Summary: The anniversary of the Tarsus IV Massacre rolls around. Kirk tries to forget what day it is, Spock and McCoy refuse to. Discoveries are made that give us a glimpse of the past that helped shape James T. Kirk into the man he is.

Warnings: I didn't put anything too terribly violent in it, but the subject matter is a Massacre. Thus the rating. Also a tongue-in-cheek comment about what McCoy plans to do on Risa. Bones honestly means he is going to go stuff his guts full of food (trust me, I'm the Author). And it just wouldn't be our Enterprise if there wasn't *some* drinking.

If you haven't watched "The Conscience of the King" you will probably be slightly lost. But there aren't any real spoilers for that episode.

Nerd Talk: Details such as Vulcan veggies and Kirk's age are from Memory Alpha. They know more about Star Trek than I do; argue with them if you take exception to any of it. Other than that, the elements and events are just my opinions and ideas.

Author's Note (Not to be confused with Nerd Talk although I could easily understand the mix-up): This idea has been floating around in my head a while, along with half a dozen others, of what little Jim Kirk must have gone through on Tarsus. This is a tad more angsty than my other stuff, I tried to keep Kirk reasonably in character (not bawling his eyes out) but if any of it is "over-the-top" let me know. Also hope the flashbacks aren't too disjointed, but memories are often like that. I'm trusting in your intelligence to figure out what is the NOW and what was the THEN. The lines drive me crazy. Wanted to use something else for the real "scene changes" and the lines for the memories. But naturally the computer has fought me every step of the way. So this is what you get.

Disclaimer: Don't own Star Trek. If I did TOS wouldn't have been canceled after just 3 seasons… not to mention it would have a better final episode than "Kirk has a sex change"

Vorik was my creation, but you can play with him if you ask nicely… and you promise to keep him a good guy.

Kirk lay on his bed analyzing the shadows on the ceiling. He wasn't scheduled for Bridge Duty for the entire day. He wished he would have noticed the change on the Duty Roster sooner. He would rather have kept extra busy today of all days.

He glanced over at the monitor and sighed. He had been putting this off for weeks, and he knew it. He felt slightly guilty for not even responding to the Historical Society, but… they of all people should have understood why. All he really wanted to do was forget, but he knew he couldn't. Not ever, really, but certainly not today.

Just then the door chimed.

Kirk snatched a book off of his night table before calling, "Enter!"

Spock walked in, "Captain."

"Spock, what can I do for you?"

"I merely came to…" Spock shifted for a moment, "see if you were alright."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Spock was expecting this, and knew the best way to tackle Kirk's defense was with sheer Vulan-style directness:

"Because, Captain, today marks the anniversary of the Tarsus IV Massacre."

"I'm fine, Spock," Kirk was trying to keep the edge out of his voice, "Really. I'm fine. I didn't even realize today's date! Just been reading this book, and enjoying my day off. I honestly haven't even thought about Tarsus or Kodos… in quite some time, in fact. I'm fine."

"Jim… Your book is upside-down."

Kirk turned red as he glanced at the incriminating page. Just then Dr. McCoy came in the room, without even bothering to buzz first.

"Jim… Spock…. Jim, you okay?"

Kirk grumbled. He was about to tell them to butt out, to just leave him alone, to just let him get to the Bridge and work. Then he looked at them. Spock was standing completely stiff, which meant he was *incredibly* uncomfortable and did not quite know what to do, but his eyes were practically bursting with compassion. Bones had a bottle of Jack in one hand, and his face radiated both concern and understanding.

He was in a room with the two people in the Universe he was truly close to…and they only wanted to help.

"Well," he sighed; making up his mind, "Since you both are here and you both want to talk about Tarsus IV we might as well watch this thing that I haven't gotten around to; been too busy."

Kirk walked over to his desk and pulled up the communiqué.

"I got this from the Historical Society of Tarsus. They have been going through all of the old surveillance and traffic cameras. Most were destroyed or damaged beyond salvaging, but apparently they have managed to extract some images and video from… then."

