Hey, everyone! Something new. Two fics in one day. This is a fill for Joyful's picture prompt over on the Puckurt Fic Meme (puckurt. /970926. html? thread=24086190#t24086190). As always, please review! Even if this is crack.

Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me.

Happy Birthday, Princess Puckerman
One-shot

Kurt was sure he was hallucinating when he turned the corner and saw Puck sitting on a stoop with a bottle of alcohol raised to his lips and a cigarette in his other hand. A couple months ago, the alcohol wouldn't have surprised him at all, but Finn had mentioned to him that Puck had stayed true to the contract the Glee Club had signed with Mr. Schue the year before even though Nationals were long over.

What did surprise him was the fact that Puck was wearing a pink tutu, pink and white stripped socks, and a plastic tiara.

Because...what?

He stepped forward carefully, ready to bolt if things went south for whatever reason. Puck hadn't messed with him since he joined Glee, but...

Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.

Never tickle a sleeping dragon.

Never annoy a drinking Puckerman is more like.

"Puck?" he called carefully.

Puck snorted into the bottle, surprised. Looked at him and...yup. He was drunk. "Hum'l? What're you doin' here?"

"I had to pick something up for my dad. What are you wearing?"

Puck sent a drunken glare at his outfit as he tossed the cigarette away. "Fight Club guys're assholes." He slumped back against the step and raised his bottle. "Happy fuckin' bir'day to me. Look like a fuckin' moron."

Kurt couldn't disagree with that.

Spotted the Barbie Band-Aid on Puck's left knee and forced back the laugh that bubbled up his throat.

"Need a ride home?" he asked, unable to hide the grin.

Puck shook his head. "Ma'll kill me."

Kurt sighed. The couch it was. "Come on."

"Buyin' me more Jaeger?" Puck slurred, hopefully.

"No. No more alcohol for you."

"Gotta be fuckin' drunk if I'm wearin' this. Took my clothes. Fuckers."

Kurt bit his lip as he kneeled beside Puck, ready to help him to his feet. Stopped. "Puck...are you...are you wearing any underwear?"

"Nope," Puck replied, popping the 'P'.

Kurt's face flushed, eyes skyward as he looped the gold gift bag with its fairy wand around his wrist and helped Puck up. Not looking. Not looking. Not looking.

His car wasn't far away, thankfully, and Kurt urged Puck into the passenger seat. Looked around him and poured the alcohol out on the ground before he tossed the bottle into the trash. Puck whined from inside the car.

He kept his eyes forward as he started the Navigator, eyeing Puck out of his peripheral vision to make sure he didn't try to undo his seatbelt. Tried not to smile at how ridiculous Puck looked.

The drunken teen started shifting when they stopped at a red light and Kurt turned to make him stop. Froze when Puck's legs fell open.

Not looking.

Not looking.

Not looking.

Not-

Oh, hai, Puckzilla.

Fuck.

The End

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