Soooo… I've decided that I need to work on my fluff…a lot. I sat around and tried to get a good idea. Goodness gracious I thank God every day for my random and creative brain! This is basically what popped out of my ear while listening to Miranda Cosgrove's sickeningly mushy and corny music. Enjoy.

The Perfect Fatcake

It was a common sight to see something strange when you walk into the Shay apartment. Maybe it was one of Spencer's giant sculptures of various kinds of food, or Sam trying to eat it. Basically, normal isn't normal.

I grabbed my laptop and mountain of cables off of my desk, attempting to also grab a couple of hard drives from the floor. I stumbled and just managed to keep my laptop from crashing onto to my hardwood floor.

"I'll just make two trips…" I grumbled. I tripped and staggered my way through my living room and out into the hallway where I had to use my foot to jiggle the doorknob open. When I crashed through the door, dropping everything in my arms in the process, I saw Sam standing at the counter in a peculiar stance.

"You could've helped me!" I yelled as I untangled the cords from my legs. Sam ignored me and continued to move around the counter, concentrating deeply on a small object placed right in the center. Sam hmmmed and mhmmed as she moved lightly in circles. I could see that the object was a pink, spongy Fatcake.

"Hello? I'm talking to you Puckett!" I got up and started to march over to here.

"SHHH!" Sam hushed me and pushed me back without turning around, "I finally found it." She whispered.

"Found what?" I rolled my eyes. Sam laughed mirthfully and rubbed her fingers together.

"It's so perfect." She purred.

"If you're not going tell me what it is, then I'm not gonna bother-" I started to say until Sam grabbed the collar of my shirt and got in my face, her eyes inches from mine.

"Don't speak around it!" She hissed. Her breath smelled like peppermint toothpaste as it washed over my face. I actually enjoyed her minty breath so I provoked her more.

"Why not?" I spoke loudly. Sam slapped her hand over my mouth and scowled.

"Because, dorkface, that is the perfect Fatcake!" Sam said sourly. She released my shirt and pushed me over the side of the couch. I landed hard on the cushions, the sharp smell of mint still stinging my nostrils. I let the mint sink into my brain as I relaxed with my arms behind my head.

"SO, how is this Fatcake any different from the thousands you've consumed before?" I said lazily. Sam huffed and turned around to face me.

"Are you BLIND?" She stabbed a finger at the lump of fat, "It's so perfectly round with the exact amount of sprinkles and filling!" I could see a sliver of drool forming at the corner of Sam's lips.

"It's just a Fatcake." I muttered.

One thing you should know: when it comes to food, Sam has ears like a Bloodhound. She spun around and dove for my throat. I managed to grip her shoulders before her hands made their way around my windpipe. Instead of choking me, Sam started to punch every inch of my chest she could reach.

"Sam! SAM!" I wheezed as all the air was forced from my lungs. Sam scampered off my body with a final punch and blew a kiss in my direction. I looked at her, totally bewildered with my mouth gaping open like an idiot. I shook my head roughly. She was just screwing with my head. I grumbled and grabbed a newspaper from the ground and pretended to read it. I was really peaking over the top to watch Sam worship her snack.

"Will you just eat the thing?" I snapped, "I'm tired of watching you make kissy faces at it."

"I would've devoured it the moment I unwrapped it but unfortunately, I forgot my camera on the fire escape last night." Sam said calmly.

"Why did you have a camera on the fire escape last night?"

"Don't worry you're pretty little head about it." Sam looked longingly at the Fatcake and made her way into the living room. She slapped the newspaper out of my hand and grabbed my shirt collar again.

"Now, I'm going to get my camera and when I come back, that Fatcake better be the way I left it." Sam purred into my face.

"And what if it's not?" I gulped, shuddering at the thought.

"Do you like pudding, Freddie?" Sam smiled maliciously.

"Um, y-yeah." I stuttered.