"A most worthy endeavor," Spock said, "The victims should be memorialized, and the unfortunate events learned from, so that they will not be repeated."

"Yeah…" Kirk sighed, "Well, I guess they got some footage of… me… they need me to view it and then sign a thing that says they can use it in some sort of Documentary."

McCoy and Spock looked at each other. They quietly pulled up two chairs and sat behind their Captain as he accessed the video.

"I don't want… I don't know if it will be graphic or gruesome for you guys… I mean, I really have no idea what it is. Could be anything. Heck, it could even be before…" He tried to chuckle, "It's probably just the back of my head or my butt or something,"

"Your butt would definitely increase the number of female viewers if they put it in their Documentary," Bone chimed in, knowing that Kirk needed to hear a joke to feel "normal." He then laid a hand on his friend's shoulder, "Let's just watch it and get it over with. Then we can see if Spock handles Jack Daniels any better than Hot Chocolate."

Kirk smiled, and then took a deep breath. "Here goes."

The screen came to life with a static-filled and somewhat garbled image. It slowly cleared to reveal a pile of rubble. The camera was focused on what had been the intersection of some airway. It was impossible to tell which one. There was smoke in the background, and the noises indicated that looters were close by.

Kirk felt his heart pound. He should have turned the volume off… the sounds…

The scene did nothing for a moment. The only movement was the smoke. Then suddenly… there he was. 13 year old James Kirk. His face was definitely recognizable, though considerably younger looking. His hair was in complete disarray, and he had a cut on his forehead. He was thin to the point of emaciation.

All of this, though, was not the reason Spock visibly flinched and leaned forward…

It was the second figure. A young child, a boy, with an equally heart-wrenching appearance. The little child could have been no more than 5 or 6, and he had a death grip on Jim's hand. This child had pointed ears.

The image of young Jim turned and held up a hand to the boy in a "wait here" motion, then made his way down the rubble pile. He looked around a bit before he picked up something. He climbed back up. Moments later there was an explosion.

Captain Kirk jumped backwards in his seat and swore under his breath. Spock leaned in closer to him, eyes fixated on the children.

The image was filled with static again then cleared in time to see Jim pick up the child and begin to run.

The screen went dark.

"Jim…" Bones whispered, "Who… who was that with you?"

Kirk grabbed the bottle of Jack and took several swigs. He wanted to squash the torrential downpour of memories…

Young Jim tried to coax the child away from the body.

"What's your name?" he asked. The child said nothing.

"I'm Jim. Are you alone?"

Still nothing.

Kirk swallowed hard then said hoarsely, "I don't know."

"You have no recollection of this event?" Spock asked.

"No. I remember all of it. I meant that I never knew who he was. The boy couldn't talk. I never knew his name."

"How did you find him?" Spock asked after a long moment.

"I found him next to…" he paused, "His mother."

The two nodded in understanding.

"She was already… and the boy wouldn't answer me. He was injured… I tried to get him to talk, but… I think he had seen her… had been there when she… so I picked him up because he wouldn't have lasted long alone there. People killed each other for clothing, and there was no food. He was too young to take care of himself."

Jim finally found a smashed E-ration pack at the bottom of the rubble pile. Tearing it open, he found a half soggy protein bar. He handed it to the child.

"Come on, eat! I been lookin' all day, that's all you get!" He said angrily. He was hungry and tired. He didn't know anything about taking care of little kids. Let alone Vulcans.

"I wish Mom were here. Or Dad. Or Sam. They'd know what to do…"

Jim turned and pretended to throw the bar in his mouth and chew it up. He then handed it back to the child, who slowly took a bite.

Spock lightly touched Kirk's arm, "What happened to the child?"

Kirk sighed, "He was with me for a few days. I tried to find food for us, but it was hard. I didn't even know if he understood me when I spoke to him. I couldn't tell what he needed, and I didn't know how to help him."

"You thirsty?" Jim asked.

