Title: It's One of Those Things.
Author: sazzy_kitten
Rating: R
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Blaine/Kurt, Puck/Kurt, mentioned Santana/Brittany
Genre: Romance/Humour(?)
Warning: Not quite full fledged sexual situations. Allusions to a blow job,
grinding, and a little bit of painful text talk... Nothing worse than
that.
Spoilers: Parts of season 2. Don't know for sure which ones, but you
know.
Disclaimer: Uh-uh. Not happening. If I did, things would be very different for Kurt.
That said... Don't own Lily Allen's, "It's Not Fair,"
either.
Author Notes: This idea has seriously been stewing for months. I haven't had a chance
before now to do anything about though. It's just a funny idea I had.
I'm so not a Klaine person...Also, you have no idea how difficult it
was for me to write the text at the bottom. I text, but I use proper
English most of the time.
Summary: As it turned out, romance was further down his list of priorities
than sex. Go figure that the ideal guy would fail at the one thing he
really needed right now

A/N: If anyone spies any mistakes, please let me know! Thanks and enjoy! :D

Oh he treats me with respect he says he loves me all the time
He calls me fifteen times a day he likes to make sure that I'm fine
You know I've never met a man whose made me feel quite so secure
He's not like all them other boys they're all so dumb and immature

Kurt smiled slowly when his phone vibrated. Discreetly, so Mr. Schue wouldn't see him, he opened the message and read over the words, the "I love you" and the "How are you doing?"highlighted in white against the black background of the screen. He quickly typed a positive response and pocketed his phone, relaxing into the hard back of his uncomfortable plastic chair.

Beside him, Puck and Finn seemed to be engaged in a competition to determine who was the least intellectually evolved of them. Kurt rolled his eyes when Finn tilted his hips to the side and a loud fart disrupted Rachel's customary beginning-of-rehearsal speech. Puck laughed and waved his hand to clear the air around his nose. Kurt gagged when the smell reached his nose and nearly knocked his chair over in his haste to escape the stench.

"Finn, that's disgusting," he cried, hurrying to take the empty seat beside Mercedes who pursed her lips and shook her head. Finn shrugged carelessly and high fived Puck with a grin while the rest of the boys snickered.

"Well baby, at least you got a good one," she said, slipping her arm around his elbow. Kurt huffed and sneered slightly.

"Too true."

There's just one thing that's getting in the way
When we go up to bed you're just not good it's such a shame
I look into your eyes I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise and its apparent it's all over

"So it's just you and me tonight?" Blaine asked, that ever-charming smile on his lips. Kurt nodded as he opened the door wider to admit entrance into the house.

"Of course; Dad and Carole are on their weekly date and Finn's out with Quinn," he replied, flipping the lock and waiting for Blaine to finish untying his shoes. "They won't be back until eleven at the earliest."

"Perfect."

Kurt hummed quietly as Blaine pushed his tongue into his mouth, gently rolling his hips as if he thought Kurt would break if he pressed too hard. Kurt shifted, trying to get more friction against his barely there erection.

"You okay?" Blaine asked after he detached himself. Kurt licked his lips, trying to hide his distaste at the coating of saliva the other boy left.

"Fine." Blaine smiled and nodded, sliding back into the routine of sloppy kissing and what dubiously passed for grinding. Another ten minutes passed before Kurt pulled away and looked Blaine in the eye, slipping his hands down the shirt covered chest until his fingertips brushed the tops of the form fitting blue jeans. He was almost at the button when Blaine let out a strangled moan from the back of his throat and came.

Kurt tensed as his boyfriend rolled off of him and let out a contented sigh, waiting and hoping that maybe this time Blaine would notice and pay attention to Kurt's needs as well. It was only seven fifteen after all; they had over three hours before they had to worry about Burt and Carole, or even Finn, coming home. When nothing happened, and Blaine's breathing evened out, he knew it wouldn't happen.