"Let's just say you'll lose your appetite for it if that happens." Sam released her iron grip and gave me an evil grin before slamming the door behind her. I took a moment to catch my breath before hopping off the couch. I dashed to the Shay's cupboard and dug out a Fatcake from Spencer's secret stash. I threw it on the ground and stomped on it several times. I unwrapped it and mutilated it even more with my fingers. I carefully took the perfect Fatcake and hid it in the cabinet where all the dinner plates are kept. I placed the mangled pink blob in the exact spot the original was and dove back on the couch just in time for Sam to come waltzing through the door. She had her camera slung around her neck and was whistling the Fatcake Official Theme Song. I snickered behind the upside down newspaper and waited for Sam to see what I left for her. She abruptly stopped whistling and dropped the camera out of her hands. Her jaw dropped and she raced into the kitchen, the camera bouncing against her hips.

"What-? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FATCAKE?" Sam wailed. I expected her to keep her oath on killing my love for fudge.

Sam turned around dangerously slow. She held up a shaking fist with the veins popping out on the back of her hand. She opened her mouth furiously but no sound passed her lips, her eyes were ablaze with anger and wrath. Sam took a shuddering breath and fainted.

"WHOA!" I cried. I leaped off the couch and crouched next to her limp body. I cradled her head in my hands.

"Crap crap crap! What have I done?" I said, panic-stricken. I looked down at Sam's face and swore I could see her twitching. I leaned my head in closer and Sam opened one infuriated eye.

"You're dead." She whispered. Too late to run. Sam hands closed around the back of my shirt, throwing me to the ground. She pounced on top of me and dug her knees into my chest.

"ACK! SAM! STOP!" I pleaded. She ignored my pleas and started to punch my stomach. I grabbed her shoulders and wrestled her away. Sam stumbled and fell over onto the couch. Every part of my body screamed with pain. It felt like my ribs were snapped where she dug in her knees. I wheezed and coughed as I rolled into a helpless little ball.

"You destroyed my Fatcake!" Sam yowled lividly.

"I didn't…destroy…your Fatcake!" I panted.

"But it's-"

"It's in the cabinet!" I jabbed my finger to the kitchen. Sam bounded over and pulled out the plate with the perfectly round Fatcake still intact.

"Freddie, you idiot! I could've killed you!" Sam cried, helping me up from the ground. I clutched my chest and squinted my eyes.

"I think you already did!" I snapped angrily. Sam sat back on her heels and bit her lip.

"I'm sorry…" she said softly.

"What?" I looked at her through my squinted eyes. I thought it was just my body playing tricks on me from all the pain.

"I'm sorry! S-O-R-R-Y!" Sam shouted remorsefully. I grinned and hoisted myself onto the couch.

"Don't worry about it. I'm totally fine." I lied. My chest and stomach begged to differ.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah yeah, internal bleeding is no big deal." I waved my hand as if the issued didn't matter. Sam got up from the couch and brought back the Fatcake.

"You can have it." She shoved the plate at my chest with her head bowed. I was totally stunned beyond anything else. Sam was offering me the perfect Fatcake.

"No, you eat it." I pushed the plate back toward Sam.

"You sure?" She asked innocently. I nodded and pulled the camera from around Sam's neck. She held up the Fatcake in her palm and I snapped a picture. Sam shoved the entire Fatcake in her mouth. Her cheeks bulged and her lips were turned up in a huge grin. She chewed and swallowed, sighing in ecstasy.

"How did it taste?" I asked her.

"You wanna find out?" she grinned mischievously. I was about to raise my hands in defense when Sam leaped on me and forced her lips on mine. I was shocked for about a millisecond before I let the good feeling wash over me, it was like the taste of mint and Fatcake. Then I heard someone tromping down the stairs.

"What's going on down here? I heard scream-" Carly stopped mid-sentence and smirked. Sam jumped off of me and smirked back at Carly.

"How'd it taste?" Sam asked me with a laugh.

"I don't know, can I have another?" I said. Needless to say, my wish was granted.

Oh by the way, the Fatcake tasted great.