The child stared at him.

Jim cupped his hand and pretended to drink from it. The child just blinked.

"I don't know how much water Vulcans need. I don't even know how much I need. But I'm thirsty, so I'm gonna bet you are too."

"So… after a few days, we ended up spending the night in an abandoned farmhouse where several other refugees had hidden…"

Jim picked up the child, who had already fallen asleep, and carried him through the crowds of people to a dark corner of the room. He sat down and wrapped the kid up in his arms.

Vulcan was a hot planet, he was pretty sure it was anyway, so it made sense the kid was probably cold all the time. And the nights were getting very chilly…

He leaned his head back and had almost fallen asleep when he heard a mocking voice, "I somehow doubt that is YOUR child."

Jim's eyes snapped open. A man was leering at them from across the room.

"So?" Jim asked in the arrogant tone that only 13 year olds can get away with.

"So why bother? Looks like the kid has a nice warm jacket… big too. Big enough to fit me."

"It's HIS!" Jim snapped.

"Sure, son. Sure."

"I'm NOT your son!"

"Neither is that kid."

Jim decided he wouldn't sleep that night. He leaned hard against the wall and wrapped his arms tighter around the child.

The night dragged on… it was hard to stay awake… maybe if he just closed his eyes for a minute…

Suddenly he felt his arm being moved. He jerked awake and saw the same leering man trying to peel away the jacket.

"HEY!" Jim yelled. The kid woke up and squirmed out of his lap.

The man turned to walk off, but Jim Kirk was going to have none of that. He leaped onto the man and brought him down with a crash. The man swore and rolled over, effectively tossing Jim off of him. A moment later there was a knife raised above Jim's head. He covered his face with his arm and braced himself. A second later he heard the man grunt. He looked up to see a Vulcan holding the man's shoulder as he sank unconsciously to the ground.

Jim scrambled up, "Thanks."

"Where did you find this child?" The Vulcan asked bluntly.

"I met a Vulcan there, who basically ordered me to give the boy to him. I wasn't sure what to do. I hated to just leave the child, but I knew it was best. I figured another Vulcan would be better suited to take care of him…"

"Where are you going?" Jim whispered as the Vulcan gathered up the child to leave. It was early in the morning, and they were the only ones awake.

"South."

"You shouldn't, it's bad. Really bad. A lot of people are dead there."

The Vulcan ignored him. It made Jim mad.

"Look Mister, I been to the South. The Governor is there. I've heard there's food up North. The famine wasn't so bad there."

"The famine is planet-wide. The direction you head is irrelevant."

Jim said no more. He thought about asking to tag along, but knew that the Vulcan probably didn't want another kid to watch after. When the sun finally came up he turned Northwards and continued on by himself.

"I don't know what happened to the child… I used to think about him a lot. I wondered if I did the right thing... I still do."

"It was the logical course of action to take, Jim" Spock said, his hand still hadn't moved.

"I know," Kirk swallowed again, "But after that… I was alone…"

They both understood.

They were together for the rest of the day.
Bones and Kirk drank up, Spock sat and watched.
Kirk and Spock played chess, Bones sat and watched.
Spock and Bones started arguing, Kirk sat and watched.
Nothing more was said about Tarsus IV. They discussed everything from their upcoming mission to what color they ought to paint the Mess Hall. It was exactly what Kirk needed; to remember a moment and then get back to life.

The next day the usual confident and smiling Captain Kirk sat on the Bridge satisfied in his element. Only Spock's perceptive eye could see that a part of his mind was still back there...

"How long are we gonna be in orbit, Jim?" McCoy asked with a sigh.

"Just one day. I promise we will get to Risa as soon as we have all the supplies on board."

Bones huffed.

"They are your Medical Supplies, Doctor," Spock stated simply, "You can not take exception to the delay, since it was your oversight that lead to the supply being depleted."

"Not my fault you go through Vulcan pills like an old lady! I hope you told them to order us a double case this time!"