It's not fair and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean
Yes I think you're really mean

Oh you're supposed to care but you never make me scream
You never make me scream

Oh it's not fair and it's really not okay
It's really not okay
It's really not okay

Oh you're supposed to care but all you do is take
All you do is take

Unintentionally Kurt's lips turned down into a pout and he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, stalking into the bathroom. Shaking hands moved to unzip his pants so he could relieve himself but the sudden burst of anger, annoyance and frustration that had hit had effectively taken care of it for him.

Throwing off all his clothes he wrenched the faucets to hot and let the shower warm. As steam gradually misted the small room and methodically folded his clothes, focusing on his breathing and the calm that the repetition of the motions allowed him. Feeling relatively normal again he stepped under the stream of hot water, ignoring the way the heat reddened his skin almost immediately.

'Why does he never try to make me scream?"

Well I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by, I spent ages giving head
Then I remember all the nice things that you've ever said to me
Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe you're the one for me

A week had passed and Kurt was ready to give intimacy another try. He had invited Blaine over, dressed in the most provocative outfit he owned. All the pieces were from the females latest spring fashion, but Kurt couldn't exactly find mens fashion articles with such tight pants, and the gray knit sweater had holes big enough to offer peeps of pale skin while showing off his pronounced collarbone. The black leather booties weren't that difficult to walk in either, especially compared to the Gaga shoes he wore last year. Totally worth the six hundred and seventy dollars he spent on them away from Mercedes' curious eyes.

Running his hands down the sides of the skin tight black skinny's and ignoring the uncomfortable press of the decorative zipper head that was digging into his ankle, Kurt surveyed the dismal lack of colour in his outfit, wondering if he hand time to dig through his scarves and pick one out that would compliment him. Deciding he did he picked through his collection, winding a soft silk Gucci fuchsia and blue scarf around his neck.

Steeling himself he headed downstairs, barely glancing at himself in the mirror when the doorbell rang. He took a deep breath and opened the door, lounging against the hard surface to show off the long, slender line of his body. He tried for a sultry smile and looked at his boyfriend from under his eyelashes. Blaine's eyes ran up and down his body quickly, taking in his outfit before returning to his face. A worried expression replaced the polite smile.

"Are you alright Kurt? You look kind of sick." Blaine reached forward to press the inside of his wrist against Kurt's forehead only to be evaded.

"I-I'm fine!" Kurt stuttered, humiliation rising at his failed attempt at seduction. "Let's go upstairs, shall we?"

Kurt flopped back onto the damp sheets, the heavy scent of sweat and semen permeating the air. He shifted as the fabric clung wetly to his skin and scrunched his nose when the smell got to be too much. Blaine made that contented sigh that meant there would be nothing else ahead of him but sleep. Kurt held his breath and tried to ease the pressure between his legs. Again, Blaine had gotten off (he would know, they aching in his jaw and the taste of cum on his tongue proved it) and left him. Only this time, he was actually aroused and in no mood to alleviate it on his own.

Blaine flipped onto his side and pressed a chaste kiss to Kurt's temple, murmuring, "Love you," into his ear. The anger and indignation that had been gradually building up since they started being sexually active together melted away. Memories of the numerous texts and low conversations over coffee rushed back.

Maybe he was overreacting. This had to be normal, right?

there's just one thing that's getting in the way
when we go up to bed you're just not good it's such a shame
I look into your eyes I want to get to know you
and then you make this noise and its apparent it's all over

During school the next day Kurt tentatively approached Brittany where she stood at her locker, staring at something with a look of concentration that was as intense as intense could be for Brittany. Licking his lips Kurt quietly cleared his throat and called her name.

"Do you have a minute?" he asked, fists clenched around the strap of his messenger bag. Brittany cocked her head to the side.

"Is that money?" she asked, oblivious, "because Santana told me I wasn't supposed to talk to guys who offered to pay me for sex. They're not nice."

Kurt stared for a moment and then shook his head. At least the poor girl had Santana to make sure she didn't get into too much trouble.

"No Brit, don't worry about it. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay!" She held out her hand with a wide smile, petting the one he offered in return. He led her to a deserted classroom and sat at one of the desks, allowing her to continue stroking his skin. Anything to distract himself.

