How To Take Over The World. (A parody, although I realized that I have way too much time in my hands. Ps. this is the effect of severe boredom, my oral project, and way to much TV. I am not trying to be Hitler or a dictator or whatever. This is just what I would probably do if I could.)

By Ryan Kelley

First of all I would like to get the point across that I am not trying to rule the world. Although I may in later time (not really). But first I would like to begin with the basics of the matter. First decide how you will probably come to power. Some prime examples would be to become a diplomat… but that is really really boring. So instead I am going to take the scenario of being a super villain (yes they do exist! But they usually die. And nothing works out, although that will be different for Me.). First thing I would do is go to college. Get a doctorate in something; nuclear science would be good, but nuclear science, medicine, and programming would be better. DO NOT CHEAT YOUR WAY THROUGH OR BUY A DIPLOMA OFF OF THE INTERNET YOU WILL NEED THIS LATER! Then I would get a job (around this time you will be around the age of 26, hopefully. I would start as soon as you graduate, and keep your grades up, be the top of your class because you will need to go to MIT or Harvard for this task, also I can not stress this enough DO NOT GET MARRIED OR FALL IN LOVE) A well paid job, you will need a ton of money (lotto is for losers, you will never win). While you are working, live in a cheap apartment and drive a low quality car (do not pimp it out, the less social life you have the better, draw no attention) also while you are living the life of a failure (humiliation is key. Makes you humble, and makes you mad at the world.) Explore around the wilderness and find a secluded cave (preferably behind a waterfall) in which you can set up a permanent residence to live in. If this is unavailable try finding an underwater cave, abandoned factory, government building. DO NOT USE A HOUSE OR EVEN WORSE YOUR PARENTS GARAGE/BASEMENT FOR THIS WILL BECOME YOUR LAIR! Keep working until you are the age of thirty-five. Then you are ready to begin. Quit your job. Go to your bank and withdraw EVERYTHING. Dump your car over a bridge. Walk to your lair. Then set that place up. Get it together. Next you will need to erase yourself from earth. Your first objective is to get rid of everything that ties you to (your name here) and make a new name. For me my name would become Dark Giggle. Now make a disguise that would suit your name. For me it would be in the fashion of a dark jester. One tip is do not use red and green together (unless you are trying to steal Christmas). Next you will need to get into some contact with the black market (buy a lot of weapons and gadgets! They will be your lifelines). They will be your weapon supplier and give you everything you need. Then get some minions (big or small, whatever you can get your twitchy little hands on. Make sure they are kind of dumb so that you will obviously be the one in charge, but you do need some smart ones.) They will supply all your dirty work (for best results make them look sequenced, ex; Dark Giggle would have his minions dressed in the fashion of clowns.) now when you have all of that done I would form a plan. First I would brainstorm the ideas that are flowing in your evil little head. I would first plan to rob a bank. That being the easiest and hardest at the same time. You would have to form the plan and who would be doing this with you. For example my plan would be to pull off something like off of the Dark Knight (Plan;A textbook "take-over" robbery, Joker's plan called for three masked thugs (including himself) to enter the bank's lobby and subdue the employees, security guards, and clients, while two others swung onto the roof from an adjacent office building, one to disable the silent alarm before it could be tripped, and another to open the vault. Unknown to any of the thugs, the Joker had also arranged a sequence of double-crosses, that would end with him being the only one left alive at the same moment the robbery was completed. The Execution; Chappy and Mopey arrived on the roof, and Mopey, after disabling the alarm, was shot in the back by Chappy, who made his way to the vault. The Joker, disguised as Dumpy, Grumpy, and Slumpy stormed into the bank lobby to pacify those within. This included an ingenious touch by which the Joker placed grenades into the terrified customers' hands and pulled the pins, ensuring that they could do nothing with their hands except hold on. In a surprise move Slumpy was killed when the Bank Manager, a mob employee, opened fire with a shotgun. Grumpy was wounded, while the Joker shot the manager in the leg. Grumpy then went to the vault, which Chappy had opened despite the hidden electric security system. Grumpy shot Chappy as ordered, and loaded several duffel bags with the cash inside. Believing that he had been set up, Grumpy pointed his gun at Dumpy, but was run over by a school bus driven through a wall. The Joker and the bus driver loaded the cash into the bus, then Joker calmly shot the driver and began to leave, but couldn't resist showing his face to the manager and the security cameras. The Joker then drove the bus away, merging smoothly into a line of other school buses, just as the GCPD started arriving from the opposite direction.) NOW THAT IS A PLAN! Make sure yours is good like that. That right there will get you started as a wanted criminal (which is good for this scenario). Head back to the lair when you know that you can make it (AND NOT BE TRACKED) then I would contact the black market and go and wait there with a couple (12) minions. Wait until you see a fellow leader of a gang or someone that controls a lot of manpower. Give him ten thousand dollars and tell him that you would like to meet privately; he is able to bring five of his men with him. Repeat this as many times as possible until you are not able to. Go to the meeting. Discuss the plan of forming up together and making a giant union (obviously under your control) persuade with lies of millions of dollars. Those that still decline tell that you will pay for the weapons. And if there are still some that wont accept, take them "outside". Build a nuclear generator or bomb (told you that it would come in handy). Threaten the government. Unfortunately this will be the hardest part. You must take over your country (in my case America). March into the white house and take over. There will be a fight that ensues so keep some of half of your men in the white house and the rest outside (carefully placed around the city) halfway through the fight the president will start talking and try to convince you that what you are doing can be forgiven. IGNORE THIS. Keep him quiet until later. They will now bring the SWAT, The ARMY, CIA, FBI, etc. once they have you surrounded pretend to give up. (DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN CLEAR VIEW, REMEMBER THERE ARE SNIPERS IN THE AREA) this is where the game begins. Call the other half of your Men and tell them to attack. Not only are they now surrounded but also your men will soon be surrounded. This is where the most of the "Gang Lords" (that are in your union) come into play. They will have them all surrounded and now you will start picking off the feds one by one. Once you are fully in control of the situation demand that you will be supreme ruler of America. They will have to accept. Once in power do not make changes for a month. Get yourself comfortably situated. Learn the business. Then make a couple of laws; your first objective is complete chaos. First would be legalization of all drugs. MAKE SURE YOU SHUT DOWN ALL MEDIA! WORLD DOMINATION IS BEST ACHIEVED QUIETLY. SHUT DOWN TRANSPORTATION AND ALL SATELITES. NOTHING GETS IN, NOTHING GETS OUT. Then abolish the drinking age, drunk driving, and give the right to teenagers that they can do anything they would like. For the last one let me explain. Your teenage years you are full of acts of rebellion and are controlled by your emotions. It would be really easy for you to make them into your puppets. Chaos has been achieved. Congrats you now control what used to be America.

Now we will move on to ruling the world (this will be easy since America has a lot of resources). I would send fifty men to every country. Make them talk about rebellion against their own government. Destroy your enemies from the inside out. Make them rebel against the government. Offer funding and weaponry to the rebels. Convince them to topple the government for you. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Rule the world. Revel in your success at world domination. Play life and death games with your friends, family and perfect strangers. Die knowing that your name is engraved on public buildings. Well, at least until the next evil genius figures out how to rule the world or reads this.