AN: Written for the A Very Potter Challenge and the AVPM/S Meets Harry Potter challenges on HPFC. Voldemort meets his AVPM self.

Disclaimer: I'm saving up my pocket money to buy the rights... but for now, er, no :S

"And then, we shall all slide through the air vents, onto the trampoline in the Room of Requirement, and –"

CRASH.

Voldemort's invasion of Hogwarts-speech was interrupted when the door of their top-secret-very-secret-bomb-proof base was blown open. He and his Death Eaters turned to peer at the intruders, slipping their wands out their pockets and pointing it at the smoke that clouded their vision.

The leader of the intruders blew the smoke away from the tip of his wand, running his hand over his bald head. "What – an – entrance!" he cried gleefully, turning round as the other intruders hurriedly nodded their agreement. Then he seemed to notice the people in the room staring at them.

"Ah! Just who we wanted to see," he said, stepping into the room. He wore a black cloak and black trousers, and purple makeup for some unknown reason. A blonde man dressed in a puffy shirt, waistcoat and tight black trousers was beside him, and a band of masked, cloaked Death Eaters followed in their wake. More Death Eaters? Voldemort thought. I have more followers?

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"I am Lord Voldemort," the leader of the intruders announced.

Voldemort furrowed his brow. "You can't be," he said bluntly. "I'm Lord Voldemort."

"I know you are," the other Voldemort told him.

"Well, you're clearly an impostor!" Voldemort accused, pointing his wand at him.

"I assure you, I'm not," the other Voldemort said.

The two glared at each other for a few moments, challenge in the new Voldemort's red eyes.

"You know, you're kind of… sexy," Voldemort observed, lowering his wand as he looked the other Voldemort up and down. His Death Eaters frowned as they tried to work out why he hadn't just killed the impostor right there on the spot.

"Yes, I know," Sexy Voldemort replied, milking the attention he was getting. "Back when I had a body, I had –"

"Mad game with the bitches!" both Voldemorts chimed reminiscently at the same time, before gasping.

"You too?" Sexy Voldemort asked in awe.

"Still do," Voldemort nodded, winking at Bellatrix who purred seductively.

Lucius retched behind Sexy Voldemort's back. "My Lord, if you remember – the deal?" He swept his hair out of his face and did some casual lunges at his master's side.

"Ah, yes! Of course. Lucius, if you would do the honours," Sexy Voldemort replied.

"OK, places, everyone!" Lucius called to the Death Eaters gathered behind him, clapping his hands together briskly. "And after 4: 1, 2, 3, and!"

The Death Eaters in the front row all began to do a funny movement that involved knocking their knees together and crossing over their hands. The back row, meanwhile, all jerked to life with stiff arm movements and awkward turns. Lucius cleared his throat dramatically, and then proceeded to twirl towards Voldemort. He leapt into a grand jete halfway there, and pirouetted the last few metres, flourishing his arms out wide. He finished by stopping in front of Voldemort and bringing his leg up and over Voldemort's head, expertly landing in third position. Sucking in a deep breath, he looked Voldemort straight in the eye, and said: "Good afternoon."

"What is the meaning of this?" Voldemort snarled, quite traumatised by what he'd just seen. "What deal?"

Lucius produced a sheet of parchment out of thin air – literally – and announced, in his most arrogant voice, "It has come to our attention that two Voldemorts and two groups of Death Eaters is rather confusing, and likely to get competitive. We, Lord Voldemort and his faithful followers, have choreographed." He accompanied each word with an over-the-top arm gesture. "We are willing to offer you, the original Lord Voldemort, and all your Death Eaters an early retirement. Part of the deal is that you are entitled to holiday homes in Majorca, away from all those annoying Muggle tourists – we've already Avada Kedavra'ed them – and one copy each of 'She's All That'. Meanwhile, we shall be the ones to find and kill Harry Potter and basically get all the glory and the chance to rule the Wizarding world and all the good stuff like that." Lucius finished with a bow, before he flung his arms out, fell backwards into the arms of a Death Eater and was dragged off to the side, kicking his legs up in the air for effect.

"Well – well, this is preposterous!" Voldemort cried, stamping on the piece of parchment in his outrage. "No deal!"

"Yes – well, I've been having second thoughts, too," Sexy Voldemort admitted.

"What do you mean, My Lord?" Lucius demanded, going into a forwards roll and standing up.

"It's just, I'm a little tired of all this 'oh-let's-go-kill-Harry-Potter-oh-oopsy-daisy-he's-escaped-again' business. I mean, what's in it for us, really?" Sexy Voldemort sighed. Lucius stared at him, slack-jawed.

"But – but – but –" he stammered, but before he could form a comprehensible sentence, Voldemort cut in.

"I know what you mean!" he exclaimed. "Harry Potter's just a little brat, if you think about it. He's not really harming anyone. I suppose killing his parents did give me a thrill – it was Halloween after all, perfect night for it – but ever since, killing people… well, it's just not filling that space in my heart anymore. I just feel empty inside, and if I'm honest, a little down in the dumps." He moaned in frustration. "You'd think killing people might make them like you, but it doesn't! It just makes you dead."

"My sentiments exactly!" Sexy Voldemort said enthusiastically, looking positively overjoyed at his newfound soulmate. "Maybe we should both retire early. Majorca has great water parks, I'm told. And I could do with a tan."

"My Lord, you can't be serious!" Lucius was gaping at his master disbelievingly. "We have a job to do – we have to kill Harry Potter!"

"No, I'm not serious, Bellatrix killed him last year," Sexy Voldemort said airily, and Voldemort cackled with laughter. Everyone else was looking on, not knowing how to react. "So what do you say – want to go rollerskating? I was supposed to go with Quirrell, but he went chasing pigs and farts or something like that."

"That sounds wonderful!" Voldemort breathed, beaming at Sexy Voldemort. The pair then swept from the room, chatting animatedly and exchanging stories of failed attempts to kill Harry Potter.

Lucius fell to the floor dramatically in despair. Yaxley removed his mask and waved something in his hand around uncertainly.

"So – anyone want to watch 'She's All That?'"

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