A Score of Snails

A/N: ...yeah, okay, as you may/may not know, laptop is stolen by teachers, etc etc read chapter 12 of mind the gap for more info.

I can't write. It kills me.

Named because there is a music score next to me and a picture of french horn in front of me. French horns remind me of snails. I don't even know.

It is like... midnight right now... and I snuck onto my dads laptop, put my ipod on shuffle and decided to start writing and see what it turns into.

IN OTHER WORDS, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FRIDGE IM EVEN GONNA WRITE ABOUT. YAY. LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS SHALL WE.

Disclaimer: I dont own whatever the fuck im about to write about.

Ivan's head slammed into the wood of his desk. His eyes were wide and surprise, slightly dazed from the hard knock. He looked up at the man who stood over him, blinking in astonishment.

"Alfred?"

The blonde gave his coworker a crooked smile. "Ivan. Haven't talked to you in ages. How's life?"

Ivan paused, one eyebrow raised slightly. This was getting more and more confusing every second. "Alfred... you just walked into my classroom, asked to borrow a pen, then when I turned to actually give you one you slammed my head into a desk and are currently holding me down by the hair. Is it necessary for me to explain to you that this is... to say... abnormal?"

Alfred laughed. "You're right. This is abnormal. Wanna get a coffee?"

Ivan was... a little more than confused at this point. "...Alfred? Coffee?"

"...Last night, something weird happened Ivan."

"...what happened Alfred?"

"My big brother fucked me."

This statement made Ivan's mouth clamp shut. His throat closed up and his eyes stared glassily at the younger. "You... what?"

"I fucked my brother Ivan. Arthur, you know. He teaches English. Blonde, eyebrows like the Great Wall of China. He fucked me. Right up the arse. My butt still hurts."

Ivan didn't know what to do. He'd never been faced with anything like this before... And so, he did the only thing his shell shocked brain could manage. He giggled.

"This... this isn't a particularly funny issue Ivan..." Alfred's hand loosened slightly in Ivan's hair, tears threatening to well up in his eyes.

"D-da... It is most certainly not funny... quite the contrary Alfred, I think you should tell this to someone useful. You hardly know me even... why come to me?"

Alfred's hand loosened even more before tightening again. "Ivan... I'm a woman."

This... now this just made Ivan so utterly confused he had to backtrack a bit to fully comprehend what his colleague was saying.

"You... you're a what?"

"A woman, Ivan. A female. With boobs. And a pussy. And... and... I lied. I'm not actually a woman. I'm a hermaphrodite. Like a snail, you know, I have a penis and a vagina."

And this was the point where Ivan's mind exploded. "...Am I dreaming?"

"No... no you're... yes, yes you are! No wait... you're... I don't know, I lied again, I'm not a hermaphrodite. I'm just an average guy."

"...I wouldn't have guessed." Ivan said, eyes now wide as dinner plates. What was even happening...

"Oh god Ivan... I FUCKED MY BROTHER." Alfred yelled before the tears overwhelmed him, spilling from the corners in his eyes and dripping down his cheeks as he let go of the Russian and crawled underneath the desk, his vision blurring and attempting to hold back the choking sobs that threatened to escape from his throat. Memories from the night before flooded his brain and he hid his face in his arms. A silhouette filled his vision and he peeked out of his tightly shut eyelids enough to see Ivan's concerned expression. "...You must think I'm disgusting."

Ivan smiled shakily. He honestly wasn't sure what to think... this was a lot to comprehend in less than ten minutes... "No, Alfred... there are many words to describe you and not one of them is disgusting."

Alfred reburied his face in his hands. "Are you kidding? I'm revolting. Repulsive. Hideous. God I hate myself..."

Ivan frowned and slipped a hand between Alfred's clenched ones in order to cup his chin gently, lifting it so he could look into the American's puffy red eyes. "Alfred... you are none of those things. You are beautiful. Gorgeous even. Radient and sunny, so warm I feel like I could melt whenever I so much as glance your way. Just your smile is enough to start up the butterflies in my stomach, and the closer you are, the harder they battle to escape their confines. Even when you're crying you are adorable; I only wish I could see your beautiful face more."

Alfred let slip a lop sided smile, a mischeivous glint lighting up his eyes before he grabbed Ivan's hand and promptly wiped his nose on it. "Still adorable?"

Ivan laughed and wiped his hand on Alfred's sleeve. "You are adorable no matter what you are doing. In fact, I think you're unprodictableness is the thing I like the most about you Alfred."

Seeing the blush colour his coworkers cheek at that statement, Ivan leaned in slowly and closed his eyes, allowing their lips to meet in a gentle, soft kiss. It was short and light, when Ivan pulled away their eyes met, watery, surprised blue with wide, shy violet. "Alfred... I've been in love with you since the moment we met."

At that moment, a bus drove through the classroom but the two star crossed lovers were too busy staring sappily into each others eyes to notice.

"Ivan..."

"Alfred..."

"Ivan..."

"Alfred..."

"...did you know that snails produce a slime so thick that they can crawl across the edge of a razer without getting hurt?"

"...yeah, yeah I did know that actually."

"Oh... did you know that they're also deaf?"

"Nope, that's a new one for me."

"Hah, snails are awesome."

And that was when their lips met once again, their tongues clashing together for a frenzy of saliva and wet, squishy organ dancing.

"Oh... Ivan..." Alfred murmured, parting from Ivan, his lips now swollen from the excessive kissing going on. "We... we should fuck..."

"Mm... Okay..."

And then China appeared and was all like "HERRO, IM A GENIE. YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES."

So Alfred said, "I wish me and Ivan were naked."

And Ivan said, "I wish Alfred was already nice and prepared so I could fuck him senseless."

And Norway said, "I wish-"

But then the rest of his statement was drowned out by the sound of the two fucking each others brains out. So him and China just watched. And totally jerked each other off to it cause thats just how they roll.

And then the Earth crashed into Mars and everyone turned into mutants. The end.

A/N: …...um... this started out serious? I don't even know hgsdjhfgakjsdhf bleh. Oh god I'm tired. And dinoburger's not online... SEE WHAT YOU'RE MISSING SILPOK? DO YOU SEE IT?

...bleh, I need a beer.

No I don't, I'm underaged.

Why am I still talking?

Goodbye.