A/N: Ah yes, I am once again contributing to the plump array of Harry Potter fics on this site. This is a script written for a project for my math class. The assignment was to explain a math concept through various techniques. Naturally, I picked roleplay. I was Harry, my two girl friends were Ron and Hermione, and my one male friend was dear old Voldy. Just imagine four teenagers speaking in obnoxious British accents while reading this. Because pretty much, that's what it was. And believe me, it's funnier when it's performed. XD. Enjoy.
Harry Potter and the Order of Operations
We open on an empty, desolate meadow. Suddenly, we hear a loud pop, and Harry Potter, teenage wiznerd and ultimate Chosen One appears. He seems to be very tired, and is moving stiffly.
Harry: (paces back and forth, breathing heavily)
Two more pops are heard. Ron Weasely and Hermione Granger appear, also in states similar to Harry's.
Harry: (raises his wand) Hark! Who goes there!
Ron: (irritated) It's just me and Hermione, mate.
Harry: No, no it's not! It could be…imposters! Trying to steal me, (faces audience) Harry Potter, teenage wiznerd and ultimate Chosen One! (faces R and H once more)
Hermione: Harry, we were just with you-
Harry: I don't care, we need to keep precautions! (suddenly approaches Ron and brandishes his wand at him) OI! You there! Tell me the Order of Operations!
Ron: ARE YOU MAD-?
Harry: Just tell me the Order of Operations!
Ron: (splutters) Uh, it's, it's, Parentheses Exponents Multiplication Division Addition and Subtraction!
Harry: (holds his defensive stance, then suddenly loosens up) By George, it's Ron! (steps back) Hey mates, how are you two?
Hermione: (places her hands on her hips) Well considering that we were just in yet another close battle with HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED, I'd say we're pretty bloomin' terrible!
Ron: I'll say. I think I sprained my vertex! (rubs side)
Hermione: (approaches Ron) Oh, Ronny! Ickle Ronnykins, are you alright?
Ron: 'Mione… (glances around) Not until the seventh book.
Hermione: Oh, right, right.
Harry: (gazes out at the distance) Well, he's gone for now. We should be glad that we've just narrowly escaped yet another epic battle…
Ron: Yeah, um, how many of those are we going to have?
Harry: (ignores him) …with HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED…
Hermione: We get it Harry. No need for another emo monologue. There are plenty in book five.
Ron: Wow, book five. We've been at this stupid thing for years now, haven't we?
Hermione: You could say that again. All the poor, poor members of the Order of Operations are so worn out.
Ron: Tryn' their hardest to save our Wiznerding World from its algebraic poverty. (sighs, then pauses) Oh, and protecting this bloke. (gestures to Harry)
Harry: Mm? What was that Ronald?
Ron: Oh come off it, Harry. We all know you're the not the brightest wiznerd.
Harry: Excuse me! Of course I am! I'm Harry Bloomin' Potter! Teenage Wiznerd and ultimate Chosen One!
Ron: Mate, you can't graph to save your own life.
Hermione: He's right, you know.
Harry: (sighs dramatically) That was one time!
Hermione: Sure, one time. But your coordinates were off. Way, way off.
Ron: Also, you can't even tell the difference between a bi- and trinomial.
Harry: Nomial thingies are difficult!
Hermione: Here's a hint: one has more terms.
Harry: Is that the binomial? (sees their disappointed faces) Well fine! I'd like to see you two try being Harry Potter, teenage wiznerd and ultimate Chosen One! Try having dead parents!
Hermione: My parents are Muggles.
Ron: My parents might as well be rabbits.
Harry: Shut up! You're ruining the effect! Anywhoo, I'd like to see you try being as brave, devilishly handsome, and generous as I am!
Suddenly, the evil wiznerd Lord Voldemort arrives in a cloud of smoke.
Voldemort: I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!
Harry, having just finished his tuff-man speech, proceeds to squeal like a girl and cling to Hermione.
Harry: Voldemort! IT'S VOLDEMORT!
Ron & Hermione: Voldemort!
Voldemort: Uh, yeah, didn't I just say that? (to himself) Yeesh…
Ron: (tries to act tough, to impress Hermione) What do you want?
Voldemort: Wellll, I would like to finish that huge epic battle we were just taking part in. You know, the one that all three of you left like total wussy-blokes, I might add.
Hermione: Well, we don't like you! You don't have a nose! (sticks out her tongue)
Voldemort: (puts a hand to his chest) That's cold. I could just kill you all right now! With the killing curse! (pauses) You do know what the killing curse is, right?
Harry: No, my parents died of old age. OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
Voldemort: Oh no you didn't. You know what? Me. You three. Epic Battle. NOW.
Voldy picks up four "sacred magical tablets" (whiteboards), and passes them out. They all stand in a line.
Voldemort: And the epic battle begins in three…
They all raise their boards like weapons.
Voldemort:…..two…one.
They all bend over their whiteboards, writing furiously.
Voldy tries to peek at Ron's board.
Ron: Hey! No peeking!
Voldemort: Sorry.
After a moment, they are all finished writing.
Voldemort: Alright! Times up! Well, (displays his board) I got 'Your Mom'.
Harry: My mom is dead.
Voldemort: Shut up. Anyway, let's see what you knockas have got.
They all raise their boards to show the audience, one by one.
Voldemort: Okay. Potter, hate your face by the way, you've got +10. Okaaaaaay. (addresses Hermione) Curly! You've got 6-(5-3). No idea what that's supposed to mean. Aaaand, (addresses Ron) Ginger! You've got….cat.
They all look at Ron's board, which, oddly enough, says 'CAT'.
Hermione: (nudges Ron) Ron!
Ron: What? Oh! (quickly erases 'CAT' and writes =14 in its place)
Voldemort: Okay, =14, I really don't see how this is supposed to-
The trio suddenly rearranges their boards so that they say 6-(5-3)+10=14.
Harry, Hermione, & Ron: Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, and Subtraction! Yeah! (they all jump up and do a cheesy team high five that the kids from High School Musical would be proud of)
Voldemort: (dramatic gasp) The Order of Operations! Oh noes! Not the Order of Operations! Nooo! Oh, what a world, what a world… (proceeds to melt)
The trio stares at the gooey mess on the floor.
Hermione: Wow. This ending was so much more anticlimactic than the other one.
Harry: (looks at her) There's another one?
Fin.