"Brit, I have to ask," he started slowly, pulling her attention from the feel of his skin against her palm, "how does sex feel for you?"

"Different," she answered after a moment of deliberation.

"Different?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," she nodded, pushing up his sleeve and stroking his wrist. "Everyone has their own way of doing it. Santana was always the best."

"And... you got off?" he asked, trying not to feel awkward talking about sex with a girl who seemed obsessed with feeling his arm up. "Every time?"

"Well, not every time." Pulling his hand to her face Brittany nuzzled his fingers with a small smile. "Some guys don't know how to do it properly. Santana says their too stupid to. She helps me after though."

"I see." Sliding off the desk he was perched on he gently pulled his hand away and brushed her bangs back into place. "Thank you Brittany, you've been really helpful."

Brittany beamed at him and jumped up, ponytail swinging. "You should talk to Puck if you can't get off. He can help you."

She left Kurt standing in the middle of the room, red faced and spluttering.

it's not fair and I think your really mean
I think you're really mean
yes I think you're really mean

oh your supposed to care but you never make me scream
you never make me scream

Kurt was still trying desperately to decide what to do about his dismal situation when Puck sauntered up to him, snagging the bottle of water he was holding and draining half of it in one go.

"Really Puck?" he snapped, grabbing it back and secretly delighting in the mess of water that poured down the football players front (and ignoring the loud, "The fuck Kurt!"). "What are you doing here anyways? Finn's not home."

"Brittany said you had to talk to me," he answered, snagging the dish towel and throwing off his shirt, "something about organisms and hobbits. Thought I should ask you what she was talking about."

"I'm sure I don't know," Kurt replied, trying not to blush at the lack of modesty Puck displayed. Muscles shifted and tensed as the darker teen moved and Kurt licked his lips, mouth dry as arousal stabbed his gut. He hadn't gotten off in weeks and Blaine wasn't helping. His cheeks burned and his breathing grew faster. Kurt turned away before Puck could notice his reaction, leaning against the table, his suddenly weak knees needing the support.

"Hey, you okay dude?" Puck's hand landed heavily on his shoulder, fingers digging slightly into soft, easily bruised skin.

"Don't call me dude." Kurt tried to shrug off the hand and when Puck remained undeterred he pulled it off instead. "And I'm perfectly fine."

Puck looked at the tense posture, took in the heavy breathing, the dark blush, and the hunched over posture. A slow smirk spread over his lips as he pressed his chest to Kurt's back and rested his hands high on Kurt's upper thighs.

"I see what Brittany was trying to say," he whispered into Kurt's ear, nudging his nose along the tense jaw and rolling his hips against Kurt's. "Midget's no good in bed huh? Shitty luck dude."

"What are you doing Puck?" Kurt shivered when Puck huffed a laugh and ground his erection more firmly against him.

"What's it feel like babe?" Lips trailed down his neck, pausing to press soft kisses here and there. "You obviously need it, and I'm more than willing to fill you in a way he can't seem to."

"Just because you're willing to doesn't mean I'll accept your offer Puckerman," Kurt huffed, struggling weakly against Puck's hold. "I still have a boyfriend, and I won't cheat on him."

"Easy," Puck said, grinning as he fished Kurt's phone out of his pocket. Holding it so that Kurt could see every word he typed Puck quickly composed a message and sent it off before Kurt could object. "There, now you're a free agent and you can know how it feels to be with a realman who can take care of you."

Kurt gaped as he was dragged upstairs, phone left laying on the table where Puck tossed it. As he was pushed to the bed and divested of his clothing, he found himself unable to care that this idiotic, asshole ex-bully had just dumped his perfect, mature boyfriend for him.

Oh it's not fair and it's really not okay
It's really not okay
It's really not okay

ur a tool asshat. Nxt time u get a bf u shud try n take care of him 2 durin sex insted of urself. Try n b fair. Consider urself dumpd jackass. Kurts wth me now. Signd Puck, the dude fuckin ur ex.