this chapter. This Shepard has really grown since when I first imagined her. The only things I knew about her when I created her was that she would be extremely professional, like poetry, dislike batarians because of her past on Mindoir, and be devoted to the Alliance. Imagine my surprise when I discovered via this chapter that she may be rejecting the Alliance come ME3. Yet, her ability to surprise me and take on a life of her own actually makes her close to my heart, and I can't wait to see what ME3 holds for her. As Liara might say, I have great hopes for her future.

I guess I should also explain why I gave Shep that wicked wound. Two reasons really. One, at the end of the DLC Shep is in the med-bay, so I got around to wondering why that was. Then two, I figured that if Shep went into this mission solo, she was probably gonna take a beating. I mean, I've gotten to the point in Mass Effect where the game is ridiculously easy for me, and when Arrival came out I have to admit it had me sweating bullets at some points. Not having my squadmates proved quite difficult at times. It was also a convenient plot device, so there's that as well.

While I am sad to see this story come to its conclusion - at least until ME3 - I am also pleased with the feedback I have received and that others have shared this adventure with me. I want to take a moment to sincerely thank everyone who read this story, regardless of whether they reviewed, because a story is just empty words without people to share it with. And to those who have reviewed, I must thank you a second time because you took the time to share with me in return. I really do appreciate your willingness to share with me what you have felt or thought.

Since I suspect people will ask me whether I plan to continue writing about these characters, my honest answer is I really don't know. I plan to pick up where this story left off after ME3 comes out, but as for other stories in the meantime, I just don't know. I have considered looking at different parts of Shepard's life or even trying to imagine the future after the Reapers are gone, but I remain undecided. This may be the last thing from me for a while, although I will still lurk around the site reading anything that peaks my interest. As always, I welcome any kind of feedback, positive or negative, and I love to discuss writing and will gladly answer any questions posed.

With kindest regards,

N.Q. Wilder