"You could always take Shore Leave here," Kirk piped in.

"On Vulcan? That would be the day. Now if you'll excuse me," Bones scowled sauntering off, "I have to get back to filling out all these blasted forms. Vulcans! I swear they want the exact dimensions of my entire Sick Bay! Can't just believe me when I say I need 'em…"

Kirk chuckled then turned to look at Spock, "Will you be beaming down to visit your parents?"

"Ambassador Sarek and the Lady Amanda are away on a diplomatic mission."

"Pity."

"However… I was planning on beaming down to oversee that the supplies are satisfactory."

"Ah," Kirk said playfully, "A sensible precaution Mr. Spock. You ought to go enjoy to some real Yon-savas while your there."

"A logical suggestion… Captain… would you care to join me?"

The Bridge Crew shifted in surprise at Spock's invitation, but they were not at all shocked by Kirk's gleeful response, "I'd love to Mr. Spock… just to help oversee the supplies of course."

"Of course, Captain." Spock responded with a nod.

Kirk squirmed under the intense heat. He was kicking himself for not remembering the Sunblock Hypo. Spock seemed completely relaxed as he looked over all of the storage containers and talked with the personnel loading them onto the transporter pad. He seemed content to stand out there and soak up the sun.

"You about done?" Kirk called out.

"Affirmative. Captain, I would advise you endeavor to stand in the shade from now on. Your skin has started to turn red indicating it has reached its UV exposure limits."

"Yeah well, I thought we were going to go find a nice air-conditioned restaurant. Didn't think it would take you that long to look over supplies."

"Some minor complications, due to the Doctors illegible handwriting. We may take refreshments now, if you are ready."

"Quite," Kirk grumbled, he could almost feel his skin cells turning extra crispy.

The two walked down the street a ways before turning into a small restaurant. Kirk stepped in and tried not to sigh. It was still hot inside, but at least cooler than out there.

There was hardly anyone else in the place.

"You sure they serve good food here? Seems kind of devoid of customers," Kirk whispered. Spock merely gave him the "I'm-a-local-trust-me" look.

He shrugged and followed Spock to a rather large table.

"What would you like, Captain?"

"Something cold to drink, extra sweet if possible."

Spock nodded and did the ordering. Kirk picked up the menu card and tried desperately to make sense of the Vulcan phrases. He finally gave up and decided he would just order whatever Spock got and hope for the best.

Moments later he was guzzling down his iced tea, completely oblivious to the stranger that had approached the table.

"Jim," Spock said softly.

He looked up.

"I am Vorik," the Vulcan said.

Kirk glanced at Spock then back at Vorik, "Uh…Hello…I am Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise… uh… and this is my First Officer, Mr. Spock."

Vorik raised his hand in greeting. It was then Kirk saw the scar on his arm.

"Hold Still," Young Jim Kirk said, "You got a nasty cut."

The child flinched.

"I know Vulcans don't like being touched, but you're bleeding. Hold still."

The child scrambled away. Jim held up the cloth and pointed to his arm. He mimicked wrapping it up. He then beckoned the child forward and tried to look as welcoming as possible. The child finally moved closer and held absolutely still as he tended the jagged cut.

Kirk felt the glass drop from his hand, and saw Spock's quick reflexes catch it before the tea spilled all over the table. He knew his mouth was open, but he couldn't quite get it to shut nor could he make any words come for at least a full minute.

Finally he whispered, "You…. You're… alive."

"For which I am indebted to you, Captain Kirk."

"But I don't understand. How did…?"

"Mr. Spock contacted me. After he explained who you were, he made arrangements for us to meet again."

Kirk gave Spock an astonished look then gestured Vorik to a chair, "Please join us. I'd like to know what happened… after."

"You placed me in capable hands, Captain, the Vulcan Healer's name was Taurik. He helped me in a great many ways. Regrettably, he was killed after. You were right to try and prevent him from traveling South. It was more dangerous than he had anticipated."

"You remember that?"

