I don't own Harry Potter, Sorry.

Balisk sighed as he was once again shoved into Snape's office alongside his best friend, Fred Weasley. George was nowhere in sight because he'd made the mistake of testing one of his own creations alone and was currently have his extra limbs taken care of in the hospital wing.

"What the fu—"

"Mr. Acton, language!" Snape hissed as his slammed the door to his office and pointed to the chairs in front of his desk, "SIT."

Balisk rolled his eyes (Snape flinched at this, as it made him look at the boy's eyes or, more correctly, his right eye) but obeyed and sat in one of the chairs, Fred taking the other.

"I warned you, Mr. Acton. I told you if you committed any more felonies, I would have you back in my office. Did I not?"

"You did," Balisk replied, examining his fingernails with as little interest as he was listening to his professor with.

"And what did you immediately go out and do the moment I let you out of my sight?"

"Well, to begin with, I cursed Malfoy for stealing Neville's wand. I shoved Malfoy's head into a toilet for doing the same to one of the first years. Oh! And I hung that git from a tree for pushing Neville's trunk down the stairs."

"Do not try to justify what you did by saying you were defending anyone. And I don't want any comments from you—" Snape glared at Fred, who had opened his mouth to defend Balisk, "You and your brother have done more damage than him!"

"Hey, don't go dragging him into this!" Balisk defended, glaring at Snape and making him flinch again.

"On to your punishment," Snape turned from them and grabbed a long piece of parchment, "You are going to repeat your infidelities and charm them onto this parchment."

"What the—"

"Mr. Acton," Snape warned.

"Eff. This is ridiculous; I haven't done anything that bad."

"Just repeat them, Mr. Acton, before I send you to the head master."

Balisk bit back the retort of, He thinks what I do is funny, and took the parchment from Snape.

I am not allowed to flirt with the fat lady.

I am not allowed to breathe heavily in the presence of others.

I am not allowed to use my good looks to get things without paying.

I am not allowed to beat up first years for looking at my eye.

I am not allowed to kill Draco.

Though there are many in Hogwarts that wish I could.

I am not allowed to be pen pals with prisoners in Azkaban.

Or with the local child molesters.

I am not allowed to have pen pals, period.

I am not allowed to assert my dominance over lower years.

This is because someone sees an innuendo in it that I don't.

Oh…I get it now.

I am not allowed to nick food from the kitchens.

I am not allowed to tell the house elves to call me Master Elvis.

And not only because they don't know who Elvis is.

I am not allowed to beat anyone with my broom.

What is with all of these sexual innuendos? I wish they would just finish.

…Haha.

I am not allowed to tell Lee I want his children.

Nor am I allowed to say this to Dean Thomas.

Or Fred.

Or Ron.

I've never said it to George, though I think it's only fair that I do. (Fred, tell George I want his children the next time you see him.) (Of course, Balisk.) (Fantastic, moving on.)

I am henceforth never allowed to procreate.

As is stated by law 186 section 4 article 12 in the Ethical Magic Code of Conduct rule book.

I think putting it in a law book is unnecessary, considering I'm not planning on having children.

Children annoy me.

I am not allowed to tell children that they annoy me.

I think they know by now, anyway.

I am not allowed to charm the screaming books in the library to scream at a certain time every day.

Nor am I allowed to do this after stuffing them under Malfoy's bed.

I am not allowed to set the drapes on fire just because I think they're ugly.

I am not allowed to set Malfoy on fire just because I think he's ugly.

I am not allowed to set fire to anything.

I am not allowed to smoke on school grounds.

Really, I am not allowed to smoke anywhere, because Mum with beat me with her broom until I spit it out.

I am not allowed to forcefully give Malfoy a crew cut.

I am not authorized to give anyone a circumcision.

No matter how many times I've read about them in the muggle post.

I am henceforth banned from the restricted section of the library.

Really, I should be banned from the library, period.

I am not allowed to use my wand to perform any sexual acts.

Not that I ever have, but this has given me the idea.

I am not allowed to say swear words in the presence of adults.

Even though Professor Dumbledore finds it entertaining to hear me curse.