"I remember much of that time. Particularly I remember you sacrificing food to nourish me, and risking your life to protect me. My most vivid recollections are of your efforts to communicate by gestures. Some of your expressions were… interesting."

"Look, you need to wait here and hide while I look for food, Ok?" Jim said.

The child clung to his hand and wouldn't let go.

Jim shook it off and gestured for him to wait. He got two steps away before he realized the child was still standing in plain sight. How was he supposed to get the idea of "hide" across?

Jim took his hands and covered his face, then opened them "Peek-a-boo!"

The child gave him a comical surprised and confused look.

"You know, you Vulcans are kind of cute when you're confused… Peek-a-boo!"

Jim then pointed to a crate. The child walked over to it and climbed in. He looked at Jim again

"Peek-a-boo!" Jim grinned and gave him a thumbs-up.

"Maybe I can find a stinking Vulcan dictionary," he mumbled as he walked off.

Kirk smiled.

"Your adaptability was most impressive," Vorik said. Then silence fell over the table.

"I'm glad you made it," Kirk knew it was lame, but he hadn't realized until that moment how much he had needed to say that.

"It is gratifying that you survived as well."

More drinks were ordered. Spock sat quietly back watching Jim and Vorik interact with each other, this time without the barriers of language and hardship. He reflected back on the image of the two unfortunate children. One had grown to become a distinguished Vulcan Healer who specialized in Pediatrics, the other to become one of the most remarkable Captains in Starfleet.

Spock couldn't help but acknowledge that he was… pleased… that two such special children had survived Tarsus IV.

"Well, other than his skin being flame broiled, sounds like it went off without a hitch," McCoy grinned at Spock.

"Affirmative."

"And Jim wasn't too "highly emotional" like you thought he'd be. See? You warned Vorik for nothing."

"On the contrary, Jim reacted exactly as anticipated. I warned Vorik because he is not as accustomed to irrational Human reactions as I am."

Bones snorted, giving that remark the attention he felt it deserved. He then sobered, "It's good Jim finally got to have closure. I still can't believe you called each and every one of those names."

"To the logical mind, Doctor, it was really not so unbelievable a task. I simply narrowed down the names to those who would have been in the appropriate age group."

"Uh huh… and how many names did you get after narrowing them down?"

"879"

"And you called the families of all 879 names?"

"No, I was on the 634th when I at last contacted Vorik's family."

McCoy shook his head, "Well… you'll be happy to know we have a lifetime supply of your vitamins (which you hardly ever take) no need to thank me for making myself look like a fool and giving up a whole day that could have been spent on Risa."

"It was the only believable and viable excuse to make a stop on Vulcan, Doctor."

"Believable! You think I would ever let my medical supplies run out? I am surprised Jim fell for it. By the way, I stored the extra bins in your room. Seems only fair since they're your blasted pills! Your great great grandchildren will probably still have cases left!"

"That should enable me to stay completely healthy despite your substandard medical skill."

"Don't bet on it! You are as bad as Jim when it comes to getting in trouble. You best be glad I'm so patient. And believe me, next time you are in for a physical I'll show you what substandard is! Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to be beaming down for my "sensualist pleasures" in a few minutes."

Spock gave him the appropriate humans-are-disturbing look then returned to his quarters.

Immediately his eyes fell on a VidDisc placed conspicuously on his desk. It was labeled: Famine and Fury; a Documentary of the Tarsus IV Massacre.

Attached was a note:

The Historical Society sent this. I told them they could use the footage, but I also told them they needed to ask Vorik for permission, too. I have to say, it felt good to tell them that. They were pretty surprised. They had tried to figure out who it was, but had failed. I guess they aren't as persistent and dedicated as some I know.

I decided not to watch it. Seeing it all once was enough. But as you said, those lost should be remembered, and we ought to learn from the mistakes made. Someday, perhaps, I will want to see it. And when that time comes, I want both you and Bones to be there.

I know you will. You two always are.

Thanks. For everything.

-Jim