I am not allowed to send Dusky to the Slytherin common room to plant dung bombs anymore.

I am to be informed that if there are any more strange explosions and/or noises coming from my four-poster bed, the proper authorities will be contacted.

I am not allowed to poke a Hufflepuff repeatedly in the forehead to "Assert my dominance" over them.

I am no longer allowed to try to assert my dominance over anyone. Ever.

Because everyone already knows I'm the top dog.

Just because I use air quotes when reciting something does not automatically make it untrue.

This is why I am not allowed to use air quotes while reciting the "Rules".

I am not allowed to use any potions to give myself the likeness of Fred and George then convince people there are even more of them.

I am not allowed to spread the rumor that I've gone deaf so people won't speak to me.

I am not allowed to curse someone for talking to me on what Lee calls "One of my pissy days".

I am not allowed to beat the living hell out of anyone for asking me why I'm PMSing so much.

I am not allowed to spread the rumor that I am blind so I have an excuse for beating Malfoy repeatedly with my cane.

I am not allowed to beat Malfoy with my cane and explain that "He was being a selfish hoe and keeping money from me".

I am not allowed to refer to my cane as my "Pimp cane".

Nor am I allowed to refer to my…other cane as such.

*wink wink*

I should stop flirting with the second-year girls as it gets their hopes up.

I am not allowed to use my Veela charms on the boys at school.

I am not allowed to sell pictures of my biological mother to the boys at school.

Gods knows what they'd do with them.

I know what they'd do with them.

I am not God.

The Christian students don't appreciate it when I claim to be.

Not that I care.

I am not allowed to lick people's cheeks for the sheer pleasure of making them horridly uncomfortable.

It is unsanitary and weird.

I am not allowed to call people "Queer", even though where I come from, it means "Strange".

To use the word any other way would mean I'm a Yankee, which I'm not.

I am not allowed to flip the bird to my professors.

Even though I've only ever done it to Snape.

I'm not allowed to braid the headmaster's beard.

Even though he asks me to, it's unprofessional.

Though I can't ever think of a time where Dumbledore was exactly "Professional".

I am not allowed to claim that I need a sacrifice or I will become a terrifying monster.

I am not to say that this sacrifice must be blond, grey-eyed, and annoying.

Nor am I allowed to say he must be hung from one of the sword bearing statues on the outside walls by his undergarments.

I am not allowed to hug Dean in public.

Or private.

Or anywhere in between.

Even though Dean happens to enjoy my hugs.

I am not allowed to claim that I am immortal, therefore people should give me stuff.

I am not allowed to change my name to "B-man McPimpingstein".

I am not allowed to sell lewd pictures of myself or any other person on the school grounds.

It would probably be a good idea not to do it outside of school either, since I'm technically underage.

I am not allowed to tell the first years that if they yell, "Fuck officus!" at Snape, he will disappear.

I am not allowed to be a stripper.

The real money's in pimping, anyway.

I'm surprised that Snape has so far not interrupted me.

(It has become a chore. I give up…)

Anyway…This list is not a challenge.

Therefore I am not allowed to treat it as a challenge.

I am not allowed to set this list on fire.

This is a punishment for my own good that I should take seriously.

I am not allowed to repeat any of these actions for the rest of my natural-born life.

My natural-born life extends outside of school.

"There, am I done?" Balisk asked, pushing the parchment across the desk.

"Yes, you are. I don't want to have to bring you in here again, Mr. Acton."

"Whatever, whatever." Balisk waved his hand dismissively, "Can I go now?"

"You may."

Balisk smirked and stood from his seat, Fred slinging an arm around him as they walked out. When he reached the door where Snape couldn't see him, he took out a paper crane a blew on it gently, causing it to flutter through the air towards it predestined target.

Snape's brow furrowed when he felt an insistent poking to his forehead. He looked up at a paper bird's feeble attempt to gain his attention. He snatched it from the air and tore it open, glaring at the neat, familiar handwriting.

Maybe if you beat a certain annoying Slytherin git, you'd feel better.

P.S. I know I do.

~B. Acton